Tell me when I'm going to stop caring

[Mustang Sally]

I think I've hit another remarkable low spot.

I feel humiliated even bringing this for discussion again, but I'm at such a loss tonight, that I guess I don't care much anymore that I'm opening myself up to all kinds of potential flaming, backlash, and harsh judgement.

 

I'm not sure what else to do to fix my problem with H.

Maybe if everyone can just tell me how I'm focusing on the wrong things, it'll help snap me back on track, for once and for all.

 

I just cannot find satisfaction with the sex-life H and I have. It just has become, as Lizzie has so aptly described in the past, like having sex with my brother, or something along those lines. As I have said before, sometimes I simply feel nauseated by the prospect. Anymore, I often end up with such a feeling of despair after sex with him that I feel like crying. Sometimes I actually do. He doesn't know...it would hurt him immeasurably and I'm not looking to do that.

 

I've tried everything I can think of to spice it up. I initiate...tell him what I want...I'm not shy about doing for myself...there's little I won't try - on or for either one of us, short of adding other people into the mix...

 

Before, some of you had suggested that it was probably the fact that I was holding him at a distance emotionally that was causing this problem. So, for the last many months I've been working on that. I've made a real effort to spend more time with him, make an emotional connection with him again. And we've become good friends again. I really mean that. I enjoy his company, and enjoy spending time with him.

 

But there's just no sexual spark/chemistry/compatibility as far as I'm concerned. And that really, really matters to me.

 

I don't know what else to do.

 

I feel like I need to just find a way now to be content with feeling like I'm living with a dear roommate/friend for the rest of my life, because after this many years, I really doubt that I can will myself to have what is lacking sexually. Don't worry. I'm not withholding sex from him. I wouldn't do that because I know it's not fair. But I feel that it's also not fair that I'm so unhappy with things. Yet, I don't know if I even deserve that anymore.

 

I don't know what kind of horrible wife/woman/person this makes me. I'm not walking away from him, as some have suggested I was. But I wish I could make myself get over wanting more from this facet of our relationship. I just don't know how to do it.

 

An older married (female) friend of mine once told me that the sexual aspect of a marriage is not something worth losing a good man over.

When am I going to finally outgrow these feelings and come around to that way of thinking?

 

I'm just tired of feeling so....empty because of this.

[Geishawhelk]

You're not.

You don't love him any more, so making love to him is nothing of the kind.

you're having sex 'against your will' which is also what is distressing you.

Ultimately, it will cause a whole lot more anxiety, distress, sadness and resentment.

I really feel that you should come clean and let your H. know how you feel and where you stand.

You must, for the sake of your own self-esteem, sanity and emotional well-being, be honest about this to him.

To continue pretending is extremely unfair to him, and hopelessly damaging to you.

You're living a complete lie, and it can only get worse, if you don't stop it now.

 

Good Luck.

[Mustang Sally]

Thanks for your input, Geisha.

 

It seems so simple, when stated as you have done. And I realize there is truth in what you say. But I have told him I am unsatisfied - it's no secret. I haven't done it in a way so as to hurt him, although I realize that just the fact that I feel this way probably did hurt him - but I have not been malicious about it, or even implied that my unhappiness is his responsibility or doing. And still he insists to me that he doesn't want our marriage to end.

 

I guess I haven't told him point blank enough or he wouldn't still feel this way...? And to do so would be painful for both of us, but that is probably the kind of impetus that would be required for us to end our marriage.

 

I guess my problem is trying to figure out why I feel like I do. I'm not sure if how I feel is because of some broken thing in me that I need to fix, or because "it" was just never there between us and still isn't - nobody's fault. If it's just that I am messed up and wrong, then I want to try to fix it because I do have much, much love for him as a dear friend.

 

I agree that I must seem so selfish...that I should just let him go and find what he deserves - true happiness with someone that will love him wholely as he should be loved. But I have told him that very thing, and he refuses to acknowledge that he wants anything else. I guess that is also my fault. Because I have been - as you say - living a lie, of sorts. I was preferring to think of it as "fake it till you make it." <sigh>

 

I admit. My selfish side does not want to throw him away only to find that a few years down the road, the sex thing is not a big deal to me anymore. That the friendship and companionship far outweigh any silly adolescent needs I seem to have at this point. We have a family and life together, after all. And I certainly don't expect that it's a guarantee that there would be anyone out there better suited for me...I know better than that.

 

But, despite all of these thoughts, I just can't shake the feelings of...well, what I already posted.

[underpants]

Thats tough Mustang,

 

It sounds like you do love him. It is just that passion you are missing.

 

Maybe kids, responsibilities and life have taken a toll over the years on the connection you two share as a couple?

 

Have you considered some kind of therapy aimed at reclaiming intimacy?

 

Or, maybe a vacation for just the 2 of you. A second honeymoon where you two might reconnect?

[OldEurope]

Separate for a while. Six months to a year. Many people here do not advocate separations, as they are seen as the first step to divorce. But do not go running to the divorce court just yet as I think you do care about your H and your marriage. Separation might be a needed breath of fresh air.

 

If you can, go find some solo space for a while where you work productively and or take up something productive (always necessary to avoid "wallowing") and assess your feelings about him. Try to decide whether the marriage no longer has any substance left to it or if this is just "pure" sexual desire which has been frustrated. If it is a combination of both, your mind will "clear" to "tell" you, as perspective comes with a bit of distance, where and how things went wrong, or how feeling came to a grinding halt.

 

Tell him the absolute truth and tell him that there is no one waiting in the wings.

 

You will be able to gain much needed perspective and you will see if, in being away from him, you do long for him back...or not.

 

This is one of those instances where you proceed very very cautiously and do not rush into a decision (or an affair) just quite yet.

 

I do believe this would help you immensely.

 

xo

OE

[Geishawhelk]

Thanks for your input, Geisha.

 

It seems so simple, when stated as you have done. And I realize there is truth in what you say. .

 

Bless you, you poor thing, you must be in agony.

Truth there is, and experience too.

14 years in a sexless celibate marriage....

Should certainly have done much sooner, what I am advising you.

 

But it also sounds as if part of the responsibility should be lying with him, in that he's turning a deaf ear to what you're trying to tell him. Either that, or he's extraordinarily obtuse, or just doesn't get it, or want to get it.

I think going for counselling may get it through to him, once and for all.

Maybe he simply doesn't realise how very destructive this is for you.

I'm generalising here, but I think a lot of men would agree that males and females view having sex/making love, from different perspectives. We attach different significance or meaning to it, by-and-large. so perhaps there's the factor that he just doesn't see just how big a deal it is for you.

And you are being so gentle and considerate towards his feelings, which is admirable.

But it ultimately doesn't help, because you're sacrificing your feelings in this.

And it really shouldn't be that way.

The saying is so true though:

 

When the sex is great, it's 5% of the relationship.

When it isn't great, it's 95% of the relationship.

 

Do whatever you can. but really, believe me. Do something!

[Mustang Sally]

OE -

I can certainly see the value in separating. I asked for it last March. He said no, give him a year to get his sh*t together. I agreed. The year is almost up, and I'm still having these problems. He's done much better, though. I give much credit to him for all that he has accomplished since I dropped the S-bomb. Much.

 

I have to admit. Trying to pull off a separation scares the hell out of me. For numerous reasons. We are very visible members of the community, and it would be a huge scandal just to separate. I can live with what people would think of me...but I worry what that would do to our kids. I've said it over and over. I can hardly feel that it is justified to "throw them under the bus" merely because "mom is sexually frustrated." And then again...I would not want any of them to settle as I feel I have done, that this is the best satisfaction they can hope for from a committed marriage? And then I go round and round the circle again: it's my fault - I just need to get over myself. No, it's just dead - I just need to get out. No, I can't get out - it would hurt too many people - kids especially. I would die for them. Can't I endure this situation on their behalf. I am so confused.

 

And yes, I even worry about what a separation would do to my husband. I would end up ostracizing myself from my support system (my family), who would basically view it the same as divorcing him. They would not understand or condone it. It would be hard. I am ashamed to say it - because I like to think of myself as a self-sufficient, strong and independent woman - but I don't know if I am up to the task. In addition to all I have stated above, I guess I am weak, to boot.

 

And then I think of how I would feel to have this burden lifted from me...

What an utter relief! What a feeling of resolution that gives me, even now.

 

Geisha -

 

I think he doesn't want to get it. He is the master of denial. Truly. He is a wonderful man, but if he feels threatened, he learned long ago - in childhood (abusive bio-father who abandoned him and his bro and mom and abusive step father after that....) to knuckle down and disacknowledge anything that is too painful to admit. I feel I have let him down in the largest way possible. After all, I promised. I vowed. How could I do this to him?

 

I think he feels our sex life is pretty good, as far as he's concerned. Not that I'm all that, or anything, but I have learned a lot over the years we've been together and it's been largely to his benefit (I'm not complaining about this or begrudging him in the least, for the record).

 

I suppose counseling could have something to offer...if it's just some emotional hang-up that I haven't yet been able to elucidate. I'm just not entirely sure that that is the case anymore.

[Mustang Sally]

As far as affairs are concerned....

 

I must be honest and say that I have thought about this alot. At times way too much. But I really do believe that these thoughts of an affair came to me years after the fact of me having realized there was a problem in the M, and after years of trying everything I could think of to fix it. I feel that - even though it is wrong (don't misinterpret what I am saying here) - it is also understandable how someone might start longing for something to fill the voids in one's marriage.

 

Nevertheless, I have not entered into any full-fledged infidelity. I have had friendships that walked the line of inappropriate-ness in the last several years...but I can honestly say that no one's marriage was ever in any real danger. Nor have I ever crossed any sort of physical line. I doubt that - if really faced with a true opportunity for such - I could do it. I would prefer to wrap up one relationship before starting another. I am fully aware that no healthy relationship (at least, not for me) could ever begin on such footing.

 

But my longing for something else scares me. I don't want to be a cheater - even if just in my own mind. And yet I am. I guess I can add "hypocrite" to the list of things I am admitting about myself in this thread...

[Mustang Sally]

Unders -

We do have a trip to Hawaii scheduled this spring. Just the two of us. Maybe that will help.

?

[thankful15289]

Sally,

 

I think you need to be unselfish here, and that means separating from him.

 

It's understandable that you don't want to be the one to initiate it, but unfortunately you are the one who is unhappy and he isn't willing to listen and make it mutual.

 

You will be called a lot of names. But in the long run it is MUCH better for everyone involved if you get out now.

 

I call this unselfish because you are basically letting him off the hook; allowing him to deny that there is anything wrong with him and that he just married a b*tch. Allowing him to save face, in other words, and not deal with his own past issues. I think that' s an incredibly caring thing, and if you really love him the way to show it is to endure the slings and arrows and sideways glances and take this burden on your shoulders.

 

It isn't easy, but I think it will prevent a whole lot of pain.

 

Good luck!

[Mustang Sally]

Thankful -

Wow. You are hitting me where I live.

It's been a tough, teary day.

 

Your advice is sound, and I'll take it to heart.

Goodness knows, I don't want to be any more selfish and unfair to him than I already have been. Sincerely.

[Kasan]

I have to admit. Trying to pull off a separation scares the hell out of me. For numerous reasons. We are very visible members of the community, and it would be a huge scandal just to separate. I can live with what people would think of me...but I worry what that would do to our kids. I've said it over and over. I can hardly feel that it is justified to "throw them under the bus" merely because "mom is sexually frustrated." And then again...I would not want any of them to settle as I feel I have done, that this is the best satisfaction they can hope for from a committed marriage? And then I go round and round the circle again: it's my fault - I just need to get over myself. No, it's just dead - I just need to get out. No, I can't get out - it would hurt too many people - kids especially. I would die for them. Can't I endure this situation on their behalf. I am so confused.

 

Sometimes you need to make the hard decision and see that by denying yourself what you need most to grow and thrive, you cheat the ones you care about the most.

 

The world will not end if you separate from your husband. You are way to smart to continue to be a martyr to your marriage, and you don't strike me as the type of woman who lives her life in fear.

[Geishawhelk]

Absolutely brilliantly said Kasan. As far as I am concerned, I need add nothing more. you have said it all. Well done.

Mustang Sally - if nothing else, heed that.

it's just about the best advice anyone anywhere will ever, ever give you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Separate for a while. Six months to a year. Many people here do not advocate separations, as they are seen as the first step to divorce. But do not go running to the divorce court just yet as I think you do care about your H and your marriage. Separation might be a needed breath of fresh air.

I always try to apply the "Reasonable Man" test to these things and this is a tough one. Would I put my life on hold (marital, sexual and otherwise) for a year so my spouse could have a marriage sabbatical ?

 

Sally, you have to at least acknowledge the risk that this "wonderful man" (your words ) might not be there if you decide to come back. Is that a price you're prepared to pay?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Storyrider]

Hi Mustang. Somehow I missed this thread. Was it the phone texting thing that put you over the edge yesterday?

 

You know I feel your pain. How can I give you any good advice, though?

I feel like when I focus on the positives, and everything you said, about your kids, a stable family, the difficulties of a separation, not wanting to be selfish, thinking this will all pass, etc., it seems impossible to imagine the M. ending. I think, I can resign myself, sure, what's another month, another year?

 

But then I feel alternately numbed out and neutered...and then panicked, devastated and in a frenzy.

 

It is like a ride I got on, and now I can't get off.

 

Can I learn how to drive this thing and either steer it where I want it, or put on the brakes? What about you?

 

What if you used a professional excuse to take a separation? Could you get yourself assigned somewhere, or into a situation where you were travelling more for work so you could get some time alone and clear your head?

[lovelorcet]

I just can't help but think this is a "grass is greener" syndrome here. Do you really feel that you will improve your life as a whole by separating and eventually divorcing your husband?

[Arch]

is he fat?

 

I am curious as to why females(or males) such as yourself who at least seem to be "committed" have this mindset occur.

 

Unlike allot of people who feel no remorse when they decide they want something else, you realize the positives in your relationship and are thinking beyond your genitalia.

[HisLove]

Sally, I was married to a wonderful man who was a great husband, a phenomenal father and provider. We (meaning I) had no sexual attraction to him. I married young, and I enjoyed sex, but just thought "Oh this is the way it is." I did not have desire for him as a person or man.

 

After many years together, it ended up where I was repulsed at the thought of him even touching me. He thought I was the hottest thing since sliced bread. (I am, but that's besides the point ) Like you, I thought it's a small price to pay for the great partner I had. In reality I felt like I was slowly dying inside, not because he was hurting me, but because I felt like something was just missing for ME. Something important to my own sense of wellbeing. I couldn't put my finger on what was missing, just tried to deal with it by myself. If somebody repulses you physically, there is NOTHING you can do to overcome that. And it's not something you can tell a person without wounding them terribly. Oh honey, just don't touch me cos I want to scream or vomit if you do.

Sometimes I would find myself with clenched fists when we were having sex and this was obviously a psychological way to not be 'open' and intimate with him, but just to get it over and done with, keep myself to myself.

 

Then something happened, totally unplanned, where I met this guy in a social scene (my husband was there too) and it opened up this flood gate of sexual chemistry and intensity I had never felt in my entire life. That was my awakening. I knew what was missing then. No I did not have an affair with that man, I've never seen him since and that was many years ago, it is my belief that it was a random event sent my way to open up my awareness. That was it's only purpose.

 

I did leave my H. He would have happily done anything to keep our marriage intact, but I knew that it was shortchanging him - married for 50 years to somebody who did NOT want you to touch her, and shortchanging me - never finding that spark with another.

 

I think the separation thing is a good thing for now. If you were honest about the sexual thing and he still wants to stay married, then a separation is not going to ruin things either.

 

Did you ever have that chemistry, or is your story somewhat like mine.

[marlena]

When am I going to finally outgrow these feelings and come around to that way of thinking?

 

When you do outgrow these feelings you will be an old woman.

 

You will either look back at a life wasted and mispent or you will be glad that you stuck it out. You may have regrets or you may not. Only you know the answer to that.

 

If you feel that that you will have regrets, then, you have to take the harder road and plunge into the unknown.

 

If you feel that you will have regrets, then, stay and accept the situation as stoically as you can.

[directx]

I do not see that many threads like this, in the past or now, and I wonder if people do not simply experience what MS is going through as often (which I doubt) or most other people jump to the affair part and post about that instead.

 

I have been going through the exact same thing with my wife. Yes, I love her (I don't hate her as some others had irresponsibly reported in the past), but I am out of love with her in the sense of being turned on or infatuated.

 

I think what may be overlooked her is what is involved with the whole concept of being turned on. From what I understood, MS is unsatisfied sexually. Kind of like going through the motions and just not satisfied. Believe me, I am experiencing that for myself now.

 

But I know whats missing: that whole mental connection. Or maybe mental acceptance.

 

My wife really hurt myself and the family, and while I am trying to forgive her, I do hold resentment. And I believe its the fact I am resenting her is the fact I am not satisfied. So that mental turn on/connection is missing.

 

Am I making sense?

 

So I think MS needs to figure out if she is resenting her H for some reason which may be the reason she feels so unsatisfied.

 

I think I have a good idea of what turns women on (I was shy in high school, and being a nerd, I did much research on what turns women on) and with women they need the mental stimulation as much if not more than the physical.

 

So in summary, MS, maybe the dissatisfaction sexually with your husband is not a consequence of something else. If you solve other issues in your marriage may be occurring, this one may take care of itself.

 

I think the vacation in Hawaii is a great idea if you are both alone. Maybe it will remind you of the time when you were into him and bring you back mentally to when things were how you were when you enjoyed them.

In other words, relationship territory you are familiar with before everything changed.

 

All this may be wrong, but good luck!

[Mustang Sally]

Sally, you have to at least acknowledge the risk that this "wonderful man" (your words ) might not be there if you decide to come back. Is that a price you're prepared to pay?

 

Mr. Lucky

I do acknowledge that risk, Mr. Lucky.

I am fully aware that he might finally decide he is better off without me. How do I feel about that? Well, of course it makes me sad - as I think it would anyone. I have thought long and hard about how I would feel if he was with some other woman. Truthfully? Some days it bothers me more than others, but mostly I feel numb. I'm not kidding. Maybe it's not possible for me to really know the extent of how I will feel about that until faced with the real situation? I don't know. I'm trying very hard to be realistic and consider all angles of the situation.

 

Am I prepared to lose him? That is exactly what I am trying to figure out here. Is the sex-business worth losing a man that I respect and admire and get along great with in most other ways? I don't know. Obviously, much of the time I must think it is, because here I am - questioning things. But the "good girl" in me (and there is a lot of that good girl) worries I am being short-sighted.

 

I certainly think it is a possibility that I will build tremendous resentment towards him because of my current (and not likely to abate anytime in the near future) feelings of how unsatisfied and unhappy this is making me right now (and for the last many years). I know it would be such a battle to overcome that if I decide to stick this out. I will be honest and say that I do not really know if I would win that one or not. Hence, my dilemma.

 

As far as "grass is greener." I have spent hours and hours wondering the same thing myself.

 

I can tell you that I have worked very hard to think of the possible outcomes and focus on me being ALONE the rest of my life - NOT take it for granted that some "knight in shining armor" will sweep me off my feet and I will have everything in a relationship that I now lack. Please. I am smarter and more pragmatic than that. No. I think of this as: 1) Stay with him and all that means (good and bad) vs 2) leave him and deal with the consequences (good and bad) and be prepared to live out my days single.

 

I will have to get to the other replies here later. Must go to kids' basketball game now...

[Mustang Sally]

Was it the phone texting thing that put you over the edge yesterday?

Nah.

Actually, that was simply an annoyance. I remembered others posting about people talking on the phone during dates, etc. and how bothersome it is, but hadn't really experienced that myself. I (and H) have to use the phone for work quite frequently during dinner out, so it's not that big of a deal. The texting his buddy just for the hell of it though, since I'd made an effort to drop work and eat lunch with him - that was annoying.

 

True, true and unrelated. Honest Abe.

You know I feel your pain. How can I give you any good advice, though?

I feel like when I focus on the positives, and everything you said, about your kids, a stable family, the difficulties of a separation, not wanting to be selfish, thinking this will all pass, etc., it seems impossible to imagine the M. ending. I think, I can resign myself, sure, what's another month, another year?

I appreciate your empathy, Story. Know that I do. It helps immeasurably to know that I am not the only (crazy, evil)) woman going through something like this and trying to find her way.

 

I hear you on the "what's another month, year, decade...?"

My feelings exactly.

 

Until I have another moment like I did the night I posted this thread in the first place. Then, I feel like I don't know how I can go on another minute. But eventually, I come to my "senses" and realize that I'm just selfish and that I have to try to get over it...

 

You know the rest of that story...

 

But then I feel alternately numbed out and neutered...and then panicked, devastated and in a frenzy.

An apt description, that.

 

Can I learn how to drive this thing and either steer it where I want it, or put on the brakes? What about you?

I don't know.

You'd think I'd be able to control my thoughts a bit better. I'm a fairly self-aware kind of person, and I think I'm reasonably intelligent. I don't know why I'm struggling so with this one.

 

What if you used a professional excuse to take a separation? Could you get yourself assigned somewhere, or into a situation where you were travelling more for work so you could get some time alone and clear your head?

That's an interesting thought.

I think it would be difficult, given my work situation...

 

The other problem is, my kids really need a mom to be here for them all the time. I can't take a break from that or them. And I wouldn't want to. Additionally, I can't parent them alone. I need H to help me. That's the nature of our situation. Fortunately, he is not one to ever shirk his responsibility to them - he's a good dad. But my point is, that I wouldn't be able to move to a place where he was not close enough to help me. And I couldn't move away from the kids.

 

So I don't know how that might work, but I'll give it some consideration.

Thanks.

[Mustang Sally]

I just can't help but think this is a "grass is greener" syndrome here.

I can understand you questioning that.

I do too.

 

What I can tell you is, there is no person that I am "grass is greener" ing over. I've tried to keep that sort of thing out of my life. I don't believe one can make the best possible decisions regarding something so important as this with another (new) relationship clouding the picture.

 

I only admit that I do long for the sexual connection that I lack with my H with somebody. That's all. Just being honest.

Do you really feel that you will improve your life as a whole by separating and eventually divorcing your husband?

I don't know.

That's the point of my dilemma.

 

I do often think that, even if I were to remain single after ending this M, at least my H would be free to find someone to love him wholely - as others in this thread have pointed out.

 

It's hard for me to know what is really the "greatest good for the greatest number" in this situation. I'm trying very hard to view it that way and not just what is best for ME.

That's the thing. In my opinion, once you have a spouse and family, it's no longer just about what's good for ME anymore...

[Mustang Sally]

is he fat?

No.

He's in pretty good shape, actually.

 

I don't know that this is really completely about physical attributes, although, they do certainly play a role. He was never a direct hit in my "attraction template."

 

That being said, he is not ugly or disfigured, either. He's a reasonably attractive guy. I'm a reasonably attractive gal. Neither of us is a major hottie, but we're ok-looking.

 

He is far from my "ideal," physically. Not because I'm talking about Brad Pitt, either. It's just the truth.

 

I guess some of us - and I suspect this happens with women more than men - marry for reasons other than having tremendous sexual chemistry with the one we are marrying.

 

Why does that happen?

Probably lots of reasons. There have been other threads on this in the past.

Sometimes it's because we are conditioned (by society, or our upbringing, etc) to look for other qualities in a spouse than just physical chemistry.

 

Sometimes it's because we are young and relatively inexperienced when the person "comes along." Or maybe we are just inexperienced with what we, ourselves, find sexually stimulating? It's a real problem, I can tell you.

 

Maybe for some, we just change, with the years and what life brings us.

 

I don't have it all figured out yet - wish I did.

[Mustang Sally]

HisLove -

What you describe resonates with me on a deep level.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to hear from those that have been in a similar situation and had a positive resolution.

 

Directx -

I know you think I resent H. Maybe I do. I have in the past. I can honestly tell you, I really don't feel resentment towards him like I have in the past. He's really done a great job of addressing those issues that existed when I asked for the separation about a year ago. In fact, he's little short of a prince right now. He's a good guy - I always acknowlegde that.

 

I think part of my lack of attraction to him is some sort of "pheromones gone bad" type of deal. I don't know why it's happening now, but it definitely seems to be just that. I can be horny as hell (not hard for me at this point in life) but then when I get near him, things about him just absolutely turn me off. It's a real mental struggle to stay "in the game" with him.

 

I just read that other thread about the "repulse test." Ha! That's pretty spot-on, I'd say. Trouble is, early on in the relationship, when we were making the decision to get married, he didn't repulse me. I do not think I would have married him, no matter how good of a catch he was, if he'd repulsed me...

 

Anyway, I hope it's coming through that this is not because somehow I think I'm better than him, or that I deserve better than him. I honestly can't understand why I'm not more physically attracted to him. I don't have some smouldering reason to resent the hell out of him. I'm not saying he's perfect - hell, none of us are. I certainly am not, and I don't profess to be. But he's not done anything worse than any other guy, trying to get through life, figure himself out, and do the best he can to meet the demands of life: job/marriage/kids/taxes/etc. So it's not like I can say he's an abusive drunk assh*le, or anything.

 

Truthfully, while sex was more exciting (than now) when our relationship was young, I never really felt major chemistry with him. It wasn't bad, mind you, but it wasn't heart-stopping. I guess I figured that shouldn't really matter - that that kind of response to another person was self-limited anyway, so why should it be a dealbreaker? I guess now I know that it's more important than my naive, ignorant self thought it would be, years ago?