Tell me when I'm going to stop caring

[Mustang Sally]

When you do outgrow these feelings you will be an old woman.

 

You will either look back at a life wasted and mispent or you will be glad that you stuck it out. You may have regrets or you may not. Only you know the answer to that.

Thanks, Marlena.

You are right, of course.

 

I'm trying hard to predict the future here, when it's certainly impossible to do.

 

Thankfully, today is a better day than last Thurs and Fri were. Maybe I can pick it up, move on, and the "bad days" will be less and less significant?

 

When I am an old woman, will I be thankful that I have this companion there with me? Or will I regret that I never had a strong passionate link to my life-long companion?

 

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

 

Thanks everyone, for your input.

I really appreciate it.

[Arch]

Might I add in your kids, since you guys aren't' fighting I would say you should stay together at least until there older.

 

If your marriage continues without conflict I would say your kids would be thankful you didn't divorce.

 

I don't see how someone can not know what the find sexually stimulating, I got a whole list of fetishes and I am younger then allot of people here.

[a4a]

Thanks, Marlena.

You are right, of course.

 

I'm trying hard to predict the future here, when it's certainly impossible to do.

 

Thankfully, today is a better day than last Thurs and Fri were. Maybe I can pick it up, move on, and the "bad days" will be less and less significant?

 

When I am an old woman, will I be thankful that I have this companion there with me? Or will I regret that I never had a strong passionate link to my life-long companion?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

 

Thanks everyone, for your input.

I really appreciate it.

 

 

yes you will regret it.

 

If you M is making you this depressed now what is going to improve it in the next 5, 10, or 20 years? Well you can always hope for alzheimers so you aren't aware how crappy your M is

[HotPink]

I think that you should do the poor guy a favor and leave him, let him find someone who he does not repulse!

 

You are not being fair on a guy who seems like a decent man.

[Mustang Sally]

I think that you should do the poor guy a favor and leave him, let him find someone who he does not repulse!

 

You are not being fair on a guy who seems like a decent man.

Thanks for that, hotpink.

 

Why do you think it is that someone like me would be so unfair to a guy that I readily admit doesn't deserve it?

 

Really.

I'd like to know.

 

Why would I revel in making my own life so miserable do you think?

Character flaw?

Chemical imbalance?

Psychosis?

[Mustang Sally]

yes you will regret it.

 

If you M is making you this depressed now what is going to improve it in the next 5, 10, or 20 years? Well you can always hope for alzheimers so you aren't aware how crappy your M is

I wonder if I will (again) get to a point where the unfulfilling sex business will lose it's importance in my life.

Seriously.

 

That's what I meant with "tell me when I'm going to stop caring."

For anyone who has been through something similar (and those that haven't, but have an opinion) - when do you get over the "I need this (illusive) sexual connection with my spouse" ?

 

I have to wonder if I'm just placing too much importance on something that all of the other great things about him and I should be outweighing.

 

That's it.

[a4a]

I wonder if I will (again) get to a point where the unfulfilling sex business will lose it's importance in my life.

Seriously.

 

That's what I meant with "tell me when I'm going to stop caring."

For anyone who has been through something similar (and those that haven't, but have an opinion) - when do you get over the "I need this (illusive) sexual connection with my spouse" ?

 

I have to wonder if I'm just placing too much importance on something that all of the other great things about him and I should be outweighing.

 

That's it.

 

It is a very important part of the R. And not sure your age now, but the older you get the hornier you get...... it is true. So the kids pack up and leave, you are left with limpy.

 

Why can he not provide a stimulating sex life for you again?

 

Bad sex/no sex is a deal breaker IMHO.

[Mustang Sally]

It is a very important part of the R. And not sure your age now, but the older you get the hornier you get...... it is true. So the kids pack up and leave, you are left with limpy.

 

Why can he not provide a stimulating sex life for you again?

 

Bad sex/no sex is a deal breaker IMHO.

I'm 38.

I think I'm in the middle of my "prime," if you will. I certainly haven't been this horny before, but admittedly, for most of my youth, I was on birth control pills, which completely squashed any libido I might have had.

 

There are physical things about him that just turn me off. They aren't horrible things. He's in fairly good shape - better than he has been for most of our married life, but he's not without his physical flaws. I have mine too. I'm certainly not trying to say I'm a perfect physical specimen. Far from it, I'm sure. But his other great attributes aren't enough for me to mentally overcome his other issues that turn me off. I have no idea why.

 

And he has an odor about him - it is NOT body odor, or a hygiene thing. I think it's maybe a pheromone thing? But it is nauseating to me.

 

It's not his diet - I tried changing that years ago. It made no difference. It's not a health-condition thing. He's been checked out regularly - he's healthy. And it's gotten stonger, over time. Harder for me to not notice.

 

Crazy and whacked, I know.

I'm just trying to honestly represent what I'm experiencing.

 

Hmmm.

Maybe I'm having olfactory hallucinations because of some deep-seated mental issue I have with him?

Hell - at this point, I suppose anything is possible.

 

Skills-wise, he's ok. It's not an easy thing for him to "please" me. But he's very open to input and will try just about anything. So, it's not that he isn't willing to learn. And I have been forthright in telling him what I want/need/like.

 

And it's not like it is always horrible. Sometimes it's ok. I just don't feel a big connection to him, even when the sex feels good. Maybe I'm off-base, but this seems like a problem to me.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm sorry, it's like I said in the beginning.

You don't love him.

It's not enough to think he's "ok" here, and "alright" there.

And there's no point in trying to 'placate yourself' by highlighting your own 'imperfections'.

Why do you think it is that someone like me would be so unfair to a guy that I readily admit doesn't deserve it?

 

Really.

I'd like to know.

 

I think you're being unfair to both of you.

 

Just ask yourself the question;

"Do I see us together until the end of our days?"

If the answer is 'no' - then there's all the answer you need.

 

Please don't take this as a criticism, it's not meant to be.

but you've spent this entire thread asking yourself why you should stay together.

And the more you do, the less of a reason there seems to be.....

 

Hyper-analysis causes paralysis.

sometimes there is no clear-cut, black-and-white answer.

sometimes, looking for one, is avoiding tackling the issue head on.

The issue is ending it.

Now.

 

But that's just my opinion.

 

Hugs.

[Storyrider]

And he has an odor about him - it is NOT body odor, or a hygiene thing. I think it's maybe a pheromone thing? But it is nauseating to me.

 

It's not his diet - I tried changing that years ago. It made no difference. It's not a health-condition thing. He's been checked out regularly - he's healthy. And it's gotten stonger, over time. Harder for me to not notice.

 

That is so incredibly interesting. Is it the natural odor of his skin, not so much his sweat, but just sort of the natural "him" smell, (like what his hair smells like when it isn't washed for a day or so?)

 

Does he know it?

 

This is sort of related, but when my H and I got together, every time we would mess around and both sweat, I would literally get a rash from his skin contacting mine, and his sweat felt acidic to me. It probably still does, but not so many chances to notice.

 

But that isn't exactly a smell issue. Smells are so powerful.

[twice_shy]

I think I've hit another remarkable low spot.

I feel humiliated even bringing this for discussion again, but I'm at such a loss tonight, that I guess I don't care much anymore that I'm opening myself up to all kinds of potential flaming, backlash, and harsh judgement.

 

I'm not sure what else to do to fix my problem with H.

Maybe if everyone can just tell me how I'm focusing on the wrong things, it'll help snap me back on track, for once and for all.

 

I just cannot find satisfaction with the sex-life H and I have. It just has become, as Lizzie has so aptly described in the past, like having sex with my brother, or something along those lines.

 

Well if you are looking to try to find ways to "get past" certain feelings to fix the marriage, and you listen to Lizzie, then you are doomed.

 

There are just certain people that can handle being married and having sex with the same person for the rest of their life, and there are some that cannot.

 

If you are one of those that cannot handle the long term marriage path, then you need to get out, not only for your sake, but more importantly, for your husband's sake. Otherwise you are gonna fall into the contemptuous behavior of cheating which your husband does not deserve.

[Mustang Sally]

There are just certain people that can handle being married and having sex with the same person for the rest of their life, and there are some that cannot.

Ok.

For the record.

I am very aware that my H doesn't deserve a cheating wife. I think I have made this clear? Or would some more people like to beat me about the head and face with that fact?

 

I'm sorry. I hate getting defensive, because that just gives validation to those that are stating this most obvious fact (that I have already - MULTIPLE TIMES - conceded).

 

But, to attempt to gain some constructive insight from what you have posted, could you tell me, twiceshy, what do you think are the things that make "some people" able to handle being married to one person and "some people" not? I would like to hear your opinions on that. Thanks.

[Mustang Sally]

That is so incredibly interesting. Is it the natural odor of his skin, not so much his sweat, but just sort of the natural "him" smell, (like what his hair smells like when it isn't washed for a day or so?)

I think it's the "him" smell. But he never goes a day without washing, so I don't know what that would be like (maybe a good thing, in my case?). It is particularly strong at the end of the day, so yes - this is probably it. Again, NOT body odor. Just so we're all clear on that.

 

Does he know it?

No.

I don't feel like I can say this to him. I think it would be hurtful to him...maybe I'm just not creative enough about coming up with a way to convey this to him? I don't know. Do you have any ideas on how to do such a thing? I think it would just be the male equivalent of "Hon, your butt looks fat in those jeans." Again. Maybe I'm off-base here.

 

Besides. I don't know what he could do about it, except shower excessively. Again - seems to be missing the point (as Geisha has again eloquently stated).

 

This is sort of related, but when my H and I got together, every time we would mess around and both sweat, I would literally get a rash from his skin contacting mine, and his sweat felt acidic to me. It probably still does, but not so many chances to notice.

That's very interesting, Story.

If you and I didn't have such wonderful children, I'm sure there are those scientists who would say maybe we weren't genetically matched for our husbands?

[Mustang Sally]

I'm sorry, it's like I said in the beginning.

You don't love him.

It's not enough to think he's "ok" here, and "alright" there.

And there's no point in trying to 'placate yourself' by highlighting your own 'imperfections'.

 

 

I think you're being unfair to both of you.

 

Just ask yourself the question;

"Do I see us together until the end of our days?"

If the answer is 'no' - then there's all the answer you need.

 

Please don't take this as a criticism, it's not meant to be.

but you've spent this entire thread asking yourself why you should stay together.

And the more you do, the less of a reason there seems to be.....

 

Hyper-analysis causes paralysis.

sometimes there is no clear-cut, black-and-white answer.

sometimes, looking for one, is avoiding tackling the issue head on.

The issue is ending it.

Now.

 

But that's just my opinion.

 

Hugs.

I appreciate you insight. Thank you so much. It's helpful to be reminded of what I seem to be in denial about. I guess I just don't feel like I "don't love" him. I know I'm not in "infatuation" with him anymore, but I thought maybe sometimes you could still love someone and go through a phase like this?

 

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself because I don't want to rock the boat. I really, really don't want to upset my kids' lives to that extent. (I'd much rather that this whole thing just go away...maybe if I try harder?) Again. A reason why I have run from affair situations in the past, when they've been presented to me.

[dropdeadlegs]

How old are your kids? Honestly, I think the older they are the more traumatic a divorce is, especially when there has been no mitigating factor other than a lack of passion. Young kids are very adaptable, and older children might welcome a divorce in a home filled with anger/violence/infidelity. I don't pretend to know how your kids would deal with a divorce.

 

I've felt what you are feeling, but I left the marriage. I can't argue that leaving was selfish to my own needs in some ways. I've traveled through greener pastures, and some far more barren. But my partner was not right for me in many more ways than just sexual. I'm not sure how I would feel in a marriage that had lots of compatibility .

 

Some people do have an "odor" that is just displeasing and I have to assume that they are unaware of it. Cologne sounds like a solution, but I understand that this issue goes deeper than anything Calvin Klein, Armani, or Karl Lagerfeld can fix.

 

I do believe that you still love your H, just that the love has evolved in ways you couldn't predict. Does the lack of sexual "woohoo's" bother your H as much as it does you?

 

I wish I had some answers for you. I know how much this hurts you and have no idea if there is a right solution. I guess any choice has so many downfalls. You have worked this from all angles and I know you have tried to actively change your thoughts and feelings.

 

(Hugs)

[Geishawhelk]

.....I thought maybe sometimes you could still love someone and go through a phase like this?

Oh yes, of course you can still love them!

I 'loved' my husband for 15 years, without us laying a finger on each other!

But there comes a time when being with your 'brother/sister' just isn't enough. And oddly, after a while, it becomes 'not right' either....

because you are denying both him and yourself the right to a lasting, fulfilling, joy-filled potential.... and the bottom line is that you really cannot think of a good reason why.

If you think the reason is 'the kids' I 'm afraid to say you may have to think again....

 

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself because I don't want to rock the boat. I really, really don't want to upset my kids' lives to that extent

.

Oh that's a minefield...I agree with Dropdeadlegs here. The age matters. The older they are the more tricky it could be.

But when they're young, it's much better, easier and really, far more honest.....

 

 

(I'd much rather that this whole thing just go away...maybe if I try harder?) Again. A reason why I have run from affair situations in the past, when they've been presented to me.

 

Ostriches don't really hide their heads in the sand you know....

They just keep their heads down and wait until they hope all the danger is gone...

More often than not, they end up running like stink....

Wouldn't we all love things like this to 'just go away'....?

 

What could you do to try harder?

What could you ask him to do to try harder?

Why are you loading all this on your side as responsibility?

I did that for years - trust me - it got me nowhere fast... like a foot nailed to the floor, I went around and around in circles.... What a jeffin' idiot!

It wasn't MY fault!

 

It ISN'T YOURS!!

 

And believe me - well, don't actually, if you don't want to....

The temptation to run from an affair situation in the past may not save you in the future.

at one bright moment or another, some guy may well come along that just clicks it all for you. I speak from experience.

It would be better for you to take some kind of constructive action BEFORE that moment comes along.....

[OldEurope]

Dear Mustang S,

 

 

I am following your story with attention and care and I do hope you come to the right decision for yourself. Please do consider the separation option...

 

I want to comment on the "odor" problem if I may. If this has been said already forgive me if I missed the post, but I am almost sure this has to do with diet.

 

I am very big on the science of one's own diet (by this I mean, going beyond what is merely "good" for you, and rather into the whole relationship between nutrition and disease, etc...). I can tell you that diet has much to do with one's "smell" and someone who is eating way too much meat or heavy sauces or carbohydrates is going to have all that coming through the pores, as the body needs to relieve itself from the overload of much of that food.

 

The potency of those foods affects the chemical makeup of the body, just as like when someone eats garlic, you smell it in their skin just as you might coffee on someone's breath.

 

A person on a diet of more fish or fruit for example, is going to have a "cleaner" smell, and, I believe, a healthier body (and outlook) all around.

 

Please look at his diet. I think the culprit is there.

[Geishawhelk]

It's not his diet - I tried changing that years ago. It made no difference. It's not a health-condition thing. He's been checked out regularly - he's healthy. And it's gotten stronger, over time. Harder for me to not notice.

 

OldEurope,

You're right, MS did try it already...

I'm only 'interfering' and replying on her behalf, because I know it is more difficult for her to come in more often, and other posts may appear between yours and her next response...

Whilst i think it's always a good idea to review, and tackle a problem again, in the way you describe, I actually think in this specific case, it's 'smoke and mirrors'....

With the deepest respect (truly!) to Mustang Sally, I think she's trying to find any which way possible to try to 'justify' her reasoning and feelings.

Having been through almost an identical experience, I know her logic well... I can equate and empathise....

I went through as many different logical arguments and rational conclusions as I could, before I finally 'opened the door' and let the obvious kick me in the ass....

[Mustang Sally]

Oh geez.

I'm having another crying day, today.

Aaargh!

I know you all have no reason to believe me when I say it just ISN'T LIKE ME to be so wishy-washy and EMOTIONAL! I'm starting to piss myself off that I've become such a freaking MESS...

 

But you are helping me so much - you have NO IDEA.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Really. From the bottom of my anonymous internet chat room heart. I think I would surely be insane by now if I couldn't let this stuff out.

 

It seems the pendulum is still swinging. And when it swings, it really swings. My H got in the shower with me this morning and all I could think was "Get out of here! Can't I have a moment alone, without you and your dick's needs coming at me constantly?" OMG! How f*cked up (no pun intended) is THAT?!?! I have gone from horny sex-starved bitch-in-heat to a frigid mean-ass c*nt that can hardly stand the sight of him naked!

 

Oh my lord. I feel like I"m sinking again.

What the F*CK is WRONG with me?

[Kasan]

Sweetie--

 

You are one of my favorites here on LS. Have you had a check up recently?

 

Maybe out of whack hormones could be contributing to your situation?

[Mustang Sally]

DDL -

The kids are young. 11, 7, 3, 2.

What can I say? I wanted them to grow up with a loving, INTACT family (absolutely NO OFFENSE is intended to those that are single parents or divorced/remarried/etc.). I wanted them to grow up with their mom and dad together for all the important events (and the not-so-important ones, too) in their lives. With their parents setting the example of a loving relationship for them to aspire to. I grew up with a "sex is something good girls shouldn't enjoy" example from my parents - no, really just my mom. My poor dad wasn't allowed anything to say about it... And it took me until recent years to transcend the damage that did (I know she didn't mean it...my mom is a wonderful lady and I love her to pieces, but she's got her hangups, just like anyone). Now, I'm not blaming my mom for all my problems (Please. ) But I did learn from that experience and I DO NOT want to repeat it. I vowed to myself that I WOULD NOT put the same thing on my kids. Ane here I am - probably doing just that! Not overtly, mind you...but I believe that kids pick up on the subtle nuances in a their parents' relationship.

 

Anyway. There are so many hopes and dreams that I had for them that involved giving them a stable (and again, INTACT) nuclear family.

 

And so thinking about destroying all of that - again because of MY own SELFISH wants and needs....I just don't know. I feel like I have let all of them down, in just about the worst possible way - a way that I promised myself I never would. And I don't even know why I'm having this problem. And I think about all of the couples I've grown up around in my community...I'm sure many, MANY of them had similar issues. But they stuck it out. The wife did her duty, the husband lived with it...and it worked....didn't it? Why can't I seem to come around to that resolution? What is my problem that I feel so entitled to "have it all?"

 

 

I do believe that you still love your H, just that the love has evolved in ways you couldn't predict. Does the lack of sexual "woohoo's" bother your H as much as it does you?

I think he gets his "woohoos" with no problem. I'm about 100% certain of it. When I have a morning like today, though, of course it must hurt him. And I hate myself for hurting him in this way. I really do. But sometimes (like this am) the recoil is so strong that I can't work around it. It's not always like that. It waxes and wanes. Sometimes I feel more loving towards him and then it's better. Never great, but better. Good grief. I know how horrible that sounds. I know how what I've just written is a personal affront to just about every male on the planet. And I'm sorry for that. I really am. But I'm just going to go ahead and be honest about it. I'm not getting anywhere by lying about it.

 

I wish I had some answers for you. I know how much this hurts you and have no idea if there is a right solution. I guess any choice has so many downfalls. You have worked this from all angles and I know you have tried to actively change your thoughts and feelings.

Thank you for your understanding. Sincerely. I appreciate it more than you can know.

[Mustang Sally]

But there comes a time when being with your 'brother/sister' just isn't enough. And oddly, after a while, it becomes 'not right' either....

Yes. I can see this. I think that is why I am revisiting this again...when I thought I had worked it out and could live with it...

because you are denying both him and yourself the right to a lasting, fulfilling, joy-filled potential....

I know that is wrong. Believe me. I know it is not fair to him. I just wish I could find a way to make myself into that person that he deserves instead of breaking up my family.

and the bottom line is that you really cannot think of a good reason why.

If you think the reason is 'the kids' I 'm afraid to say you may have to think again....

Well, when you are looking head on at the possibility of breaking up the only family unit your kids have ever known, it looks pretty impossible, I'll tell you. At least to me it does. And that is just the feelings side of it. That doesn't even get into the finances, the logistics, the thought of dividing up everything we own...blah blah blah. I'm not saying that those are reasons to stay in a broken marriage...but it seems absolutely overwhelming. Insurmountable. How could we ever come through all of that without being completely and utterly destroyed personally? I'm struggling to see it.

 

Oh that's a minefield...I agree with Dropdeadlegs here. The age matters. The older they are the more tricky it could be.

But when they're young, it's much better, easier and really, far more honest.....

I appreciate your point. Really I do. I'm working on it.

 

What could you do to try harder?

I don't know.

What could you ask him to do to try harder?

Nothing. The problem is not his. I'm the broken one, here.

Why are you loading all this on your side as responsibility?

Because he doesn't deserve this. He didn't ask for it. I made a promise to him (our wedding vows) and now I've broken it and let him down. How could I have done that?

 

And believe me - well, don't actually, if you don't want to....

The temptation to run from an affair situation in the past may not save you in the future.

at one bright moment or another, some guy may well come along that just clicks it all for you. I speak from experience.

It would be better for you to take some kind of constructive action BEFORE that moment comes along.....

I know you are right. I just hope and pray that I would never give in to that sort of temptation. I firmly believe that one must have closure with one relationship before there is any hope of another healthy one coming along (again - at least for me. I know there are those out there that have had a different experience.)

[Mustang Sally]

Sweetie--

 

You are one of my favorites here on LS. Have you had a check up recently?

 

Maybe out of whack hormones could be contributing to your situation?

I'm healthy. I promise. Hormones just as they should be. No freeloading parasites (aka fetuses) present...

 

Just mentally messed up.

[Mustang Sally]

Yes, OE and Geisha. I did change the family diet to see if that was the issue. It didn't make enough of difference. I'm not saying that it couldn't still be a contributing factor, because I agree with what you are saying OE. But I can tell you that for the last 6-8 months or so, both H and I have made an effort to eat healthier and exercise regularly. He still has the "smell." (OMG. I feel humiliated that I have even mentioned this...)

 

As to the smoke and mirrors hypothesis? You could certainly be right. I don't think I am making it up...but who knows? Our minds are curious and powerful things. Maybe, as I said before, it's some sort of self-manufactured olfactory hallucination that I am creating to sabotage situations that subconsciously I want to avoid? I don't know enough about that sort of psychologic-business to make an informed statement. I guess I'd probably believe I was capable of just about anything, though, at this point.

[Geishawhelk]

No MS, you misunderatand (I think).... I'm not suggesting you ARE making it up.

What I am saying is that you are examining the situation from so many angles, you can't tell which way is up any more...and that you are attempting to find as many reasons as possible to justify why it';s just not floating your boat.

I can fully equate with the shower incident....

 

MS, I really cannot emphasise this enough.

Your feelings, emotions and expressions of same, may well be your responsibility - but this is NOT your fault - !!

 

These things happen. really, they do.

The difference between your situation and that of others I have come across is that you have a conscience. And frankly, it's the strongest one I have seen. But I believe in this case, it's crippling you.

 

I really would be so much happier if you could just release this guilt a bit.

We have already discussed that your husband seems in denial or insensitive to your needs, and I appreciate that frankly, your instinct is to protect him. But in time, this resentment of his invading your personal space may become too much to bear as a neutral controllable emotion. You'll start to really dislike him, and eventually it could cause animosity, and a hostile rift.

 

Please, PLEASE stop accepting all the blame for this.

It happens.

People fall out of Love, Lust, whatever you want to call it.

But you really do not help yourself or your children by taking it all upon your shoulders....

In any relationship it takes 2 to tango, and it's supposed to be an equal give and take. If you keep doing this to yourself, I can see you stressing yourself to a breakdown.

 

This really, really worries me.

 

IT's NOT ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!