Leave my man alone! Jealous of girl from the net

[Queequeg]

Sweet merciful crap I am so jealous it's not even funny.

 

Okay, so I've been with my man for almost 5 years, we don't live together yet. We have had issues but we're pretty good most of the time.

 

A while back we had a huge fight and pretty much broke up (for like a week.) I spent the week making myself feel independent. He signed up for a dating site.

 

He didn't cheat on me! But he did meet this girl on there (I don't know if he contacted her or if she contacted him, he doesn't have a picture on his profile) and added her to his instant messenger. My boyfriend is very open and honest and told me about her after we got over our troubles, and that she has a boyfriend and is not interested.

 

However, he also told me that she has slept with 20 guys and is the same age as how many guys she's slept with! She's told him about her sexual experiences, her likes and dislikes, etc. This is all on the internet by the way. He has also shown me pictures on facebook, she is pretty. I don't like that either.

 

Now they've been chatting for a few months and are planning on meeting up!!! At her house!!! He says he's going there to help her with her computer problems and "hang out". This worries me.

 

I hate that this is happening. I despise the situation. It's so weird!! I trust my boyfriend, but he has never really had friends that are girls, let alone go to their house! Who invites a stranger from the internet over to their house anyway? Seriously!

 

I feel like such a queen for being like this, but it just rocks the boat. The way they met totally embarrasses me, and the way I'm reacting to all of it feels unnatural. I don't want this to happen, but I also don't want to be a possessive and controlling bitch.

 

Can somebody else please give me their take on the situation?

[SeraBella]

I would be upset with this, too. And I wouldn't up with it.

 

There is NO need for him to go over there. I'm sure she knows someone else who can help with her "computer problems" and if she doesn't you should send her the number of geek squad (or wherever, i don't know any places).

 

Either he's extremely naive, or thinks you are.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I dunno I mean I wouldn't like the way in which they met on a dating site after you 2 were broken up.

 

Thats the only thing I don't care for about it all I mean if it hadn't happened like that then I would prob be ok with it.

 

You can't control people on any level and you can't tell them who they can and can't be friends with.

 

UNLESS there was actual cheating with that other person in the past! thats just how I see this kinda issue.

 

I just don't think one should try and control the other it can lead to hurt and resentment.

 

I have an idea why don't you try and become friends with her as well and then you 3 can all hang out togher?

[SeraBella]

I dunno I mean I wouldn't like the way in which they met on a dating site after you 2 were broken up.

 

Thats the only thing I don't care for about it all I mean if it hadn't happened like that then I would prob be ok with it.

 

You can't control people on any level and you can't tell them who they can and can't be friends with.

 

UNLESS there was actual cheating with that other person in the past! thats just how I see this kinda issue.

 

I just don't think one should try and control the other it can lead to hurt and resentment.

 

I have an idea why don't you try and become friends with her as well and then you 3 can all hang out togher?

 

It doesn't sound like she's trying to control him to me. She's trying to NOT be like that.

 

Here are the reasons I'd be upset with it:

 

They met on a dating site...so, more than likely she was looking for more than a friend.

 

She has a boyfriend...did she have this boyfriend when she was on the site and they met? If so, I'd say that shows something about her character.

 

She's been with 20 guys, and she's only 20 yrs old...kind of indicates she's probably a little closer to the easy side of the scale more than the virtuous side.

 

Seriously, who DOES invite someone from the internet to meet at their house? The only people I know who have done that (maybe it's just the people I know) are looking to hook up. Everyone else I know that meets people from online, initially meet them in public places...no matter how long they've been chatting online.

 

 

 

 

Just my take on it. Perhaps I'm wrong.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ask to come along so you can meet her. If he says no or balks, then you will know that there is more to it than he is letting on.

[bobbiestrout]

Do NOT let him go. I am an older woman, and I've slept with over 150 men. If this girl is 20 and has slept with over 20 men, and she has revealed that to your boyfriend, they are 'talking' about sex. This means if they are talking about sexual matters, they are NOT being 'friendly'. Trust me, I talk about sex with alot of people online and I know.

[Ariadne]

Sweet merciful crap I am so jealous it's not even funny.

 

Can somebody else please give me their take on the situation?

 

Love is all about freedom.

 

The more freedom you give the more intimacy you create.

 

Let him go to this girl's house and let him tell you all about it, if he wants to.

 

Don't concern yourself with these matters, if he wants to be with her and leave you he'll let you know.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Here are the reasons I'd be upset with it:

 

They met on a dating site...so, more than likely she was looking for more than a friend. --This I can agree with like I said.

 

She has a boyfriend...did she have this boyfriend when she was on the site and they met? If so, I'd say that shows something about her character.-- This can be a gray shade you don't always know the true status or nature of some ones R.

 

She's been with 20 guys, and she's only 20 yrs old...kind of indicates she's probably a little closer to the easy side of the scale more than the virtuous side.--This altho it may indicate shes has the mindset to sleep with lots of men.

 

Doesn't always mean shes just easy girls allot of the time sleep with that many men cause there looking for love or some one to care for them.

 

So I don't think its really a virtuous or not issue she should have not informed him of it tho so maybe sadly she hasn't learned yet.

 

Seriously, who DOES invite someone from the internet to meet at their house? The only people I know who have done that (maybe it's just the people I know) are looking to hook up. Everyone else I know that meets people from online, initially meet them in public places...no matter how long they've been chatting online.

 

I agree you usually don't invite some one you have never met before into your house like that!

 

Unless like you said its with a hook up in mind thats also one of the reasons I suggested that poster #1 try and make friends with her as well.

 

To find out were this girl is honestly trying to take things if its all Innocent with the girl and the guy then neither should mind the gf being there.

 

Again if it was a different setting I would allow it with no questions asked thats just me tho.

 

I never could stand a partner who becomes jealous and controlling over my friends,

 

And I refuse to do the same not saying thats what # is doing thats just me..........

Just my take on it. Perhaps I'm wrong.

[littlekitty]

In the first place I would find it disrepectful that he continued to talk to someone he met on a dating site while we were not together. Regardless that she now has a 'boyfriend'?! I wonder how feels about your boyfriend going over to her house?

 

To then tell me he was going over there to 'fix her computer'? Errrr no!

 

I'm sorry, but my husband wouldn't even think about doing something like that. I'm not jealous or possesive, but I wouldn't be liking that.

 

If he really wants to continue the friendship and meet up with this girl, the most respectful thing for all parties involved is that the 4 of you meet up.

[Lyssa]

She told your BF about the number of men she has slept with - that could only mean that they talked a lot - on sex and everything else.

[oppath]

It's not controlling or jealous to be upset about your significant other meeting new women randomly, talking about sex, and then hanging out at their house. You have to be naive and a doormat to allow that.

 

Having boundaries is not about control. It's about not being a doormat. If his intentions are innocent, and they are JUST friends, then he'd have no problem with her accompanying him.

 

I talk to some women on LS via private messages and consider us friends. Some of those women are in relationships. If we were to meet up, it would not be appropriate unless their boyfriends were there too.

 

I give him credit for making her visible to you rather than just lying about it. But this is SHADY. How would he like it if you were to meet a stranger online, discuss your sex lives, and you were planning to meet up with the guy at his house? As a guy, he would instantly recognize that he wouldn't invite a woman over unless he was interested.

 

I don't call it control; I call it defining what to you is a healthy relationship and asserting that to your boyfriend. In healthy relationships, your SO is visible to new people you meet and your other friendships are transparent. That is how trust is built, by making your partner visible and by sharing your life. So while it's good that he told her about this, it is SHADY. I wouldn't invite someone from online to my house unless I wanted to hookup. In fact, I wouldn't meet up with them at all unless I was interested.

[Florida]

Out in the open cheating.

 

He must think you are a real big dummy to think you would let it slide.

 

Why would you even think twice to consider if you are in the wrong because BF met some chick on line who they talked about sex and now he is going to her house??

 

I'm sorry you spent 5 years with him to have it go this way.

 

But based on your wording I don't know if anything anyone points out will make a difference.

 

At least make sure he keeps it wrapped from this point on, he is making your relationship an open relationship, and dating with your consent.

 

Open your eyes!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Love is all about freedom.

 

The more freedom you give the more intimacy you create.

 

Let him go to this girl's house and let him tell you all about it, if he wants to.

 

Don't concern yourself with these matters, if he wants to be with her and leave you he'll let you know.

 

this is a really naive way of looking at things, and sounds like the perfect way to get walked all over by someone who takes advantage of a trusting person.

 

you can assert yourself and your needs/wants/feelings without smothering someone.

 

if someone needs this much 'freedom', they aren't looking for intimacy within a committed relationship, and anyone in an intimate, committed relationship wouldn't and shouldn't be looking for this kind of freedom...

 

Edited February 8, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely

[oppath]

this is a really naive way of looking at things, and sounds like the perfect way to get walked all over by someone who takes advantage of a trusting person.

 

you can assert yourself and your needs/wants/feelings without smothering someone.

 

if someone needs this much 'freedom', they aren't looking for intimacy within a committed relationship, and anyone in an intimate, committed relationship wouldn't and shouldn't be looking for this kind of freedom...

 

 

Agreed Kenzie.

 

It is not controlling, jealous, or possessive to say "I feel uncomfortable with this and disrespected. It hurts me." Can you be friends with whoever you want? Sure. But if someone behaves in a way that makes leaves you feeling insecure, it doesn't necessarily mean you are an insecure person. If your SO does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, in a healthy relationship, you would say "that makes me feel uncomfortable" and your SO will meet you halfway to ease the discomfort.

 

Tell him "I have a problem with this. It makes me uncomfortable and I feel disrespected. Can you understand why?" If he says "she's just a friend, it's innocent" ask "how would you feel if I were talking to random guys online, and we'd discuss sex, and one of them invited me over to his house and I agreed to go? I'm not a guy, but if I were single, I wouldn't invite a guy over unless I had interest, so of course I feel suspicious. It upsets me that you even put yourself in this situation."

 

There is nothing controlling or manipulative in that. It's tell him how you feel. You feel uncomfortable, disrespected, suspicious, and upset. You have the right to to assert those feelings to him. If your SO imbues those feelings in you, it really is his job to make you feel more at ease by compromising, meeting you half way, or just ending the situation alltogether.

[Spoonandfork22]

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? id be livid. absolutely not is it ok for him to be meeting up with this girl. its not about computer problems, its about him seeing for himself what she is in person, he is curious. he was interested once, im sure it didnt go away regardless if he has a gf.

 

IMO, if he is persuing this it is a BIG RED FLAG i dont care if he tells you this is his 'buddy'. this is RIDICULOUS! and i also dont think that anyone who says this isnt a big deal is lying, because this situation would boggle anyones mind.

 

 

he shouldnt go, dont let him go and if he chooses too, its break time for you and he. i know that sucks, but hes disrespecting you big time with this situation, regardless if hes being completely honest with you about it (which IS great by the way that hes not hiding it). However, just because someone is being honest with you doesnt mean they are taking the right actions. He is in a relationship with YOu and he shouldnt be entertaining ANY idea like going to some random girls house to meet up over 'computer problems'.

 

i wish you luck with this and i hope he decides to boot her out of his life and both of your lives. you dont deserve this.

 

honestly i am just stunned!!

[caramel271]

Your boyfriend sounds like hes very sneaky and he thinks your naive!! First off theres no way my man is gonna tell me hes' going over to fix a girls computer that he met on the internet!! I would fall out laughn like "Are you serious." He should have more respect for you and your relationship than that. I'm sure she has family or friends that can help her out. And if not sh** take the computer to a repair shop. I think if all this makes you feel uncomfortable he should of recognized that and put a stop to everything. You guys were together for a minute (long time). When a person really loves a person and respects them. They would consider their feelings and ground of the relationship. I would tell my man.. "Okay... You go head and go fix her computer (its a rap) and i won't be here when you get back." I would tell him thats not a threat but if you wanna try me!.. go head!!!

[norajane]

Oh, hell no!

 

She has a boyfriend - he can 'fix her computer' or whatever she's looking for from your bf.

 

If he insists on going, then you insist on going with him so you can meet her in person, and suggest that she invite her bf to join all of you, too.

[caramel271]

Just another piece of my 2 cents How would your boyfriend feel if he was in your shoes and the situation was tha other way around. He wouldn't go for that sh**. Its all up to you and what your willing to tolerate and what you feel you worth.

[pinkrazr]

Seems to me.... if shes making plans with him on face book and msn or whatever.

Her computer must not be all that broken!

and ouch to the face he sughed up on a dating site off the hop...

you trust this guy? sounds like he really knows how to wrap you around his finger.

Get outta there girl!

[pinkrazr]

Oh, hell no!

 

She has a boyfriend - he can 'fix her computer' or whatever she's looking for from your bf.

 

If he insists on going, then you insist on going with him so you can meet her in person, and suggest that she invite her bf to join all of you, too.

 

Smart!!! Thats totally a good idea!

that way her man has NO excuse.