Raiatea Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Boyfriend and I have been together nearly 3 years, and we live together. For all the time I have known him, he has been in touch with his ex-fiance. They were together 3 years and broke up because he came to live in the US. He doesn't know that I know that they were engaged. I found an old letter from her to him that he had kept, and it had a lot of details about their engagement in (they got engaged when he was living in the US and she was back in his home country). They broke up in 2003/04. After her he had a 1 year relationship with someone else before he met me. She lives in the US now, in a different state from us. He speaks to her on the phone every few weeks, but I only know this because I check our phone bill and I know her number. She sends him text messages a lot, and if he receives one while I am stood next to him, he says it's from a male friend of his who we know well. Again, I know it's her from checking our phone bill. I didn't think I was the type of person to get jealous and possessive but he lies to me about their communication. A long time ago when I was braver, I asked him who she was. He said she was a former work colleague. Boyfriend knows I am very sensitive, so could it be that he is trying to protect my feelings? He doesn't visit her or speak every day so there is probably nothing to worry about, is there? He works 2 full time jobs and we hardly ever see each other, but he is very committed to out relationship. We are planning to get married in a few years from now and have a child, as well as currently planning financially for our future together. He has never lived with anyone before me. I am 30 and he is 34. Tell me what you think is going on guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 When you use words like "Secret" and " Lies" to describe some of your relationship and then throw in phone calls and text messages then I would say to you that you know the answer... The thing I think I would do in your situation is to have a sit down talk with your BF.. Lay your cards out on what you expect of him.. tell him he has to give up all communication with the ex-fiance.. You mentioned a few years is the time you think you might be getting married.. For a couple in their 30's that has been together for 3 years and lives together then I think marriage in a few years says to me that someone in your relationship doesn't want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raiatea Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 Yes, I get what you're saying. But I know they are friends, and wouldn't it be wrong of me to force him to stop being friends with her? Its the lying I can't handle, but I know he will cause a fight between us if I bring up the fact that I know he is lying. If he gets angry he often doesn't talk to me for a day or two. It is bordering on abusve sometimes. For example, he called me after leaving work one evening. he hardly ever does that, so I said "What's wrong?" and he hung up on me. Later he said that he doesn't need anything to be wrong for him to call me, then he stopped talking to me all evening. This happens about once a month. And I am waiting for some immigration paperwork to come through before we can get married. He said he would do it today if he could! (Actually I have just reread what I wrote above. I am kidding myself if I think this relationship is going to work.) Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 and wouldn't it be wrong of me to force him to stop being friends with her? Its the lying I can't handle, And I am waiting for some immigration paperwork to come through before we can get married. He said he would do it today if he could! It could work.. but it is time for some real honesty between you both... No.. it isn't wrong to ask him to stop being friends with her.. It is their inability to keep the friendship out of your relationship. While there is nothing wrong with being friends with someone from the past it has to not come between new relationships.. it if does then the friendship must go. The lying is a bigggggg issue... only direct communication can clear this up.. you have to be able to know what you can and cannot accept and thell him this.. then he has to either accept it or not... The immigration paperwork might be valid and might be being used as a crutch to keep the status quo.. Interject yourself more into the immigration paperwork and maybe you can help him get it pushed thru.. if not you will at least see if it a valid reason for not making you his wife... I think at this point you need to do the face to face talk with him and air it all out.. let him know your expectations and ask him what his expectations of you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raiatea Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks for your input. The immigration issue is definitely valid - we have been dealing with this for a long time and I have been there every step of the way. It is just taking longer than either of us expected. To be absolutely honest, I am scared to death about confronting him with anything. He has such a bad temper (not violent, just speaks before he thinks) and he can be overpowering sometimes. I and I cry easily! I asked him yesterday to not let anyone from his past come between us, and he said that he is extremely committed to us and will do whatever it takes to keep us together. He says I have to have confidence in him, and I am trying to! Do you (or anyone) have any tips on broaching this difficult subject? Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Do you (or anyone) have any tips on broaching this difficult subject? Yes. You tell him "I understand that I am sensitive, but I FEEL that sometimes you are not forthright about things that you consider unimportant, because you want to spare my feelings. I need to be honest with you, and I ask that you allow me to talk for a minute, and then I'll give you a chance to respond. Is that ok? Good. I know that you are in contact with your ex fiance. And I know that you lie about it. No, please, let me finish. I trust you and I don't think anything is going on between you two. That's not the issue. The issue is that you aren't open and honest about it. I feel hurt that you conceal it. I am sensitive. But I want to build a life with you, and I want you to be open and honest about the people in it. I ask that you no longer conceal things that you feel are innocent, just to spare my feelings. I want you to be honest and let me deal with it. What are your thoughts on that?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raiatea Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 God that's good That is put very well, and I will try this tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
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