He just made contact

[sharon1970]

Hi Everyone, i really need advice here as i'm not sure how to proceed with this one. My ex of 2 year have been broken up now for 3 months (only 5 weeks with NC). Throughout the first month and a half we were emailing eachother some pretty hurtful emailis. The break up was messy and immature (we were fighting quite a bit) and resulted out of a big fight and us not speaking. We bumped into eachother 1.5 months ago and based on his demeanour and things he said to me i basically turned around and asked him for another chance which he flat out refused. this only made me beg more (a few days and i gave up).

 

He has contacted me (just a simple hello hope you're well) and i have not responded. Why - because 1. i don't trust his intentions (i believe he was rejected by another woman). 2. He was mean to me when we broke and hello isn't going to cut it at this point. I know that if i don't respond he will not pursue it further because of his pride. I would like to know if:

1. Not responding is an immature responsive if i wanted him back.

2. Is it a mean way to treat someone you loved despite how he treated me. (he basically ignore a happy new year note i sent him - although it was too over the top gushy)

3. Will playing this game really give me the answers to what i'm looking for - is he serious?

 

Any advise would be so appreciated.

 

Thanks,

 

Sharon

[PinkRibbon]

You know if you want a simple email of "I am doing great! Thank you for asking." and just leave it at that. Personally I am up for No Contact but the decision is yours. But IF you do email just leave it short and simple like I mentioned. He is not your boyfriend anymore and deserves nothing more.

 

Don't let yourself be dragged into a game. You have control of that. No one but you can allow him to drag you back into this. Chin up!

[NotMyselfNEmore]

It has always been my belief that men do not respond to words, instead they respond to distance. He has done just that. If he did it because someone rejected him or if he just wants to see if you are still pining over him.... that's a different subject. The reality is, he responded to your NC (i.e. distance). Is it a possitive response? Is it a negative response? It doesn't matter which kind of response it is. The reality of the matter is that he treated you very badly when you were groveling. Therefore, let him grovel. Don't be mean to him. Don't stoop down to his level. Show him you are a better person than he is by cordially answering his "hello" the way our pinkribbon suggested. Just say "I'm fine, thank you for asking".

 

***just offering my 2 cents***

[s_n_d]

I agree.

You need to reply and only give him the info he asked.

Dont give him anything extra.

Be to the point and straight forward.

[sharon1970]

Hi. Thanks so much for your advice. I agree that if i were to email back then it should be simply answering him that i'm ok and not asking any questions about him.

 

However, if he is just emialing to see if i am pining over him does even just responding tell him that? If he is just contacting me because he was rejected only make me look pathetic and his other love interest who rejected him look more worthy?

 

I begged and lost my dignity.I came on very strong and he didn't believe my sincerity so he says. It was a big mistake and in the end i only received his contempt. I should have maintained my dignity. But what is done is done.

 

If i don't answer him back will he believe or feel validated that the play i made for him was insincere??? As well, I don't think his contact is a sign that he wants me back but just for his own comfort because he was rejected. Its been 3 days now that i have not resonded and am still confused as to whether i should or not. If i don't he may never contact me again and i'm not sure if i should take that chance? even though its true that he may not want to reconcile but that could change if i allow the door to be open. or i may respond to his email and he may then turn around and ignore my response. I would be prepared for that though.

 

ANy advise based on your experience guys?

 

thanks

[s_n_d]

Honestly I think youd be doing the right thing either way..if you replied now or if you didnt reply at all. You say its already been three days since you got that text from him and you have yet to reply. If you do, say something like ..oh hey i JUST noticed that you texted me a few days ago. and then tell him your ok.

By replying his message, your showing that your the bigger person..that you dont ignore it when someone texts you..

 

Thats what I think anyways.

Its all up to you.

Do whatever YOU feel comfortable with.

[PinkRibbon]

So did you email him back?

[sharon1970]

So, i took the plunge and emailed back something short and simple with no questions. I decided that i have nothing to loose at this point even if he does not answer back. i have absolutely no expectations. As well i think it is the classier way to be to not ignore someone who you once loved very much. I just don't want to be angry anymore and ignoring does not make me feel vindicated.

[sharon1970]

Hi Guys, well, as i suspected he has not emailed me back after he was the one who initiated contact. I emailed him 5 days later, just a simple i'm doing well thanks but not asking him any questions. I figured he would not respond as he was testing the waters and since i didn't give him any information about where i'm at nor expressing i miss him etc he has nothing to go on. If he truly wanted to get back together or had regrets this would not have deterred him.

 

Its fine but this is yet another reason why this relationship would not work in the long run. he has too much pride even when he was the one who pushed me away.

 

I don't regret emailing him back though as it shows him that i am not vindicitive. It was a cordial response i'm happy that i replied to see what his true intentions were. He will never be a real man.

[prisonbreak]

Knowing what you know now, that he did not respond, would you have done it (replied to him)? I know you posted that your glad you did, but really? If you were giving me advice and knew he wouldn't respond to me, would you advise me not to do it?

[D-Lish]

I think he is using the silent treatment as a way of punishing you for not responding to his e-mail sooner. That should show you what kind of guy he is.

 

At your last encounter you reached out to him and he dissed you. You sent him a mushy e-mail at new years- and he didn't bother to respond.

 

I don't think he deserves your time and energy at this point.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I don't think this guy is worth waiting or hoping for.

 

It sounds as if he is playing games.

[sharon1970]

I agree with all of you. He is playing games - he always needs to have one up on anyyone. He has ruined many relationships (friends and GF's) because of his selfishness and inability to empathize with others. He always expects others to give to him but he gives little back.

 

I knew that he was testing the waters with his email and that a simple cordial response would not have given him enough encouragement to reply. The email was either about:

 

1. Seeing if he could extract any attention from me B/c he was feelin down.

2. A sincere attempt at reaching out and maybe reconciling.

 

Likely it is a bit of both (more the former) however, based on how he treated me he didn't deserve for me to reveal my feelings to him. If he wanted to somehow reconcile than he would come to his own emotional understanding (insight into his behaviour) and put his heart on the line for me. It was obviously a short lived feeling or he is too stubborn.

 

In any case, i don't feel bad that i responded because i didn't expect anything and i gave him yet another opportunity to proof his intentions or what he is made of. It is actually a disspointment to me that i could have loved someone with his breadth of character or lack thereof. I really do see him as pathetic. I appreciate real and geniunine people. He is an empty shell of man to me.

 

My advise in replying to your ex is if you feel you still want to see where it goes is to convey a self reliant, confident, cordial tone to your email and do not throw him a line - responding is enough. DOn't make it easy for him if he was the one to break it off you (unless you were at fault). If he wants to get back together than you responding should give him enough and the onus is on him to make amends or draw the feelings out of you, not the other way around. If you respond emotionally whatsoever he will get his fix and you will walk away feeling used. I don't feel used at all because i see it as i was merely being polite.

[sharon1970]

I am not sure why i continue thinking about him now that i eamiled him. Now i wonder if he will try and email me. Does any think he will based on the last email i sent him and on the events surrounding our breakup?

[NotMyselfNEmore]

Ok..... a different point of view: Maybe he didn't respond because you answered in a way he WASN'T expecting. He was expecting a lot of details, questions and a glimpse of interest. You didn't give him that. So, he walked away sad? That should make you happy that you didn't give him the satisfaction of saying "yeah... I still got her right around my finger".

[sharon1970]

I think he did walk away sad. I'm glad that i didn't feed his ego, because if that is what he was after than it is not fair to me. If he was after more than he should step up to the plate and make it more clear what he is after. Today is especially hard for me, i've been thinking about him every second since i woke up. I don't think he'll attempt to contact me today. but still hope he will make a better effort in contacting me again in the near future????

[PinkRibbon]

How do you feel now that you have sent the email and the lack of response from him?

[selena_cat]

i was in the exact,very similar boat as you a couple of months ago,its liek reading my pwn post. Yes you will hear from him again,as long asyoure not chasing,but pleeeease dont set your hopes high when he makes contact,big mistake, he can be toying and playing games,via contacting ince in a while to check on you, no real sincerity 4 reconciling,make it your goa to see him for what he really is. Take it froms omeone whose been exactly there

[sharon1970]

Thanks selena_cat. I appreciate you sharing your expereince with me. It is still hard to believe that he could walk away from me/what we had and when i hear from him i want to believe so badly that he is reaching out b/c he wants me back. I realize that he was not serious otherwise there was no reason why he wouldn't have replied to my reply. I didn't ask him any questions but still he could have replied if he realllllly wanted to.

 

I know that our relationship was turbulent (so was his 10 year relationship before me) and that he has made a decision to move on....he said when we spoke a month after we broke up that its not that he doesn't want to get back together its just that he won't. In any case if he emails me back again should i continue being cold in the email responses ?

 

How did your communication go with your ex when he made contact. I would be interested in hearing your story.

[selena_cat]

OMG! thats so like my experience, he had a 11 year relationship,but i guess i was just the rebound,supprt girl whom he leaned on during the bumpy ride,and once he got better,off to the next one he goes, Which still kills me.

When he made several contact,my worst mistake was answering,he said something real disrespectful to me which i could only reveal if you care to Pm me. So afraid he may catch on this site, i should change my name too. Sorry being paranoid,anyway,

so after his blatant disrespectful comment i dissapeared and did NC which led to the where are you,why are you not answering my calls.

So after the holidays i decided to answer the phone,big mistake.

because nothing really changed, he did apologize for his offense, but didnt stop the hurt of him saying it,and all it did was reset the pain clock.

If i can go back, i would have told him,i'm not ready to keep in contact with you now so please dont. That could have stopped and prolong this anguish,

Main thing is if he is not calling you to reconcile,it really does not mean anything. Sure it makes you feel better that they contact,at least make it seems like they didnt forget you. he just called after 2 weeks of me restarting no contact again,(hope this time i stay succesful cuz i didnt answer).

All they do when they,(ex, ex friend) contact you is check on you,nothing more,check on their backup,in case things dont work out with the new person.

You on the other hand dont want to be available for that,they lost you remember and gave you up,not the other way around. So they need to feel that loss.

You dont want to keep in contact as friends so they can blurt out the horrible news, i met someone.

Really hope that helps.

Btw, i'm usually on Askmehelpdesk.com, thats a very helpul site,lots of support,like this one.

Edited February 18, 2008 by selena_cat

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think he'll attempt to contact me today. but still hope he will make a better effort in contacting me again in the near future????

Realistically, what has he done to encourage this line of thinking ?

 

He has -

 

- sent you hurtful emails

- refused your attempts at reconcilliation

- stood by while you begged for a chance

- ignored your "over the top" Happy New Year note

 

and now ignored your response to his contact. Seems he's been consistent (and consistently mean) in his interactions with you. And I'd say his message has been fairly loud and clear...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sharon1970]

Thanks Lucky, sometimes one needs to look at the hard facts to see the reality. I can not dispute the facts. However, there are 2 sides to every story and I understand his side as well. It is clear of course that he did not want to reconcile after having 6 weeks thinking about things (if there was a time reconcile that would have been it). However i do know for a fact that he suffered greatly during those weeks, as witnesses by friends and collegues. I am not under any wiles that this is about loosing me but more about his sense of failure (in his defense he wanted this to work out). It is clear that he does not equate the degree of his suffering with the love he had for me (however maybe he is emomtionally confused???). We fought (mostly his fault) about many things that i don't want to reveal here but any woman would have an issue with his behaviour (unless he is inspired to change) and ironically he didn't want an emotional relationship. Ha.

 

I think although we loved eachother we lost respect for eachother in the last 6 months. We argue a great deal about marriage and it manifested itself in many areas of our relationship. Most (except one) of our break ups were me breaking up with him. During this last break up he had a few special things that happened to him and i was not there for him as he expected (but from my point of view we were broken up - his fault)

 

Although i do not agree with the way he handled things as it was cruel and mean, he was also trying to be strong, as he made up his mind and protect himself by pushing me away.... I pushed too hard and he pulled back just hard - in hindsight not too smart of me. I know he wants to see if he is compatible with someone else and i think he contacted me because he was 1. rejected 2. feeling lonely and the most important 3. maybe doubted if there is someone better out there. That is what i wanted to know but i don't think i will now.

 

In the final analysis, whether we fought too much, or he believes someone else would be more compatible etc., he did not love me enough to work it out and this is what i remind myself of everyday. Still, I hope that time and comparing me to others will make him come to another realization of me and his contribution to the state of our relationship. In the meantime I will also use his logic that this hurt i am feeling is less about him and more about me...and use this time to get my life in order.

[jefferino]

Its hard to give a female advice as I am a guy...No contact (in my experience) does one of two things....If the situation is fairly fresh...He could being seeing the error in his ways, or missing you, and trying to 'bait' you into further contact, and eventually a physical or emotional relationship again.... In my recent relationship no contact, over the holidays spawned a 'I miss you fling' that lasted a few weeks, and ended shortly there after, no contact following that short rekindling just solidified her moving on with her life...so much so that when I initiated contact 4 weeks later, she was very cold, and 'business' like about it...completely different attitude than the girl I used to love...so its a two way street....Take it from me, when a relationship desolves is SOO difficult to rekindle much less get things to the same happiness once experienced. So my advice, as cliche as it is...take a break...heal your wounds, learn as much as you can while single, and move on...

[sharon1970]

Thanks. Interesting your ex GF sounds like my reaction to my ex's contact with me. I acted business like because i decided that after how he treated me, a simple how are you was not enough for me to reveal my true feelings. However, i miss him terribly and would still want to try and reconcile. Most of the issues in the relationship was a result of him not understanding/empathizing with how i feel and not giving enough of himself emotionally (although we never had a good conversation about it). Him wanting an emotional response or just MORE from my response to him, again puts me in the position of having to restore/give and ultimately give more emotionally than he is willing to give me.

 

But having said that, i do miss him and want him back. But if he really wanted me back than he would realize that he needs to try harder and if he knew me, he would know that i would not have turned him away. Insecurities in the relationship also lead to break ups and if him proceeding with caution (in his email) on account of his pride/insecurities than again it won't work out in the long run.

 

I don't know the situation/circumstances surrounding your break up but perhpas your ex felt like i do. Overall, i still believe that true love will win out and if it is true than short of physcial abuse or cheating than it can work out, but both parties need to want to invest in it. Sometimes its just easier to give up and try again with someone else...i think this is a modern age mentality of immediate gratification and easy come easy go. I have a feeling that he will encounter the same issues in his next relationship but he will be much older and more desperate to make the relationship work and i see that as a big shame because it will be with someone else.

[jefferino]

Ive been where you're at, and I definitely agree, I was with my EX for 3 1/2 years, we went through a lot of crap, if that wasn't worth it enough for her to stick around, then surely it wasnt meant to be....there are a lot of things that factor in to an ex lover moving on quickly and painlessly...In my case I think she has surrounded her self by her family, and other males, so it becomes that much easier.

 

Relationships are such an investment in time, and energy, my advice unless this guy is worth it 110% forget it, and enjoy life! Remember you shouldn't need someone to be happy!