Would Anyone feel the same way about this???

[Alibi]

Ok, here is the story. My SO and I of 3 yrs have had our times of rough areas (cheating) that has caused some serious insecurities with myself and trust issues with him; But they are getting better and improving.

 

Now, this morning he and I were sitting in the living room relaxing. I was writing a todo list and I had just got done making breakfast and such. We had been lovey dovey pretty much the whole morning. This is what I would call a good day so far. We were watching the Maury Povitch (spelling) show and it was about men getting caught cheating on their fiances on their bachelor parties. It showed segments of the strippers and what the men did that crossed the line through private video. Now, no big deal I was watching it more or less cause there was nothing on. I wasnt even feeling insecure at the time either. I was perfectly content with him watching it with me.

Now Im sitting there and I notice that he is starting to adjust himself. And within moments I see my SO aroused. I couldnt help but feel offened! I know guys are visually stimulated but the Maury show!!! Give me a break! I couldnt help my first response and unfortunately it hurt my feelings. We got into this arguement about how if everytime he is aroused by insignificant tail then I would second guess being with him. Especially since I try everything to get him stimulated for me, and I def am very pretty (as Im told)

Now can someone please help me understand why maybe this upset me and would it anyone else? If your going to tell me to get over my issues then spare me. Im working on that......

 

Thanks!!

Edited February 8, 2008 by Alibi
forgot something

[norajane]

So, basically, the Maury show was showing strippers doing their thing with drunk bachelor party guys...sounds a lot like porn, so it's not shocking that your guy would react by getting aroused.

 

How old is he? Some guys haven't gained much control over their erections...

 

I'm sure it brought up your unresolved feelings and hurt about his cheating on you, so that's perfectly understandable too. The thing to keep in mind is he didn't seek it out - you were watching it - he just reacted. It's hard to tell a guy not to react to seeing a naked woman grinding on a guy.

 

But remind him that getting over cheating is not a short process - things can come up to remind you of your pain long after the cheating is over. If he wants to be with you, then he has to accept that as a consequence of his cheating.

[curiousnycgirl]

It would definitely upset me only because you are having issues in the bedroom. MY b/f's libido dropped dramatically after our first few months, and it crushed me. So I know where you are coming from.

 

I finally told him it was either he sees a therapist about it, or I had ot move on. While we still have issues - I can tell you that having porn on during foreplay has helped tremendously. There are moments where I get insecure about the porn, but overall it's helped our relationship - so I need to bite the bullet.

 

Have you thought of offering that into your bedroom? Clearly he does get visually stimulated - so use that to your advantage!

[Florida]

Once I was watching TV with my BF, being spooned by him, and a pretty girl appeared on TV and smiled. He got an erection! I turned around and thought "what the?" he said it was from me against him. Uhh, okay.

 

Another time we were watching a PG-13 make out scene, the girl was in her bra, nothing too stunning, and my hand was near his member. It uhm "responded" to that too.

 

I can relate to what you are saying because I thought if such simple things did it for him , I wondered if it happened when he just saw a pretty girl too, or just passing by a woman in a tight shirt would do that. And if they would notice.

 

But NJ is right, sounds like it brought up old associations. Just wanted to let you know that I guess that is normal.

[Alibi]

Wow, thank you. Actually that was really helpful and put my mind at ease about it. You made alot of sense but sometimes its hard to come to that sense when you take something personal. My SO is 34 going on 15 and Im not even kidding. I feel like I am his mother sometimes and I dont want to be.

I do remind him that it is a slow process but he jsut tells me that I like to dig into the history books and I dont want to get over his past infidelity, not to mention it was with younger women then I. (College girls under 21) Do you have any ideas on how I can get over these insecurities quicker.

[norajane]

Wow, thank you. Actually that was really helpful and put my mind at ease about it. You made alot of sense but sometimes its hard to come to that sense when you take something personal. My SO is 34 going on 15 and Im not even kidding. I feel like I am his mother sometimes and I dont want to be.

I do remind him that it is a slow process but he jsut tells me that I like to dig into the history books and I dont want to get over his past infidelity, not to mention it was with younger women then I. (College girls under 21) Do you have any ideas on how I can get over these insecurities quicker.

 

That's pretty insensitive of him, and frankly, would piss me off. He stuck his dick in another woman and is accusing you of not wanting to get over it?? He has no idea how much you'd like to forget it, or better yet, that he had never done it!

 

I can see how his attitude is not helping you get over any insecurities that linger after his cheating. It's his attitude and his behavior that should reassure you and help you - he should be showing remorse and understanding of your feelings.

 

I have no advice on how to get over this quicker, except to find anther guy.

[Alibi]

It would definitely upset me only because you are having issues in the bedroom. MY b/f's libido dropped dramatically after our first few months, and it crushed me. So I know where you are coming from.

 

I finally told him it was either he sees a therapist about it, or I had ot move on. While we still have issues - I can tell you that having porn on during foreplay has helped tremendously. There are moments where I get insecure about the porn, but overall it's helped our relationship - so I need to bite the bullet.

 

Have you thought of offering that into your bedroom? Clearly he does get visually stimulated - so use that to your advantage!

 

I have tried to use porn in the bedroom to share something with him but get this. The first time I did that we were watching this older early 90's porn and this scene came on and before any action was started he blurts out loud "HEY THATS CLOE!!!!" Stunned I say what???? He then tells me all about the girl in the scene has won the adult entertainment award for taking it up the poopshoot the most and how she got an award for the best gang bang of the year. I was so disgusted that he had to share that with me and every other emotion thinkable. So I put that aside and tried porn another night and he wouldnt even pay attention to me. He was all about using me and watching the tv. He completely finished before even trying to satisfy me. Now I know he is used to being selfish and this showed that side of him. I havent encorparated it in our life since.

[Florida]

Wow, thank you. Actually that was really helpful and put my mind at ease about it. You made alot of sense but sometimes its hard to come to that sense when you take something personal. My SO is 34 going on 15 and Im not even kidding. I feel like I am his mother sometimes and I dont want to be.

I do remind him that it is a slow process but he jsut tells me that I like to dig into the history books and I dont want to get over his past infidelity, not to mention it was with younger women then I. (College girls under 21) Do you have any ideas on how I can get over these insecurities quicker.

 

They are not insecurities that you need to get over quicker, like a bad cold.

They were put there by him when he broke your heart in a million pieces and there is no formula for healing faster.

 

I don't believe in giving cheaters second chances, because I think people underestimate the long road of extended pain before them, when they could just be healing faster if they dumped the person responsible.

 

With that said, I don't think, from what you described here, that he is capable of helping you because you get the feeling you are being used in the bedroom and he is rushing you to "get over it", as if it is all on you.

[Alibi]

That's pretty insensitive of him, and frankly, would piss me off. He stuck his dick in another woman and is accusing you of not wanting to get over it?? He has no idea how much you'd like to forget it, or better yet, that he had never done it!

 

I can see how his attitude is not helping you get over any insecurities that linger after his cheating. It's his attitude and his behavior that should reassure you and help you - he should be showing remorse and understanding of your feelings.

 

I have no advice on how to get over this quicker, except to find anther guy.

 

I did move on when I found all this out but he did convince me to give him another chance. Boy have I learned alot about second chances. I have learned more about him in this time period that I had know idea about to begin with. We have been and still are seeing a specialist about this and it has helped. He definetely needs to grow up and take responsablilities for his own actions. I just hate playing the mother role when I dont even have kids of my own yet. We are suposed to get married in May. I am the last one to make excuses for poor behavior but I can honelsty say that he has made some changes that were extreme, but now Im at the point of trying to figure out if he is just stupid with his comments and some of his actions that show lack of consideration or if its just behavior that takes time to change. Hope this makes sense.

[norajane]

I did move on when I found all this out but he did convince me to give him another chance. Boy have I learned alot about second chances. I have learned more about him in this time period that I had know idea about to begin with. We have been and still are seeing a specialist about this and it has helped. He definetely needs to grow up and take responsablilities for his own actions. I just hate playing the mother role when I dont even have kids of my own yet. We are suposed to get married in May. I am the last one to make excuses for poor behavior but I can honelsty say that he has made some changes that were extreme, but now Im at the point of trying to figure out if he is just stupid with his comments and some of his actions that show lack of consideration or if its just behavior that takes time to change. Hope this makes sense.

 

Oh, no, no, no - do not marry this man until ALL of your issues have been resolved!!

 

He is selfish and inconsiderate, you are having problems having sex - the sex is NOT going to get better after marriage all on its own! Also, he doesn't get it how much effort HE needs to make to help you get over HIS cheating. And he's not showing you that he is responsible enough to trust or to OWN HIS SH*T.

 

Please, please, call off the wedding. Don't marry a guy who still needs to grow up! Marriage is a lifetime commitment, a lifetime together through all kinds of struggles, and he can't even stick to helping you through the aftermath of his cheating without getting impatient and throwing it back in your face!

[blackbird]

I have to feel a little sorry for guys. Not only are they easily visually stimulated, but it's also often easy to tell when they are. When I'm turned on by something other than my SO, there's no easy physical way for him to tell, so there's no risk of his getting upset at me for an unintended physical reaction.

[Alibi]

I have to feel a little sorry for guys. Not only are they easily visually stimulated, but it's also often easy to tell when they are. When I'm turned on by something other than my SO, there's no easy physical way for him to tell, so there's no risk of his getting upset at me for an unintended physical reaction.

 

I understand your point, though I quickly remember that guys are capable of getting stimulated and following through with their stimuli without any guilt.

[Alibi]

Oh, no, no, no - do not marry this man until ALL of your issues have been resolved!!

 

He is selfish and inconsiderate, you are having problems having sex - the sex is NOT going to get better after marriage all on its own! Also, he doesn't get it how much effort HE needs to make to help you get over HIS cheating. And he's not showing you that he is responsible enough to trust or to OWN HIS SH*T.

 

Please, please, call off the wedding. Don't marry a guy who still needs to grow up! Marriage is a lifetime commitment, a lifetime together through all kinds of struggles, and he can't even stick to helping you through the aftermath of his cheating without getting impatient and throwing it back in your face!

 

I do know that marriage will not fix my insecurities and I know that Im capable of making a marriage work. What Im hoping for is that my effort in being patient with him and his mistakes will help him mature to the man he needs to be not just necessarily for me but to be a mature and responsible adult and potential family man. This entire recovery has been in the works for over a year now and we do have our days. (just like the one above) But I do know what he is capable of and I do know he does love me. I also know that he has never been with a women like me before that is going to stand up for herself and demand respect. I will say he is inconsiderate not intentionally but more or less cause he doesnt know any better and I end up being the one to suffer. He knows that I have no problem calling off wedding and he knows that I will leave if I feel we have an irresolvable issue. So far things have been able to be resolved. As far as the issues in bed, I truly feel he is super lazy. I dont think anyone he was with ever taught him how to be a good lover and I think that everyone he has ever been with has lied to him about his performance. I guess now Im left to fix everything. I always say my insecurities + his temper = Disaster. It does get stressful and I have been through hell, but I'm a trooper and will exhaust everything possible before I give up on "us". I know he see's that and commends my strength. We will continue to work on the reasoning for my insecurities until he can own up to the pain he has caused me. Hopefully he'll get it sooner then later.

Edited February 9, 2008 by Alibi
errors

[curiousnycgirl]

Please, please, please be careful and think long and hard before you marry this guy. May is just around the corner - why not postpone? The reality is that some people (both men and women) never grow up and remain like self centered children their whole lives.

 

I dated a man 19 years older and I was the mature one in the relationship! I was 31 and he was 50 - it was abusrd and exhausting. But I knew I could never marry him!

 

Don't marry assuming he will change, be ready to spend the rest of your life with the man you marry.

[amaysngrace]

Don't marry assuming he will change, be ready to spend the rest of your life with the man you marry.

 

There is so much truth in the above statement. Please read it again.

[Alibi]

I will take what everyone has said whole heartedly. I myself have been wanting to pospone the wedding and that is no secret to him or my friends. Im sure the after math of that will be the next thing I will end up writing about. Again, thank you for the input.