Wife still sleeps with 11yo son

[Archer36]

Wow, where to begin. So many sad stories here and now mine will be one of them.

The title pretty much says it all. My wife and I have never had a "marriage bed" in 18 years of marriage.

 

We are both 36, high school sweethearts. I've only dated 1 other girl briefly. Both attractive (wife is especially beautiful).

 

1989 Married at 19 with a baby 7 months later. The baby promptly went in between us in the bed. Pretty happy times though. I went to college, she stayed home.

 

FF to 1997, I'm working at a decent job as a surveyor, wife is still raising our daughter and my son is born this year. Daughter is moved to her own room and son now is between us.

 

I keep waiting, and waiting and waiting.

 

11 years later- My son moved to his own room just last year...and my wife went with him. She has worked so hard to make our kids completely dependent on her that my son actually want her to sleep with him every night.

 

I sleep alone (Sleeping single in double bed, just like the song )

 

Our sex life has went from WOW! when we were dating to once a month if I'm lucky.

 

We have no alone time, communication time, date time. For my birthday last year all I asked for was one date alone with my wife. We went out to eat together and she promised we would start doing that once a month. -We didn't.

 

I'm sick of complaining to her about it. She says she loves me but can't separate herself from the kids.

 

Her father was bipolar, spent time in institutions, her parents divorced, and recently her dad remarried a woman younger than my wife, died 3 months later and left everything he had to the new wife, specifically writing my wife and her brother out of the will.

 

To make matters worse she says she now has vulvadynia (pain of the vulva) and suffers pain all the time. Somehow she still manages to wear thong panties, and walk miles at a time (for her health she says). I believe she does hurt sometimes, but I also think she uses it as an excuse to avoid intimacy.

 

The shape of our marriage is partly my fault for trying to be "too" supportive, and not being stern enough about my feelings.

 

I'm about at the end of my rope. I've been through 3 very tough years trying to work through all this. One week I love her so much it hurts, and the next I'm so hurt I just want her to leave.

 

She told me a month ago that she was never going to be able to make me happy. I told her I wanted a wife not a roommate. She says she is not good enough for me, that she is worthless and everyone would be better off if she had never been born. She says she is going to get a full time job so she could afford to move out. Then she changed her mind and begged me to give her another chance (one of many).

 

She still has not tried to move out of our sons bed and treats him like a deity.

 

She is a good wife. She's always worked hard, kept a great house, loved the kids, but she's always been the type of parent who thinks her job is to make the kids as happy as possible when sometimes they need "tough" love to grow into the adults they need to be.

 

In all fairness, I've been a good husband as well. She gets comments all the time on what a good husband she has.

 

I've never cheated on her, she's never cheated on me (that I know of since being married, but she did when we were dating), but she seems to desire "attention" all the time from everyone. For instance when she walks, she could walk at the track, but prefers to walk up and down the sidewalk where everyone can see her (she says its because of the differing terrain).

 

 

I feel like I've spent the last few years being unhappy and unloved. I want things to CHANGE! I'm a schoolteacher now, and we barely make it on my salary and hers combined. If I could afford it I think I would have already left.

 

I know she has been through a lot with her parents, and there is something that has happened to her in the past that she says she can't tell me about (abuse of some kind?), but how long can a person go on feeling unloved, and neglected as a man? How can I make her understand how wrong our situation is?

[norajane]

I'm sorry, I don't have any good advice for you, or even any advice, except to start therapy with your wife, and individual counseling for her...and maybe some for your son...

 

There is something wrong about her sleeping with your 11 year old son every night. That boy is going to have a very WARPED sense of boundaries and the role of mother and wife. If your wife also treats him like a deity, well, just imagine the hell his future wife is in for.

[whichwayisup]

An 11 year old boy should NOT be sharing his bed with his mom. That is just wrong and she is having trouble letting go.

 

You and your wife need to reconnect again! Go on romantic weekend getaway, if possible and let the grandparents look after your son. Start bringing her flowers, make her feel special, hopefully by doing that it will make her feel good and she'll do nice things for you as well - in the bedroom....

 

Marriage counselling is an option as well, learn how to communicate and listen to eachother, as well as she can deal with her past issues that maybe are affecting her now.

 

Don't give up!

[Lizzie60]

WOW.. you need to have a serious talk with your wife.. and this time, make sure, she delivers the promises.

 

Put it in writing if you have to... a date once a month... etc

 

From your post, I get that she's the one who runs the household.. you just let her do what she wants... you do not take your role as a father and a husband.. you need to be more assertive.. they ARE your children too you know...

 

If there is no way you can come to some type of agreement, I say, live with her as a roomate and get a mistress or leave her..

[Archer36]

Thanks for the replies all. I have let her run too much of the household.

 

I spoken with her about it many times and she says its the only way she feels like she is worth anything (by constantly cleaning and working in the house, vacuuming what doesn't need to be vacuumedn and dusting what doesn't need to be dusted).

 

She never sits down or rests. She is outside washing the car right now and its 50 degrees.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm always there for my kids and very active in their lives, but she always relies on me to be the "heavy" while she does everything she can to be their "buddy". She even calls my son "love" and my daughter "sis".

 

I've had a long talk with her and she says that she just can't be the person I need her to be and that she is sorry for neglecting me. She says she doesn't know who she is anymore and that she only feels like "mom".

 

I'm making an appointment with a therapist...

[Lizzie60]

and while you're at it.. make one with your lawyer..

[Chrome Barracuda]

and while you're at it.. make one with your lawyer..

 

 

ROFLMAO!!!

 

I second that! clearly she has lost her marbles!

[Archer36]

Thanks for the chuckle Lizzie

 

I probably do need talk to a Lawyer as I cannot see any way past these issues, and the resentment I've built these past years is like a giant concrete mountain. I don't know if I could ever get past it.

 

My biggest problem is that my kids alway want to be with my wife (because she gives them their way about everything). Its always been sort of a competition for the kids affections with her. Its a game I don't care to play. I'm so worried that if I just up and leave (even though our home is on land owned by my father) that they would hate me.

 

I've really busted my hump these 18 years going from a young father, putting my way through college, getting a decent job, working at everything from computer topography to underground surveying in a coal mine, taking classes, bettering myself... until now I'm a pretty well respected teacher in the county.

 

All that time my wife was at home raising my kids to be spoiled (in her defense, she was young too and came from a broken home). When I was working 50-60 hours a week, sometimes on night shift, I barely saw my kids. Now that I'm a teacher I see them all the time.

I love them both to death but the truth is the truth, they are spoiled. They are not bad kids, but I don't see how they will ever be able to make it in the world on their own. My daughter is 17 and has no idea how to wash a load of clothes. Neither of them even make their own beds.

 

If I leave I don't know how they will be raised. I know my wife will love them, and people say love is enough, but those people are wrong!

 

I just hope that a my wife might listen to a therapist, even though I suspect that a therapist, or counselor, will tell her the same things I've been telling her:

 

Spend some time alone with your husband

 

Be your kids mother, not their sister

 

Let your Son sleep alone!

 

I have a feeling she will agree totally with the therapist, then promptly come home and change nothing about her behavior. If that is the case I can't see that I have any other choice than to leave.

 

I'm tired of sleeping alone night after night!

[Lizzie60]

You're welcome Archer..

 

I truly don't think that seeing a therapist will help, if she already has given up on your M, I don't see how he can help.. mind you, he can help YOU go through all this.

 

Good luck!

[Ariadne]

Archer,

 

Your marriage has been like this for ages.

 

What makes you think that it can change?

 

Might as well get used to it by now.

 

Ariadne

[norajane]

I spoken with her about it many times and she says its the only way she feels like she is worth anything (by constantly cleaning and working in the house, vacuuming what doesn't need to be vacuumedn and dusting what doesn't need to be dusted).

 

She says she doesn't know who she is anymore and that she only feels like "mom".

 

I'm making an appointment with a therapist...

 

Maybe she needs to get a JOB outside the home. Part-time, if she can't handle full time. It might show her that she's more than mom - she's a person all on her own.

 

And it might force your kids to grow up and learn to run the washing machine...

[Lyssa]

there is something that has happened to her in the past that she says she can't tell me about (abuse of some kind?)

 

The more reason why she should seek therapy. Maybe it will help to talk to a therapist about the things she felt she couldn't tell you.

[Archer36]

I just wanted to say I appreciated the replies all.

 

Things are just up and down. We are good for a week then back to not speaking.

 

My wife is not getting our son to sleep, then coming to lay with me in "our" (my) bed. Thing is, she doesn't speak, or even lay close to me.

 

Everytime I talk about leaving she cries and says she'll do better. She said that very thing last weekend. Now a week later we are barely speaking.

 

This week she hasn't:

Kissed me

Hugged me

Asked me how I am

Asked me how my day was

 

What drives me crazy is when I ask her what the problem is, she always say "Oh nothing at all! I'm not mad about anything"

 

In her mind there IS no problem.

 

I wrote her a simple poem to tell her how I feel for Valentines day. She wrote me a very nice letter about how we had too much going for us to throw it all away.

 

Now I'm back to feeling completely unappreciated and unloved by a woman who cannot seem to express herself at all.

 

Here is what I wrote her...my wife doesn't seem to appreciate it, maybe someone here will read it and feel better knowing that they are not going through tough times alone.

 

This year will be the first, when you’re my Valentine no more

Our joy has turned to heartache since love walked out our door

I think of happy times, they way they were before,

But no happiness can be found,

Since love walked out our door.

I think of summer at the beach

When I felt your heart within my reach

So nice to see you smile

If only for a little while

So nice to spend the night holding you

If only for a day or two

How soon it all faded away

So sad we couldn’t stay

I think about our precious girl

The day she came into this world

I think about our little boy

The Lord has blessed us with such Joy

Now here I sit after 18 years

This paper covered with my thoughts and tears

I keep waiting for my wife to show

Oh Lord, Please tell me where did she go?

When I look at her I only see

A beautiful stranger looking back at me

She looks like someone I used to know

Where is that girl that used to love me so?

When she looks at me, does she feel the same?

Maybe I’ve changed, Maybe I’m the one to blame

Why do I feel so alone?

What happened to our happy home?

The years have gone by with no one to hold

No warmth in the dark when the night was cold

I’ve been patient; I’ve waited as long as I can

I wonder, why don’t you want your man?

I know I couldn’t give you all the things that I should

But I worked hard, I did the best I could

I know you did your best too

Growing up wasn’t easy for you

That little girl you never go to be

She so loved her new family

But we lost our path along the way

The old us disappeared

And only Mom and Dad got to stay

Those two kids we used to be

Who loved each other so

They just faded away

While we watched our kids grow

These days it seems we can’t stay together

I used to think there was nothing we couldn’t weather

But I don’t think that anymore

Since love walked out our door

I guess the only thing left for us to do

Is go our separate ways

And tear our world in two

No life together for me and you

We’ve tried so hard

We’ve cried and we’ve bled

Too much time passed

Too many things said

I pray to God to please make things clearer

He tells me we should look in the mirror

We’ll find the answer we’re searching for

Why love walked out our door.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Archer36

[Chrome Barracuda]

God I hope everything works out for you, she sounds like she's emotionally crippling your kids. what's next she's gonna take baths with them until he's 13?

 

Come on the babying gotta end sometime.

 

She might have mike jackson syndrome.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife needs counselling. Something is very "off" inside of her and it has nothing to do with you.

 

This issue goes beyond her smothering your son. HE will have weird issues as well! I have to ask, but does he want her in bed with him as well or is this her thing.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

An 11 yo should not be sharing a bed with anything but a pillow and a blanket.

 

It's wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Have her go to therapy - she has dependency, insecurity and identity issues.

[Archer36]

Your wife needs counselling. Something is very "off" inside of her and it has nothing to do with you.

 

This issue goes beyond her smothering your son. HE will have weird issues as well! I have to ask, but does he want her in bed with him as well or is this her thing.

 

Yes, unfortunately he is so ingrained with his mom sleeping with him that he asks her to sleep with him every night.

 

She has really "pushed" by saying things like "do you want mommy to lay with you until you go to sleep"?

 

She doesn't every try to distance herself or enourage him to sleep alone (she did ONCE but it was because of my complaining, and now everytime I bring it up she says "But I did try to get him to sleep alone!")

 

He knows its not normal because he says "please don't ever tell my friends".

[Ms. Red]

Archer, I did the same thing with my son. I had quit sleeping with my H for the fact that he moved waay to much at night, pulled the covers off of me all the time & one night he even accidentally punched me in the face when he was rolling over & flopping his arm down. Our son doesn't even remember us ever sleeping together.

 

I could never get my H to spend family time with us. It was always my son & me going places & doing things together at home while my H was on his puter. We couldn't even get him to watch movies with us at home. So, my son would be in my bed watching a movie or me reading to him & he'd fall asleep & it just became a habit & he slept with me every night until.....

 

Child Protective Services knocked on my door one day for a surprise visit. I talked her into coming back the following week so I could tidy up a bit. I asked her what was the complaint? She said, "there's been an allegation of sexual abuse." I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I had to wait till the next week to find out it was relating to my son & me sleeping together. He was 10 almost 11 at the time.

 

Whomever called informed them of our sleeping together & as she put it, they said, "something else could be going on". I was cleared but not before the woman expressed that a boy at that age is on the verge of puberty & to sleep with his mother could really mess him up. I had all ready known it needed to stop but that visit pushed me directly into it.

 

My son is 12 now & he's still unable to sleep in his room. He sleeps in the living room & I'm working on getting him into his room still.

 

I know you have a lot more & not just that issue with your wife & son, but I thought I'd let you know what I'm going through now since my son doesn't even remember sleeping in his room on his own.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I heard about this when the mother transfers the emotional stability that she's supposed to get from her husband she puts it on the child.

 

There was a term for this but I forgot what it is.

 

IT is very damaging for any child to share a bed with their parent after a certain age.

 

I mean I would be absloutely horrified if y mother tried to sleep in my bed and I was 13?!!?!? WTF?

 

This woman has issues, it's like mentally she's a child herself, Calling her daughter sis? WTF?

 

RED FLAG!!!!!

[onmyownagain]

Because I haven't moved into my new flat yet, when my daughter stays (11 years old), I share a bed with her.

 

Didn't realise it was wrong!! Am I breaking the law (UK)?

[whichwayisup]

Yes, unfortunately he is so ingrained with his mom sleeping with him that he asks her to sleep with him every night.

 

She has really "pushed" by saying things like "do you want mommy to lay with you until you go to sleep"?

 

She doesn't every try to distance herself or enourage him to sleep alone (she did ONCE but it was because of my complaining, and now everytime I bring it up she says "But I did try to get him to sleep alone!")

 

He knows its not normal because he says "please don't ever tell my friends".

Then you need to talk to your son about this and explain to him that it's time he tried to sleep on his own, that as much as he enjoys having mommy sleep in his bed, tuck him in, it's not right...Honestly, your son knows this, hense his comment about don't ever tell his friends, but he's so used to having her there as his security blanket. This is a serious issue and something you and your wife need to talk about and put an end to. It IS going to mess him up and give him all sorts of insecurities, let alone the damage its' doing to your wife. Something is "off" with her and she's having a control, letting go problem with him.

 

Talk to your family doctor about this, maybe he/she can help suggest afew things to try.

 

Have you asked your son WHY he needs his mom with him at night?

[Ms. Red]

Because I haven't moved into my new flat yet, when my daughter stays (11 years old), I share a bed with her.

 

Didn't realise it was wrong!! Am I breaking the law (UK)?

 

For me, I'm in the states, it's not illegal. It's just wrong emotionally for the child. But it went on so long with my son that he didn't remember ever sleeping alone in his own room.

 

Recently, I had a question about the legality of leaving my son home alone. Just for a short time while I run to the P.O. etc. My in-laws told me it was illegal. So, I found the phone # for the District Office of Child Protective Services & called & asked them.

 

Try that in your area. They didn't ask for any personal information from me.

[sb129]

Because I haven't moved into my new flat yet, when my daughter stays (11 years old), I share a bed with her.

 

Didn't realise it was wrong!! Am I breaking the law (UK)?

 

No, but to be safe, I would buy myself a self inflating airbed from Argos for £20. You never know what people could conclude from an 11yo girl sleeping in the same bed as her Dad. Please don't think that I think that about you, but I would exercise caution.

 

Honestly, your son knows this, hense his comment about don't ever tell his friends, but he's so used to having her there as his security blanket.

Have you asked your son WHY he needs his mom with him at night?

 

maybe he is too scared of offending or upsetting his mom to say no?

 

Archer- that poem was heartbreaking. If someone wrote that to me I would be devastated, but I would know that I would have to take action- to either change, or to set my partner free...

[Archer36]

Archer, I did the same thing with my son. I had quit sleeping with my H for the fact that he moved waay to much at night, pulled the covers off of me all the time & one night he even accidentally punched me in the face when he was rolling over & flopping his arm down. Our son doesn't even remember us ever sleeping together.

 

I could never get my H to spend family time with us. It was always my son & me going places & doing things together at home while my H was on his puter. We couldn't even get him to watch movies with us at home. So, my son would be in my bed watching a movie or me reading to him & he'd fall asleep & it just became a habit & he slept with me every night until.....

 

Child Protective Services knocked on my door one day for a surprise visit. I talked her into coming back the following week so I could tidy up a bit. I asked her what was the complaint? She said, "there's been an allegation of sexual abuse." I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I had to wait till the next week to find out it was relating to my son & me sleeping together. He was 10 almost 11 at the time.

 

Whomever called informed them of our sleeping together & as she put it, they said, "something else could be going on". I was cleared but not before the woman expressed that a boy at that age is on the verge of puberty & to sleep with his mother could really mess him up. I had all ready known it needed to stop but that visit pushed me directly into it.

 

My son is 12 now & he's still unable to sleep in his room. He sleeps in the living room & I'm working on getting him into his room still.

 

I know you have a lot more & not just that issue with your wife & son, but I thought I'd let you know what I'm going through now since my son doesn't even remember sleeping in his room on his own.

 

My son has problems sleeping alone too. When my wife gets up in the AM (around 5) to start getting ready for work (she has a part time job), he sometimes will come and want to lay with me while I watch the morning news.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I actually enjoy having him come and talk with me a little (it makes me feel at least a little loved).

 

Its tough to speak with him about his mom sleeping with him because his mom makes me out to be the "bad" guy when I talk to him about it. He is a tender little guy, no doubt brought on by being tied to his moms "apron strings" his entire life.

 

I am worried about his development. I would hate to call social services, not because of my wife, but because of my son and daughter. My daughter is 17 and pretty aware of what is going on.

 

Thanks for your reply Ms.Red

[Archer36]

I heard about this when the mother transfers the emotional stability that she's supposed to get from her husband she puts it on the child.

 

There was a term for this but I forgot what it is.

 

IT is very damaging for any child to share a bed with their parent after a certain age.

 

I mean I would be absloutely horrified if y mother tried to sleep in my bed and I was 13?!!?!? WTF?

 

This woman has issues, it's like mentally she's a child herself, Calling her daughter sis? WTF?

 

RED FLAG!!!!!

 

I really think there is a midlife crisis going on with my wife. I agree that mentally she has never grown into an adult. She is very much a child when it comes to emotional development.

 

She seems to "fixate" on someone and try to be like them. She has told many times that she doesn't know who she is.

 

When I came home today, after barely speaking to my wife for the last 2 days, I found a note telling me that her and the kids had went out to eat with one of her friends. This friend has 2 kids by 2 different men, been divorced 3 times and currently has a man living with her and her kids. My wife just got her hair cut like this woman, and seems to be dressing like her.

 

She used to have decent friends but this woman is so screwed up I think my wife feels "superior" when she is with her, and somehow gets a self-confidence boost when she is with her.

 

Since she was gone I spent the evening driving around looking for apartments/homes for rent. I swear if I can find something I can afford I am moving out. I love my kids more than anything but I cannot stand to spend any more time with this woman!

 

I feel like I'm abandoning my kids to someone that just can't raise them the way they need to be raised though. RANT--- I am so sick of worrying about this stuff all the time!!---end RANT sorry!