Wife still sleeps with 11yo son

[Chrome Barracuda]

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Your wife sounds like a nutjob on the reals! Do you have custody of your son, because in court this will not look good. And why doesnt your daughter accept that your dating when her mom is. Does she disapprove of the seperation? I mean does she want you guys back together?

 

Why didnt your STBX get help for her issues? is she still trying to sleep in your sons' bed?

 

I dont fault you for leaving if you was a woman who's husband slept with their daughter's bed I would want you to do the same thing and leave.

 

The whole situation sounded like a nightmare.

[Archer36]

We have joint shared custody of my son, but when he is at his mothers, they still sleep in the same bed (they only have 2 bedrooms and 2 beds, on for my daughter and one for them) but I feel they could squeeze two twin beds into one of the rooms if they wanted to.

 

Its still an issue with him that continues to cause him sleep trouble when he stays with me.

 

The STBX still doesn't think there is anything wrong with the situation and sadly, her friends and family back her up on the issue rather than telling her what she needs to hear.

 

My daughter is having issues with the fact that my girlfriend and I are now engaged. We are both pretty conservative when it comes to "rushing" into anything, and would probably tell our friends that getting engaged so quickly was nuts, but we have gotten so very close so fast.

 

My fiancee stayed overnight with me during her vacation while the kids were here, and I think it may have been a lot for my daughter to take. My STBX had been seeing a man and I thought that my daughter would be more "OK" with me having my fiancee stay over. I did talk to her about it, but she may have only told me what I wanted to hear.

 

Now my daughter is upset that I bought my fiancee a ring when my daughter is getting ready to go to college and needs a car (she doesn't have a job, though I have encouraged her many times, and even set jobs up for her that she wouldn't take). My daughter is a sweetheart of a girl, never in any trouble, great in school, polite etc... but she has been so sheltered that she has no self-confidence.

 

Thing is, my fiancee earns more than I do, and with the two of us, I will be MORE able to help my daughter with college. My daughter just doesn't see it that way yet though. I'm hoping that given a few weeks she will realize that I have spent my whole adult life (since I was 19) taking care of her, and she might try to think about my happiness, and see me as a human being, and not just "Dad".

[Ladyjane14]

My daughter is having issues with the fact that my girlfriend and I are now engaged. We are both pretty conservative when it comes to "rushing" into anything, and would probably tell our friends that getting engaged so quickly was nuts, but we have gotten so very close so fast.

 

Your daughter is probably right. Look at it from another angle... would you want her to marry some guy she met on match.com and had only known for a couple of months?

 

Fact is, the Infatuation Stage of a new relationship is about 2 years long for most people. And during that time, their reaction to their new love interest is both emotional... and physical. IOW, you are currently under-the-influence of alot of "feel-good" chemicals released by your adrenal system in relation to this new woman.

 

Infatuation is kind of like a seed, whereby real love will either grow or whither. But for right now.... it's just too early to know which it will be.

 

According to your posts, you've been in a committed relationship since you were a teenager. Really, you don't know anything else. As it pertains to dating and weighing the potential of new partners, it would seem you're in about the same boat as your daughter.... woefully inexperienced.

 

Where's the fire???

If it's true love, it'll still be there AFTER you've gotten to know this woman a little better. And if it's not, wouldn't it be better to know that BEFORE you recommit yourself to another long-term relationship?

 

My goodness, with only a couple of months under your belt, you two probably haven't even had your first fight.

[Angel1111]

I know a few women who do this kind of thing and I wonder what kind of insanity comes over them. I was reading in a book once about infidelity and one woman who's husband cheated on her said, "I spent the first 25 years of our marriage raising our kids. And then I thought we'd get back to our marriage when they all left home." Again, I can't imagine the incredible ignorance that would make a person think this way. The same for your wife. Just plain dumb, if you ask me.

 

To me, if the kid's foundation - which is the parents - is threatened, then everything else falls apart. The relationship of the parents comes first, and kids sleeping with them is the best way to screw things up quick.

 

I don't know how or why your put up with this crap but, if I were you, I'd personally see to it that it stopped. Start first with her and then your son. They may treat you like the bad guy at first but they'll get over it. And your son will be grateful to you.

[Angel1111]

We have joint shared custody of my son, but when he is at his mothers, they still sleep in the same bed (they only have 2 bedrooms and 2 beds, on for my daughter and one for them) but I feel they could squeeze two twin beds into one of the rooms if they wanted to.

 

Whoops! Sorry I didn't read all the posts and didn't know the two of you were divorced or separated. Anyway, it's probably best that you got out of it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Archer listen. Your moving a bit too fast with the new woman. I understand where you at.

 

But your kids are paramount. your daughter could be feeling left out, that's all. Focus some attention on her you know.

 

I also would be going down to ACS and ask them to perform an investigation about why it's acceptable for a grown woman to share a bed with a 13 yr old boy when he should have his own!

 

That is emotionally crippling him. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, she would have your ass in a sling.

 

Did your stbx freak out about hearing of the new woman and the engagement, how is your son handling all this.

 

I dont know but my spider senses are telling me somethings still going on, with this whole sleeping in the bed sitch.

[imagine]

Did you ever find out whether your ex really was cheating on you. Just curious....

[Billy Bob]

We are both pretty conservative when it comes to "rushing" into anything, and would probably tell our friends that getting engaged so quickly was nuts, but we have gotten so very close so fast.

 

Hey! I was engaged to 2 or 3 gals in the first 2 years after my divorce.. lucky I didn't follow through on any of them.. when I finally stopped looking for a replacement wife/life partner I was able to really figure out the qualities in the person I was looking for.

 

After you have been in a long term relationship (I was married/together from age 21-35) you really are messed up and don't know what you want. There is a long rebound period.

 

There are studies that show 2 years after divorce is a magic number.. I think the divorce rate for second marriages within 2 years of the first divorce are really high, and significantly lower after 2 years... I think that is the rebound effect.

 

Tread carefully.

[Billy Bob]

Did you ever find out whether your ex really was cheating on you. Just curious....

 

She was at least having an emotional affair in my opinion.. if not a physical... Its always the same, the stable spouse can't understand why the other is depressed, doesn't want to sleep together, etc.. Mine said the same things.. They just want to get out of the relationship but don't have the courage to initiate.

 

His wife was dating a guy 2 days after they seperated...

 

Archer, you did a great job dumping the deadwood. She will probably come crawling back at some point though (if she hasn't already).

[imagine]

She was at least having an emotional affair in my opinion.. if not a physical... Its always the same, the stable spouse can't understand why the other is depressed, doesn't want to sleep together, etc.. Mine said the same things.. They just want to get out of the relationship but don't have the courage to initiate.

 

His wife was dating a guy 2 days after they seperated...

 

Archer, you did a great job dumping the deadwood. She will probably come crawling back at some point though (if she hasn't already).

 

Why I ask is that I would like to know if she had disinvested because of an EA/PA or because of her "medical condition" or that she was happy to continue being a "whack job".

 

If it is the latter, I pity her new bf.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why I ask is that I would like to know if she had disinvested because of an EA/PA or because of her "medical condition" or that she was happy to continue being a "whack job".

 

If it is the latter, I pity her new bf.

 

Yeah I pity him too, because he probably doesnt see that archer ex has serious issues!!! Emotionally stagnanty and arrested evelopment.

 

It's sad. But I suggest archer seriously look into that CPS investigation.

 

I know if I was a concerned father I would.

 

And whatever you do Archer dont take her back if she even attempts to sniff in your direction in the form of reconciliation you slam the door in her face! lol.

[Archer36]

Thanks all for the replies and I am completely with you on the whole "going too fast" advice, I would say the exact same thing. We did discuss everthing at length and came to the conclusion that neither of us has ever been able to "do things right" when it comes to commiting to a serious relationship. I have only been separated for a couple of months, but honestly, I've been alone for years and had a lot of time to think about what I want. Our engagement is nothing legal, only a commitment to each other and to show my and her family that we are serious about our relationship.

 

My daughter is doing better with the whole idea, and my son (11) seems fine with everything, saying that he only wants to see me and his mother be happy. He is a happy-go-luckhy kind of kid these days though and actually seems to be happier around me now that his mother and I are separated.

 

The EX still vehemently denies any pre-existing relationship, but I think that something must have been going on, especially since so many people have hinted as such to me, and multiple people have put her in a certain kind of vehicle (not mine) with a certain person in a certain place on different occasions. Its still tough to think I was cheated on, but I think an emotional affair happened at the bare minumum.

 

I just recently found out that she has already been through 2 different guys, the second, she drove 8 hours to spend a 3 day weekend with. That was around three weeks after we separated, and seems a bit fast for someone she had not known before (he was a very well-to-do lawyer) but I understand that she has told the kids that she didn't like him now (I think he may have gotten a good dose of her on that 3 day weekend!)

 

I had hoped she WOULD find someone to occupy her since she seems to be much nicer to me when she is in some sort of dating relationship. Now that she isn't seeing anyone, she has not been very nice when picking up the kids.

 

Don't worry about me taking her back... being with my current girlfiriend has made me realize just what I have been missing all these years. The companionship, hours of conversation, actually feeling like someone has ain interest in me! Its wonderful and I have to say that I never knew that a relationship could be so fulfilling. It makes me sorry for all the years I spent not being happy. Life is tooooo short.

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks all for the replies and I am completely with you on the whole "going too fast" advice, I would say the exact same thing. We did discuss everthing at length and came to the conclusion that neither of us has ever been able to "do things right" when it comes to commiting to a serious relationship. I have only been separated for a couple of months, but honestly, I've been alone for years and had a lot of time to think about what I want. Our engagement is nothing legal, only a commitment to each other and to show my and her family that we are serious about our relationship.

 

You know what? Good for you!

 

Yeah it's fast but when you know, you know. And lots of people meet online and marry and the world hasn't crumbled to the ground yet. That's how lots of younger professionals meet people, online. It seems to be the older set that frown upon it, because they didn't have internet dating because they were so busy treading a mile in the snow to school.

 

You're separated and it's a whole new world out there. You're also an adult and capable of making your own choices. Do the best you can with the information you have.

 

Good luck!

 

GEL

[sharebear823]

My heart goes out to you, and especially your poor children!! You guys ALL need to get Family Counseling, because your wife is mentally ill and you are afraid to stand up to her. Your son is suffering and who knows what is going on with your daughter.

 

Bipolar disorder is definitely a hereditary mental illness. Your wife may have that or something else. Who knows, but if I were you I'd get counseling immediately. If that doesn't help, you need to get FULL CUSTODY of your kids. Your wife should not be allowed to treat your son that way.

 

I also agree with the other poster who said you cannot leave your son to fend for himself by walking out of there and leaving him with her half time. That is not fair. She is ill. She needs professional help, and you owe it to your children to protect them no matter what.

 

I didn't read to the end of the postings because it just broke my heart and I couldn't stand to read about it any more. I sincerely hope things have started to improve and that you have started counseling as a family.

 

***Just read through the rest of the postings, and I see you've separated from your wife and she has her own 2-bedroom apartment now.***

 

So, my question to you is this? Why didn't she get a 3-bedroom apartment? If she can't afford that, you should pay the difference so your son can have his own space. Even if you are right and there is absolutely no sexual abuse going on, it is still just plain wrong for your son to be in the same bedroom as his mother while he goes through puberty and beyond. If anything, your daughter should be the one in the shared bedroom, but your son needs his own space. You really owe it to him to go to bat for him regarding this issue!!

 

I'm happy for you that you've met someone new, and I do understand why you would want that for yourself, but your kids really need you much more than ever now, and I think you are just jumping way too fast into something new. Do you think maybe you need counseling to figure out why you are so intent to jump right from one long-term relationship into another one without even giving yourself time to sort out what you've just gone through? I think you need to slow down and learn how to depend on yourself and be someone whom your children can depend on. Then, once the dust has settled a bit, there's still plenty of time for you to jump head first into another commitment, if that's what you want. You need to think about your kids first, in my opinion!!

[Archer36]

Good advice sharebear. I did think long and hard on getting engaged. We both still joke about how quickly it happened, but I wouldn't change a thing. My kids are doing much better with accepting my fiance. They are beginning to realize just how hard I have tried for them all these years. Here in Virginia we have to wait 12 months before I can get a divorce so its not like we can jump right back into marriage.

 

I have really had to depend on myself for several years now. I just recently found out that the X had been seeing her current boyfriend for about 3-4 years now (and we only separated in May). It started when she was 33 and he was 17 if you can believe that. He just turned 21 and she is 37. She just spent the weekend with him and stayed over at his place while I kept the kids. My 18 yo is really upset about the whole thing as the guy is her friends brother. This was only a few weeks after the X complaing to the kids that my fiancee was much too young for me (she is 11 years younger than I am and he is 16 years younger than she is). All this just reinforces to me that having her gone is a blessing that has allowed me to find someone who appreciates me.

 

My son is still very dependant on his mother and has a hard time staying overnight with me because I make him sleep in his own bed. He still longs for mommy at 11... and it makes mommy feel soooo good. She has really messed him up and I'm about at the end of my rope. I actually bought her a trailer that was on her familys land so she wouldn't have any rent. I had hoped she would get bunk beds or at least a sleeper sofa but she is just as needy as him. I hear that her new boyfriend is a real party animal and I'm about a hair from calling social services and having them look in on the whole mess. There is just no way for me to control what goes on at her home.

 

For those of you out there still going through these problems, I gave my X the benefit of the doubt over and over and now I regret it. If you suspect there is something going on, then there probably is. The problem is everyone is always too scared to tell you the truth. I wish people would just say it like it is and stop covering for others. It only causes pain in the end. I could have spent the past 4 years happy instead of miserable trying to work something out with a cheating, unappreciative, miserable, poor excuse for a wife.

[imagine]

Thanks for keeping us updated.

 

I think there's a lesson in their somewhere about "giving the benefit of the doubt". From your description your wife was incredibly immature. I am sorry that your son and daughter is in the middle. In those circumstance I think I should also consider a well placed phone call before your son is further compromised.

 

I wonder about your ex in later years.... I cannot but feel a sense of pity for her.

 

I wish you the best in your new relationship.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your wife is a sexual predator and should be prosecuted as such. The fact that it is only now know that she had been dating a boy at 17 (now 21) years old when she was over 30 is only part of the story. The lame story of her painful vulva condition was merely an excuse to cuckold you in favor of her younger conquest. I'll bet my last dollar that her relationship started with this kid when he was much younger but, of course, you refuse to open your eyes to see that. Your wife has also at least groped your son while sleeping with him and yet, you refuse to conceive of that notion either. The fact that her relatives endorse her sleeping arrangement with your son speaks volumes about what goes on within her family tree so there's another red flag to consider. Your wife shows all the signs of someone who's past abuse has manifested itself in adulthood to make her a dangerous threat to your children and all children around her but you're still reticent to take action? As for the possibility that your wife suffers from mania the red flags of her wild mood swings and obsessive compulsive behavior should tell you this woman who engages in predatory acts with underage boys is too sick to be in charge of the care for children. If you still don't believe me then Google Debra Lafave and your eyes will open to what's been in front of you your entire marriage. Joint custody is out of the question and totally irresponsible for you to even consider under the circumstances.

 

If you don't want your son to grow up and become the next Norman Bates you've got one chance to "man up" and get this right so grow a pair and do the right thing now! Judas Priest!

[whichwayisup]

My son is still very dependant on his mother and has a hard time staying overnight with me because I make him sleep in his own bed. He still longs for mommy at 11... and it makes mommy feel soooo good. She has really messed him up and I'm about at the end of my rope.

 

Please talk to your son's family Dr, bring your (ex) with you so the Dr can explain to HER the damage she's doing by allowing him to sleep in her bed. How self serving it is, she's turned her own son into someone who can't live life or function properly without her - OK, that's abit exaggerated, but not at bedtime..(But one day it COULD lead to this behaviour getting worse, and affecting him in the day time and being away from her.)