Should I tell her husband?

[Cagney]

I'm finally out of a seven year affair with a married woman.

I tried - for several years to get her tell her husband the truth but I completely wussed out all those years knowing I should have left but didn't.

 

She promised all along that she would end the marriage, never did and in the past year, I got closer and closer to finally being able to walk away. But still, I wussed out all along.

 

She wanted to get pregnant all those years, and would have used the baby as her spring board to end her marriage. I wouldn't cooperate with that, but insisted that a baby would have to be for later after we "got right".

 

Last November she told me she's a cake eater and needs to go No-Contact in order to finally have the courage to end her marriage. She said the No-Contact thing was all about "us".

 

But then last December I busted her cheating on me.

She started this third guy early in October and within a month and a half, he got her pregnant. Her No-Contact line was just about her and the new lover.

 

I'm wrong for participating in the long affair, I knew better and deserve nothing but what I got ... even worse ... looking for no sympathy nor obsolution.

 

It hurts so much. And I know I was willing to be involved with something that would probably devastate her husband like it has me.

 

But my real question is ... should I tell the husband the truth about his wife and me, and also about his wife and my recent replacement?

 

Why should I tell?

Why should I keep the secret?

 

I WANT the truth to come out, even to my own humiliation.

I've lived a secret life of lies and cover up and I want to finally become a better man like I used to be before I met her.

 

Honestly, part of my motive for telling would be to hurt her back, but he's the one who will hurt the most. But is that just a lame justification for NOT letting him know?

 

Part of my motive is that he has the right to know.

 

I have to deal with my self, for what I've participated in for so long.

 

I'm hoping for some real insite here.

 

Is telling the truth to her husband the right thing or not?

 

Her husband will soon know about the new guy, she'll start showing soon enough. The recent affair may be all he'll ever learn about and I may get a pass as far as the husband learning about me and the seven years with his wife.

 

But I'm not looking for any passes.

 

Is telling him the truth the right thing to do?

Or just another wrong thing to add to all I've already done?

Edited February 9, 2008 by Cagney

[GreenEyedLady]

Don't tell him! You only want to tell him because she is not with you anymore and has replaced you with another man...She's not your business anymore and neither is her M...

 

Just start moving on...I'm sorry that you're hurting and that it didn't work out...

 

((HUGS))

[Lizzie60]

I just read the subject line (too lazy for long posts.. lol)

 

all I have to say is this:

 

only losers KISS AND TELL...

[Pyro]

I'm finally out of a seven year affair with a married woman.

I tried - for several years to get her tell her husband the truth but I completely wussed out all those years knowing I should have left but didn't.

 

She promised all along that she would end the marriage, never did and in the past year, I got closer and closer to finally being able to walk away. But still, I wussed out all along.

 

She wanted to get pregnant all those years, and would have used the baby as her spring board to end her marriage. I wouldn't cooperate with that, but insisted that a baby would have to be for later after we "got right".

 

Last November she told me she's a cake eater and needs to go No-Contact in order to finally have the courage to end her marriage. She said the No-Contact thing was all about "us".

 

But then last December I busted her cheating on me.

She started this third guy early in October and within a month and a half, he got her pregnant. Her No-Contact line was just about her and the new lover.

 

I'm wrong for participating in the long affair, I knew better and deserve nothing but what I got ... even worse ... looking for no sympathy nor obsolution.

 

It hurts so much. And I know I was willing to be involved with something that would probably devastate her husband like it has me.

 

But my real question is ... should I tell the husband the truth about his wife and me, and also about his wife and my recent replacement?

 

Why should I tell?

Why should I keep the secret?

 

I WANT the truth to come out, even to my own humiliation.

I've lived a secret life of lies and cover up and I want to finally become a better man like I used to be before I met her.

 

Honestly, part of my motive for telling would be to hurt her back, but he's the one who will hurt the most. But is that just a lame justification for NOT letting him know?

 

Part of my motive is that he has the right to know.

 

I have to deal with my self, for what I've participated in for so long.

 

I'm hoping for some real insite here.

 

Is telling the truth to her husband the right thing or not?

 

Her husband will soon know about the new guy, she'll start showing soon enough. The recent affair may be all he'll ever learn about and I may get a pass as far as the husband learning about me and the seven years with his wife.

 

But I'm not looking for any passes.

 

Is telling him the truth the right thing to do?

Or just another wrong thing to add to all I've already done?

 

Will you feel better after telling? It sounds like that you won't, so I don't see the point. Wait until you are over her and then think about things.

 

only losers KISS AND TELL...

 

So why is it that you come on here and tell us about all your MM?

[Lizzie60]

Will you feel better after telling? It sounds like that you won't, so I don't see the point. Wait until you are over her and then think about things.

 

 

 

So why is it that you come on here and tell us about all your MM?

 

Pyro... how old are you?

[silktricks]

I agree with GEL. Don't tell him.

 

Since the affair is over, let it really be over. That means neither she NOR her husband NOR her new lover have anything to do with you. Let her problems be only her problems, not yours. If you tell her husband, than there is no telling what the result could be.

 

Sorry that you are hurting. I hope you are able to feel better sometime soon.

[Cagney]

Don't tell him! You only want to tell him because she is not with you anymore and has replaced you with another man...

 

True to a degree ... but even worse ... I think part of my motive might be revenge.

 

Once I busted her, she hid behind a phone, wouldn't talk but just turned into a mean and ruthless person like I've never known. Like she left the planet and some ruthless hard b*tch filled up her skin.

 

I just want to make sure that I'm not cowering behind some reverse rational like, "be a better man by keeping the secret", or "what he doesn't know won't hurt him".

 

I really WANTED him to learn he truth all along but she was "scared" to face him with the truth (her words).

 

Still, I tend to think like the other post above ...

 

Losers kiss and tell. Why be any MORE of a loser than I have been?

[LakesideDream]

Absolutely DO NOT TELL HIM. You know that you loved the woman, and tried your best to have her. The only thing that ratting her out now would do would be to give you a little "revenge" for it not turning out the way you wanted it to.

 

Why hurt the guy more than you have... or her. Keep your dignity intact and act like a grown up man. You need to hold your head up and head into the future a better man tomorrow than you are today.

[silktricks]

Losers kiss and tell. Why be any MORE of a loser than I have been?

 

Hey, don't cut yourself down. You aren't a loser. You are, just like everyone else, a work in process. Nobody always makes smart decisions and wise choices. We all just work at making better choices the next time...

[Cagney]

I agree with GEL. Don't tell him.

 

If you tell her husband, than there is no telling what the result could be.

 

 

True ... he COULD hurt her ... or get a gun and come after me.

 

Knowing her now ... she'll move her stuff out when she know's she's got a good long day or two, then hide behind a phone, rather than risk a face to face.

 

He's going to be devastated. I know he will.

 

Funny, but one year into this, her and I visted a marriage counselor (sound wierd?). I mentioned to her and the counselor that "we have to end this because the husband will be wasted over this". They both assured me that he'll be fine. But they're wrong! I wonder why two women (my GF and the counselor) could be so sure that the husband will be just fine?

[skychic]

Think long & hard before you do!

 

Read my post...Made a huge mistake! It really was~

[Cagney]

Absolutely DO NOT TELL HIM. You know that you loved the woman, and tried your best to have her. The only thing that ratting her out now would do would be to give you a little "revenge" for it not turning out the way you wanted it to.

 

Why hurt the guy more than you have... or her. Keep your dignity intact and act like a grown up man. You need to hold your head up and head into the future a better man tomorrow than you are today.

 

I guess that's where I'm leaning.

Choke back the revenge ... keep the secret and move on.

If she tells later .... deal with it then.

 

Maybe I should just go chase girls! SINGLE girls!

 

I'm FREE!!! Well - Whoopie F*ckin Doo!

[Cagney]

Read my post...

 

Will do ... maybe that's what I'm looking for.

 

I doubt that I'll find any posts where there was good results from telling.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm finally out of a seven year affair with a married woman.

I tried - for several years to get her tell her husband the truth but I completely wussed out all those years knowing I should have left but didn't.

 

Look, I don't know what this woman is planning, but consider this!

 

I dont know where you live... but in the U.S. Paternity Fraud is literally the perfect crime! Once her H signs the papers he is in a financial straight jacket.

 

If you don't tell him, he may wind up paying for the next 18 years!

 

That's not right and its not fair. You have the power to potentially save him! That gives you the Obligation To Do So!

[Cagney]

Look, I don't know what this woman is planning, but consider this!

 

I dont know where you live... but in the U.S. Paternity Fraud is literally the perfect crime! Once her H signs the papers he is in a financial straight jacket.

 

If you don't tell him, he may wind up paying for the next 18 years!

 

That's not right and its not fair. You have the power to potentially save him! That gives you the Obligation To Do So!

 

I KNOW man! That stuff happens and it really bothers me.

I'll never know if she tells the husband the truth or tries to convince him the baby is his ... until it's too late.

 

This isn't simple ... and my uncertainty is understandable (to me anyway)

[bentnotbroken]

True to a degree ... but even worse ... I think part of my motive might be revenge.

 

Once I busted her, she hid behind a phone, wouldn't talk but just turned into a mean and ruthless person like I've never known. Like she left the planet and some ruthless hard b*tch filled up her skin.

 

I just want to make sure that I'm not cowering behind some reverse rational like, "be a better man by keeping the secret", or "what he doesn't know won't hurt him".

 

I really WANTED him to learn he truth all along but she was "scared" to face him with the truth (her words).

 

Still, I tend to think like the other post above ...

 

Losers kiss and tell. Why be any MORE of a loser than I have been?

 

 

 

As a BS I strongly recommend you tell. He doesn't deserve to have her pawn of a child as his because she is a well shall we say....never mind. But he shouldn't have his feelings played with, by loving a child he believes is his. This woman will claim the child is his to keep her meal tickest and her on the side penis play. He should know for no other reason than the right to choose whether or not to put up with her and to request a DNA test.

 

You are kind of sad, that you weren't man enough to tell him while she was still using your penis a play toy.

[GreenEyedLady]

True to a degree ... but even worse ... I think part of my motive might be revenge.

 

Once I busted her, she hid behind a phone, wouldn't talk but just turned into a mean and ruthless person like I've never known. Like she left the planet and some ruthless hard b*tch filled up her skin.

 

I just want to make sure that I'm not cowering behind some reverse rational like, "be a better man by keeping the secret", or "what he doesn't know won't hurt him".

 

I really WANTED him to learn he truth all along but she was "scared" to face him with the truth (her words).

 

Still, I tend to think like the other post above ...

 

Losers kiss and tell. Why be any MORE of a loser than I have been?

 

I guess my thinking is really, why give her any more power over you? Take your power back and move on...

[White Flower]

Look, I don't know what this woman is planning, but consider this!

 

I dont know where you live... but in the U.S. Paternity Fraud is literally the perfect crime! Once her H signs the papers he is in a financial straight jacket.

 

If you don't tell him, he may wind up paying for the next 18 years!

 

That's not right and its not fair. You have the power to potentially save him! That gives you the Obligation To Do So!

That's what I was thinking. I wouldn't have told otherwise, but the H needs to know. If she moves out and starts showing, then he probably already knows but we can't be sure about that. She could just say she needs her space and after a possible break up with the new guy go back running home to H who supports that child for 18 years.

[White Flower]

Just for the record, I love my MM's mind, heart, personality, and his penis, among many other fine traits.

[Cagney]

So it seems that for me it's coming down to:

 

1. Revenge, get even, get in a good shot while I can ...

Make sure her husband knows the truth

and then can make informed decisions.

 

2. Be cool (or try to regain some degree of cool)

Don't bring down any more of a sh*t storm on myself than necessary.

 

Revenge is sweet and tempting ...

But I keep thinking, never do anything unkind on purpose.

I mean a gut reaction is one thing, but a well thought out revenge attack is not cool is it?

 

But how important is it for me to do my part to inform the husband, like for his benefit? Right now, I'm the only person who could do it.

 

She has told me all along that she stopped having sex with him before we began our affair, yet he still hangs on. If she's not lying, then her pregnancy could never be attributed to him. I estimate the conception was about mid November, and first child cases sometimes take 4 or 5 months to show a tummy. So she might have a month or two to make her move.

 

She's a piece of work isn't she? What's that say about me?

[whichwayisup]

1. Revenge, get even, get in a good shot while I can ...

Make sure her husband knows the truth

and then can make informed decisions.

 

There's your reason not to tell. You don't have her husband's best interest at heart, you're looking to hurt her and make her life miserable.

 

You never had any real intention to spill all to her husband while the affair was going well for you. You knew from day one she was married - So now the A is over, she's moved on to someone else and is still cheating, but that is her choice, and you're pissed, jealous etc, so to make her pay, you want to tell her husband......One day you may regret doing that.

 

Take responsibility for your part in the affair, get over the hurt she caused you and move on. Find a happier life without the drama.

 

2. Be cool (or try to regain some degree of cool)

Don't bring down any more of a sh*t storm on myself than necessary.

 

By telling, you WILL be increasing the more drama and the sh*t storm will continue.

 

Best revenge is to move on, never look back and live a happy life with someone else that you can be proud of, to show off and not have to lie, sneak and hide from the world.

 

Her marriage is her business...As much as you hate that she's 'getting away with it', again, you certainly had no problem with it while in the midst of the affair.

 

If you're hurting badly, seek counselling to help you cope and deal with the pain and anger you're feeling now...Making her suffer by exposing all this to her husband will only cause you more heartache than you need.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...There is a differnece between truth and cowardice.

 

The reason you are even now starting to question things is because ighs heavily on your heart. You thought you was the only one you loved but now you see through her duplicity. You see her lies and BS for what it really is.

 

It's not called revenge it's called being honest. The truth is not overrated.

 

Most of these posters who said not to tell are cowards who can not own up to responsibility and have had affairs themselves plain and simple.

 

Dont tell out of revenge, Tell out of truth and remorse and absolution of your transgressions against the man.

 

You willingly played your part in the demise of his marriage but coveting his wife.

 

Be a real man.

 

Tell the truth. Then disappear, what do you have to loose by doing so?

 

Absolutely nothing!

[whichwayisup]

I see what CB is saying and as long as YOU are willing to confess your part in the affair, appologize to her husband for helping his wife to cheat on him and answer his questions if he needs them answered. Don't just tell him, then run off and hide.

[Letranger]

You should be real careful if you decide to reveal all to the husband.

What kind of man is he? He literally might kill you.

I can't imagine trying to deal a wife that cheated on me with one men, let alone two, and on top of it all being pregnant.

 

Just be REAL careful. For your safety, her safety, the other guys safety, and most of all the baby's safety.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You should be real careful if you decide to reveal all to the husband.

What kind of man is he? He literally might kill you.

I can't imagine trying to deal a wife that cheated on me with one men, let alone two, and on top of it all being pregnant.

 

Just be REAL careful. For your safety, her safety, the other guys safety, and most of all the baby's safety.

 

I agree, he may flip and kill all you MuthaF's! lol.

 

But that's a possibility. That's what might happen but he may go home and have a breakdown and cry. meet at a neutral and populated location and whatever you do , dont be smug or hateful, just own up to it. and be honest.

 

He needs to know the truth for his own sake.