Should I tell her husband?

[Cagney]

I read it entirely. She is a lying repeat cheater, who should be outed, JMO.

 

I have to admit that is a very tempting reason and I think about it a lot ... I wish it was just that one factor ... then there wouldn't be much of a decision. Too many other factors though.

[Cagney]

I don't agree with the whole mafia style "I don't want to be a rat" argument. Bad people win when nobody is willing to blow the whistle.

 

This really is not off topic is it?

 

I disagree with you. I think that if one makes a conscious decision to "throw in" with any lot then later on decides to get righteous (at least more righteous than the lot he/she joined) and blow the whistle, as you say, I think it probably will be motivated by some chickensh*t agenda.

 

This would apply to chosing to get involved in an affair with a married person, the mafia or whatever else one decided to get in to and then later want out of.

 

But I would agree that one should blow the whistle on, for example, a neighborhood pedophile or something like that, but not my ex-MW.

 

If I see that she's staying with the H, after she shows, and I learn (as I will be able to) that the H thinks it's his, then I'll have time make a new decision then. But if she leaves him (soon now) before she shows, then he needs no warning from me.

 

FWIW: For the first time I see she's very disturbed, which is just another part of this pain. But, for now, my own weaknesses that kept me in that thing for so long are all I am able to work on.

Edited February 24, 2008 by Cagney

[Cagney]

I appreciate the replies to my OP. It's not easy to be objective after this whole thing.

 

There is still another thing that's nagging at me though:

 

After 7 years of a double secret life, lieing to EVERYONE that I care about, and getting away with it too, it's like how do I suddenly become honest again? All these years, I wrongly assumed that we would finally have her marriage ended, then the two of us, together, would deal with our community and the lies we have fed to our friends and loved ones.

 

But now I'm on my own! To deal with this thing of just who the hell am I anyway? I know what I've done. But no one that I care about knows ... maybe they don't even know the real me.

 

What, just decide that "I'll be honest from now on! I promise, I really promise! ??? It's become part of my make up and it's not cool.

 

Can a person just change like that? And still get a pass on what the real truth was all those past years? It doesn't seem real! I'm not talking about some kind of religious confession and gain some free pass on absolution. I mean, why not just tell the whole truth and let my friends and loved ones make an informed decision about me. Maybe they'll all decide to keep me or maybe not, but it'll be the truth and no more lies.

 

I've forgotten to care about those people, and focused only on winning her! Now I care about them.

 

And It's not just other people. It's me-myself too. I think I can forgive myself and move on ... but I want to make sure I never lie again.

 

f-d up huh!

[Darth Vader]

I'd tell her husband if I were you, he needs to know what he's living with. To be in the dark and duped into taking care of another mans baby is soo wrong on so many levels. She has no remorse like you are having, even if it's not 100% genuine, her husband has every right to know. He deserves a lot better than her. He may get AIDS because of her, if you don't tell him, you'll be assisting her to give it to her husband. I'm not saying that you have to talk to her hubby face to face, a phone call from a pay phone, an email, a letter and proof of her affairs sent requesting certified signature required by her husband only, anything.

 

I know people are saying don't tell him, but they don't have to live with that woman, or whatever she is, her husband does, so long as he doesn't know what he's living with. Let him have a choice with his life, many people would like to know if it was happening to them. It's quite apparent that she will keep doing this with no thought on how much it will affect her husband and children, do the right thing for once!

[jton30]

It's actually this woman's husband who's the biggest victim of all. He's the one most in the dark and - in most states - he's the presumptive father of that child. If I was him, I'd want someone to step up and open my eyes. To use a grisly analogy, do you let the gangrene fester or amputate the limb? Neither is a great outcome, but hopefully the latter let's you go on with your life albeit limping, while the former will slowly eat at you until things get too bad to recover.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I appreciate the replies to my OP. It's not easy to be objective after this whole thing.

 

There is still another thing that's nagging at me though:

 

After 7 years of a double secret life, lieing to EVERYONE that I care about, and getting away with it too, it's like how do I suddenly become honest again? All these years, I wrongly assumed that we would finally have her marriage ended, then the two of us, together, would deal with our community and the lies we have fed to our friends and loved ones.

 

But now I'm on my own! To deal with this thing of just who the hell am I anyway? I know what I've done. But no one that I care about knows ... maybe they don't even know the real me.

 

What, just decide that "I'll be honest from now on! I promise, I really promise! ??? It's become part of my make up and it's not cool.

 

Can a person just change like that? And still get a pass on what the real truth was all those past years? It doesn't seem real! I'm not talking about some kind of religious confession and gain some free pass on absolution. I mean, why not just tell the whole truth and let my friends and loved ones make an informed decision about me. Maybe they'll all decide to keep me or maybe not, but it'll be the truth and no more lies.

 

I've forgotten to care about those people, and focused only on winning her! Now I care about them.

 

And It's not just other people. It's me-myself too. I think I can forgive myself and move on ... but I want to make sure I never lie again.

 

f-d up huh!

 

Wonder if you get married someday, and your wife does it to you, wouldnt you want to know?

 

What you got to lose?

 

I mean why are you such a coward?

 

Can't you man up!

[EnigmaXOXO]

After 7 years of a double secret life, lieing to EVERYONE that I care about, and getting away with it too, it's like how do I suddenly become honest again?

 

I think you’ll eventually figure out that being honest requires a helluva lot less work than the alternative. You don’t have to put nearly as much effort or thought into it. No sweating bullets, no knots in your stomach, no drama, and no looking over you shoulder worrying which gullible sucker you bamboozled is finally gonna bust your game and call you out.

 

I mean, why not just tell the whole truth and let my friends and loved ones make an informed decision about me. Maybe they'll all decide to keep me or maybe not, but it'll be the truth and no more lies.

 

Fear of rejection seems to be the real big motivator for you. Once you’ve finally gained the self confidence to get over all that, then you’ll have already won the battle. The rest will fall into place. Doesn’t matter if everyone around you is convinced you’re the greatest, most put together guy they’ve ever met. If at the end of the day, you don’t even like your own reflection ... than being popular will never be enough. Especially when you know you didn’t earn it honest.

 

Shoot, we disappoint other people all the time. It’s a part of life. And when they disappoint us, we can gain as much distance from them as we have to. But you can never run far and fast enough to escape yourself. That guy (or gal) you’re pretty much stuck with!

[eclectic78]

I'm thinking that if you two were involved for 7 yrs then her husband probably knows more than you think. He might choose to pretend nothing is happening, but unless he's a complete moron he's got to know something has been going on. Therefore it wouldn't do any good in telling him and more than likely he's going to deny it anyway and be mad at you instead of her.

[Cagney]

I'm thinking that if you two were involved for 7 yrs then her husband probably knows more than you think. He might choose to pretend nothing is happening, but unless he's a complete moron he's got to know something has been going on. Therefore it wouldn't do any good in telling him and more than likely he's going to deny it anyway and be mad at you instead of her.

 

I've known that he was suspicious all along. There are only theories as to why he never confronted. But he is NOT a moron, he HAD to know something.

[Cagney]

I think you’ll eventually figure out that being honest requires a helluva lot less work than the alternative. You don’t have to put nearly as much effort or thought into it. No sweating bullets, no knots in your stomach, no drama, and no looking over you shoulder worrying which gullible sucker you bamboozled is finally gonna bust your game and call you out.

 

 

 

Fear of rejection seems to be the real big motivator for you. Once you’ve finally gained the self confidence to get over all that, then you’ll have already won the battle. The rest will fall into place. Doesn’t matter if everyone around you is convinced you’re the greatest, most put together guy they’ve ever met. If at the end of the day, you don’t even like your own reflection ... than being popular will never be enough. Especially when you know you didn’t earn it honest.

 

Shoot, we disappoint other people all the time. It’s a part of life. And when they disappoint us, we can gain as much distance from them as we have to. But you can never run far and fast enough to escape yourself. That guy (or gal) you’re pretty much stuck with!

 

All good points.

 

Actually, I WANT to let it out, ALL of it. But now the biggest factors are what it will do to the H. Then what he might do to her. He has some serious emotional problems already.

[Cagney]

Wonder if you get married someday, and your wife does it to you, wouldnt you want to know?

 

Of course I'd want to know!

 

What you got to lose?

I mean why are you such a coward?

Can't you man up!

 

Thanks for the deep insite man.

I'm waiting for you do grunt with "oooh, oooh oooh!"

or ... "scaredy cat - scaredy cat!"

[Chrome Barracuda]

I've known that he was suspicious all along. There are only theories as to why he never confronted. But he is NOT a moron, he HAD to know something.

 

Do not assume he knows automatically!!!!

 

He might suspect but if he doesnt see it, he dont know it doesnt exist.

 

Why dont you just write him a letter, what do you have to lose, do you still desire his wife? I mean she sounds like a piece of garbage if you ask me!

[Cagney]

Sorry for the sarcasm in my last reply to you.

But It's more complex than just a question of my courage.

 

Do not assume he knows automatically!!!!

 

He might suspect but if he doesnt see it, he dont know it doesnt exist.

I don't KNOW if he knows ... I was only replying to another post that said he might know more than I think he knows.

 

... what do you have to lose, do you still desire his wife?

Could we please not use the "desire his wife" word?

Of couse I do! I still love her and I'm trying to learn not to.

 

I mean she sounds like a piece of garbage if you ask me!

Yep! And it's a hell of thing to fall in love with a piece of garbage.

That pretty much makes me one too.

But that's for me to deal with now. It's not simple.

[iampattycake]

while i havent read all of this thread...I have to say what the OW did to you was terrible. However, I would not tell her hauband. It isnt your place to do so.

[bentnotbroken]

It wasn't his place to sleep with his wife either, but that little point didn't stop him.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It wasn't his place to sleep with his wife either, but that little point didn't stop him.

 

Nice stab I couldnt have done better myself! lol.

 

Could we please not use the "desire his wife" word?

Of couse I do! I still love her and I'm trying to learn not to.

Okay let's look at the facts: You was banging this guy's wife for 7 years, Behind his back, Probably not using protection whatsoever, shes lied to him, Also she plans to get pregnant and not just by you but OM2 and not only that, has no intentions of leaving her comfy marriage but also planning "Paternity Fraud!!" Which is now starting to get on the books to becoming a law! She can and possibly will be jailed for this.

 

Now she's not only deceiving you, her husband the new OM too!

 

And yet, you fell in love with her?

 

Dude you loved who you thought she was, She cheated on ehr husband who's to say she wont slut around on you? She has no idea of love, neither do you!

 

Welcome to the real world it's time to wake up!

[JamesM]

Okay let's look at the facts: You was banging this guy's wife for 7 years, Behind his back, Probably not using protection whatsoever, shes lied to him, Also she plans to get pregnant and not just by you but OM2 and not only that, has no intentions of leaving her comfy marriage but also planning "Paternity Fraud!!" Which is now starting to get on the books to becoming a law! She can and possibly will be jailed for this.

 

 

While I agree with your conclusions, do we know for a fact that he and she used no protection, that she is pregnant with the intention of planning a Paternity Fraud, and that she doesn't plan on leaving the marriage?

 

Or are these assumptions?

 

I think that you should tell the husband in an anonymous way. However, still be prepared that the MW may say you are behind the revelation. If you leave yourself out of the picture, it does make it seem like she had one affair. If you include yourself, then you leave yourself open to repercussions from him. An angry and jealous husband is as dangerous as a woman scorned. And you could have both on your tail. She will say that the baby is his, and he will believe her. She will say that she left you a long time ago and now you are being revengeful. She will say that the other guy is just a friend and nothing more.

 

So, I think he should know, but you should prepare for the worst.

 

If this was your wife, and I had slept with her, would YOU want to know? Or even better yet...if you had been sleeping with this MW for the past seven years, and I had been sleeping with her for the past five years, would you want me to let you know that she cheated on you and her husband?

 

If you answer no, then ignore my advice. If you would want to know, then I think an anonymous note is enough.

[bentnotbroken]

I wasn't trying to stab, just stating a fact. He didn't care what his place was when he was with her, why should he care about boundaries now?

[iampattycake]

no problem bent... i really am not some horrible person who will assume you are angry and just looking to attack me for being an OW. I get it. trust me I would probably make a great best girl-friend to any woman. I am the woman how has many friends and would do anything for you....

[Chrome Barracuda]

While I agree with your conclusions, do we know for a fact that he and she used no protection, that she is pregnant with the intention of planning a Paternity Fraud, and that she doesn't plan on leaving the marriage?

 

Or are these assumptions?

 

I think that you should tell the husband in an anonymous way. However, still be prepared that the MW may say you are behind the revelation. If you leave yourself out of the picture, it does make it seem like she had one affair. If you include yourself, then you leave yourself open to repercussions from him. An angry and jealous husband is as dangerous as a woman scorned. And you could have both on your tail. She will say that the baby is his, and he will believe her. She will say that she left you a long time ago and now you are being revengeful. She will say that the other guy is just a friend and nothing more.

 

So, I think he should know, but you should prepare for the worst.

 

If this was your wife, and I had slept with her, would YOU want to know? Or even better yet...if you had been sleeping with this MW for the past seven years, and I had been sleeping with her for the past five years, would you want me to let you know that she cheated on you and her husband?

 

If you answer no, then ignore my advice. If you would want to know, then I think an anonymous note is enough.

 

I'm finally out of a seven year affair with a married woman.

I tried - for several years to get her tell her husband the truth but I completely wussed out all those years knowing I should have left but didn't.

 

She promised all along that she would end the marriage, never did and in the past year, I got closer and closer to finally being able to walk away. But still, I wussed out all along.

 

She wanted to get pregnant all those years, and would have used the baby as her spring board to end her marriage. I wouldn't cooperate with that, but insisted that a baby would have to be for later after we "got right".

 

Last November she told me she's a cake eater and needs to go No-Contact in order to finally have the courage to end her marriage. She said the No-Contact thing was all about "us".

But then last December I busted her cheating on me.

She started this third guy early in October and within a month and a half, he got her pregnant. Her No-Contact line was just about her and the new lover.

 

I'm wrong for participating in the long affair, I knew better and deserve nothing but what I got ... even worse ... looking for no sympathy nor obsolution.

And this is what Cagney wrote on his first day here...

 

I couldnt make it anymore clearer.

[JamesM]

I'm finally out of a seven year affair with a married woman.

I tried - for several years to get her tell her husband the truth but I completely wussed out all those years knowing I should have left but didn't.

 

She promised all along that she would end the marriage, never did and in the past year, I got closer and closer to finally being able to walk away. But still, I wussed out all along.

 

She wanted to get pregnant all those years, and would have used the baby as her spring board to end her marriage. I wouldn't cooperate with that, but insisted that a baby would have to be for later after we "got right".

 

Last November she told me she's a cake eater and needs to go No-Contact in order to finally have the courage to end her marriage. She said the No-Contact thing was all about "us".

But then last December I busted her cheating on me.

She started this third guy early in October and within a month and a half, he got her pregnant. Her No-Contact line was just about her and the new lover.

 

I'm wrong for participating in the long affair, I knew better and deserve nothing but what I got ... even worse ... looking for no sympathy nor obsolution.

And this is what Cagney wrote on his first day here...

 

I couldnt make it anymore clearer.

 

Okay, I can see that she didn't leave the marriage, but she wanted to use a pregnancy to leave. The pregnancy never happened with Cagney. It has with the new lover. The question is...will she leave her husband now? Could it be that her affairs were (as was suggested) simply so that she could get pregnant...as her husband may be infertile? I guess we assume that she never wants to leave?

 

I got the impression that he and she did use protection because he never wanted to get her pregnant.

 

The only mention of Paternity Fraud that I could find was made by another poster...CobraX.

 

My personal conclusions are that the woman wanted a child because she could not seem to get pregnant by her husband. Maybe he did not want children, maybe he couldn't have them....who knows.

 

He has already said he would want to be told. This woman isn't just a one time cheater, she's a serial cheater who apparently has no empathy for a single person. Her only interest is in what she can get for herself.

 

Not having been cheated upon by someone, I can not understand the anger from those who have felt the pain of affairs.

 

I know he said what he wanted and what he was going to do. My point was that...it is hypocritical to hope that some one would tell him if he will not have the courtesy to tell this husband.

 

All cheaters are to a degree selfish...some more than others. And she has cheated twice. This is to me the biggest motivation to step in and tell him. If she had one affair and was going to work on her marriage, then I would leave it to her. But in this case, she needs a wake up call, and he needs to realize that he is in a marriage that will never improve.

[bentnotbroken]

Okay, I can see that she didn't leave the marriage, but she wanted to use a pregnancy to leave. The pregnancy never happened with Cagney. It has with the new lover. The question is...will she leave her husband now? Could it be that her affairs were (as was suggested) simply so that she could get pregnant...as her husband may be infertile? I guess we assume that she never wants to leave?

 

I got the impression that he and she did use protection because he never wanted to get her pregnant.

 

The only mention of Paternity Fraud that I could find was made by another poster...CobraX.

 

My personal conclusions are that the woman wanted a child because she could not seem to get pregnant by her husband. Maybe he did not want children, maybe he couldn't have them....who knows.

 

 

 

Not having been cheated upon by someone, I can not understand the anger from those who have felt the pain of affairs.

 

I know he said what he wanted and what he was going to do. My point was that...it is hypocritical to hope that some one would tell him if he will not have the courtesy to tell this husband.

 

All cheaters are to a degree selfish...some more than others. And she has cheated twice. This is to me the biggest motivation to step in and tell him. If she had one affair and was going to work on her marriage, then I would leave it to her. But in this case, she needs a wake up call, and he needs to realize that he is in a marriage that will never improve.

 

 

 

 

I would bet money I don't have that she has cheated more than twice.

[SoleMate]

I think part of my motive might be revenge.

THAT'S an understatement. Let me phrase it more accurately: "Telling him would be primarily motivated by revenge." I guess you've acknowledged that now.

[Cagney]

THAT'S an understatement. Let me phrase it more accurately: "Telling him would be primarily motivated by revenge." I guess you've acknowledged that now.

 

No. It's really not about revenge. I have to admit that at first, thoughts of getting even were tempting. Thoughts of "not letting her get away with things" were tempting too.

But now, I think that if I talk, I'll only feel worse afterward, not better.

 

So from my own selfish viewpoint:

ANY connection (bad/dramatic or sweet) with her IS a connection.

And ANY connection only prolongs this whole thing.

But it's still a very tough decision, not a simple one at all.

 

What's the best thing for the husband?

It's not really simple and straight-forward.

It's more than just proving that I'm not a coward. I'm not.

But why tear apart anyone anymore than is necessary just to prove I'm brave?

Edited February 25, 2008 by Cagney

[Cagney]

THAT'S an understatement. Let me phrase it more accurately: "Telling him would be primarily motivated by revenge." I guess you've acknowledged that now.

 

 

But I can't resist saying that you seem to think this was an astute observation on your part, but probably was untuitively obvious to everyone else

Edited February 25, 2008 by Cagney