Should I tell her husband?

[Darth Vader]

All good points.

 

Actually, I WANT to let it out, ALL of it. But now the biggest factors are what it will do to the H. Then what he might do to her. He has some serious emotional problems already.

 

 

That's not your problem, as far as what will happen to her, she created this mess, time for her to answer for it! He may have those problems from all of the suspicions he's had! Think about it, if you thought your wife was riding other men, having intense orgasms, the images, MAN! That would disturb any man!

[Darth Vader]

no problem bent... i really am not some horrible person who will assume you are angry and just looking to attack me for being an OW. I get it. trust me I would probably make a great best girl-friend to any woman. I am the woman how has many friends and would do anything for you....

 

 

Is that a pick up line, or is it just me?

 

I couldn't resist the Dark Side!

[Darth Vader]

What's the best thing for the husband?

It's not really simple and straight-forward.

It's more than just proving that I'm not a coward. I'm not.

But why tear apart anyone anymore than is necessary just to prove I'm brave?

 

 

1. A. Hubby can get away from this woman, and not waste anymore of his life in a dead marriage.

B. Hubby won't get duped into loving and raising a child that's not even his.

C. When/if it is found out, and divorces later he'll end up paying child support needlessly, if you don't tell him.

D. He may not get an STD, like AIDS. If you get that, you're DEAD!

 

2. Um, yes it is! It's called typing out what she's been up to, giving no Identification of yourself, but providing much proof without revealing who you are. By the way, a no return address on the letter is a very good plus!

 

3. It's not about you! Or how brave, or cowardly you may, or may not be! It's about this man finally getting to know what kind of freaking Monster he's living with!

 

4. A. Like I said, It's not about you, refer to #3.

B. This poor man's already torn apart, he just doesn't know it yet!

 

5. JUST DO IT!

[Cagney]

Nice stab I couldnt have done better myself! lol.

 

So then ... you think you're good at it?

[Cagney]

5. JUST DO IT!

 

I Am still thinking about it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So then ... you think you're good at it?

 

Trust me playboy, I dont stab, I go striaght for the jugular.

 

[stillafool]

What's the best thing for the husband?

It's not really simple and straight-forward.

It's more than just proving that I'm not a coward. I'm not.

But why tear apart anyone anymore than is necessary just to prove I'm brave?

 

 

The best thing for the husband would have been to leave his cheating wife alone in the first place. But, since this mans life has been destroyed anyway, why let him get tied to a baby that isn't his. You almost owe this guy to tell him what is happening since you are a party in his pain.

[twice_shy]

But my real question is ... should I tell the husband the truth about his wife and me, and also about his wife and my recent replacement?

 

Usually I'd say that you shouldn't tell because you are no better than she is.

 

But since she is a serial cheater, her husband deserves to know. So I am gonna go with the lesser of two evils here and say that you should rat her out to the husband.

 

He deserves to know, and she deserves everything she has coming to her.

[twice_shy]

I agree with GEL. Don't tell him.

 

Since the affair is over, let it really be over. That means neither she NOR her husband NOR her new lover have anything to do with you. Let her problems be only her problems, not yours. If you tell her husband, than there is no telling what the result could be.

 

Who cares what the result would be. At least this poor unsuspecting husband would know the truth about his lousy wife.

[twice_shy]

Losers kiss and tell. Why be any MORE of a loser than I have been?

 

don't be offended by what Lizzie has to say. If you have been here long enough and know what she is about, you'll realize she has nothing of value to your situation.

[twice_shy]

Absolutely DO NOT TELL HIM. You know that you loved the woman, and tried your best to have her. The only thing that ratting her out now would do would be to give you a little "revenge" for it not turning out the way you wanted it to.

 

Why hurt the guy more than you have... or her. Keep your dignity intact and act like a grown up man. You need to hold your head up and head into the future a better man tomorrow than you are today.

 

I disagree, as an ex-BS, I am very dissappointed in the people that knew my wife was messing around and didnt' tell me.

 

I would have wanted to know sooner than I found out so I could have saved some years off of my life.

 

All the years I spent with a cheater are years I'll never get back. I had a right to know and nobody told me. If this guy finds out years later, and his wife doesn't get outted for her actions, then the same will happen to him. Why wouldn't anyone want to spare this poor guy wasting any more years? And he WILL find out eventually. Why not be the one to help save as much of what little years of life he has on this planet?

 

Bottom line, the guy deserves to know so he doesn't waste his life away with an unscrupulous individual.

[twice_shy]

True ... he COULD hurt her ... or get a gun and come after me.

 

So because of what "COULD" happen, a person being betrayed deserves to keep on being betrayed?

 

If he "COULD" hurt her, then maybe she should have thought about that before spreading her legs to other guys.

[twice_shy]

............................

Edited February 27, 2008 by twice_shy

[EnigmaXOXO]

The only thing missing is the torches and pitchforks.

 

Cagney, if you’re gonna give in to your desire for revenge and play martyr for the angry mob screaming for a witch burning ... then be wary you’re not being maliciously hung out to dry as well. After all, since you’re every bit as guilty as the woman you’re pointing a finger at, than no body’s going to give a d*mn about what happens to you in the crossfire, either.

 

I say ... if you’re going to spin this as some sort of revelation regarding “honesty” ... than you better tell the WHOLE truth, including the part where you have been porking his wife for over seven years behind his back. Not fair pointing the finger at someone else ‘anonymously’ while pretending to be some sort of good-dooby hero yourself.

 

THAT is the definition of a “coward” in the true sense of the word. Not to mention making you look like a hypocrite.

 

Capiche (???)

 

In all sincerity, I don’t think this forum will be all that beneficial when it comes to helping you sort this situation out. At this point, it might only serve to keep you “stuck” exactly where you are and prevent you from moving on from this and healing. My only hope is that before you lose your head and follow anyone’s advice (mine included) that you’ll talk this out with your therapist first.

 

Is that do-able?

[Cagney]

The only thing missing is the torches and pitchforks.

 

Cagney, if you’re gonna give in to your desire for revenge and play martyr for the angry mob screaming for a witch burning ... then be wary you’re not being maliciously hung out to dry as well. After all, since you’re every bit as guilty as the woman you’re pointing a finger at, than no body’s going to give a d*mn about what happens to you in the crossfire, either.

 

I say ... if you’re going to spin this as some sort of revelation regarding “honesty” ... than you better tell the WHOLE truth, including the part where you have been porking his wife for over seven years behind his back. Not fair pointing the finger at someone else ‘anonymously’ while pretending to be some sort of good-dooby hero yourself.

 

THAT is the definition of a “coward” in the true sense of the word. Not to mention making you look like a hypocrite.

 

Capiche (???)

 

In all sincerity, I don’t think this forum will be all that beneficial when it comes to helping you sort this situation out. At this point, it might only serve to keep you “stuck” exactly where you are and prevent you from moving on from this and healing. My only hope is that before you lose your head and follow anyone’s advice (mine included) that you’ll talk this out with your therapist first.

 

Is that do-able?

 

I am seeing a therapist and the advice is not to tell. In fact that is probably the ONLY adamant advice I've been given, being told, "You will NOT tell anything if you're serious about getting help from me!" Everything else was more in the form of mild to strong suggestions.

 

And about telling the whole truth? Yes, if I were to say ANYTHING, I would say EVERYTHING. All the seven years, and what I know about the current affair, which is plenty.

 

I still have to say that I am strongly leaning toward keeping the secret and saying nothing. For more reasons, than just covering my own tracks.

[Cagney]

Trust me playboy, I dont stab, I go striaght for the jugular.

 

 

Well you're not good at that either ... mostly pretty lame.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I am seeing a therapist and the advice is not to tell. In fact that is probably the ONLY adamant advice I've been given, being told, "You will NOT tell anything if you're serious about getting help from me!" Everything else was more in the form of mild to strong suggestions.

 

It seems as if you found someone both professional and objective enough to put YOUR best interests first. Maybe there’s some genuine concern that this will undo all the progress you’ve made so far? He/she knows you and what’s best for you better than any of the rest of us here. Don’t discount that while the rest of us debate our personal perspectives on the situation and “confuse” you even more. As a matter of fact, I bet your therapist would be beside themselves if they knew you we seeking second opinions from a forum full of anonymous (and grossly unqualified) strangers.

 

Maybe it’s time to push yourself away from the monitor for a while and go get some fresh air.

[Owl]

Cagney,

 

I'd bet huge, huge money that you're seeing an "individual therapist", rather than anyone with experience in marriage or couples counseling.

 

Of course they're going to tell you that...because the ONLY person that they're looking out for right now is YOU. They could not possibly care less about ANY of the other players in this equation...your spouse, the other couple...NONE of them are on their radar or within their scope to talk about.

 

That even includes your marital recovery over all of this. The recovery of your marriage is NOT an individual counselor's concern...in fact, the vast majority of IC's out there provide counseling that is DETRIMENTAL to the marriage.

 

I'm curious why your therapist made this a CONDITION of your couneling...that's a very unusual request. They'll normally just advise you on what they feel is your best course of action...they almost never make something so conditional as this.

[EnigmaXOXO]

That even includes your marital recovery over all of this. The recovery of your marriage is NOT an individual counselor's concern...in fact, the vast majority of IC's out there provide counseling that is DETRIMENTAL to the marriage.

 

Did I miss something?

 

I went back through all of Cagney’s posts ... and nowhere did it mention that he was married. He did say that he and his ex-affair partner went to couple’s counseling at one point. But no mention of a wife or family of his own that needed to be addressed.

 

If I’ve missed something, (perhaps a user name change) than I whole heartedly apologize for the oversight. If not, than perhaps we need to be extra careful about getting too overly excited before actually understanding what’s being posted.

 

Hey ... I’ve been guilty of doing that too!

[Cagney]

Did I miss something?

 

I went back through all of Cagney’s posts ... and nowhere did it mention that he was married. He did say that he and his ex-affair partner went to couple’s counseling at one point. But no mention of a wife or family of his own that needed to be addressed.

 

If I’ve missed something, (perhaps a user name change) than I whole heartedly apologize for the oversight. If not, than perhaps we need to be extra careful about getting too overly excited before actually understanding what’s being posted.

 

Hey ... I’ve been guilty of doing that too!

 

I'm not married. Yes, the girl and I went to see a marriage counselor early on in our affair. Developing her courage to end her marriage and tell the truth to her husband was one of the focal points of our discussions with the counselor.

[Cagney]

Cagney,

 

I'd bet huge, huge money that you're seeing an "individual therapist", rather than anyone with experience in marriage or couples counseling.

 

I'm curious why your therapist made this a CONDITION of your couneling...that's a very unusual request. They'll normally just advise you on what they feel is your best course of action...they almost never make something so conditional as this.

 

It is a marital conselor with a PHD.

 

I never meant that it was "conditional".

 

I understaood it as the beneifit of the counseling will be set back.

That is, if I'm serious about getting help, then that's one thing I won't do.

 

I understood that it would drag me backward into more high drama and even trauma. That ALL connection/contact must cease, if I'm serious about getting over this. ANY connection, good or bad, is still just another connection.

[Cagney]

It seems as if you found someone both professional and objective enough to put YOUR best interests first. Maybe there’s some genuine concern that this will undo all the progress you’ve made so far? He/she knows you and what’s best for you better than any of the rest of us here. Don’t discount that while the rest of us debate our personal perspectives on the situation and “confuse” you even more. As a matter of fact, I bet your therapist would be beside themselves if they knew you we seeking second opinions from a forum full of anonymous (and grossly unqualified) strangers.

 

Maybe it’s time to push yourself away from the monitor for a while and go get some fresh air.

 

You're right.

 

While I have received some objective feedback, which I appreciate, but some of it is still just more connection that stirs things even more.

[Owl]

I understood that it would drag me backward into more high drama and even trauma. That ALL connection/contact must cease, if I'm serious about getting over this. ANY connection, good or bad, is still just another connection.

 

I can see that. Again, its centered around YOUR healing (which makes sense...he's YOUR therapist) rather than healing anyone else. There's no responsibility for anyone else in that equation. No need to make amends, no empathy for any of the other players included in it.

 

For what its worth, I understand the conundrum. If my wife wanted to contact someone in xOM's life after all of this, I'd be absolutely against it. But if there was a strong moral reason behind it (like ensuring that another BS was informed of the truth of their marriage), I'd be struggling with that choice myself.

[bentnotbroken]

It seems as if you found someone both professional and objective enough to put YOUR best interests first. Maybe there’s some genuine concern that this will undo all the progress you’ve made so far? He/she knows you and what’s best for you better than any of the rest of us here. Don’t discount that while the rest of us debate our personal perspectives on the situation and “confuse” you even more. As a matter of fact, I bet your therapist would be beside themselves if they knew you we seeking second opinions from a forum full of anonymous (and grossly unqualified) strangers.

 

Maybe it’s time to push yourself away from the monitor for a while and go get some fresh air.

 

 

 

Isn't that what he has been doing for 7 years, putting himself first? And I'd bet that therapist would be beside herself is she found out her SO was cheating on her for 7 years and no one told her. That she had been living a lie for years, wasting life on someone who doesn't give a damn about her. That's what I bet that therapist would do:rolleyes:

[Darth Vader]

don't be offended by what Lizzie has to say. If you have been here long enough and know what she is about, you'll realize she has nothing of value to your situation.

 

 

I have to agree with you on that one!