Should I tell her husband?

[Darth Vader]

I disagree, as an ex-BS, I am very dissappointed in the people that knew my wife was messing around and didnt' tell me.

 

I would have wanted to know sooner than I found out so I could have saved some years off of my life.

 

All the years I spent with a cheater are years I'll never get back. I had a right to know and nobody told me. If this guy finds out years later, and his wife doesn't get outted for her actions, then the same will happen to him. Why wouldn't anyone want to spare this poor guy wasting any more years? And he WILL find out eventually. Why not be the one to help save as much of what little years of life he has on this planet?

 

Bottom line, the guy deserves to know so he doesn't waste his life away with an unscrupulous individual.

 

 

How did you find out, if you don't mind me asking........

[Darth Vader]

The only thing missing is the torches and pitchforks.

 

 

Got em right here! Once again, I couldn't resist the Dark Side!

[Darth Vader]

I am seeing a therapist and the advice is not to tell. In fact that is probably the ONLY adamant advice I've been given, being told, "You will NOT tell anything if you're serious about getting help from me!" Everything else was more in the form of mild to strong suggestions.

 

And about telling the whole truth? Yes, if I were to say ANYTHING, I would say EVERYTHING. All the seven years, and what I know about the current affair, which is plenty.

 

I still have to say that I am strongly leaning toward keeping the secret and saying nothing. For more reasons, than just covering my own tracks.

 

 

I'm not going for a low blow here, just to get that out of the way. Is your counselor a woman? That is not a common thing for a counselor to say, except to keep their meal tic- I mean, their client safe!

[Cagney]

I'm not going for a low blow here, just to get that out of the way. Is your counselor a woman? That is not a common thing for a counselor to say, except to keep their meal tic- I mean, their client safe!

 

It's a man. But I have a close friend who is also a counselor (woman) who is totally in agreement that telling will be the wrong thing.

 

except to keep their meal tic- I mean, their client safe!

 

So then you mean that a woman would be more likely to keep me safe than a man? And also that her motive for keeping me safe would be to keep a paying patient?

 

Or that a man would be more likely to put me in danger because principles are more important than money?

 

I'm not making fun of you, so let's get that out of the way too, but if you're NOT saying either one of things then what ARE you suggesting?

Edited February 28, 2008 by Cagney

[Darth Vader]

It's a man. But I have a close friend who is also a counselor (woman) who is totally in agreement that telling will be the wrong thing.

 

 

 

So then you mean that a woman would be more likely to keep me safe than a man? And also that her motive for keeping me safe would be to keep a paying patient?

 

Or that a man would be more likely to put me in danger because principles are more important than money?

 

I'm not making fun of you, so let's get that out of the way too, but if you're NOT saying either one of things then what ARE you suggesting?

 

 

I made no reference that either a man or a woman is more likely to keep you safe. As far as keeping you a paying patient, well, as the saying goes, you never do know! Especially these days. There are some bad counselors out there, people on here have mentioned a few, no names of course. I will say this much, I do tend to read a bit much into things, however, I've been correct many times, not always though, but, then again who is? Just trying to provide some possibilities.

 

By the way, you say that they suggest that telling would be the wrong thing, based on what? Possible physical harm?

[twice_shy]

The only thing missing is the torches and pitchforks.

 

Cagney, if you’re gonna give in to your desire for revenge and play martyr for the angry mob screaming for a witch burning ... then be wary you’re not being maliciously hung out to dry as well.

 

Well, then I guess this poor husband has to go through life unknowingly living with a tramp.

 

And thats a sad thought.

[twice_shy]

How did you find out, if you don't mind me asking........

 

It just happens. Especially if you live in a small town. People might not tell you directly, but they gossip and eventually, somehow, it gets back to you.

 

In my case, it was 13 years of my life wasted, and I'm not too pleased with the people that kept their mouths shut. As far as I'm concern, they could have helped me save those 13 years and didn't.

[twice_shy]

It's a man. But I have a close friend who is also a counselor (woman) who is totally in agreement that telling will be the wrong thing.

 

What do they say about this husband unknowingly living with a tramp and wasting his life away when you have information that he deserves to have? "tought s##t"? "sucks to be him"?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Well, then I guess this poor husband has to go through life unknowingly living with a tramp.

 

And thats a sad thought.

 

Actually, knowing that 60% of people in the world are married to someone like this isn’t just sad ... but enough to make your skin crawl. Fortunately, Cagney stands a better chance of no longer being one of them ... or getting ‘stuck’ with this particular individual if he stays with the program and untangles his head from all the drama and angst rather than creating even more for himself.

 

NOT his baby to assume responsibility for. Let the real father of that child knock on the husband’s door and declare ownership if folks are looking for a martyr to step up and take responsibility for the mess this woman has gotten herself into. NOT Cagney’s marriage to get himself mixed up in the first place (never was). Their problems or that woman’s problems are NOT his responsibility to fix ... NOR what his councilor has been hired to do. If these folks need help via therapy ... than they are as free as Cagney (or anyone else) to seek help all on their own. Just like he did.

 

Meanwhile, it’s understandable why people who have been burned by folks like this in the past are frothing at the bit to see one of them finally get their comeuppance. I won’t even exclude myself from that group. However, I think it’s important to remember that revenge is a poor substitute for justice. In Cagney’s case (sorry Cagney) ... he knew for seven years that the woman he was involved with was married to someone else. And in all that time, nothing about their situation ever changed. He agree. He accepted. He made that choice all on his own. (Even if his little head was doing all the thinking for his big one.) And for seven years he was just a guilty of bamboozling that woman’s husband as she was. Didn’t care then ... and honestly doesn’t care all that much about the husband now aside from wanting revenge on someone for having gotten some of the same treatment he gave. NOT Cagney’s place to start behaving like her jealous husband since he isn’t nor ever was. And it’s absolutely ridiculous for others to try and use his anger against him and try to spin it as some sort of heroic act of honesty, courage, or paying penance for past misdeeds and “guilt trip” him into shooting his own foot off.

 

Better that Cagney count his blessings that he’s finally been extricated from this mess ... even if it took a swift boot to the ego to get him there. Seven years is a long time to spend conditioning yourself for this kind of relationship dysfunction, and it may take just as long for him to get his head clear and finally learn what a healthy relationship and partner is suppose to be all about. Unfortunately , he’s unlikely find that on this particular forum.

 

Meanwhile, no need for him to walk back into the fire so that others can seek their own vengeance vicariously through him. HIS life ... his choice ... his consequences to accept and eventually come to terms with.

[Cagney]

I made no reference that either a man or a woman is more likely to keep you safe. As far as keeping you a paying patient, well, as the saying goes, you never do know!

 

Actually you DID make that reference.

You said "Is your counselor a woman? That is not a common thing for a counselor to say, except to keep their meal tic- I mean, their client safe!"

 

That's a clear reference that if it's a woman, then her motive would be keeping her meal ticket safe.

 

I understand that it's a weird thing ... but that's what you wrote. If you didn't mean it, or mis-stated yourself, that's one thing, but you can't un-write what you wrote.

 

So either you didn't mean to write that ???

Or you did mean it but now you don't want to stand behind what you wrote ???

[Cagney]

 

By the way, you say that they suggest that telling would be the wrong thing, based on what? Possible physical harm?

 

Physical harm is a very definite possibility. That's already been mentioned in this thread.

 

He has been violent in the past. And I think it's a definite possibility that this could trigger some dangerous reaction.

 

But even still. there are many issues in this decsion and no ONE possibility has outweighed all the others, yet.

[Cagney]

Actually, knowing that 60% of people in the world are married to someone like this isn’t just sad ... but enough to make your skin crawl. Fortunately, Cagney stands a better chance of no longer being one of them ... or getting ‘stuck’ with this particular individual if he stays with the program and untangles his head from all the drama and angst rather than creating even more for himself.

 

NOT his baby to assume responsibility for. Let the real father of that child knock on the husband’s door and declare ownership if folks are looking for a martyr to step up and take responsibility for the mess this woman has gotten herself into. NOT Cagney’s marriage to get himself mixed up in the first place (never was). Their problems or that woman’s problems are NOT his responsibility to fix ... NOR what his councilor has been hired to do. If these folks need help via therapy ... than they are as free as Cagney (or anyone else) to seek help all on their own. Just like he did.

 

Meanwhile, it’s understandable why people who have been burned by folks like this in the past are frothing at the bit to see one of them finally get their comeuppance. I won’t even exclude myself from that group. However, I think it’s important to remember that revenge is a poor substitute for justice. In Cagney’s case (sorry Cagney) ... he knew for seven years that the woman he was involved with was married to someone else. And in all that time, nothing about their situation ever changed. He agree. He accepted. He made that choice all on his own. (Even if his little head was doing all the thinking for his big one.) And for seven years he was just a guilty of bamboozling that woman’s husband as she was. Didn’t care then ... and honestly doesn’t care all that much about the husband now aside from wanting revenge on someone for having gotten some of the same treatment he gave. NOT Cagney’s place to start behaving like her jealous husband since he isn’t nor ever was. And it’s absolutely ridiculous for others to try and use his anger against him and try to spin it as some sort of heroic act of honesty, courage, or paying penance for past misdeeds and “guilt trip” him into shooting his own foot off.

 

Better that Cagney count his blessings that he’s finally been extricated from this mess ... even if it took a swift boot to the ego to get him there. Seven years is a long time to spend conditioning yourself for this kind of relationship dysfunction, and it may take just as long for him to get his head clear and finally learn what a healthy relationship and partner is suppose to be all about. Unfortunately , he’s unlikely find that on this particular forum.

 

Meanwhile, no need for him to walk back into the fire so that others can seek their own vengeance vicariously through him. HIS life ... his choice ... his consequences to accept and eventually come to terms with.

 

Wow Enigma! I read this very carefully, a couple of times.

I agree with all of it. Even the part that hurts. I did just exactly as you said for all those years.

[blind_otter]

If it were me in the H's shoes, I would want to know. And there is that whole Golden Rule concept "Do unto others as you'd have them do for you."

 

And I agree with s.o.c...how would the H know it was you if you sent an anonymous letter?

 

In any event, I've had 8 different mental health professionals in my life (, a lot I know)....none of them ever made my treatment conditional on anything, even cessation of drug use (which was my major issue). I've never heard of a therapist giving ultimatums to their client before, but hey different strokes.

[Cagney]

I fail to see how an anonymous letter, sent from a postal code well outside of yours, with enough facts to make it verifiable for the H could do any harm to anyone but the cheating bee-yotch. However, it could do WORLDS of good for her poor H. Oh, yeah - he may hurt for awhile, but in the long run it would save him much more heartache and wasted years with the tramp.

 

Did you write this after you read that he has been violent in the past?

 

Look, I know he can be dangerous. I can understand that you don't have the benefit of knowing how dangreous ... just knowing just that he can be violent should have some weight in your opinion???

 

Do you think some anonymous tip-off will prevent any violence on her?

 

An anonymous letter or phone call would only fool a stupid man. He is NOT stupid. It's a ridiculous notion that the husband would just walk around like a stupid ODIE (Garfield), not wondering who this tip-off came from, nor wondering who the OM is. First he would do some damage on her, and then later go after (maybe even obsessively) figuring out everything he possiblly could.

[Cagney]

If it were me in the H's shoes, I would want to know. And there is that whole Golden Rule concept "Do unto others as you'd have them do for you."

 

And I agree with s.o.c...how would the H know it was you if you sent an anonymous letter?

 

In any event, I've had 8 different mental health professionals in my life (, a lot I know)....none of them ever made my treatment conditional on anything, even cessation of drug use (which was my major issue). I've never heard of a therapist giving ultimatums to their client before, but hey different strokes.

 

I never said anything about "conditional" nor "ultimatums".

I already replied on this once before.

[Cagney]

If it were me in the H's shoes, I would want to know. And there is that whole Golden Rule concept "Do unto others as you'd have them do for you."

 

I'd want to know too. But I wouldn't be violent.

 

When you know that violence is very possible, then the golden rule is not just an absolute guideline such that other serious consequenses can be ignored.

[Cagney]

Hmmmmm.....?????

 

That's a good question and I've thought about it (already) ... mostly as my excuse to go ahead and blow the whistle now.

 

So you think I should risk violence NOW ...

because violence is a risk sooner or later anyway.

 

I don't want to risk violence now - and I wouldn't want it to happen later either.

[Owl]

Then you shouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place.

 

You risked it the moment the affair began.

 

Nothing changed that ever since.

 

The violence isn't going to happen because he was told...if it happens, its going to be because she cheated on him...again. Its a consequence of HER actions...not your choice to tell.

 

What did she expect to happen when she started any of these affairs?

[Cagney]

And so the little wifey doesn't know that violence is a possibility while she's f'ing numerous men NOT her H?

 

She most definitely knew about it.

So then THAT"S you're reason for telling?

[Cagney]

Then you shouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place.

 

Now there's the wisdom of 1000 years!

[Owl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Owl

Then you shouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place.

 

Now there's the wisdom of 1000 years!

 

 

True dat...don't you wish you'd have come here and talked with me YEARS ago??? :D :D

[Cagney]

The violence isn't going to happen because he was told...if it happens, its going to be because she cheated on him...again. Its a consequence of HER actions...not your choice to tell.

 

That won't make it OK to precipitate things.

[Cagney]

True dat...don't you wish you'd have come here and talked with me YEARS ago??? :D :D

 

So where the hell were you when I needed you?

[Owl]

Hey...wait a minute here.

 

You mentioned in your initial post that her H is going to find out any day now anyway about OM #2 (or whatever) because she's pregnant and going to be "showing soon".

 

That's going to precipitate things pretty quickly...no?

 

 

So this is all about to come out in the open...again...why not get your OWN part out in the open too?

 

 

You came here looking for "the right thing to do". Now you're getting a pretty concerted effort suggesting exactly that, and you're vehemently arguing against it. What is it you really want from posting here?

[JamesM]

Why is it Cagney's responsibility to tell the husband? He was involved...yes. So was she. He is no longer in her life because she "moved on."

 

While I think it is good because as a husband, we would all want to know if our wives were cheating, it does not mean that it is his mandated responsibility. If he chooses not to do so because he feels that he may feel some violent repercussions, then I say don't do it. We all know that even in domestic disputes, the policeman is in danger if he tries to interfere. Why? Because two people fighting suddenly realign with one another against the new perceived enemy.

 

So, it is with Cagney. If the husband suddenly decides his wife is worth keeping, he may take out his anger on the two OMs. Then Cagney is on his own and no one will be there defending him.

 

So, while I think he should tell, I also understand if he thinks violence will result. Then I say, use your own judgment.

 

Deriding his manhood and making him feel like he is morally or legally bound to reveal this woman's affairs simply because he was involved with her, IMO, is not correct.