Should I tell her husband?

[Cagney]

I.e. if you see someone being victimised and you can stop it, why bother?

 

I think that i.e.; means "in other words".

But your "other words" are YOUR'S not mine. And not what I meant.

 

I guess you would say "I can understand why you kept quiet - after all, it wasn't your problem".

 

No YOU would say that. I would NOT say that. Wouldn't even THINK it.

Where did I ever write anything like that?

 

I suppose you'll say that what you said was just a figure of speach,

but it's MORE. It's putting your own thoughts into other peoples mouths.

Edited March 1, 2008 by Cagney

[Darth Vader]

- Paternity fraud will NOT happen, I won't let it, no details on this forum.

 

And look Darth, I'm not a coward, and you can kiss my a** if you think I am, or if you think that calling me a fraidy cat will make one shred off difference in my decision.

 

I still haven't really decided to tell or not tell.

 

 

 

I don't have to look. I NEVER called you a coward or a fraidy cat!

 

As far as kissing your:lmao:, It'll be a very cold day in ----!

 

The fraud thing won't happen? Sounds like you have some sort of plan, well, it's better not to tell us then.

[Cagney]

As far as kissing your:lmao:, It'll be a very cold day in ----!

I know ... I didn't mean that.

Besides, we'd have to hold hands a little bit first

 

The fraud thing won't happen? Sounds like you have some sort of plan, well, it's better not to tell us then.

Thanks for understanding.

[roxistar]

You need to tell him, It would be stupid not to. This woman does not care for your feelings, her husband's feelings, let alone the new father of her baby's feelings. Worst of all, do you think she will care for her child's feelings? And when her Husband finds out about the baby and this other man what if he decides to stick it out with her? That means this man is putting his neck out for a child and a life he does not deserve. Or worse what if she never tells him about the 3rd guy?

Do you think this woman will stop cheating on him after that? Chances look like no. At least if you tell this man, he may be able to scrap up his dignity and honor and live the rest of his life without being lied to. Or he may be able to find someone again who wont lie to him.

If you were the Husband wouldnt you want to know?

[Cagney]

I've decided not to tell.

 

I appreciate everyone's feedback though. And FWIW here is a link that also helped me make this decision. It describes, fairly well, my reasons.

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#800080]http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/tenn/2005/02/15/wife_affair/[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

It's particularly helpful with the question, "doesn't he have a right to know?" which made it difficult for me to ferret through the complex motive for telling or not telling. I also had the benefit of two psychologists who agree that telling is wrong for me. And doing it though another, or a disguise is still the same thing.

 

I can tell you that he has kept track of me all along. He suspected me. Furthermore, I've seen her with her new bf several times, very foolishly easy to bust. Within hours of my first suspicion of her, I busted her with just a little effort. I wanted to know.

 

I'm not absolutely certain, but the evidence is that he knows, or definitely suspects, but stays and keeps her. I believe he is sadly afraid to face it without her. As if this way she's at least in the home each night. Many will say they would leave her if it were them. To that I say, good for you, I think I would too. But we're not him.

 

The road back to being honest may be simple ... just don't lie anymore.

Or it may be difficult because bad habits were formed over the long deceitful double secret life. Time will tell.

 

At any rate, I'm free of the affair. I'm hurting more than anything has ever hurt me in my life. I will miss her. She shot me down.

 

But I'm dismayed that I trusted her.

At first I thought it was like she left the planet, and some ugly thing crawled in to her skin. But the truth is more like, there was no real change, it's been her - all along. I fell for the eyes, the smile, the cute ass and really great sex.

 

But I WONT let this make me bitter or become a loser over this.

Now I can stop the lies and maybe in time I can find a great girl who is really free.

[Cagney]

In closing ... You might appreciate this thing that happened last week.

 

I was in a favorite club having dinner at the bar, sitting next to a really cute girl and her friend, both who were about to leave.

 

The bar tender asked if they were ready to cash-out and they said yes.

I said, “No, this ones gonna’ stay a little longer, so fill up her glass.“

And she smiled and agreed.

 

Within hours we were getting along well and it felt great!

 

Then she said, “But there is one thing that I have to tell you, and I hope it won’t scare you away”.

 

She’s married. You knew that, right!

 

But not happily married, and will soon get a divorce,

honestly and truly will get a divorce real soon.

And hasn’t had any sex for sooooo long.

 

So I’ve figured out that women can be a**holes too!

 

Yes! I DID turn her down and went home alone.

Edited March 2, 2008 by Cagney

[EnigmaXOXO]

Okay, the last story cracked me up. YES ... females can be players, too!

 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that people are actually consistent for the most part. A lot more predictable than we usually give them credit for. It’s our fooling ourselves into believing otherwise that leaves us in a state of shock once they’ve gone ahead and proved it.

 

When you really think about it ... have any of us actually changed all that much during the course of our relationships ... other than maybe getting a little bit smarter about who we choose to be with? And if you look back over your past relationships, wasn’t the person you left the SAME person you met (absent all the excuses you once made for yourself and them)??

 

Or maybe it's just me.

 

...So how much does that theropist of your's charge (???)

[Cagney]

Okay, the last story cracked me up. YES ... females can be players, too!

 

But she said something as I left and it keeps haunting me.

She said, If you don't do this, you'll regret it when your older

 

dooooh!

[Cagney]

...So how much does that theropist of your's charge (???)

 

 

The shrink is $150 per hour, and I think I'll make last week the last vist.

 

I got the main point from the visits though:

When I knew it was bad for me, years ago, why didn't I quit then?

 

Me: (my first try at the question) I loved her!

Doc: But you knew it was bad for you.

Me: OK then, I didn't want to hurt her!

Doc: But you knew it was bad for you.

Me: OK, she kept promising me - I thought it would get good for me

Doc: OK this is getting lame.

Me: OK, she has a really nice ass! And she's very naughty.

Doc: Very funny, but you still knew it was bad for you.

Me: OK, I have this deep seated weakness that I need to understand.

Doc: Now we're getting somewhere, times up though, see you next week.

 

BTW - they were 50 minute hours.

Edited March 2, 2008 by Cagney

[Darth Vader]

I know ... I didn't mean that.

Besides, we'd have to hold hands a little bit first

 

 

I don't swing that way!:sick::sick:

[White Flower]

In closing ... You might appreciate this thing that happened last week.

 

I was in a favorite club having dinner at the bar, sitting next to a really cute girl and her friend, both who were about to leave.

 

The bar tender asked if they were ready to cash-out and they said yes.

I said, “No, this ones gonna’ stay a little longer, so fill up her glass.“

And she smiled and agreed.

 

Within hours we were getting along well and it felt great!

 

Then she said, “But there is one thing that I have to tell you, and I hope it won’t scare you away”.

 

She’s married. You knew that, right!

 

But not happily married, and will soon get a divorce,

honestly and truly will get a divorce real soon.

And hasn’t had any sex for sooooo long.

 

So I’ve figured out that women can be a**holes too!

 

Yes! I DID turn her down and went home alone.

 

Oh, Cagney! So sorry to hear that yet another MW was attracted to you. I hope you find a SW real soon.

 

I must say that you've done your homework and this thread is full of evidence that you thought it all through by seeking advice of professionals as well as strangers at LS. It is refreshing to see a convo go from beginning to conclusion. Thanks, Cagney.

[twice_shy]

In closing ... You might appreciate this thing that happened last week.

 

I was in a favorite club having dinner at the bar, sitting next to a really cute girl and her friend, both who were about to leave.

 

The bar tender asked if they were ready to cash-out and they said yes.

I said, “No, this ones gonna’ stay a little longer, so fill up her glass.“

And she smiled and agreed.

 

Within hours we were getting along well and it felt great!

 

Then she said, “But there is one thing that I have to tell you, and I hope it won’t scare you away”.

 

She’s married. You knew that, right!

 

But not happily married, and will soon get a divorce,

honestly and truly will get a divorce real soon.

And hasn’t had any sex for sooooo long.

 

So I’ve figured out that women can be a**holes too!

 

Yes! I DID turn her down and went home alone.

 

Good for you! Yes, that old, "I'm married, but not happily" load of bunk.

They may not be happy in their marriage more than likely because they are not fit to be married. Some people just can't handle being with the same person for the rest of their life.

 

Others can.

[White Flower]

But she said something as I left and it keeps haunting me.

She said, If you don't do this, you'll regret it when your older

 

dooooh!

What a player!

[Woggle]

I get married women hitting on me all the time as well and I turn them down everytime. I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot poll even if I were single. I wish all men would just stop giving women like this the time of day.

[Owl]

Cagney, I didn't want to post advice to your situation further on Stamp's thread, so copied this and brought it to yours:

 

Originally Posted by allbetternow

I'm usually just an observer.

I find it kind of weird how SD is defended out here smetimes. I guess that is what SD is looking for or would not be on LS. I had to post here because I think any time you are an OM/OW, you are putting your children at risk, because of what it does to you emotionally, and because even the most even tempered MM or MW could snap when discovering an A, so particularly in this case, when SD has posted in prior posts that the child has met the MW, I think this is neglectful... what happens when the MW's H comes looking for SD and the child / children are there?

 

Just my two cents, I don't know SD either, sure he is a fine person, but have been following some of these stories and just think for someone who knows only what they have read on posts, it is strange to claiim that you know he is a "great father". I am not trying to be critical. I just think people minimize sometimes how the children are impacted by all of this.

 

Very good question ... at least from MY viewpoint!

 

This thread is mostly about Stamp calling the husband to tell about his affair.

 

Should I (or other OMs) do the same thing as Stamp?

If I tell the H, then my grown children will definitely learn about my secret affair that is now finally ended.

 

So I'm really wondering now how Stamp's children are dealing with this?

 

I agree with this poster, that bringing the kids into the thing was not a good idea.

 

 

 

When you were in your affair, did you give any thought to the possible outcomes/consequences of the affair? Did you ever think about the "what if's" and consider that your kids would find out?

 

What is the downside/impacts of your kids knowing about the affair?

 

Do you see this as a consequence of them finding out, or do you see this as a consequence of having an affair to begin with?

[Cagney]

When you were in your affair, did you give any thought to the possible outcomes/consequences of the affair? Did you ever think about the "what if's" and consider that your kids would find out?

 

Of course. Those questions weighed heavily on me throughout the affair, it was a source of shame and a lot of anxiety.

 

What is the downside/impacts of your kids knowing about the affair?

 

Do you see this as a consequence of them finding out, or do you see this as a consequence of having an affair to begin with?

 

Serious dissapointment for them, they have been deceived by their own father. But that is being dealt with now, there are recent new developments

[Owl]

But these things weren't sufficient to cause you to reconsider/end your affair?

[Cagney]

But these things weren't sufficient to cause you to reconsider/end your affair?

 

Why not read more of the thread, or at least the opening post.

[Cagney]

FWIW to any of the fine members here.

 

One huge part of this is over with.

 

I spoke to my grown children and told them the truth.

I told them what I've been up to for these past years, but asked them to please not press me - to reveal who she is.

 

I had this idea that they would be totally dismayed with me - like I'm some kind of serial freak in a secret life. But they were understanding and forgiving.

 

My daughter - a joker - hugged me and said this explains why I never brought a GF to any family things. She was starting to worry that I might be gay!. She asked if I could now find a gf to bring to the next Sunday dinner. She even reminded me that this won't get me out of doing the cooking.

 

I don't know what to say.

[Owl]

LOL...sounds to me like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders.

 

She gave good advice, too.

 

You made a mistake, you've learned from it...drive on and live your life with the lessons you've learned the hard way going forward.

[gspgal]

Cagney: First of all, congrats on being strong enough to make a change, and BIGGER congrats to talking openly and honestly with your children about the situation. Believe it or not, I've read the entire thread, and I really do believe that part of your healing process will be moving through the truth of what happened with the ones in your life that mean the most to you: receiving forgiveness and understanding from them will likely make it easier to give yourself the same.

 

I do have a question about many of the replies that have been posted that I would like to throw out there: so many people have said you shouldn't tell the H specifically because you were once the OM for this woman so you have no place to be honest to the H now. This confuses me. What if you hadn't been the OM, what if you were just a friend of the family that knew what was going on: should you tell then? If so, it's the fact that you were the OM that makes it inappropriate to tell. Is that trying to imply that because you were a guilty party you have no right to act differently now?

 

I guess my question is this: let's say it wasn't an A in question, let's say it was drugs. Perhaps someone was a user for 7 years: they knew it was wrong, even illegal. They made the choice to take the first hit, but down the road they was dealing with a physical addiction. Now they're finally getting clean: they've been through rehab and they're seeing a counsellor. Withdrawal is tough, but they're making it through. In that position, if that person see someone selling or using drugs, they shouldn't report it just because they used to use?

[Cagney]

Cagney: First of all, congrats on being strong enough to make a change, and BIGGER congrats to talking openly and honestly with your children about the situation. Believe it or not, I've read the entire thread, and I really do believe that part of your healing process will be moving through the truth of what happened with the ones in your life that mean the most to you: receiving forgiveness and understanding from them will likely make it easier to give yourself the same.

 

I do have a question about many of the replies that have been posted that I would like to throw out there: so many people have said you shouldn't tell the H specifically because you were once the OM for this woman so you have no place to be honest to the H now. This confuses me. What if you hadn't been the OM, what if you were just a friend of the family that knew what was going on: should you tell then? If so, it's the fact that you were the OM that makes it inappropriate to tell. Is that trying to imply that because you were a guilty party you have no right to act differently now?

 

I guess my question is this: let's say it wasn't an A in question, let's say it was drugs. Perhaps someone was a user for 7 years: they knew it was wrong, even illegal. They made the choice to take the first hit, but down the road they was dealing with a physical addiction. Now they're finally getting clean: they've been through rehab and they're seeing a counsellor. Withdrawal is tough, but they're making it through. In that position, if that person see someone selling or using drugs, they shouldn't report it just because they used to use?

 

I understand your question and what you've asked is part of why I had a hard time with my decsion.

 

This article helped some: tp://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/tenn/2005/02/15/wife_affair/

 

And here's an excerpt:

The ethical reason might be put like this: When rescuing a baby from a fire, it doesn't matter what your motives are -- you may be just showing off, but it's still a good thing. The baby was an innocent party in peril, whose need for rescue was clear and unambiguous. Your situation is different. Adults in personal relationships knowingly assume certain risks, among which is that they may be deceived by their partners. Unlike babies, they are not innocent and helpless creatures to whom we owe a duty of protection. You may feel because of your connection to this woman that you owe her some duty of protection. But your connection to her is not personal and direct; it is only proximate. If you were ethically bound to tell her, then why wouldn't you be ethically bound to become an informer on your neighbors to whom you are also proximate, noting every infraction in a detailed record that you could turn over to the authorities? You might say that the authorities deserved to know the secret activities of those living under their jurisdiction, because of possible harm that might come as a result.

 

I understand that you might see this as a dodge on my part, even suspecting that I might be frightened about his retaliation against me. But in fact, I'm probably too far the OTHER way, spoiling for some drama, with a wreckless "bring it on" or "get it over with" attidude.

 

And there is also the very possible fear that he might seriously hurt his wife. To me, the fact that I knew that before (one of the reasons I kept our secret) is a bad reason risk getting her hurt now. Likewise, the notion that he might hurt her "later ... anyway" is also a a bad reason to precipitate any violence now.

[Cagney]

I'd like to add that I think that most of the posters here, myself included, are bound to be biased one way or another. Most of us are eithe cheaters or betrayed spouses.

 

Betrayed Spouses will lean one way. (in general)

Cheating lovers will lean another way. (in general)

[gspgal]

Actually, I did read that article, and I disagree with the reasoning behind the ethical reason to not tell.

 

Ethics are what are considered 'socially acceptable' or norms if you will within the context of a specific social group (as compared to morals, which are more general "right or wrong, black or white" ideals that stretch across cultures and groups across humanity).

 

As an example, most people would agree that it is morally wrong to plan to kill someone and then do it. Within the context of the mafia, however, it can be ethical when based on what is socially acceptable within the group. It's still illegal and very likely immoral, but ethical from the perspective of the group. Or lying: most would say it is morally wrong to lie. Within the context of a group of undercover cops on the job, however, lying is ethical and expected.

 

As a side note, this is why many companies have 'corporate ethics' policies rather than 'corporate morals' policies...

 

So since ethics are determined based on a group-set, the ethics you follow are different based on the group you are interacting with. How you treat your neighbor (and how you're expected to treat your neighbor) is different from how you're expected to treat your family, for example.

 

In this situation, there really isn't an established ethical premise for how an OM is supposed to act when the MW cheats on him: hence the difficulty you've been facing.

 

As for the example the article gives "then why wouldn't you be ethically bound to become an informer on your neighbors to whom you are also proximate, noting every infraction in a detailed record that you could turn over to the authorities? You might say that the authorities deserved to know the secret activities of those living under their jurisdiction, because of possible harm that might come as a result." I'm pretty the neighborhood watch was established to do just that among other things. Not to mention it assumes that you have the same ethical obligation to the law, to your neighbors, and to your mistress. Since these all fall under different group sets, the ethics that apply to them may or may not be the same. The morals are the same, but not the ethics.

[Cagney]

Actually, I did read that article, and I disagree with the reasoning behind the ethical reason to not tell.

 

Ethics are what are considered 'socially acceptable' or norms if you will within the context of a specific social group (as compared to morals, which are more general "right or wrong, black or white" ideals that stretch across cultures and groups across humanity).

 

As an example, most people would agree that it is morally wrong to plan to kill someone and then do it. Within the context of the mafia, however, it can be ethical when based on what is socially acceptable within the group. It's still illegal and very likely immoral, but ethical from the perspective of the group. Or lying: most would say it is morally wrong to lie. Within the context of a group of undercover cops on the job, however, lying is ethical and expected.

 

As a side note, this is why many companies have 'corporate ethics' policies rather than 'corporate morals' policies...

 

So since ethics are determined based on a group-set, the ethics you follow are different based on the group you are interacting with. How you treat your neighbor (and how you're expected to treat your neighbor) is different from how you're expected to treat your family, for example.

 

In this situation, there really isn't an established ethical premise for how an OM is supposed to act when the MW cheats on him: hence the difficulty you've been facing.

 

As for the example the article gives "then why wouldn't you be ethically bound to become an informer on your neighbors to whom you are also proximate, noting every infraction in a detailed record that you could turn over to the authorities? You might say that the authorities deserved to know the secret activities of those living under their jurisdiction, because of possible harm that might come as a result." I'm pretty the neighborhood watch was established to do just that among other things. Not to mention it assumes that you have the same ethical obligation to the law, to your neighbors, and to your mistress. Since these all fall under different group sets, the ethics that apply to them may or may not be the same. The morals are the same, but not the ethics.

 

It's not clear to me if you're saying that I'm obligated to tell

or not obligated to tell.

 

Please understand that the threat of his contracting an STD is non-existant.

Also, the threat of his being duped as the father will not happen.

Both of the above I will not explain, so if you could a least accept that premise and help me understand why you think what you do.

 

Not challenging you but truley looking for something to go on.