Should I tell her husband?

[White Flower]

...There is a differnece between truth and cowardice.

 

The reason you are even now starting to question things is because ighs heavily on your heart. You thought you was the only one you loved but now you see through her duplicity. You see her lies and BS for what it really is.

 

It's not called revenge it's called being honest. The truth is not overrated.

 

Most of these posters who said not to tell are cowards who can not own up to responsibility and have had affairs themselves plain and simple.

 

Dont tell out of revenge, Tell out of truth and remorse and absolution of your transgressions against the man.

 

You willingly played your part in the demise of his marriage but coveting his wife.

 

Be a real man.

 

Tell the truth. Then disappear, what do you have to loose by doing so?

 

Absolutely nothing!

Chrome, you can't really put a blanket personality on all or most WPs. I believe in telling when there is important info such as STDs or pregnancy or even a serial situation. But a one time thing that teaches a valuable lesson for the WP doesn't always need revealing. And the original post was not necessarily the 'demise of the M'--it was already having problems to begin with.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome, you can't really put a blanket personality on all or most WPs. I believe in telling when there is important info such as STDs or pregnancy or even a serial situation. But a one time thing that teaches a valuable lesson for the WP doesn't always need revealing. And the original post was not necessarily the 'demise of the M'--it was already having problems to begin with.

 

Your right, I really cant make blanket statements but most cheaters are notorious liars, no one ever willingly admits when theyre at fault.

 

This guy has been in the affair for YEARS!!!!!! one time my ass!!!

 

He contributed to the downfall of the marriage, If the Marriage had problems he damn sure wasnt the one to fix them! All he did was make it sseriously worse! and the more he stayed the more he made it deteriorate!

 

And for his part in it, that's why he should come clean. What does he have to loose?

[White Flower]

 

And for his part in it, that's why he should come clean. What does he have to loose?

 

I think he stands to lose his dignity if he comes off as a guy who is only telling out of a sense of revenge. If he shows true concern about a pregnancy or STD or something that could physically or financially devastate the MP than he doesn't lose much except future contact with the MW.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think the H ought to know, because I can imagine what this MW intends to do: pass the baby off as his, and have him support her and the child in the manner to which she is accustomed, all while continuing to cuckold him in his own home.

 

The important thing is how to tell him. IMO, the best way to tell him in such a way that his anger is focused primarily where it belongs (on her) is to go about it anonymously. A note to his office, or a registered letter (one that he has to sign for) saying simply... "Your wife is having an affair and is pregnant. You will want to do a DNA test to determine who the father is."

 

If you include yourself, all you will manage to do is have the H displace his anger on you, and MW will use that to her advantage against you.

[White Flower]

I think the H ought to know, because I can imagine what this MW intends to do: pass the baby off as his, and have him support her and the child in the manner to which she is accustomed, all while continuing to cuckold him in his own home.

 

The important thing is how to tell him. IMO, the best way to tell him in such a way that his anger is focused primarily where it belongs (on her) is to go about it anonymously. A note to his office, or a registered letter (one that he has to sign for) saying simply... "Your wife is having an affair and is pregnant. You will want to do a DNA test to determine who the father is."

 

If you include yourself, all you will manage to do is have the H displace his anger on you, and MW will use that to her advantage against you.

Excellent strategy, LB!

[nadiaj2727]

Hi OP. I think honesty is always the best policy. Now that the affair is over, you can live in the light, and it will feel better than being deceptive. I am sure her husband would want to know (even if your motivation is revenge) about a seven year affair. Best wishes.

[BerryAire]

I could be completely off base here, but reading your post makes me wonder if she was having the affairs in order to get pregnant. She wanted a baby from you but because you weren't willing to help her out there, she found someone who could. Perhaps she and the husband tried to get pregnant but were unable so she tried to find other ways to have a baby. I bet she'll forever keep her affairs a secret from her oblivious husband and he'll sign off on the birth certificate to another man's child.

 

I'll go against the majority and say that I think you should tell the husband. He could wind up paying childsupport for the next 18+ years on a child that was never his to begin with. If you're afraid of him coming after you, what about finding an annonymous way to tell him she's pregnant with another man's child and let her clean up her own mess after that?

 

To me it seems more important knowing a child is now involved and this husband could be terribly deceived.

 

Edited to say that I should have read the posts better. Poster LucreziaBorgia said everything I was trying to say a lot simpler.

[Woggle]

Why are you shocked that a cheater eventually ended up cheating on you? What did you expect when dating a married a woman?

 

I would have a phone conversation about it and record it so the husband has proof then tell him. Both if you can ditch her and get her out of your lives.

[nadiaj2727]

I would have a phone conversation about it and record it so the husband has proof then tell him. Both if you can ditch her and get her out of your lives.

 

I agree with Woggle that if you tell him, you should have proof, as he might not believe you otherwise.

[Cagney]

Thanks for all your posts to my initial question.

I decided to keep quiet. To do otherwise will only add to the damage already done.

[Chrome Barracuda]

And another coward runs away!!!!

 

YAY!!!!

 

lol.

[OpenBook]

Cagney, I don't think you should tell her H, for two compelling reasons:

 

(1) It's not your responsibility to tell -- that ball is in her court.

 

(2) The most important thing in this whole mess is that little baby, regardless of the circumstances of its making. If you tell, you will endanger the child's life.

[OpenBook]

I decided to keep quiet. To do otherwise will only add to the damage already done.

 

I think you made the right decision.

[Mino]

Hi, I think you should tell, Think about it. In an 18 year period, how much money that will be for her BS , I say over $100,000 plus college. I like the reistered letter, or maybe even a phone call, dial *67, so it cant be traced. But I think that would be the least you can do at this point for her husband, just sickening how someone should pay the next 18 years, He deserves to know this child is not his. Put yourself in his shoes, would you want to know? They are right, once he signs the BC, he is done!!! I think in some states, they dont even need a BC , if the child is born in the marriage, he is screwed. That happened to someone I know, payed child support for 3 children, and only one was his. He was military and every time he came home from the war, w was pregnant. When they D, he payed till all were 18. Had too, cause they were born during the m . Do the right thing, TELL

[EnigmaXOXO]

I decided to keep quiet. To do otherwise will only add to the damage already done.

 

I agree that it was a GOOD decision.

 

Whether you realize it or not ... it isn’t only about getting revenge. It’s also a way of insuring you stay connected to the object of your obsession (in whatever way) and remain a tangible part of her life despite feeling unimportant, forgotten and ignored by her right now. That’s all a part of the addictive cycle you’re trying to break free of. So don’t be tricked into thinking this is going to help speed up your recovery in any way. It’ll only set your progress back and put you smack in the middle of the emotional storm all over again.

 

Stick with the counseling and try to find healthier things to occupy your time and thoughts. Of course, every now and then (in those quiet moments) you’re going to slide back a little .... but don’t act on it, just keep it in your head. With time and distance it will happen less frequently. Eventually, you’ll feel completely ambivalent towards her and won’t give a rat’s ayas how her life and marriage has turned out.

 

As a matter of fact, one day you’ll probably look back on these posts and won’t even recognize the man you had once been reduced too.

 

Good luck, and stay the course!

[Cagney]

I agree that it was a GOOD decision.

 

Whether you realize it or not ... it isn’t only about getting revenge. It’s also a way of insuring you stay connected to the object of your obsession (in whatever way) and remain a tangible part of her life despite feeling unimportant, forgotten and ignored by her right now. That’s all a part of the addictive cycle you’re trying to break free of. So don’t be tricked into thinking this is going to help speed up your recovery in any way. It’ll only set your progress back and put you smack in the middle of the emotional storm all over again.

 

Stick with the counseling and try to find healthier things to occupy your time and thoughts. Of course, every now and then (in those quiet moments) you’re going to slide back a little .... but don’t act on it, just keep it in your head. With time and distance it will happen less frequently. Eventually, you’ll feel completely ambivalent towards her and won’t give a rat’s ayas how her life and marriage has turned out.

 

As a matter of fact, one day you’ll probably look back on these posts and won’t even recognize the man you had once been reduced too.

 

Good luck, and stay the course!

 

This is right on point. It IS an obsession and an addiction.

There is some sick little thing that wants to hang on in ANY way possible.

But I won't act on it, it will cause more trouble than already exists.

 

Interesting:

The whole affair was the two of us on our "A" game and almost like 7 years of cocain. I journaled myself dozens of times over the 7 years;

"End this, it's wrong, and unhealty etc., etc."

 

Now my counselor asks the question:

"If you knew it was unhealthy all those years (even writing it to yourself) then what weakness in you kept you from man-ing up and walking away?" "Is it low self esteem? Is it this? Is it that? What's WRONG with you?"

 

I hated that psyco-babble (at first), because I insisted that I loved the girl and she loved me too. But I finally realized the counselor is right on. Why didn't I act in my own best interest early on? I let the girl string me along with broken promises for 7 years! I let it happen! Like a laboratory rat getting another taste after tase of an addictive substance. Now there is this withdrawal ... and it's painful. If I could just talk to her on the phone for 1 minute ... the pain goes away for a couple of hours ... but then it just comes back again. I know that cold turky is best.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The whole affair was the two of us on our "A" game and almost like 7 years of cocain.

 

It’s funny that you would say that. You’re closer to being right on the mark than you think! There is both a chemical and psychological component to relationship addictions ... and it’s been compared to “cocain”.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/10/09/end.relationship/index.html

[Cagney]

It’s funny that you would say that. You’re closer to being right on the mark than you think! There is both a chemical and psychological component to relationship addictions ... and it’s been compared to “cocain”.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/10/09/end.relationship/index.html

 

Yep! I followed your link and read it. Right on.

 

I've learned that the hypothalamus secretes petide swarms into the blood that have special receptors that enable them to attach to and please/tickle nearly every cell in the body (that brand new ... I'm in love feeling) and it slows down painlessly and normally as the two get accustomed to each other.

 

But in the constant "A" game, the peptide swarms continue. But then after a long stint followed by cold turkey withdrawal, the pain of comming down is intense. Sleeplessness, chast pain, confusion, and in some cases serious physical damage if the chronic anxiety goes on too long.

 

One phone call with a sweet "how are you" or a nasty one with "leave me the hell alone" is like one more snort. It just means you almost have to start all over again with the withdrawal.

 

But the cheater (the dumper) ... that one is in love all over again ... is feeling no pain at all ... and doesn't quite understand why the the dumpee is hurting and can't move on so easily.

 

Empires rise and fall, even homicides happen ... and of course, relentless stalking ... doing anything to keep some connection alive.

 

There's no way out of the pain ... except maybe the next love object.

 

Like that old saying ... the best way to get over a guy is to get under the next one. Or for a guy, to get on top of the next girl

[Cobra_X30]

This is right on point. It IS an obsession and an addiction.

There is some sick little thing that wants to hang on in ANY way possible.

But I won't act on it, it will cause more trouble than already exists.

 

I'm really on the fence about all this.

 

I understand your desire to protect yourself, but on some level you really owe it to this guy to provide him the heads up.

 

You have the information that care spare him a lifetime of hurt... and you can do it before it's too late.

 

However, I know that there is an element of danger involved for you. So, while I think it's cowardly, I can't really fault you for keeping her lies.

[Cagney]

I'm really on the fence about all this.

 

I understand your desire to protect yourself, but on some level you really owe it to this guy to provide him the heads up.

 

You have the information that care spare him a lifetime of hurt... and you can do it before it's too late.

 

However, I know that there is an element of danger involved for you. So, while I think it's cowardly, I can't really fault you for keeping her lies.

 

I understand what you mean. But I now believe she'll leave her husband before she starts showing. But if she starts showing and continues to stay with him then MAYBE she's lied to him, maybe not. Then I guess I'll be weiging this decsion then, again, but for different reasons.

 

And FWIW, I'm NOT so much afraid to do this (maybe I should be). I've wanted to come out of the closet all along but she kept asking me to wait. I've wanted her to get the courage to end that marriage, knowing it would be a sh*t storm to weather. What I'm saying is, it's really NOT so much that I'm afraid of his wrath, but it just seems like such a chickensh*t thing to do after all the time I was a willing player!!!

 

I guess I agree that, except for that very unlikely possibility that she'll lie about who the dad is (which I now think she won't lie) ... only losers kiss and tell.

 

I've lost her. I have to move on. Keeping up ANY drama only prolongs my own withdrawal and pain.

 

I'm better off THIS way than I was THAT way.

And now I know I never would have gotten MY way.

 

I gotta' let it go!

[Cobra_X30]

I understand what you mean. But I now believe she'll leave her husband before she starts showing. But if she starts showing and continues to stay with him then MAYBE she's lied to him, maybe not. Then I guess I'll be weiging this decsion then, again, but for different reasons.

 

And FWIW, I'm NOT so much afraid to do this (maybe I should be). I've wanted to come out of the closet all along but she kept asking me to wait. I've wanted her to get the courage to end that marriage, knowing it would be a sh*t storm to weather. What I'm saying is, it's really NOT so much that I'm afraid of his wrath, but it just seems like such a chickensh*t thing to do after all the time I was a willing player!!!

 

I guess I agree that, except for that very unlikely possibility that she'll lie about who the dad is (which I now think she won't lie) ... only losers kiss and tell.

 

I've lost her. I have to move on. Keeping up ANY drama only prolongs my own withdrawal and pain.

 

I'm better off THIS way than I was THAT way.

And now I know I never would have gotten MY way.

 

I gotta' let it go!

 

Yeah, there are just so many unkowns here.

 

I think you should have some fear of telling her... not just of what may happen but of how it would affect your mental state as well! Which is something you seem to already be well aware of.

 

The only person in the whole equation who you absolutely know will lie and use people is her. Honestly, I'd have a hard time respecting a guy who is too dumb to see what she has been up to. However, I know how love can make a guy a total schmuck.

 

I don't agree with the whole mafia style "I don't want to be a rat" argument. Bad people win when nobody is willing to blow the whistle.

 

Plus in your case... you know what you did would not be viewed as the right thing by others. By telling the husband that's kind of like outing yourself publicly. That may set you free of any hidden guilts your bearing, and help you move on, or it might drag you right back into the drama.

 

Tough choice... but you have plenty of time to think it over. Whichever way you choose, Best of Luck to you!

[bentnotbroken]

You didn't lose what you never had and even though the decision is yours to make, to think that a lying repeat offender won't lie about something as big as this, is fantasy or just plain foggy thiking.

[Cagney]

to think that a lying repeat offender won't lie about something as big as this, is fantasy or just plain foggy thiking.

 

I don't think you read my last post entirely.

Edited February 23, 2008 by Cagney

[bentnotbroken]

I understand what you mean. But I now believe she'll leave her husband before she starts showing. But if she starts showing and continues to stay with him then MAYBE she's lied to him, maybe not. Then I guess I'll be weiging this decsion then, again, but for different reasons.

 

And FWIW, I'm NOT so much afraid to do this (maybe I should be). I've wanted to come out of the closet all along but she kept asking me to wait. I've wanted her to get the courage to end that marriage, knowing it would be a sh*t storm to weather. What I'm saying is, it's really NOT so much that I'm afraid of his wrath, but it just seems like such a chickensh*t thing to do after all the time I was a willing player!!!

 

I guess I agree that, except for that very unlikely possibility that she'll lie about who the dad is (which I now think she won't lie) ... only losers kiss and tell.

 

I've lost her. I have to move on. Keeping up ANY drama only prolongs my own withdrawal and pain.

 

I'm better off THIS way than I was THAT way.

And now I know I never would have gotten MY way.

 

I gotta' let it go!

 

 

 

I read it entirely. She is a lying repeat cheater, who should be outed, JMO.

[EnigmaXOXO]

There's no way out of the pain ... except maybe the next love object.

 

Like that old saying ... the best way to get over a guy is to get under the next one. Or for a guy, to get on top of the next girl

 

Which is exactly what she is still doing. Jumping from one affair into the other for her sex/love junkie fix. Exactly why her life is spiraling out of control and she’ll eventually have to face some serious consequences when her world eventually comes crashing down.

 

Meanwhile, it’s not your baby either. So NOT your problem or responsibility at this point. Better to remain focused on sorting yourself out and remain as far away from her toxic life, marriage and relationships as you can get. As you have probably already figured out ... insanity can be contagious!