Should I tell her husband?

[Cagney]

gspgal:

 

I still love this woman. I can't get past the very real possibility that she would be hurt by him.

 

I'm angry too, but it would bring me ungody grief if I precipitated his violence toward her. I don't want to hurt her.

[gspgal]

Cagney, I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I'm in no position to tell you one way or the other whether you should tell the spouse. What I would do in the situation has no bearing on what you would, could, or should do.

 

My questions and comments were more to the general populous to see if *they* would clarify why they're specifically telling you *not* to tell the H. Many of them seemed to rely heavily on the fact that you were the OM and somehow implied that took away the option of telling, as if you had no 'right' to consider telling, and it's that point of view I don't understand. None of them responded, so I suppose it's a moot point anyways.

 

Regardless, I wish you a peaceful and complete recovery whatever course of action you choose.

 

ETA:

In response to this:

It's not clear to me if you're saying that I'm obligated to tell or not obligated to tell. Please understand that the threat of his contracting an STD is non-existant. Also, the threat of his being duped as the father will not happen.Both of the above I will not explain, so if you could a least accept that premise and help me understand why you think what you do. Not challenging you but truley looking for something to go on.

Honestly, I don't know what the 'right' thing is here. Going back to the morals vs. ethics track: I think telling is the right thing to do morally because you've said you would want to know yourself. "Do unto others" (aka make sure the energy you put out in the world is the same energy you want to receive back) is a common moral thread around the globe.

 

Ethically, however, might be a completely different story. There isn't an established ethics set when it comes to this situation, so there's no path of expected behavior.

 

I do feel, however, that the article's statement that telling would take away the MWs "opportunity" to be the one to tell her H is utter nonsense: if she hasn't fessed up in 7+ years, I'm not so sure she would ever willingly do so unless her hand was forced. That has nothing to do with the situation, it's just a human thing: once you've lived with any type of lie for so long, it's mentally easier to maintain the lie than to change the status quo by telling the truth.

Edited March 5, 2008 by gspgal

[Cagney]

WTF?!!!! You have very low standards, don't you?

 

 

Dear Crap,

 

Nice comment.

[Cagney]

Cagney, I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I'm in no position to tell you one way or the other whether you should tell the spouse. What I would do in the situation has no bearing on what you would, could, or should do.

 

My questions and comments were more to the general populous to see if *they* would clarify why they're specifically telling you *not* to tell the H. Many of them seemed to rely heavily on the fact that you were the OM and somehow implied that took away the option of telling, as if you had no 'right' to consider telling, and it's that point of view I don't understand. None of them responded, so I suppose it's a moot point anyways.

 

Regardless, I wish you a peaceful and complete recovery whatever course of action you choose.

 

ETA:

In response to this:

 

Honestly, I don't know what the 'right' thing is here. Going back to the morals vs. ethics track: I think telling is the right thing to do morally because you've said you would want to know yourself. "Do unto others" (aka make sure the energy you put out in the world is the same energy you want to receive back) is a common moral thread around the globe.

 

Ethically, however, might be a completely different story. There isn't an established ethics set when it comes to this situation, so there's no path of expected behavior.

 

I do feel, however, that the article's statement that telling would take away the MWs "opportunity" to be the one to tell her H is utter nonsense: if she hasn't fessed up in 7+ years, I'm not so sure she would ever willingly do so unless her hand was forced. That has nothing to do with the situation, it's just a human thing: once you've lived with any type of lie for so long, it's mentally easier to maintain the lie than to change the status quo by telling the truth.

 

I hear you and I can only say this decision is NOT easy.

 

"do unto others" ??? I think about that all the time.

I can honestly say that I would never hurt her, if I were the BS and somone told me. So I am different on that account. But if I had a history, as he does, then there might be some understandable hesitance from even my friends, if they knew my wife cheated on me.

 

If I could be assured that he would not hurt her, then I'd be more obligated to let him know what he really is entitlted to know.

 

On the other hand, when I get a little wine in me at night, I've come very close to making a call. The hatred and the anger really wells up. But I'm really afraid of what he'll do to her.

 

FWIW: I DO see an ethic thing here. I now belong to a subculture of society, one who has carried on an affair with a married woman. Granted, it's not the same as the mafia, but there is an ethic thing, sort of like, "only losers kiss and tell".

 

Now, for example, I had thrown in with the mafia, and then later on got righteous, only for having been cut out by someone tougher, I think my spidey senses would kick in and I would NOT turn rat! How's that for ethics?

 

Again, FWIW, I've read your posts, and very much appreciate your keen writing and especially your spidey senses. I understand that you are very understandably motivated to find out the truth about your suspicions about your husband.

 

I wish it was as easy for you to get the truth as it was for me.

Edited March 5, 2008 by Cagney

[gspgal]

FWIW: I DO see an ethic thing here. I now belong to a subculture of society, one who has carried on an affair with a married woman. Granted, it's not the same as the mafia, but there is an ethic thing, sort of like, "only losers kiss and tell".

 

Now, for example, I had thrown in with the mafia, and then later on got righteous, only for having been cut out by someone tougher, I think my spidey senses would kick in and I would NOT turn rat! How's that for ethics?

The ethics vs morals things has always intrigued me after I took a class on it: we watched The Godfather, which is chock full of great examples. Like, it's OK (read ethical) to kill someone when ordered by the Don but not ok (not ethical) to kill someone without the Don's order. Or the classic scene when the baby is being baptized and Pacino is swearing to foresake all evil in the church while at the same time his men are following his orders by gunning down his sister's husband: two *very* different sets of ethics being observed by the same person at the same time. Talk about compartmentalization!

 

Again, FWIW, I've read your posts, and very much appreciate your keen writing and especially your spidey senses. I understand that you are very understandably motivated to find out the truth about your suspicions about your husband.

 

I wish it was as easy for you to get the truth as it was for me.

Don't ask me why this made me tear up, but it did. I appreciate you well-wishes; hopefully we will each find the peace we deserve.

[Cagney]

She lost her baby.

She's still with her husband and yet is still carrying on with her new BF.

I suspect she's telling her new BF how much she loves him and assuring him that one day she'll end her marriage for him, but until she get's busted or pregnant again, she'll be too much of a coward to tell the truth.

 

I know this sounds stupid to many, yet understandable to others, but I was so much in love with her that the pain of losing her is still bad. I hate her and love her and I miss her. I have no right to feel betrayed (I was a willing participant, in betraying her husband), but I feel that way anyway. But don't misunderstand, I'd never go back into that!

 

Our affair lasted 7 years. Then about a year ago, I began turning up the pressure, that she must finally make a decision, or I'll leave her. After about 6 months of that pressure, and several attempts on my part to go NC, she just found another lover. She claimed she was finally going NC too, saying the NC was "about us", and it would give her the needed incentive to finally end her marriage.

 

Each day I still anguish over telling the husband. I now know that my biggest reason for telling would be to hurt her, stop her from getting away with this etc etc. But so far, I lean toward the idea that I'm OUT now and it's not my place. But even THAT is difficult to just decide and forget.

 

I've got to end this drama and move on.

She's a coward and the biggest liar I've ever known. She's obviously seriously disturbed. Something must have been wrong with me too, in order to stay in a relationship that I knew all along was wrong.

So why can't I just KNOW this and MOVE on?

 

At least I can say that it's better as each month goes by.

Edited March 11, 2008 by Cagney

[whichwayisup]

The best way not to have that drama in your life is to stop knowing what goes on in her life. What she does now and who she's with isn't any of your concern or business. Do NC in your head. Cut her out of your life in every possible way.

 

Knowing what she's doing, losing the baby etc, how do you know this information? Through friends? If so, tell them to stop telling you.

[Cagney]

 

The best way not to have that drama in your life is to stop knowing what goes on in her life.

 

... Do NC in your head. Cut her out of your life in every possible way.

 

 

I can see that is the very best and the quickest way to get through this.

[Cagney]

You know ... I keep telling myself I should take the high road here.

I'm out now, so she's none of my business anymore etc.

 

But she made promises, and lied and led me on for 7 years. Then, she coldly and ruthlessly started up another affair with not one word of sorry and no explanation. Just hid behind a phone like an absolute coward.

 

I'd be very very surprized if I did that to a woman and she just waltzed out, philosphically and took the high road. No! I'd be expecting some grief from her.

[Darth Vader]

You know ... I keep telling myself I should take the high road here.

I'm out now, so she's none of my business anymore etc.

 

But she made promises, and lied and led me on for 7 years. Then, she coldly and ruthlessly started up another affair with not one word of sorry and no explanation. Just hid behind a phone like an absolute coward.

 

I'd be very very surprized if I did that to a woman and she just waltzed out, philosphically and took the high road. No! I'd be expecting some grief from her.

 

 

That's why she's a cake eater!

[Owl]

Cagney, I'm curious...and this really is an honest question, its not an attack or an attempt to bring down fire.

 

I know that part of the 'affair addiction' is the addiction to the excitment and drama that goes along with the affair.

 

Do you think that your conflict over telling her H or not could stem around a need/desire to continue that 'drama/excitement'?

 

I'm asking because after reading your posts, you don't seem to feel that you "owe" her or her H anything (and I'm not saying you do)...so I'm not sure what your motivation behind the ongoing conflict on telling is.

 

You seem almost stuck in that conflict...and by proxy, still 'attached to the affair' more than anything else.

 

Or could it be remaining conflict on her getting busted for having started a subsequent affair without any consequences for her actions?

 

Give this some thought...let me know what you think. Again, its not a bash or saying that you're in the wrong for anything at all...I'm just trying to get an idea on your thought processes, or help YOU work through what those thought processes are.

 

Make sense?

[Cagney]

Cagney, I'm curious...and this really is an honest question, its not an attack or an attempt to bring down fire.

 

I know that part of the 'affair addiction' is the addiction to the excitment and drama that goes along with the affair.

 

Do you think that your conflict over telling her H or not could stem around a need/desire to continue that 'drama/excitement'?

 

I'm asking because after reading your posts, you don't seem to feel that you "owe" her or her H anything (and I'm not saying you do)...so I'm not sure what your motivation behind the ongoing conflict on telling is.

 

You seem almost stuck in that conflict...and by proxy, still 'attached to the affair' more than anything else.

 

Or could it be remaining conflict on her getting busted for having started a subsequent affair without any consequences for her actions?

 

Give this some thought...let me know what you think. Again, its not a bash or saying that you're in the wrong for anything at all...I'm just trying to get an idea on your thought processes, or help YOU work through what those thought processes are.

 

Make sense?

 

No offense taken. You're right on point in fact.

 

No offense meant back at you but you've repeated points that I've already offered up (against myself -so to speak) while I was honestly looking for feedback from anyone willing to share an opinion.

 

 

Let's see ...

 

I know that part of the 'affair addiction' is the addiction to the excitment and drama that goes along with the affair.

 

Do you think that your conflict over telling her H or not could stem around a need/desire to continue that 'drama/excitement'?

 

Absolutely ... I plead guilty.

 

Or could it be remaining conflict on her getting busted for having started a subsequent affair without any consequences for her actions?

 

Absolutely ... again, I plead guilty.

 

Or how about "Revenge" ???

I plead guilty to that too.

 

Or- "He has a right to know", and obviously, I'm the only one who'd tell him. Even though he's not my bud, I feel bad for the guy.

I plead guilty to that too.

 

But here's one I haven't really mentioned to anyone and it's the ONE thing that I can't shake loose!

 

She WILL get busted! Not IF, but WHEN.

When she does, the husband (who has supected ME for 7 years) will be shocked that it's NOT ME, but some OTHER dude!

 

The husband will ask, " I thought it was Cagney???" I guarantee it!

She will NOT be inclined to cover my ass, but will ONLY cover her own tail.

Even if she were inclined to cover me, the husband will do his own detective work and eventually realize that I was #1 for 7 years and the # 2 guy after me.

 

My point is that I seriously think that it's only a matter of time before this all gets exposed. I would like toget out in front of it!

 

Or maybe this is just more rationalizing on my part?

Trying to figure out another lame excuse to get back at her?

 

It's hard to be objective about oneself.

 

I wish Mother Mary would visit me and say either,

"Let it be" ... or ... "Go ahead and spill the beans"

Edited March 13, 2008 by Cagney

[Darth Vader]

You're concerned about getting away from ground zero before the A-Bomb goes off!(so to speak)

 

Outta sight, outta mind, outta harms way!

 

She really must be flaunting this whole affair thing/s then! Doing everything but leaving photograghs and videotapes lying around!

[Owl]

Everything you talked about made perfect sense to me.

 

From my perspective, you've got two ways you can handle this.

 

You can either "let go"...and walk away, putting as much distance as possible between you, her, and her H. And the whole situation. You can work to make mental changes to stop dwelling on the what-ifs and the woulda/coulda/shoulda's. (I totally get how hard this is, and I know it can be done. As a former BS...I had to learn how to get through EXACTLY this in order to give my marriage any hope of recovery)

 

Or, you can "fire away". Resolve the conflict by getting it all out in the open. Tell her H everything you know, own up to your part in things, explain your reasons for 'clearing the air'...and THEN walking away.

 

I can see value in either approach.

 

I guess it really just boils down to you picking one of those two options, coming up with a gameplan (and you can get great advice here on LS) for EITHER option you choose...and then working your gameplan to completion.

 

Right now, you're at the decision making point. Nothing will get better until you make that choice. (or she gets busted in the interim...but then the management of how the exposure works is outta your hands).

 

Thanks for not taking my reflections earlier as any kind of personal thing against you. They weren't (and still aren't) any kind of judgement or attack on you at all.

[twice_shy]

You know ... I keep telling myself I should take the high road here.

I'm out now, so she's none of my business anymore etc..

 

Yup, its none of your business. Not your problem, even though you were part of the problem.

 

Just walk away, take the easy way out, and let this husband of hers continue on unknowingly being married to a complete skank. His problem right? Sucks to be him right? oh well.