Would anyone else put up with this or am I nuts?

[traveller991]

In a nutshell:

 

Long distance boyfriend (one year): 47 years old, Dominican, runs a bar, divorced, 2 kids

 

Me: ten years older, Vancouver, BC, has a business that runs itself so free to travel.

 

Met at the resort two years ago. Friends only although he tried to become intimate I wouldn't. Returned one year later, changed my mind, had a great time. That was December 2007. Went back down for a month in March, the month of June, 6 weeks Sept/Oct, four weeks this last December. He said he wanted to marry me, blah blah.

 

So in June we're out for dinner on my last night and the waitress is a gorgeous Dominican, legs to the armpits etc. So he takes his dinner napkin and folds it so it looks like a penis becoming erect and asks her if she knows what that is. She says yes, then tells him her boyfriend just died and she's looking for a new one. This takes place in Spanish so I only know what he told me. Then after he goes over to her workstation and has a fine old time leaving me at the table. I IGNORED THE BEHAVIOUR

 

In Oct he starts to do the same thing with a 26-year-old blonde American waitress and I got mad and told him to stop and grabbed the napkin. So instead he told her she looked sooooooooo sexy in her sundress. She gave me a funny look which I thought was pity.

 

In the bank in October he told the teller she should wear her hair back because it looked sexier that way. I said what was that all about and he told me and then told me the girl was his cousin. In the gas station he told a girl he knew she had lost weight and looked so sexy in her jeans. I was on the back of his motorbike and he didn't even introduce me.

 

He acuses me of being jealous, says women like to be complimented, it makes hem feel good, it's the Dominican way. I find it hurtful and embarrassing but is that just because I am insecure?

 

Aside from that I haven't heard from him in two and a half weeks which is so strange as before he always phoned or texted me every 3 or 4 days. I haven't phoned him as I want to keep my dignity at least but I am SUFFERING here!!!!

 

Would someone like to talk to me - I am lonely and heartbroken in Vancouver, BC.

 

There's lots more to the story by the way but I just wanted to start and see if anyone else would put up with this behaviour or just think it was funny because they're so secure they wouldn't need to get upset.

 

Thank you to all who respondse

[annieo]

Dump him! I know that sounds harsh, but he's 47, he isn't going to change. I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap for a second.

If my h (or even a guy I was just out on a date with, casual) pulled a stunt like that on me, I'd get up and walk out the door of the restaurant/bank.

If you ever do talk to him again, inform him that most women don't find the napkin erection the most charming and irresistible of come-ons. Jeeze!!

Again, dump him asap, if he hasn't already made the decision, which is why you haven't heard from him. If he's vamoosed, he's done you a favour.

[johan]

Some people would put up with it. You're not nuts. But you shouldn't tolerate it.

 

He's blaming his culture for his own disrespectful behavior. That's just an excuse and if it were true it would be hard to argue with. But no matter where he's from, a guy who is crazy about the one he's with will show her respect and won't pay attention to any other.

[sally4sara]

I guess we don't need to wonder why his marriage failed.

It sounds like he has no class. Its one thing to give compliments, but WTF is up with the napkin gag? How is that giving a compliment to someone? ewww.

[Touche]

It's so low-class in addition to being disrespectful. I wouldn't put up with it.

[EYECANDY000]

I dont know where he picked up on his dominican hositality but it is totally disrespectful. I would feel unwanted and jealous if I was in your shoes as well. The lonly solution I see is

 

(a) telling him he need to change his ways

(b) Dumping him

© help him work on it, and put up with it in the meantime

[traveller991]

Thanks, everyone. I guess I need to learn there's a difference between what a man says and how he acts (I'm very out of practice in dating). I suppose I just wanted to believe him and when we were together he was so charming and wonderful but hey we all know long distance relationships are hard to do. I have to laugh at myself sometimes, I pretend we go on the Dr. Phil show and he says so ... you're white, he's mixed, you speak English, he speaks Spanish, you're ten years older, you live 5,000 miles away, you own a private college, he runs a bar, he's poor, you're rich - so what in hell makes you think this is going to work? Can't you SEE he only wants your money????

 

Yeah, well, I just fell in love somehow I don't know what happened. He is not my usual type - shorter than me, shaved head, glasses, but the most incredible personality and loads of charm and acting sweet coupled with an incredible sex appeal (to me). I am embarrassed to say I gave him a LOT of money last year. Whenever we discussed money he would say that he would break up with me if I thought it was only the money he wanted because he wasn't a maggot. He said no one could make him have sex with me if he didn't want to and that he had a life before me and got along fine and could do so again if he had to. I gave him the money to help build a house and I don't regret it at all because at least his children will have something later - they're sweet kids.

 

I have met all his family and his friends and he takes me everywhere around town on his bike and everyone seems to love him. The workers at his hotel tell me how much he always talks about me and loves me, blah blah.

 

So our last couple of phone calls went like this. About two weeks ago he said he was sick and had been to the hospital 3 times with an intense allergic reaction (hives etc.) that they couldn't diagnose. He said he paid $100 for the medication and now they changed it and he needs another prescription. He didn't ask me for money and I didn't say I'd help him.

 

A few days later I called to see how he was and he was no better and asked if I could help him out, if not that was fine, he'd figure it out. So of course I sent him $500.00. Gulp.

 

Here's the weird thing. I phoned him after I had wired it, he was at work, and he asked me where I had sent the money from. I said what do you mean, from Canada of course. Then he said why don't you come up to the bar and have a drink? Take a motoconch. I said wouldn't that be wonderful, I laughed, he said he'd call me the next day and I've never heard from him again. Did he think I was down there or something? It makes NO sense.

 

I don't understand why he would kill the cash cow now when he knows I have a wedding in Punta Cana to go to in March and he was gong to come with me, then I would assumably go to his town for awhile afterwards where probaby I'd help him out again. I thought at first he was really sick but my son got angry and phoned down there asking for him when we knew it was his night off and they said he'd be back at work Friday.

 

I know I was stupid but I can't help but feel devastated and would like to know what anyone thinks about my next move so I can keep my dignity at least. He doesn't know I will be in his town for three weeks in March but once I arrive he will know in a matter of days.

 

Should I text him from here saying God knows what? Don't want to phone as if I hear his voice I will be even more upset. Just go and keep my vacation booking and not text him while I'm down there?

 

I don't know what to feel or what to think only that I feel miserable and angry and humiliated and all that that entails.

 

Any helpwould be most appreciated.

[annieo]

Chalk this one up to a learning experience. Do not contact him, while at home or when you get to the Dominican. He's a user, and he's been using you.

Again, I know I sound a little strident, but this guy is going to cause you nothing but pain, pain, pain. Don't make it worse by dragging it out.

And I really doubt you will get anything resembling the truth from him so don't bother trying. He sounds like a glib, coarse (not charming), selfish jerk.

Lick your wounds, feel like an idiot for awhile, and then move on, hopefully to someone worthy of you and everything you have to offer, and I am NOT talking about money. Any woman who is in a position to travel whenever she wants, is financially solvent and in charge of her own business, must have some serious skills. Hurray for you!!!

You deserve better.

[traveller991]

Thanks so much. This is my first time doing this and I spent a couple of hours reading threads about relationships, breakups, etc. Where was this stuff the last time I needed it? What astounds me is how so many beautiful women out there are dumped by guys - I always think it's because I'm older, a bit overweight, would never wear a bikini, etc. but it seems not to be true after all.

 

I ealize I have to move on etc. but it's so hard. Could I just ask you please what if anything do you make of his comments about me coming to the bar for a drink? I still wonder if he thought I was down there or something.

 

I know I shouldn't bother but it's niggling at me.

[annieo]

Please clarify, what's a motoconch? Is it an actual cab or something, or was he being funny?

Did you make it clear that you were in Canada (which is where I'm from - Toronto, please don't hate me, west coaster!!!) when you spoke with him?

I don't know that any of that makes any difference, in light of everything, but it sounds like you think that he thought you were there, didn't actually appear before him, so you think that he's pissed off or something. And this explains his lack of communication with you. Am I correct?

Anyway, little miscommunications aside, I still would put a big BEWARE sign over this guy's head.

And don't beat yourself up about weight/age, for God's sake. Like I said , so much going for you. Don't sell out.

[traveller991]

You're right, of course. It doesn't matter. Anyway knowing him if he thought I was mad at him or didn't want to see him he would text me 10 times in a row or keep calling until I answered. A motoconch is a scooter that you hire. Cab fare = $10.00, motoconch 90 cents. Scarey but fun.

 

What I think now is that he found someone else either while I was there or since I got home, got the money, and decided to not even thank me for it. Which is so unlike what I know of him, however ....

 

OK I'll never respond to him again, will try not to feel like it's all my fault because I'm old and try to get going again. I will go crazy trying to figure it out. Did he stop calling because he has a new woman and he knows I'll find out when I go back and he doesn't want to tell me? Is he really sick and pissed that I don't call to see how he is? Did he get eaten by a donkey? I shall try not to care.

 

Thank you so much for your kindness.

[HisLove]

If he's really having health issues, are you sure he isn't in hospital or something? His staff said he'd be back on Friday. They didn't say WHY.

[traveller991]

Oh crap. Well even so, the hotel said he was on his night off and he'd be back Friday and he does have a cell phone or he could have asked someone to call me, so I somehow think he's got someone else or - is really a great guy and started feeling guilty about taking my money and ... no that doesn't work either.

 

However I just go home from a Valentine's dance with about 20 of my friends, had a few dances and practiced flirting, trying not to think of the BF.

 

I still think I have to go back to the penis napkin and ask myself if that's really what I want to deal with.

[basicinstinct]

Hi, it's really good that you posted this because those of us reading it obviously don't have feelings for your so-called BF and can look at the situation dispassionately. I must admit that there were several paragraphs among your posts where I had to stop and ask myself "is she for real?" It's astounding to me that a woman with a lot going for her would let some money-grabbing toerag treat her like this. OF COURSE you have to dump him. OF COURSE he's a user who is just mainly using you for your cash. You've handed cash over to him way way way too readily. Who on earth pays for some disrespectful casual boyfriend to build his own house????????

If he's now had the nerve to break up with you and that's why he's not calling then he has indeed done you a favour. you can do so, so much better. Don't ever contact him again.

[marlena]

I still think I have to go back to the penis napkin and ask myself if that's really what I want to deal with.

 

 

So sorry you are going through this. I know how hard dating in your forties/fifties can be. It is easy to settle and short-change yourself as the panic sets in and you fear that love will never come your way again. Do not let this panic take over and cloud your judgement. Much better alone than with a man like the one you describe. He is disrespectful not to mention crass and vulgar. You sound like a well-educated,independent lady so why ever would you let someone use you so horribly.

 

No, his little penis napkin trick is downright disgusting. There are no two ways about it. Is this the type of man you want in your life? One who demeans you in public? No, I think not. Now more than ever, you deserve respect. You earned it and should expect it from others.

 

I suspect that if you decide to stay with him the only reward will be pain and more pain.

 

Seriously, no matter how much he thrilled you and made you feel young and alive, you will live to regret it I am afraid.

 

Of course, my assessment may be wrong but I have seen this sort of thing happen many,many times.

 

Marlena

Edited February 10, 2008 by marlena

[Lyssa]

It's not easy to move on - even if the guy is using you. It's even harder because at the back of your mind, you're thinking - "come on, I'm sure there is more to me than just being his personal ATM" - thing is, there is much more to you and you know what, you're better off with someone else!

 

There are younger men out there (if you're really into them) who can love an older woman for who she is and not just for the money. If I were you, I'd hang out more often with my bunch of friends and just have fun with life!

[traveller991]

I looked up threads started by you and wonder how it went with your ten years younger co-worker.

 

You're right of course about my bf. There is so much more to the story that I was too embarrassed to put on here. Your comment about being young and alive really hit home. This past year has been difficult so I think I was holding on the bf for emotional support as well as the relationship took my mind off things. I was always looking forward to the next call or text or trip and now that is gone. My mother died in April, in June my son was diagnosed with a serious medical condition, and in August my ex with whom I was very close dropped dead on a hiking trip.

 

Oh well not to be on the pity pot, but I guess I made him into something he wasn't also I haven't had a date since January of 2002 - so no wonder! Along comes this man who tells me I'm his world and initially best sex I ever had, so I let what they call Palm Fever get to me. The last time I was down there (4 weeks in Dec.) we had sex once and he quit half way through saying he was too tired, how embarrassing was that! Then the night before I left we went to dinner and he told me that that he couldn't seem to get it up even though he wanted to. So I just lay there like an ass feeling humiliated and of course I don't believe him, he just doesn't want to have sex with me any more. Ouch!!!

[annieo]

Sounds like you had a pretty heavy year emotionally, so it totally makes sense that you wanted someone to cheer you up, distract you. And he did for awhile, but now he's becoming another drain on your emotions. You've got other stuff to work through and since he's not helping, then unload him.

If it makes you feel less like a victim, think of it this way: you used him in a way, too. It was a rough time, and he took your mind off things. Your feelings about him probably had less to do with him and who he is, and a lot to do with what he represented: an escape, time off, time away.

Eventually, there will be other pleasant diversions for you. In the meantime, do your mourning, because you can't sweep all of those feelings under the carpet indefinitely. And good luck to your kid. Nothing like worrying about a child, that's the worst. Hope he's doing ok.

[starrynight]

But no matter where he's from, a guy who is crazy about the one he's with will show her respect and won't pay attention to any other.

 

You obviously haven't experienced many cultures if you think because your culture is generally one way another is. I have no comment on what he was doing (not enough information), but I am aware of the Jamaican culture, and he's telling the truth about it being a cultural difference. As far as his motivations... well, you'll know better than anyone here (as everyone here is only hearing a very limited version of only your perspective).

[TMichaels]

The last time I was down there (4 weeks in Dec.) we had sex once and he quit half way through saying he was too tired, how embarrassing was that! Then the night before I left we went to dinner and he told me that that he couldn't seem to get it up even though he wanted to. So I just lay there like an ass feeling humiliated and of course I don't believe him, he just doesn't want to have sex with me any more.

 

Traveller991,

 

Hindsight is always 20/20, but oh how I wish you would have handed him a napkin and told him that IT always seemed to be ready, willing and able to perform, so get on with it!

 

Seriously, I know you feel awful at the moment -- alternating between feeling like there's a whole in your heart and that there must have been one in your head as well to have gotten yourself into this -- but don't wallow either way.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart whether you're 15 or 55. You have a lot to offer someone -- but you need to believe that first, before someone else will, too.

 

If you feel you can't not go to the wedding in Punta Cana in March, then go ahead and attend. However, I *would not* make any attempt to contact him -- and if he manages to track you down while you're there somehow, I would look right through the man and not even acknowledge his presence. If he persists and harasses you, I would call the police.

 

Chances are, even the mention of doing that on your part may send him running for the hills. I have a feeling you're not the first woman "Mr. Serviette" has fleeced, nor will you be the last.

 

But, you don't have to be the victim any longer. So, forgive yourself, take stock, hold your head high, and get on with finding someone that deserves the smart, sensitive, competent and accomplished woman you are. Okay?

 

Best,

TMichaels