dejadudu Posted June 27, 2003 Share Posted June 27, 2003 Hello. This question is basically a "what's going on?" type of thing, and it features my ex. Briefly: This woman broke it off with me almost 2 years ago. With a "I don't love you anymore" she sent me off. The months before that were...pathetic. I was on 'probation', no sex for 3 months, she was too uncomfortable about us...or me, to get to the point. I was laid off from work, trying to finish some old research project and getting nowhere, ie not the husband/father material she ultimately wants, "no ambition". Fine. After that breakup moment, I was in a lot of pain, did/thought/fantasized about some strange stuff (how to win her back, blah, blah blah) but never stalked or called or wrote letters. Just tried to let go. Inevitably, there were a some run-ins, the first few left me shaken, less so now. But I STILL look for her everywhere...weird. Ok, here's the pattern: she and I share a few friends, so we get news of each other; she gives me a call last May to see if I wanted to renew our video club membership again. I say no, I don't use it anyway, she insists I share it instead of letting it go to waste. Cut to October, she comes to a party with a friend I invited (when asked, I said it was ok for her to come too) and, after a friendly conversation, she meets some other guy, gets his number. She sees me as she's leaving, do I want her cell #? A flat, unemotional "No" was my reply. Her mind, I realized, is a switch. On and Off, love and no love. Keep in mind that I never considered her mean or "a bitch" or whathaveyou. She is a decent person. As time has passed, I have begun to see that our relationship could not have held up. She is deperate to have a family. Her judgements on my life were not helping me. But my feeling for her still runs so deep. Another call came in May. This time she's sharing the membership with a mutual friend, she wanted to tell me. We talk, laugh like "old times" (old feelings...maybe). I ended the call nonchalantly, saying that maybe we would run into each other sometime, someday. She replied that I 'can call her anytime'. I said I would. I haven't. Now the longing boiled up inside, I am tempted. But instinct for survival makes me resist. I don't trust her judgement. In her mind, its no big deal, she may still love me a little but so what? why can't we be friends? is how she will reason. I think sometimes that I should face this challenge. I have been with someone for nearly a year (I am not in love but...you never know), so the pressure is not so hard now. Still, there is that curiousity, that excitement. Has anyone else walked down this dark alley before? I'm sure someone must have. What frame of mind is best to take? Or keep things as they are? Which means my longing for every woman who resembles her one way or another and feeling dissatisfied with the person I am with for the same reasons. To call or not to call. What good can come of this? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Pineapple Posted June 27, 2003 Share Posted June 27, 2003 I can relate. I still have very strong feelings for an ex. After many years, we are both with other people yet email each other quite often. He has no idea how I feel, I don't want to come in between his current relationship, though I do wish he would return to me. I have good days but then I have the really bad days when all I can do is think of him and how much I want him back. Link to post Share on other sites
Velvet Eel Posted June 27, 2003 Share Posted June 27, 2003 I am currently trying to disconnect from an ex who left me for an old friend of mine. Both keep emailing me, obviously wanting to be "friends." These things are painful and awkward. But if you cannot move on with another woman, it may be best to have coffee or something with your ex and see if your feelings remain the same when you're actually with her. I wouldn't bring up anything about getting back together. A low-pressure, low-expectation meeting like this might convince you that you've romanticized her a little, and that you don't want to get re-involved. This might free you to really connect with someone new. Or, if you both fall in love again, it could be the beginning of a wonderful story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dejadudu Posted July 6, 2003 Author Share Posted July 6, 2003 Thanks for the feedback. Sorry it took so long to reply to the two responses, I was on a long vacation (no internet). I agree with the idea of dispelling romantisized visions of our ex's. As long as we continue to hang on to the memory of these people, they become like a ghost, always around but less and less real and more ideal as time passes. So I have to contact my ex and see if she's interested in a low-key "coffee". This can be pretty stressful since I have to watch myself: in her presence, I tend to feel defensive for how I have lived my life for these past years. And a part of that is the belief that if I show up with great news (new job or project or something really positive, i.e. "a reformed man",) she will want me back...which may or may not be true. And this belief will tempt me to try and "spin" things so it sounds that way. But doing that is demoralizing. All I can come up with is to be honest. And to do that I have to accept that, in hearing about my 'report' of minimal progress towards my goals, she will feel vindicated in breaking it off with me. I must try to not look at myself through her lens of 'this guy is never going to change'. So, I guess, the best mantra is "Ok, be cool, don't lose your your cool". Thanks again for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
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