Dating site junkie...

[Tormented]

I'm interested in hearing other's opinions on men/women who have profiles up on multiple dating sites.

 

The reason I'm posing this question is my ex has hit just about every (free) dating site in creation, (he recently "graced" Craigslist and SinglesNet with his profile to add to his list), and I know for a fact that this man has a multitude of emotional baggage - a deep distrust of women in general, a commitmentpobic, controling, poor impulse control, cheater, and tends to "twist" the truth more often than not.

 

So, I can't help but wonder if those who frequently "date site hop" tend to have some, if not all, of these traits.

 

No wonder I don't "do" dating sites!

 

Any opinions on this?

 

~T~

[marlena]

Yes, I do.

 

Your description fits my ex perfectly. He, too, is on every possible site you can think of. There have been many threads about people who are compulsive online daters. The general concensus seems to be that most (not all) of them are a bit "off" so to speak. I did the online dating thing for a while. Today I refuse to even chat with a stranger on one of these sights let alone agree to meet him. I just don't have the patience or even the desire to weed through the tons of profiles to find someone who even "sounds" normal. No, nowadays, I prefer the good-old fashioned way of meeting people up close in real life.

[SeraBella]

I once read an article (and I wish I could find it again) that sorted online dating into three categories, and I can't really remember what the three were! It was a very interesting read and put an interest spin to online dating that put me off from it for a long time.

 

I think that one was people who use online dating for short term, meet someone, delete their profile and they're done.

 

Another may have been people who realize online dating is not from them (not really sure if this was one).

 

But I definitely remember the category of "chronic daters." It was people who make dating profiles for multiple sites, and have been on there for years. These people meet a lot of women/men and even find they are highly compatible with some of them, but they remain on the site, always thinking there may be something better out there. They end up sabotaging the relationships they could have had because they were hoping to find something better.

 

I would think people like that have some emotional baggage going on. So, yes, maybe some do have those traits you listed.

 

But, I don't know, maybe those who "date site hop" are just lonely but shy and trying to open themselves up to the greatest number of available people?

 

It's hard to generalize too much. Plus, your opinion is greatly biased and it would be wrong to assume all men are like your ex, so it may be improper to assume all men online men are the same, too. Perhaps they are just not having much luck, and trying a different site to see if there is a different dating pool available. I'm fairly certain on most sites the ratio of men to women is at least 2:1...so it makes it harder for men.

[marlena]

But I definitely remember the category of "chronic daters." It was people who make dating profiles for multiple sites, and have been on there for years. These people meet a lot of women/men and even find they are highly compatible with some of them, but they remain on the site, always thinking there may be something better out there. They end up sabotaging the relationships they could have had because they were hoping to find something better.

 

 

This is ever so true. "Chronic daters" it has been my experience are usually very eloquent, sophisticated, handsome, intelligent and utterly charm the pants off of you. This is why they can date so profusely. Beneath the shining veneer, however, is a very insecure and immature man, one who needs constant ego-stroking and attention, very selfish, cold and distant, unable to give love or receive it. Often they are narcissists, bi-polar,controlling and manipulative. The need to be admired by several women as they need constant validation. It is basically a self-esteem issue that has its roots in a lot of complicated issues from the past.

 

I am not saying you can not meet a wonderful partner on these sites. I am only saying that success is the exception and not the rule.

 

This is what I have gleaned from experience with online dating. It's a game for nerves of steel.

 

Marlena

[Tormented]

I did the online dating thing for a while. Today I refuse to even chat with a stranger on one of these sights let alone agree to meet him. I just don't have the patience or even the desire to weed through the tons of profiles to find someone who even "sounds" normal. No, nowadays, I prefer the good-old fashioned way of meeting people up close in real life.

 

That makes 2 of us! I live in a small mountain town and the dating pool here is very shallow, consisting mainly of druggies, drunks, the unemployed, or married men looking for a fling. No thanks! So, I decided to give online dating a try and absolutely hated it. My "test drive" was a brief one. Maybe if I had stuck in there a little longer a decent one would have come along - who knows - but I lost interest and took my profile off. I got a lot of email and winks but not from any that I found interesting or suitable. I don't know...it felt like an online meat market and I just couldn't get into it. I'm with you...I prefer the face-to-face meeting. Don't think I'll ever try the online dating again.

 

One thing I noticed while browsing the men on that site is that many of them have been there a long time. You would think that in all that time they'd find somebody suitable, yet...there they are, STILL trolling. For me, that's a huge red flag. They're either married, too critical, a player, commitmentphobic, or a complete freak of some type. In any case, there's got to be a reason they've been there that long and STILL haven't found a suitable mate.

 

As far as my ex goes, I about peed my pants laughing while reading his profile. He claims himself to be..."looking for his lifetime mate" (oh puuuleeease!!! This man is a complete commitmentphobic because he's STILL pissed off at his mother and ex-wife and has a poor opinion of women in general), also that "he's loyal and is seeking a mate he can trust." Now, mind you...THIS from a man who lied and cheated on me, as well as his ex-wife. Claimed himself to be "fun-loving." Uh-huh, as long as things are going HIS way and he's allowed to dictate everywhere they go and do, otherwise he sulks and can be quite ugly to be around. He completely BS'ed throughout his entire profile and I found myself shaking my head with disgust.

 

And then I had to wonder how many more of these men were BSing. Whatever woman buys into his BS is in for one hell of a disappointment!

 

I pity her...

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I once read an article (and I wish I could find it again) that sorted online dating into three categories, and I can't really remember what the three were! It was a very interesting read and put an interest spin to online dating that put me off from it for a long time.

 

Sure wish you could find that article, I'd love to read it.

 

I think that one was people who use online dating for short term, meet someone, delete their profile and they're done.

 

I think this is probably the exception to the rule. As I stated in another post, I noticed that several of the men on that site have been there for a few years. For me, that's a huge red flag.

 

Another may have been people who realize online dating is not from them (not really sure if this was one).

 

Yep, that would be the category I belong in.

 

But I definitely remember the category of "chronic daters." It was people who make dating profiles for multiple sites, and have been on there for years. These people meet a lot of women/men and even find they are highly compatible with some of them, but they remain on the site, always thinking there may be something better out there. They end up sabotaging the relationships they could have had because they were hoping to find something better.

 

I think this is the case for a big percentage of online users. Always looking over the shoulder of the one they're with in search for "something better." It's sad, really, because people in this category usually end up old and alone with a lot of burned bridges behind them. They are basically shallow, incapable of experiencing love on a deep level, and unsatisfied with life in general. They tend to jump from relationship to relationship in search for somebody to "complete" them...to fill that huge void. Very sad, and certainly not the kind I'd ever want to get involved with!

 

 

But, I don't know, maybe those who "date site hop" are just lonely but shy and trying to open themselves up to the greatest number of available people?

 

True enough, but when site hopping becomes habitual and chronic - that usually indicates the problem runs deeper than mere shyness.

 

It's hard to generalize too much. Plus, your opinion is greatly biased and it would be wrong to assume all men are like your ex, so it may be improper to assume all men online men are the same, too. Perhaps they are just not having much luck, and trying a different site to see if there is a different dating pool available. I'm fairly certain on most sites the ratio of men to women is at least 2:1...so it makes it harder for men.

 

You raise some valid points, and I agree...testing the waters in various dating sites can enhance your chances of meeting a suitable mate. But once again I have to question the length of time these men troll these sites. When you've been at it for years and STILL haven't found a suitable mate, well...it does make one wonder as to why.

 

And you're absolutely right - I am biased towards men who frequent several sites, especially so after reading my exes profile (complete BS). I can't help but wonder how many of them are like my ex, but I also acknowledge that there are some who are genuine.

 

Problem is, you've got to sift through a wave of "players" in search for that prince.

 

Lord, I just don't have the patience for it...

 

~T~

[marlena]

I agree that anyone who is on dating sites for years and years is either married or has huge problems. One would think that after so many dates, they would have found someone to care enough about to stop getting their fix. Huge red flag! If you date someon like this (like I did) you will never feel secure and will always be looking over your shoulder so to speak. Who needs that?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I agree that anyone who is on dating sites for years and years is either married or has huge problems.

What if you honestly just don't find any one compatible on the sites in years it can happen no?

 

Doesn't mean that person is always married or has huge issues. Honestly you don't really even get that many dates off of web sites.

 

Maybe thats just me tho I guess I am in a smaller bracket being a larger person bbw.

 

And only using sites catering to us. But still marlena I like to think there exceptions to that rule thank you lol

[silvergirl111]

I made the mistake of meeting my ex on an online site. We were together for 2 tumultuous years in which she did not stop using dating sites (which I found out later). She had many relationships while we were together, all of which she began online.

 

She was highly emotionally and mentally abusive, clearly insecure and prone to lying (she lied about her age AND name when we were together - I found out about 2 years after we broke up that she was 35 when I was 19!).

 

I certainly learned the hard way, but I think my experience validates the theories posted above that many people on these sites have issues. Not all, but definitely a good handful if not the majority.

[swansong519]

Now, now ladies.... Could one not also infer that since you are single (assuming you are) and haven't "found somebody" that there may be something wrong with you too...?...regardless of your online status...?

 

And could a fellas lack of ability in finding a mate not say as much about his online choices as his own potential "insufficientcies"?

 

Speaking for myself (and I am not on multiple sites, so perhaps I don't exactly apply)...it has been exceedingly difficult to find a compatible mate. I have what some might consider to be unconventional ideas...I value my solitude...I'm not materialistic... I subscribe to the "a life unexamined is a life not worth living" philosophy...I have ecclectic tastes and a wry sense of humor...

 

And being from a verrry small community...my options are more than a little limited.

 

How unfortunate it would be for me if women viewed my "singleness" as nothing more than psychological dysfunction..... (although, I haven't completely ruled that out)

Edited February 11, 2008 by swansong519

[marlena]

I value my solitude..

 

This is why you choose to be single. You have gotten used to it and you like it. You aren't out there dating a million people at once and lying your head off to all of them.

 

Maybe the right girl who shares your lifestyle and unconventional ideas just hasn't come along yet?

[swansong519]

Maybe the right girl who shares your lifestyle and unconventional ideas just hasn't come along yet?

 

No "maybes" about it.....unless she's hiding in my closet.......hang on.................................nope...just dust bunnies

[marlena]

No "maybes" about it.....unless she's hiding in my closet.......hang on.................................nope...just dust bunnies

 

Look harder!

[swansong519]

Look harder!

 

I see her! I see her! Damn, that was one hellaciously large dust bunny for her to be able to hide behind it

 

To be clear...when I said I appreciate my solitude, I should have said...I am not a social butterfly. The solitude of which I spoke included my significant other.