Myspace, MSN and other evils

[vale46]

As i sit here I cant really believe I'm writing this but I have what I call not trust issues but major 'the right way to behave when in a committed relationship issues'. Ive been with my girlfriend for a year now and we live together. Now my girlfriend has had quite a career on the internet before we met. Was on just about every 'attention seeking' site going, in various states of undress but not too distatsteful, msn full of men contacts a lot of who she had had cyber fun with, cd discs full of naked men she talked on msn with, email address also full of photos she had sent to men. I could go on. Now whoever is reading this I expect to be sit there thinking this guy cannot live with this girls colourful past. Well this is not true. I myself have a colourful past but that its where it is...the past. My problem is this...when in a so called committed relationship I believe that there are certain things you do and don't do.

 

Talking to true platonic friends of the opposite sex on msn, myspace etc. nothing wrong with it. Talking to guys who know what you look like naked and have had extremely intimate conversations with is a definite no-no. Its like carrying on a relationship with an ex. My girlfriend has cleared her msn out of the so called dodgy ones. This she regards as doing me a great favour. Fact is I know there are 1 or 2 still in there who I would call dodgy. She still has a myspace account whichb was ok until she left it open one day and I saw a couple of the messages she had sent and received recently.

 

1. ' I cant talk to you on msn because my boyfriend is extremely jealous when i talk to certain people. we can exchange messages on here though'

 

OK her message is innocent enough. No smut but isnt it disloyal ? should she be telling this guy of my problems with certain things

 

2. ' Hi there. saw your pictures and to be fair they are a bit revealing but hey you look gorgeous'

 

This was from a new guy. Now she sent messages back about our 2 dogs. innocent enough but there is no doubt this guy was hittin on her and should have been told whats what. Also she told me that she only uses her myspace account to talk to 'platonic' friends she already got. this guy wasnt one of those. She had to add him as her account is set to private.

 

Now the whole internet thing is causing major problems in our relationship. she accuses me of being mistrusting. i asked other people about this and asked if they thought i had trust issues. the answer i always got back was no. what i have is a strong belief in what i believe is the correct way to behave in a relationship. not clearing out the more intimate parts of your past...emails, naughty pictures, naughty messages, intimate internet contacts isnt one of them. She says im being controlling and she has got rid of a lot of stuff. i disagree i think im asking for respect and loyal behaviour. if she cant give that then fine just say so and ill choose whether i want to live with it or not.

 

this has caused major rows. she says ive snooped and shouldnt know about these things. well i didnt have to snoop very hard ill tell you. and does the fact ive snooped excuse her behaviour ? i am not bothered what she has done in her past. past is past as they say. what i am bothered about is her past still infringes on the present. also she regards anything she does for me such as clearing out of certain things as a favour. if i hadnt asked she wouldnt have done it. this i know because a lot of the stuff she has kept hold of pre-dates the boyfriend who lived with her before me. i shouldnt have to ask. it should have been done.

 

my thoughts are is she is an attention junkie. i dont think she is a cheat but i do think she needs to grow up. she is 38 for gods sake.

 

there is plenty more i could say would appreciate peoples thoughts on what i written so far....

[SeraBella]

All I can say is I wouldn't be able to put up with any of that.

 

She is deliberately hiding things from you. So she knows what she is doing is wrong.

 

And I see no need to keep things from men she chatted with online? It's just very odd to me. I could understand a little more if it was something like...pictures of a vacation with an ex-boyfriend or something...but nude pictures from her cyber adventures? No.

 

You are mistrusting...because she gives you PLENTY of reason to be that way.

[vale46]

Thanks a lot guys for your thoughts and advice. I think when it comes down to it there a just a few things I want from her.

 

1. All printed files that are of an intimate nature destroyed. And to be honest I want to see them being destroyed.

 

2. All contacts on myspace, msn, yahoo messenger who she has enjoyed more than just friendly chats with deleted from her address books and blocked from contacting her. Also all emails she has received or sent of an intimate nature deleted.

 

3. Some of these guys have her phone number and she has theres. I want there numbers deleting and if necessary her number changed.

 

4. If she wants to chat to friends on the internet I want to know who they all are and the whole thing to be completely open...no secrets whatsoever

 

Now these may sound like demands. To me they are not. We are talkin spending the rest of our lives together. If Im honest Id rather she didnt bother with the chat thing at all but realise there have to be compromises. I am not an ogre or a control freak. There are many things in our relationship that are bliss. Yet everyday this whole thing burns me up. I want it to stop. She says I have trust issues. I dont think so. To be honest she does not talk to these guys any more yet why no clear out ? All I want is a clean slate. I dont want to be downstairs while shes upstairs chatting on msn wondering who the hell shes talkin to. She also says that my 'mistrust' will destroy us. As I said not mistrust. Just what I feel is correct behaviour in a loving relationship...Do not carry your intimate past in luggage everybody can see. She says i had no right to go snooping...effectively she was saying i had no right to know what kind of relationship she had had with some of these guys in the past and i brought on the pain myself...wrong. she is right in the fact that what she did in the past is none of my business. she mistakenly thinks i judge her for this. i dont. but when you talk about someone openly (as she has done to me about one of these guys not knowing what i knew) who is supposed to be just a friend who you know was a little more than that (be it only cyber or not) and dont disclose the fact to someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with...then you are lying...hiding things. The daft thing is i know she wouldnt cheat and i know she loves me. Yet i still feel her behaviour is unacceptable in a committed relationship. I would appreciate any thoughts on whether im being unreasonable or not and for that matter any critcisms. All i want is for this to stop and happiness to fill me again

[mental_traveller]

I think you aren't suited. Your ideas of what is reasonable in a relationship are significantly different to hers, and she is already resenting your efforts to make her compromise. Break it up - it's not like you are going to settle down and live happily ever after.

 

I do think you have trust issues. But so would anyone in that situation - she is clearly not trustworthy. Your "trust issues" are 100% justified and rational, given her behaviour.

Edited February 10, 2008 by mental_traveller

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I usually say that you cant control people in such situations but even I have probs with this one why save stuff like that?

 

I honestly don't get it maybe its like a hobby for her or something I dunno. The one thing I do know is that like I had said you can't make people do what you want or have the same standards as you.

 

So you need to have a talk with her and let her know this stuff hurts/bothers you but do it in a non controlling non demanding way. Ask her why she feels the need to save such stuff?

 

Sounds to me like you have been kinda barking at her a bit and shes def not responding well to it. Try a different approach and if you guys just can't come to some sort of mutual ground.

 

Then maybe the R wasn't meant to be maybe you two just have different personal views and values!

[Lyssa]

She's 38 and acting this way? You shouldn't put up with this. I don't think she would want to give in to your requests. She should do it because she wants to, if not - she's going to resent you. Some people have different views on this.

 

The comments guys gave me on Myspace made BF uncomfortable - I didn't have revealing pics on it but they commented a lot on them and I thought to myself, how would I feel if girls commented on my BF? Not too good and comfy about it so I decided to close my account. I don't feel like I lost anything cause those guys don't matter to me but BF matters - a lot.

 

I wish your GF would think along those lines - after all, a year is quite a long time (for me anyway!) and she should take it seriously unless she just loves the attention and wants more and more of it!

[vale46]

this really is a tough one. i have found nothing that indicates she would cheat. in fact other behaviour suggests completely the opposite. what i have found are logging on to myspace and msn as soon as i walk thru the front door to work..ok fine...the telling other people i cant talk on msn but will message you on here cause my boyfriend has jealousy issues isnt fine...one other thing that bugs me...for our first date i booked a trip to milan...i found out she went on a date with another guy a few days after knowing i booked it... her reasoning well we werent really seeing each other...well ok fair point...but hidin the fact she went on the date ? i dont think so. she should have told me so i could make my own mind up

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Thanks a lot guys for your thoughts and advice. I think when it comes down to it there a just a few things I want from her.

 

1. All printed files that are of an intimate nature destroyed. And to be honest I want to see them being destroyed.

Well it def sounds like you have mistrust issues when you say that.

2. All contacts on myspace, msn, yahoo messenger who she has enjoyed more than just friendly chats with deleted from her address books and blocked from contacting her. Also all emails she has received or sent of an intimate nature deleted.

I can see your point but I think your kinda treating her like a teenager a bit by saying stuff like that.

 

sorry she should want to delete them not be told to its just not going to work and create hurt feelings if she is forced to do that!

3. Some of these guys have her phone number and she has theres. I want there numbers deleting and if necessary her number changed.

Same as above..

4. If she wants to chat to friends on the internet I want to know who they all are and the whole thing to be completely open...no secrets whatsoever

This one is just total mistrust on your part not good.

Now these may sound like demands. To me they are not. We are talkin spending the rest of our lives together. . She says I have trust issues. I dont think so. To be honest she does not talk to these guys any more yet why no clear out ? All I want is a clean slate. I dont want to be downstairs while shes upstairs chatting on msn wondering who the hell shes talkin to. She also says that my 'mistrust' will destroy us.

They are demands maybe warranted maybe not you say shes not even talking to these men any more?

 

If thats the case then why the mistrust? maybe just the fact you are trying to for a lack of a better word here control her Internet life is why she is resisting so much.

 

If your downstairs and who shes talking to is that big an issue for you then I def don't see you two spending the rest of your life together I wouldn't bet the farm on it at least.

 

Honestly Even if she deleted every contact you asked her to you would still have the same trust issues I think long as she was on line just because of her past activates.

 

Honestly you sound like the kinda guy who wants his gfs FULL attention and you want her to do as you say on cirtin things.

 

And I just some how don't think shes up for going along with that program sorry..

 

I do agree with her tho in one way mistrust can destroy a R and its sad when its misguided mistrust that dose it.

Edited February 10, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SpanksTheMonkey]

this really is a tough one. i have found nothing that indicates she would cheat. in fact other behaviour suggests completely the opposite. what i have found are logging on to myspace and msn as soon as i walk thru the front door to work..ok fine...the telling other people i cant talk on msn but will message you on here cause my boyfriend has jealousy issues isnt fine...one other thing that bugs me...for our first date i booked a trip to milan...i found out she went on a date with another guy a few days after knowing i booked it... her reasoning well we werent really seeing each other...well ok fair point...but hidin the fact she went on the date ? i dont think so. she should have told me so i could make my own mind up

You booked a trip to Milan for your 1st date? If you guys hadn't even been on the 1st date then she wasn't really exclusive with you yet.

 

She prob didn't think at that point she had to even tell you thats a fine line really. But if she was still in dout at that point then perhaps she should have said hey can we go to coffee instead of Milan lol

 

I wouldn't except a trip like that from a guy I wasn't that seriously into maybe thats just me. It sounds like your maybe holding onto some old mistrusts and resentments a bit.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, she may meet your demands, but I think she will continue with what she is doing and simply find better ways to hide it.

[vale46]

you are wrong. i dont expect anyones full attention. it sounnds like i disagree with the whole website msn thing. i dont. what i expect is a certain type of behaviour when using such things. that aint happening...how can anyone justify tellin people online that they cant talk on msn because there boyfriend is very jealous so well do it in secret instead. if the woman had been more honest and open about it in the first place i wouldnt be posting here. what im tryin to do is find a compromise. i know what im prepared to live with and this is fallin short

[SpanksTheMonkey]

you are wrong. i dont expect anyones full attention. it sounnds like i disagree with the whole website msn thing. i dont. what i expect is a certain type of behaviour when using such things. that aint happening...how can anyone justify tellin people online that they cant talk on msn because there boyfriend is very jealous so well do it in secret instead. if the woman had been more honest and open about it in the first place i wouldnt be posting here. what im tryin to do is find a compromise. i know what im prepared to live with and this is fallin short

 

 

You yourself said you would rather she didn't use the Internet all together so your not really happy with the idea so that to me means you do disagree with it to some level.

 

I'm not justifying anything what I'm saying is your approach to the situation is a bit like barking orders and thats not getting any were.

 

Obversely she dose feel you are jealous if she feels the need to hide her activities from you.

 

From what you have said I don't think shes cheating but she dose feel that she cant be open with you in general about things.

 

And maybe you need to take a step back and ask yourself if I don't think shes cheating then why would she not want to share these things with me?

 

Why would she leave a message like that? because you two do not have open trusting communication thats why. And thats something you both need to work on.

 

You trusting her and her then in turn respecting you a bit more to delete the names that maybe bother you.

 

But unless you both are willing to give a little for the other then its a stale mate stand off and I would prob pack it in.

[Walk]

He's in a catch-22 though. In order for him to trust her, she has to earn that trust. In order for her to want to earn that trust, he has to show her that he trusts her.

 

To get both parties on the same page, then it's going to take good communication, and agreement from both parties. Otherwise it won't work.

 

Personally, I'd dump her. I have a friend like this and she's an attention whore. It drives her husband insane, he attempts to control her behave, she feels resentment at him for how he behaves. They say they love each other, but I could never live the way they live. It seems like hell to me. But she'll never change. Not for him, not for anyone. Something is flawed inside of her, and she has to have that attention from other men in order to feel like she's someone. Its kind of like an addiction I guess...

[SpanksTheMonkey]

He's in a catch-22 though. In order for him to trust her, she has to earn that trust. In order for her to want to earn that trust, he has to show her that he trusts her.

 

To get both parties on the same page, then it's going to take good communication, and agreement from both parties. Otherwise it won't work.

 

Personally, I'd dump her. I have a friend like this and she's an attention whore. It drives her husband insane, he attempts to control her behave, she feels resentment at him for how he behaves. They say they love each other, but I could never live the way they live. It seems like hell to me. But she'll never change. Not for him, not for anyone. Something is flawed inside of her, and she has to have that attention from other men in order to feel like she's someone. Its kind of like an addiction I guess...

Agreed walk what gets me is he says he doesn't think shes even cheating with these people but still the great mistrust?

 

I think you hit the nail on the head there has to be give and take from both and I just don't see that happening.

[vale46]

I think its time to sit down with this woman and lay stuff on the line. But answer me this. Ive attempted to do this before. What have I got in return ? Screaming yelling....you dont trust me....ive done nothing wrong....you need treatment cos you got a serious problem (shes right there i have got a serious problem:laugh:) its over get out of the house. i end up backin down and comforting her. her behaviour reeks of bein a small child and also isnt the throwin trust thing what guilty people do?how do i approach this ?

[SeraBella]

I think its time to sit down with this woman and lay stuff on the line. But answer me this. Ive attempted to do this before. What have I got in return ? Screaming yelling....you dont trust me....ive done nothing wrong....you need treatment cos you got a serious problem (shes right there i have got a serious problem:laugh:) its over get out of the house. i end up backin down and comforting her. her behaviour reeks of bein a small child and also isnt the throwin trust thing what guilty people do?how do i approach this ?

 

 

Do you ever consider that she's not right for you?

 

A lot of her reactions ARE what guilty people do. You know that. In the back of your mind are you questioning why you are with her?

 

I don't know a good way to approach it, especially since it's already been approached...sounds like on several occassions. She won't change unless she wants to. And she doesn't sound like she wants to.

 

I think at her age, not that it's old by any means, but she's a grown adult who is most likely set in her ways, she's not going to change. Perhaps with counseling, or if you can figure out what is lacking in her life that she feels the need to seek this attention.

 

Does she not get much attention in person, so she goes online to boost her self esteem?

 

I think there has been some research on addiction to the internet/these types of sites/chatrooms/etc. But I don't think much of it has been super conclusive.

[ElvenPriestess]

I think its time to sit down with this woman and lay stuff on the line. But answer me this. Ive attempted to do this before. What have I got in return ? Screaming yelling....you dont trust me....ive done nothing wrong....you need treatment cos you got a serious problem (shes right there i have got a serious problem:laugh:) its over get out of the house. i end up backin down and comforting her. her behaviour reeks of bein a small child and also isnt the throwin trust thing what guilty people do?how do i approach this ?

 

Well I've read all the posts. And I must say I've been where you are now, just on the other side. As I'm not a guy. You have to explain to her that you may have a trust problem but it's as others have said, valid. I don't think she wants to respect your relationship the way it should be. Otherwise this wouldn't be happening.

 

The fact is she has no guilt over the secrets she's kept. If she had guilt she wouldn't be blame shifting. And she's justifying her actions, which are disrespectful, buy telling you you have issues.

 

It just seems to me she doesn't understand the things which entail commitment. She isn't prepared to give up this life of other men for you, and that should tell you something.

 

The yelling is a symptom of the guilt she has but would rather cast it aside and yell. When she does that it's due to her not wanting to hear the truth. The truth is ugly, and it's easier at times to live in a delusion. If that makes sense.

 

You should, IMO, approach this situation in this way. Explain to her the values you hold in a relationship and that you expect your partner to uphold them as well. Explain these things are not condusive to a healthy relationship. If she can't understand why you would not want these things in your relationship, then she isn't ready to be in one.

 

So again, approach this on a needs for the relationship basis, but if she keeps this up, you need to cut your losses. She has the chance to change. If she won't do it, this will never work out. She is putting her selfishness ahead of the relationship and the greater good.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I think its time to sit down with this woman and lay stuff on the line. But answer me this. Ive attempted to do this before. What have I got in return ? Screaming yelling....you dont trust me....ive done nothing wrong....you need treatment cos you got a serious problem (shes right there i have got a serious problem:laugh:) its over get out of the house. i end up backin down and comforting her. her behaviour reeks of bein a small child and also isnt the throwin trust thing what guilty people do?how do i approach this ?

It sounds like neither of you have much respect left for the other at this point.

 

You def don't trust this women even tho by your own words you don't believe shes cheating.

 

She in turn doesn't want to give in to you for what ever her reasons.

 

It sounds like you would rather finger point and say its all her fault at this point then try to seriously work on both your issues.

 

I just don't think your made for each other why not move on and find some one more compatible that you can have that fresh slate you want?

 

And then she can find some one who's more open to her still enjoying her on line life as well.

 

It would be a win win situation in the end even tho it may hurt at 1st.

 

And for the books I don't always believe people who get upset at jealous mistrustful behavior are always guilty.

 

Its very hard to live with some one who doesn't trust you even more so when you know you are honestly innocent.

 

You say you don't think this womens cheating on you so why do you care who she talks to on her pc? then if thats all shes doing?

 

So do you believe shes cheating or not? if not like you said then I'm sorry but it kinda looks like yes you just wanna control her a bit by telling her who she can and can't talk to.

[vale46]

your comments are all very useful and thought provoking and much appreciated so im gonna cut to the chase. your right i dont trust her. do i think shell physically cheat no...do i think shell emotionally cheat....possibly. she sees no harm in the attention she gets. she says when she first went online the attention she got made her feel good again about herself after several abusive relationships. i have and will not be abusive she knows this yet still has this constant need. if she loves me as she says i should be enough. she says the people she still talks to are just friends and are aware she now in a relationship. but i know some of these she has had fun with. come on do you think they give a stuff whether she in a relationship or not ? why put herself in ths position. cut the ties. once you stepped over the mark theres no goin back. and to hide the relationship she had with these people is wrong. its like hiding a real life relationship...denying it ever happened...this is not being honest and open which is all i ask. she has created a monster not me

[whichwayisup]

I think it's become a habit and now that you two are together, she's having a hard time switching gears from online fun to real live face to face fun. She enjoys the fantasy side of talking to people, it's safe and not threatening, especially if she has no plans to meet anyone offline.

 

Ask her which is more important to her? Building a trusting relationship with you or living online.