All at once

[White Flower]

I thought I would make my 1000th post by starting a new thread and give an update on my sitch.

 

I hope to not give out TMI so I'll cut some of the details and if it seems lacking please PM me.

 

Many of you know that my H has not acted like a real H in a long time. He's had gambling issues, among many others, but he's practically gambled our lives away. It sounds like an exaggeration, but when a man cashes out his retirement plan again and again for the purpose of gambling one tends to feel an insecurity that is unimaginable. You throw in an EA with another woman (could have been PA but no confession of that) and total lack of consideration for your W (me) then all hell breaks lose.

 

I had held out as long as I could because I have children and the youngest is pretty sensitive. When I first began communicating the idea of a separation or divorce, my two older kids were behind me all the way and thought I deserved happiness and knew I was never going to get it with H. My youngest was instant waterworks and couldn't talk about it so I put it off for her sake. Finally a couple of weeks ago she told me she thought I would be better off without him. The next day I gave my lawyer a retainer.

 

I should also add that my H wouldn't go for an uncontested D and it would cost us everything in lawyers fees to D. So, I held out thinking I could eventually show him the financial benefit of filing uncontested. After all, more money in the end means more for him to gamble freely, right?

 

It is only by a small miracle that I had the money for that retainer. To keep this a short story instead of a novel I'll hold off explaining that one for a while.

 

The day after I saw my lawyer I found out that I have skin cancer and an ovarian cyst. I feel lucky, though, because I am not in any pain and both are treatable with surgery and I won't be dealing with chemo. Hopefully I'll just go on the pill to shrink the cyst but I see my OBgyn this week and she'll let me know her plan of action. I am avoiding surgery on that like the plague, lol. I told myself that I am going to smile all the way through this. Please remind me of that from time to time, OK?

 

I am still seeing MM and when I told him about all this he said, "We'll get through this." He said 'we'll'...I've never heard such words from my H. I almost cried.

 

I did not tell my H any of this as we are not speaking. When I enter the house he does not raise his head to say hello. He just keeps on working on his computer and acts like I do not exist. He's had a feeling that something is going on for a while now and I can't blame him for that, but he has never come right out and asked me so I have never offered up the info. It was over anyway, so why tell him anything? He never told me about the millions he's gambled away and took that money without my knowledge or consent so why should I fess anything up to him?

 

I do regret not leaving him before the A. I did struggle with putting the kids through a D, especially my youngest. There was a time that I felt the A was a little like revenge or payback for all he'd done to us, but the truth is I fell in love with someone who was good and right for me who has gotten me through all of this, surprisingly. Once I was able to see it all clearly I was able to make a decision. My dignity is not worth losing anymore.

 

Some of you also know that I am a returning student who is wrapping up community college and graduating with honors. I've been accepted to my university of choice and feel very proud of that. MM was ecstatic for me; H did not say a word.

 

A couple of days ago my H said he was ready to go for the uncontested D. That doesn't mean he won't contest, but it was something. I asked my daughter if she told him of my skin cancer and cyst issue and she said yes she had two days before. He wants to end it before he has to pay for any medical bills and look like a bad guy for not holding my hand through it all. Actually, I am glad. He was never much comfort anyway.

 

MM continues to give me the emotional support that I thrive on. I know if I never met him that I would get through it somehow, but I have to admit that it is easier with him by my side. I guess I should say on my side. He has been the voice of reason for me lately and my moral support. Truly, my greatest gift along with my children.

 

The hardest part in all of this is not knowing which way is up. Where will I be living after the D? Will I keep the house or be forced to sell it? Can I afford college with working part time as a single parent or will I have to put college off and get a full time job? Will I heal soon enough from my upcoming procedures and start my semester on time? Will H really pay his alimony/child support or should I just have it all calculated and put into the house so that I am sure to actually see that money? So many questions like spinning cups and saucers over my head.

 

So, I ask for clarity from you and please try not to flame me as I just don't need any more stress at this point. I hope to respond quickly to your posts but as you can see I am a very busy woman these days. Thanks for listening.

[Lizzie60]

OMG WF.. I never thought you were going through all that...

 

WOW.. you ARE a strong woman... I'm afraid I don't have much advices about the D.. never been through a real one...

 

...but I have to say that you have just raised sky high in my respect.. you are going through hell and you're a great example of courage.

 

You have my admiration... You will be in my thoughts... take all the help you can get, either from your MM, children, or family and friends

[Lyssa]

[[[[WF]]]]

 

I sorry to hear about your skin cancer and ovarian cyst. Although treatable, I am sure you're having a tough time dealing with all this. At the same time, you sound so strong on handling the D, children and also the skin cancer and ovarian cyst. I admire your strength and patience.

 

I can't offer you any answers to all your Qs as I've never been in this situation before - not married and all that. I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and that I hope everything works out well for you. MM seems like a gem and I hope he will continue to support you. I have a few Qs but I guess I will save it for the PM.

 

Hang in there, WF - you're doing good and you have all the support you need here.

 

Oh btw, here's a reminder - smile, don't forget to smile although it seems hard to do so at a time like this!!

 

[[[[bIG HUGS]]]]

[GreenEyedLady]

(((WF)))

 

You are such a strong woman! I am glad that you have the support of your MM...

 

I am going to PM you...

 

GEL

[White Flower]

OMG WF.. I never thought you were going through all that...

 

WOW.. you ARE a strong woman... I'm afraid I don't have much advices about the D.. never been through a real one...

 

...but I have to say that you have just raised sky high in my respect.. you are going through hell and you're a great example of courage.

 

You have my admiration... You will be in my thoughts... take all the help you can get, either from your MM, children, or family and friends

 

Thanks, Lizzie. It means a lot.

[White Flower]

[[[[WF]]]]

 

I sorry to hear about your skin cancer and ovarian cyst. Although treatable, I am sure you're having a tough time dealing with all this. At the same time, you sound so strong on handling the D, children and also the skin cancer and ovarian cyst. I admire your strength and patience.

 

I can't offer you any answers to all your Qs as I've never been in this situation before - not married and all that. I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and that I hope everything works out well for you. MM seems like a gem and I hope he will continue to support you. I have a few Qs but I guess I will save it for the PM.

 

Hang in there, WF - you're doing good and you have all the support you need here.

 

Oh btw, here's a reminder - smile, don't forget to smile although it seems hard to do so at a time like this!!

 

[[[[bIG HUGS]]]]

 

Thanks so much, Lyssa. I didn't cry while writing my post, but I am now:lmao: --happy tears and yes, I'm smiling:)

[White Flower]

(((WF)))

 

You are such a strong woman! I am glad that you have the support of your MM...

 

I am going to PM you...

 

GEL

 

Thanks, GEL. I'll look for it:)

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Whoa, WF, I like Lizzie, didn't know you were going through all of this. Well done for getting through it all with such strength. I'm sure there's a light at the end of the tunnel coming for you

[showupbutbroken]

You are an inspiration to all of us. We can all whine and complain about how things are or how we think others will react but the people that actually step up and take back control are the ones that we should set the bar by. We have one life, one chance to experience the happiness we deserve. We make mistakes, sometimes marry someone that changes into something we don't like, and we deserve the opportunity to have another opportunity to get it right. I hope you can continue to be so strong and such a great role model for your children.

[OpenBook]

Holy Crap! WF you are sure right about All At Once! Everything happens for a reason... and in your case I would really really REALLY like to know what the reason is! So if it is ever revealed to you, could you post it here and share it with us?!?

 

I can't think of a nicer person for all this to happen to.

 

I'm so glad you have somebody like your MM in your life to help you get through all this now... although I have no doubt you'd pull all of it off perfectly, all by yourself, if you had to.

 

You sound like you have great kids and a great relationship with them. That's a huge blessing in itself.

 

Let's see, if I were in your shoes... my first priority would be making sure I'm covered (and will continue to be covered) on medical insurance. Not having it can ruin anyone financially. Have you told your lawyer about the diagnoses? He/She could advise you on the best course of action financially, not to mention factoring it in with the D settlement.

 

Members of my immediate family have had skin cancer, and they just went and had the area "burned off" and went right on truckin'. It's amazing the medical advances in skincare, it's a lot easier to deal with now. The key is keeping an eye on it, and getting thoroughly checked every 3-6 months.

 

As far as the ovary, I'd just get rid of it!! Speaking from personal experience, it has been one of the best things that I've ever done. Highly recommend it.

 

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, WF, and I'll also be watching for your posts on here.

[White Flower]

Whoa, WF, I like Lizzie, didn't know you were going through all of this. Well done for getting through it all with such strength. I'm sure there's a light at the end of the tunnel coming for you

 

Thanks, JNRR, I've held back a lot but it just needs to come out now. And I do feel there is a light at the end and I look very much forward to it. It is what keeps me going:)

[White Flower]

You are an inspiration to all of us. We can all whine and complain about how things are or how we think others will react but the people that actually step up and take back control are the ones that we should set the bar by. We have one life, one chance to experience the happiness we deserve. We make mistakes, sometimes marry someone that changes into something we don't like, and we deserve the opportunity to have another opportunity to get it right. I hope you can continue to be so strong and such a great role model for your children.

 

Thanks, SUBB. I am doing much of this for my kids.

 

My H thinks my going back to school is a selfish thing. There are no college graduates in my family and I wanted to break the mold because the stats say that children whose parents didn't finish college often don't finish either. I am learning the ropes the hard way and will pass that experience onto my children. My eldest is in her first year (goes to school with me) and is already benefitting from taking my past favorite professors and she thanks me for that.

 

Also, I just want my kids to know that a woman should be strong and not allow a man to control her. I want my son to know that a controlling H loses his W. I hope to one day show them how true love is supposed to be. My MM often says he wishes my kids had a better example of how the marriage dynamics should work. He'd be just the guy but he has his own cross to bare.*

 

Yes, life is short and I hope to live the rest of mine in a better place.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

[whichwayisup]

I've had cysts before, so I feel for you and how painful they can be! It's good they can put you on the pill to shrink them, when I had them, they couldn't put me on the pill because I get migraines from them (that and now I'm 37, and smoke so that's a bad combo)...Load up on advil and use a heating pad, that worked well for me. OB is right, it is amazing how much stuff has changed in the medical field. Everything will be fine...I know it's scary though..

 

Sometimes things have a way of falling into place, and it sounds like you have a good support system all around you.

[Meranna]

First, I want to say you are in my thoughts and you will get through this a stronger and more fulfilled person! I'm sure just leaving your husband has felt like a weight lifted off your shoulders! No matter what, keep your positive attitude, it will do wonders for you!

 

Also, don't forget about looking into public assistance, if just for the medical insurance. I had to go on it for a bit after my divorce for medical issues, it's there for a reason and there is nothing to be ashamed of. It can also help with food, housing and schooling if needed. There are tons of programs out there for single mothers willing to work and not abuse the system until they can get back on their feet. They will also make sure your stbx pays his child support.

 

Good luck to you and ((((WF))))

[White Flower]

Holy Crap! WF you are sure right about All At Once! Everything happens for a reason... and in your case I would really really REALLY like to know what the reason is! So if it is ever revealed to you, could you post it here and share it with us?!?

 

Thanks for the kind words and support, OpenBook.

 

So far I think one of the reasons is because I have been too nice. Yes, there is such a thing. I've been passive in my M because I had a strong mother and my father cheated and I mistakenly thought it was because she was too stubborn or too strong. If I just kept the peace then my H would love me and want to please me. How wrong I was.

 

When a woman constantly pleases her H she just loses herself entirely. I'm not saying we shouldn't please at all, just not too much or to the point we lose our identity and strength.

 

Plus my H enjoys living on the edge. It excites him. I have never felt secure and that eats away at you and they say stress causes disease so in a way I allowed this to happen by not acting sooner. I should have left him years ago but I just wanted to be the perfect family and give my kids two parents who lived together and hopefully loved each other. But, the love died and everything fell apart from there.

 

Going back to school was helping to make me strong. Just hearing my professors tell me how intelligent I was and getting the highest points in some of my classes built up my self-esteem. My H didn't like this. I guess it threatened him. By the way, MM loves reading my papers or just discussing them with me and finds them very interesting. What a guy!

 

I hope that answers your question, but if I've missed anything please tell me.

 

How are you doing since ovary was removed? Does everything still function properly if you know what I mean? I do concern myself with this. Life is short and I want the rest of it to be passionate!

[White Flower]

I've had cysts before, so I feel for you and how painful they can be! It's good they can put you on the pill to shrink them, when I had them, they couldn't put me on the pill because I get migraines from them (that and now I'm 37, and smoke so that's a bad combo)...Load up on advil and use a heating pad, that worked well for me. OB is right, it is amazing how much stuff has changed in the medical field. Everything will be fine...I know it's scary though..

 

Sometimes things have a way of falling into place, and it sounds like you have a good support system all around you.

Thanks, WWIU. I do have wonderful friends and MM for moral support. I think all I have in the way of financial support is my house. My parents are gone, so it's really up to me from here on out.

 

Yeah, I hope I get put on the pill. I heard that for some doctors it is routine. I'll find out this week. I'll find that heating pad just in case the pain starts. I have a feeling of a presence there, but thankfully no pain yet.

[Ariadne]

Wow..

 

----

 

~ He's had gambling issues..when a man cashes out his retirement plan again and again for the purpose of gambling..

 

~ I have children and the youngest is pretty sensitive.

 

~ I found out that I have skin cancer and an ovarian cyst.

 

~ I am still seeing MM

 

~ the A was a little like revenge or payback for all he'd done to us, but the truth is I fell in love

 

~ my H...we are not speaking. When I enter the house he does not raise his head to say hello

 

~ I am a returning student who is wrapping up community college.. I've been accepted to my university

 

~ Where will I be living after the D?

 

~ Can I afford college with working part time as a single parent or will I have to put college off and get a full time job?

 

---------

 

Omg, what a mess. You poor thing.

 

Good luck though, hopefully you'll be able to finish college. It won't be easy but you can do it.

 

This is a new beginning of sorts, things will unfold for you, just go along.

[White Flower]

First, I want to say you are in my thoughts and you will get through this a stronger and more fulfilled person! I'm sure just leaving your husband has felt like a weight lifted off your shoulders! No matter what, keep your positive attitude, it will do wonders for you!

 

Also, don't forget about looking into public assistance, if just for the medical insurance. I had to go on it for a bit after my divorce for medical issues, it's there for a reason and there is nothing to be ashamed of. It can also help with food, housing and schooling if needed. There are tons of programs out there for single mothers willing to work and not abuse the system until they can get back on their feet. They will also make sure your stbx pays his child support.

 

Good luck to you and ((((WF))))

Thanks, Meranna. I've always found your posts to be kind and pensive. And you're right, even though H is down the hall as I type this I feel that weight on my shoulders is lifting. He won't be controlling me any longer and I look forward to having a glass of wine with my girlfriends if I feel like it on a Wednesday night on my patio.

 

I hope to get med insurance in the D settlement but we'll see. I won't mind taking what I can get. This is my country and I have always paid my taxes and so if need be I'll ask for help. No shame here;)

[White Flower]

Wow..

 

 

 

This is a new beginning of sorts, things will unfold for you, just go along.

Thanks Ariadne. I feel it will all come out good.

[Ariadne]

Thanks Ariadne. I feel it will all come out good.

 

Sometimes things turn out better when they just unfold.

 

When the right time comes you'll know just what to do.

 

For now, just drink some diet coke or something. Go to the park with the kids etc.

 

Take it easy. (((White Flower)))

[White Flower]

 

Members of my immediate family have had skin cancer, and they just went and had the area "burned off" and went right on truckin'. It's amazing the medical advances in skincare, it's a lot easier to deal with now. The key is keeping an eye on it, and getting thoroughly checked every 3-6 months.

 

I forgot to mention that mine will have to be removed with the skill of a plastic surgeon. It is close to they and the skin above it is very thin whereas the skin below it much thicker, so hard to match. The kind of cancer I have is slow growing, but can get into bone and cartilage if not removed. It was misdiagnosed for three years so I feel lucky that it didn't get that far.

 

People, please have any lump or so-called blemish checked out. Mine would disappear for months at a time and then come back. It was burned off twice but the true source of the cancer is under the skin.

[White Flower]

Sometimes things turn out better when they just unfold.

 

When the right time comes you'll know just what to do.

 

For now, just drink some diet coke or something. Go to the park with the kids etc.

 

Take it easy. (((White Flower)))

You must know me, lol. I love diet coke and walks in the park.

[bentnotbroken]

I am sure the Lord will bless you with his healing.

[White Flower]

I am sure the Lord will bless you with his healing.

 

Thanks, Bent. I hope so.

[LakesideDream]

White Flower,

 

You certainly have a lot on your plate right now. More than I would have guessed.

 

Your H's gambling thing is serious. It's possible some people here don't understand it. Where I live (currently) gambling is legal, and there are Casino's everywhere. When I moved here 10 years ago I didn't gamble at all. I couldn never afford it raising kids, and I didn't start.

 

After my divorce I slowly started the "gaming" thing. While it never affected my lifestyle, it certainly ate up a lot of the extra's and made saving impossible. Luckily I lost interest middle last year and haven't missed it. Gambling is often a way for people to fight being lonely, did you know that? I didn't "quit" gambling, I lost interest.

 

I now know many people who's life is consumed by gambling. They have great incomes, and live in trailers, driving 20 year old cars because every dollar is wasted looking for the score. If your husband is one of those there is no hope other than just quitting.

 

I am agast as well to read of your health problems. I have some to. They are hard to work around. You say yours are easily controlled, that is a blessing.

 

Your writing describes a good, and loving person. With just the smallest piece of luck you will come through these travails intact. I will say some prayers!