All at once

[Chrome Barracuda]

Surprise, surprise I'm going to say something controversial:

 

If the outcome is the same either way, does it really matter which way you did it?

 

To address your next point about how much animosity is found in a M, I am now divorced and I never cheated...But I can say I hated my XH when we were married for so many things: for taking away every right I had, for telling me every day I was nothing and no other man would ever want me, for leaving me alone pretty much all hours of the day, every day to be with his "best friend" and me to care for our two babies alone, for him smoking pot every day, several times a day...the list goes on and on...

 

Have I forgiven him? I guess I have for the most part...I just tell myself to forgive him because he's an idiot...And I'm pretty indifferent until he does stupid crap with our kids like take them to see Jackass 2 when they're in kindergarten and 2nd grade...

 

So you can try and judge WF, but let me tell you, when M goes bad, it goes very bad...and people handle it in different ways...So that's why I say until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes, don't judge them...

 

Because like your last line says, she's an adult and makes her own decisions...

 

I'm not judging WF sorry if it comes across like that. but here it is. If anything she could have just left. but her actions on par with his has just been destructive as well. Two wrongs dont make a right.

 

I aint saying he's not responsible for the divorce if he nutured his marriage with love maybe they wouldnt be where they are today.

 

And you are right everyone has free will, and everyone makes their own decisions. All I'm doing is asking her is that the right decision she wants to make for herself. Seeing as her husband commited the same aggregious acts against her. Two wrongs dont make a right.

 

And let me reiterate, I said my moms smoking was capable of making her own decisions, Smoking is a whole nother beast from cheating and having affairs , no?

 

I wish WF well and getting better.

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm not judging WF sorry if it comes across like that. but here it is. If anything she could have just left.

 

And let me reiterate, I said my moms smoking was capable of making her own decisions, Smoking is a whole nother beast from cheating and having affairs , no?

 

Sometimes it isn't as easy as just leaving...

 

There's always circumstances to consider...I knew I was leaving my XH, but it took me 2 years cuz on a one-time flook I ended up pregnant and I was still in school and had two babies to care for...I didn't have a job...I had to wait until I finished my degree, got a good paying job and my children at least were 2 and 4...

 

Luckily, I did have family to fall back on, but not everyone does...

 

And I wasn't saying anything about your mom's smoking...

[jj2007]

I thought I would make my 1000th post by starting a new thread and give an update on my sitch.

 

I hope to not give out TMI so I'll cut some of the details and if it seems lacking please PM me.

 

Many of you know that my H has not acted like a real H in a long time. He's had gambling issues, among many others, but he's practically gambled our lives away. It sounds like an exaggeration, but when a man cashes out his retirement plan again and again for the purpose of gambling one tends to feel an insecurity that is unimaginable. You throw in an EA with another woman (could have been PA but no confession of that) and total lack of consideration for your W (me) then all hell breaks lose.

 

I had held out as long as I could because I have children and the youngest is pretty sensitive. When I first began communicating the idea of a separation or divorce, my two older kids were behind me all the way and thought I deserved happiness and knew I was never going to get it with H. My youngest was instant waterworks and couldn't talk about it so I put it off for her sake. Finally a couple of weeks ago she told me she thought I would be better off without him. The next day I gave my lawyer a retainer.

 

I should also add that my H wouldn't go for an uncontested D and it would cost us everything in lawyers fees to D. So, I held out thinking I could eventually show him the financial benefit of filing uncontested. After all, more money in the end means more for him to gamble freely, right?

 

It is only by a small miracle that I had the money for that retainer. To keep this a short story instead of a novel I'll hold off explaining that one for a while.

 

The day after I saw my lawyer I found out that I have skin cancer and an ovarian cyst. I feel lucky, though, because I am not in any pain and both are treatable with surgery and I won't be dealing with chemo. Hopefully I'll just go on the pill to shrink the cyst but I see my OBgyn this week and she'll let me know her plan of action. I am avoiding surgery on that like the plague, lol. I told myself that I am going to smile all the way through this. Please remind me of that from time to time, OK?

 

I am still seeing MM and when I told him about all this he said, "We'll get through this." He said 'we'll'...I've never heard such words from my H. I almost cried.

 

I did not tell my H any of this as we are not speaking. When I enter the house he does not raise his head to say hello. He just keeps on working on his computer and acts like I do not exist. He's had a feeling that something is going on for a while now and I can't blame him for that, but he has never come right out and asked me so I have never offered up the info. It was over anyway, so why tell him anything? He never told me about the millions he's gambled away and took that money without my knowledge or consent so why should I fess anything up to him?

 

I do regret not leaving him before the A. I did struggle with putting the kids through a D, especially my youngest. There was a time that I felt the A was a little like revenge or payback for all he'd done to us, but the truth is I fell in love with someone who was good and right for me who has gotten me through all of this, surprisingly. Once I was able to see it all clearly I was able to make a decision. My dignity is not worth losing anymore.

 

Some of you also know that I am a returning student who is wrapping up community college and graduating with honors. I've been accepted to my university of choice and feel very proud of that. MM was ecstatic for me; H did not say a word.

 

A couple of days ago my H said he was ready to go for the uncontested D. That doesn't mean he won't contest, but it was something. I asked my daughter if she told him of my skin cancer and cyst issue and she said yes she had two days before. He wants to end it before he has to pay for any medical bills and look like a bad guy for not holding my hand through it all. Actually, I am glad. He was never much comfort anyway.

 

MM continues to give me the emotional support that I thrive on. I know if I never met him that I would get through it somehow, but I have to admit that it is easier with him by my side. I guess I should say on my side. He has been the voice of reason for me lately and my moral support. Truly, my greatest gift along with my children.

 

The hardest part in all of this is not knowing which way is up. Where will I be living after the D? Will I keep the house or be forced to sell it? Can I afford college with working part time as a single parent or will I have to put college off and get a full time job? Will I heal soon enough from my upcoming procedures and start my semester on time? Will H really pay his alimony/child support or should I just have it all calculated and put into the house so that I am sure to actually see that money? So many questions like spinning cups and saucers over my head.

 

So, I ask for clarity from you and please try not to flame me as I just don't need any more stress at this point. I hope to respond quickly to your posts but as you can see I am a very busy woman these days. Thanks for listening.

 

(((((WF)))))

 

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to tell you that I think you are one amazing lady! I am so sorry for what you are going through!

You are very strong and you will get through this! I hope you get everything your heart desires! Look forward to your new life! You deserve all the happiness in the world!

[silktricks]

WF, you need to take really really good care of yourself right now. Treat YOU well, and don't let anything take you down further.

 

Keep in mind that you are a great person with a great life ahead of you. You will beat this stuff - for sure. Depression can be a killer, so stave it off and think good thoughts. I'm glad you have someone on your side.

[White Flower]

Hang in there. Hug's to you!

 

AP:)

Thanks, AP. I haven't been around LS for a while so didn't know you were going through a D. Sorry to hear it. You hang in there too, OK?

[White Flower]

See and this is where we differ. The bad things he did did not force you to have an affair. The affair was a conscious choice you made. And also if was one he made too. Two wrongs dont make a right. If he cheated , you could have just filed LSA papers saying the marriage vows are broken, which they were.

 

Dont do wrong and then proceed to blame him for it. The reason he didnt want to leave the home is for legal reason's. It aint controlling if he left he knew he would have to under the law forefit his rights to the house. He wasnt that stupid.

 

and you are doing him dirty much like he did you, again, two wrongs dont make it right. There is a right way of doing things, and the wrong way.

 

If you are getting D'vorced right then why cant you come to a point of forgiveness within your heart, is the animosity and resentment that heavy. I do not wish you congradulations on your affair. I wish for you to get better first and then go out and find someone.

 

My moms smoking developing lung cancer. I dont know, but that's on her. I cant force her to quit. She's an adult and makes her own decisions.

 

But I will look into the lung cancer study.

Yes, we will always differ and that's OK. I never hoped that two wrongs would make a right. But it all made it right for me to leave. I could go back and not have the A, but I took the chance of losing the greatest love of my life and all for what? A marriage that was doomed anyway.

 

No, H isn't stupid. He is very crafty. As long as he keeps me in the M he has more money to gamble away with my income. He can lose 2 mil in a year and I'm not even allowed to have the dirty carpets cleaned. Chrome, don't focus so much on how a man gets hurt in an A. Focus on the entire picture.

 

I will forgive H in due time. I have always been a forgiving soul and to a degree that may have been one of my faults. H took advantage of that trait in me.

[White Flower]

WF knows what she needs to know to make her decision. I'm not going to judge the decisions she is making. Life is much much shorter than any of us realize when we are in our 20's or 30's. Those years wasted in a bad situation can never be recovered.

Life is so short. I watched my parents suffer unhappy lives only to die fairly young. I will live the rest of my life full of love and joy.

 

Thanks, LSD.

[White Flower]

WF - what can I say? You're an incredible woman. That you haven't already quietly put a pillow over your STBXH's face in the night is to be commended. I cannot imagine going through what you have as long as you have. You're a better woman than I - I would have left him long ago. It's hard trying to balance what's "right for the kids" with taking care of yourself, but you've done a fantastic job. As for the D, your illness... You will get through this. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," but maybe that isn't possible in your case. You've already shown yourself to be a mighty force to be reckoned with!

 

All the best, hon!

Thanks so much, SOC. I am really touched by what you just said. Hugs right back at ya:laugh:

[White Flower]

(((((WF)))))

 

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to tell you that I think you are one amazing lady! I am so sorry for what you are going through!

You are very strong and you will get through this! I hope you get everything your heart desires! Look forward to your new life! You deserve all the happiness in the world!

Thanks, jj2007. I don't know about amazing but I'll take the rest, lol. Hugs right back.

[marlena]

White Flower,

 

Gambling is one of the hardest addictions to overcome. I don't think you need this man in your life. He spells destruction in capital letters. You have your children, your intelligence, your goals and dreams and these are more than enough to start over again. Do not be afriad of the unknown. Often it is a much better place than the awful reality we allow our lives to become.

 

One day, you will look back and wonder why you wasted so many years with a man who cared more for a deck of cards than his own wife and three children.

 

You already have the attitude of a winner.

 

Take care of yourself and your children.

 

Marlena

[White Flower]

WF, you need to take really really good care of yourself right now. Treat YOU well, and don't let anything take you down further.

 

Keep in mind that you are a great person with a great life ahead of you. You will beat this stuff - for sure. Depression can be a killer, so stave it off and think good thoughts. I'm glad you have someone on your side.

I have been prone to depression in my life. I keep telling myself to think positive and smile. I also surround myself with wonderful friends and my children are a great joy to me. Of course, MM keeps me from being depressed, too. Depression hasn't been an issue for me in a long time.

 

Actually, I think when I began to realize years ago that things were just not going to improve with H I got really depressed. Doc called it borderline depression because I was still functioning. She also said I had the kind that comes from being overwhelmed. H didn't take me seriously and it was always his way and I allowed it to be. So, I kind of allowed the depression to happen.

 

When I took my life back (which was a process made over the years) I rarely felt depressed. It is so much better to deal with things than to let it get worse and worse.

 

Thanks, ST.

[White Flower]

 

You already have the attitude of a winner.

 

That will be my new mantra:rolleyes:

 

Thanks, Marlena.

[White Flower]

Well I found out today that the cyst has grown to almost 6 cm. Doc is giving me til the end of the month for it to shrink before surgery. The good news is that it looks benign but she is concerned about its growth and my age. Even if it shrinks by 1cm by then she will reconsider the surgery. I need positive thoughts, friends:)

[Zolie]

Well I found out today that the cyst has grown to almost 6 cm. Doc is giving me til the end of the month for it to shrink before surgery. The good news is that it looks benign but she is concerned about its growth and my age. Even if it shrinks by 1cm by then she will reconsider the surgery. I need positive thoughts, friends:)

 

Positive thoughts coming your way!

 

I'm just glad you have a doctor who is being very thorough.

 

I didn't know your story until I read this post. I'm glad you managed to get out of your dismal marriage. I for one know how hard it is to do, with all of the worries about finances and such, not to mention worries about the kids, and giving up the old dreams.

 

Best of luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

That's good news WF. I am sending you all good thoughts and positive energy!

 

Sidenote - Do yoga. It helps so much, not only for depression and anxiety, but your body and mind feel so peaceful afterwards. If you can manage to do 20 minutes a day, whether you join a group or buy a tape/dvd and do it at home, it makes a huge difference.

[nextel]

Reading your post made me realize that you are a strong woman and going after what you want. Take care of your health, your children and secure your happiness.

 

I don't think there is anything I can write that you have not already thought of because you are doing it. But if there is anything else I can add (thats if you haven't already thought about it), whatever you do......

 

 

Take care of you first. Don't go on H's words, you do you. If you feel safer putting everything into the house in order to ensure you and the children are taken care of, then do so. But do you first. Don't feel guilty for securing your future and the future of your children. Get what you can and take care of you.

 

 

BTW: that includes completing school!

[White Flower]

Positive thoughts coming your way!

 

I'm just glad you have a doctor who is being very thorough.

 

I didn't know your story until I read this post. I'm glad you managed to get out of your dismal marriage. I for one know how hard it is to do, with all of the worries about finances and such, not to mention worries about the kids, and giving up the old dreams.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Thanks, Zolie. Thorough she is. She delivered all 3 of my children and I am so grateful to have her. She wasn't too keen on me taking the pill to shrink it, but she did say if it shrunk at all by the end of the most she would consider it.

 

BTW, ever since I saw her today I can feel the cyst. It kind of throbs, but does not hurt, thankfully.

 

I'm not out of the M yet but at the very least H stays out of my way. It is hard breathing while in the same room with him so I look forward to moving out day--whoever and whenever that is.

[White Flower]

That's good news WF. I am sending you all good thoughts and positive energy!

 

Sidenote - Do yoga. It helps so much, not only for depression and anxiety, but your body and mind feel so peaceful afterwards. If you can manage to do 20 minutes a day, whether you join a group or buy a tape/dvd and do it at home, it makes a huge difference.

 

I think I will. That's the 3rd time I've heard that this week. It must be a sign;)

 

Thanks, WW!

[Zolie]

Thanks, Zolie. Thorough she is. She delivered all 3 of my children and I am so grateful to have her. She wasn't too keen on me taking the pill to shrink it, but she did say if it shrunk at all by the end of the most she would consider it.

 

BTW, ever since I saw her today I can feel the cyst. It kind of throbs, but does not hurt, thankfully.

 

I'm not out of the M yet but at the very least H stays out of my way. It is hard breathing while in the same room with him so I look forward to moving out day--whoever and whenever that is.

 

Oooops, I must have misread that you have already left. But, at least you have made the decision to end the marriage and he has agreed to a no contest divorce. That is progress!

[White Flower]

Reading your post made me realize that you are a strong woman and going after what you want. Take care of your health, your children and secure your happiness.

 

I don't think there is anything I can write that you have not already thought of because you are doing it. But if there is anything else I can add (thats if you haven't already thought about it), whatever you do......

 

 

Take care of you first. Don't go on H's words, you do you. If you feel safer putting everything into the house in order to ensure you and the children are taken care of, then do so. But do you first. Don't feel guilty for securing your future and the future of your children. Get what you can and take care of you.

 

 

BTW: that includes completing school!

 

LOL, thanks Nextel. I am doing all of the above.

 

I was telling the doc today that I reaaallllyy would like to avoid surgery especially as she prefers the more invasive laperoscopy as opposed to the laperotomy. (English is her 2nd language and I haven't googled this yet so hope I haven't switched things around, lol). She doesn't like the less invasive one because she gets concerned with cysts that pop through the tight spaces and if they're cancerous the cancer can spread. But like I said, mine looked clear on the ultra-sound.

 

So how have you been? How's the R going?

[Lyssa]

Well I found out today that the cyst has grown to almost 6 cm. Doc is giving me til the end of the month for it to shrink before surgery. The good news is that it looks benign but she is concerned about its growth and my age. Even if it shrinks by 1cm by then she will reconsider the surgery. I need positive thoughts, friends:)

 

Sending positive vibes your way, WF!

 

I'm not a big fan of surgeries so I hope you don't have to go through it. Don't forget to smile today!!

[White Flower]

Sending positive vibes your way, WF!

 

I'm not a big fan of surgeries so I hope you don't have to go through it. Don't forget to smile today!!

 

Thanks, Lyssa. I just did!

[annieo]

Hi WF, you have given me some support on these pages and I would like to (hopefully) reciprocate. I was once told (after an ultrasound) that I had an ovarian cyst, then they backtracked and said it wasn't a cyst, but a spot where an an egg had just broken through (can't remember the latin term right now, corpus something or other). I also have a small cyst on a kidney (also post-ultrasound for other stuff), which is apparently not a big deal (I have yet to hear directly from my doctor, although her receptionist assures me that if there was a problem, I would have heard - hope they're right). On the net, I have read that 50% of people over 50 have one or more cysts on their kidneys (but for the record, I'm not 50 yet!!!)

I kind of like the word cyst (hey, we're all getting older and lumpier, right?) better than the words "tumour" and "mass". Hopefully, you haven't heard those.

Hold onto the positive. Most of the things we worry about come to nothing.

When I think of all the time I have lost sleep over nothing...so lose no sleep.

By the way, this is my mother talking. This is exactly what she would say to me. Good luck with everything, and for past posts, thank you! so much.

[White Flower]

Hi WF, you have given me some support on these pages and I would like to (hopefully) reciprocate. I was once told (after an ultrasound) that I had an ovarian cyst, then they backtracked and said it wasn't a cyst, but a spot where an an egg had just broken through (can't remember the latin term right now, corpus something or other). I also have a small cyst on a kidney (also post-ultrasound for other stuff), which is apparently not a big deal (I have yet to hear directly from my doctor, although her receptionist assures me that if there was a problem, I would have heard - hope they're right). On the net, I have read that 50% of people over 50 have one or more cysts on their kidneys (but for the record, I'm not 50 yet!!!)

I kind of like the word cyst (hey, we're all getting older and lumpier, right?) better than the words "tumour" and "mass". Hopefully, you haven't heard those.

Hold onto the positive. Most of the things we worry about come to nothing.

When I think of all the time I have lost sleep over nothing...so lose no sleep.

By the way, this is my mother talking. This is exactly what she would say to me. Good luck with everything, and for past posts, thank you! so much.

You are quite welcome, Annieo. You're a great gal. And thanks for the support.

 

I decided to give up coffee and to start drinking as much water as I can tolerate. I really don't drink enough.

 

And yes, I'm really happy that I have not heard the words mass or tumor, thank God!

[OWoman]

Well I found out today that the cyst has grown to almost 6 cm. Doc is giving me til the end of the month for it to shrink before surgery. The good news is that it looks benign but she is concerned about its growth and my age. Even if it shrinks by 1cm by then she will reconsider the surgery. I need positive thoughts, friends:)

 

WF your body is talking to you. It's putting YOU back on the agenda and forcing you to put some of your attention and focus there. H, kids, MM, studies, work... can all use less. Right now YOU need more of you. Take care of you! And spend time only with others who're wanting to prioritise you, too. More energy in, less energy out, until your balance is righted.

 

((hugs)), as always