And so it ends...

[Star Gazer]

This fits in so many different sections because so many different issues are at play.

 

Some of you have inferred this from my recent posts. Yes, BF and I did break up. I avoided talking about it publicly because, quite honestly, I knew that certain people here would come out of the woodworks to mock me, laugh at me, have a field day at my expense. I knew there were plenty of you who I could rely upon to support me and help me through this ridiculously tough time – people who I trust to tell me the truth, straight up. So I contacted them – quite a few of them, actually – and received some of the best advice I never thought I would. I chose the PM route to avoid getting caught up in the posts from those who enjoy being hurtful, and so that others could avoid it too. But now I see there’s a greater benefit to not only myself, but others here experiencing a similar heartbreak, in opening this situation up for public discussion. That said, it’s my hope – nay, my expectation – that those who have chastised me in the past (you know who you are) stay away from this thread. The moment I see a mean-spirited post, you will be reported.

 

Okay, so on to my current state of affairs.

 

Things were seemingly going well until last weekend when he had plans to have dinner with his friends (who are all couples), and I got a weird feeling that he’d be flirting with some new women. He kindly laughed off a joke I made about it, but I just felt odd about it. On his way home from dinner, he called me and was a little too happy…if you know what I mean. I sensed he was covering up guilt. Turns out my instinct was right.

 

He ended our relationship this week after I pressed him on setting a date for my upcoming visit. He was so full of “I don’t know, I don’t know, Star…let me think about it.” I pressed on, thinking that he should be jumping at the chance to see me. He ultimately confessed that he cannot handle a long-distance relationship, that “temptation is all around,” and that he’d already been tempted – even though he’s only been gone three weeks. That night when he went out with his friends, he had indeed met a woman who tempted him, and made him realize that he cannot handle the 550 miles that separates us, despite the fact I had offered to visit him nearly every single weekend. I believe I know who this girl is from his MySpace page, and she is just… um, not classy.

 

This obviously reflects his feelings for me. I struggle with this. While I knew in my heart that he didn’t feel as strongly about me as I did for him, I did believe his feelings were strong enough so as to not feel “tempted” by other women. He was pretty damn good to me while he was here, and our connection leading up to him leaving and in the first 2-3 weeks after he left was incredibly strong. He readily admits that he’s never had better – never had someone treat him as well, be so loyal and dedicated, who he’s had a better sex life with, who he’s felt as comfortable with, who he’s had just a strong “connection” with. But apparently that’s not enough to withstand 3 weeks apart.

 

We’ve kept in contact nearly every day since, most often playing phone tag, but also having some normal conversations. Why? He wants to remain friends, but how exactly is that supposed to work? Regardless of its impact on me, what’s the benefit to him – 550 miles away – to remain friends? To keep me on the hook until he knows whether or not he’d be moving back? I could see his desire to remain friends if we actually got to see each other – to play pool, see a movie, grab a beer, ski!, etc. – but with the inability to see one another, why is my friendship so important to him? That said, admittedly, I'm the one who initiates contact and he responds. I can't face the fact that if I were to discontinue contacting him, I'd probably never hear from him again.

 

At first, I was crushed, absolutely devastated. I gave this relationship my all, but my all wasn’t good enough. I fought for this relationship until the end. Never begging or anything pathetic like that, but he knew I was willing to do anything to make it work. Then I went through a short period of numbness. Now I’m just sad. Very, very sad. Disappointed. Lonely. Longing. I miss him something terrible. But what exactly do I miss? The selfish dude who only thinks about himself? The amazing sex? The guy who couldn’t or wouldn’t or didn’t want to give me what I need? The guy who treated our relationship with so much ambivalence that the best he could do was tread water? The guy who couldn’t be bothered to put in any effort once our relationship wasn’t “easy” anymore?

 

I’ve spoken to my therapist in depth about him – about his relationship history, his family background, his career issues, etc. – and she’s simply of the opinion that he’s incapable of having a relationship with anyone right now. Many of you have told me the same thing via PM. It’s not me, it’s him. At times, I agree whole-heartedly. But then sadness creeps in and I think, “But if I was enough, he would be able….” Why can’t I stop that line of thinking when deep-down I do know that I am enough? That he’s lucky to have (have had?) me in his life?

 

I find the timing of this breakup interesting. He had just recently started initiating phone-sex with me, and days later he’s so tempted so as to end our relationship. Is he seriously THAT horny? My therapist says no, that he basically feels so sh*tty about himself and the state of his life right now that the only thing that makes him feel better is social interaction with women (flirting, socializing, hooking up, sex)… that it’s the only ego stroke he’s able to get right now. He’s unable to feel good about himself because of the state of his life – unemployed, broke, living at home with his mother, taking forever to get through the employment process – so he relies on others to make him feel worthwhile. I was one of those people, but he doesn’t have physical access to me anymore. He would and did while he was still here, but without that, he’s got nothing to make himself happy. She said that in saying, “I don’t want you to rely on me for happiness, I’ve done that before, and it sucks…” that he was projecting his reliance onto me. I really didn’t think I was relying on him for happiness, and I can now see how he did with me.

 

One of you who I’ve been corresponding with said that she believes I am “desperate to be loved,” so much so that I clung to his moments of affection, disregarding all the times that he withheld. My love for him may have been based on the way he treated me while he was here, not who he is as a person, and only how he treated me when he was in a good place emotionally/mentally. Why is that? Why am I so desperate to be loved that I overlook glaring issues?

 

My coworker asked me, “When you think about the guy who you want to spend the rest of your life with, does he fit the picture?” I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about that person, what he’d be like, what he’d bring to the table. But after a few of our recent conversations, I don’t think BF is that person.

 

In an odd turn of events, I recently met someone who – if forced to think about that image of the perfect guy for me – almost seems to fit the bill, and in ways BF never would have (if only just considering interests). I’m not about to run off and start a new relationship with this guy, but just the thought of him scares the sh*t out of me. He’s being nice, and sweet, and flirty, and complimentary – but not over the top… but just like BF did. I see myself getting sucked in again – perhaps not by this new guy, but by someone else – and being blinded again, going through this whole experience over and over and over again. I don’t think I can handle another one of these doozies of a breakup.

 

Now-ex BF will never find someone who treats him as well as I did. Of this I am certain. He’ll also come back, in one way or another. That I know too. But because I know he can’t give me what I want, why do I want him to come back? Why do I want him to call me, to miss me, to tell me he’s made a mistake? How do I heal from this?

[Art_Critic]

Star.. I'm so sorry that you are going thru a breakup ***hugs***

 

No mocking here... I understand that the human condition means no absolutes.. it could easily have worked out and been a success story as much as not..

 

Are you angry at him ?

[Letranger]

Star Gazer,

I am so sorry about what happened. I have read your posts and find you an endearing and trusting woman with much to offer. I think anyone lucky enough to get to know you would realize the same.

 

I could never see anyone wanting to mock you at such an event.

There is much to comment on, but for now, please take care.

 

I believe you are a very special person and will eventually find that someone special for you.

 

Please don't lose hope.

 

How do you heal? Time and keeping things in their proper perspective. Don't feed your head with what happened with stuff you can only speculate on.

 

Look at yourself for who and what you really are and you should be fine.

I am sure there some here on LS that is always here for you.

[Star Gazer]

Star.. I'm so sorry that you are going thru a breakup ***hugs***

 

No mocking here... I understand that the human condition means no absolutes.. it could easily have worked out and been a success story as much as not..

 

Are you angry at him ?

 

Thanks, Art.

 

No, I'm not angry at him. I wish I was, this would all be a lot easier. I don't understand him, and I know he's struggling with other sh*t in his life.

[melodymatters]

Ah gee Star, I am sorry. It does seem that many types who choose to go into law enforcement are not really in touch with their emotions and therefore are not able to give, wholly and completely.

 

There's nothing to be done but live through this, and try to learn from it.

 

I liked what you friend said about picturing your ideal partner because when I just did it : he's nothing like the guys I've dated ! So thanks for that piece of wisdom.

 

Well if love were easy, there wouldn't be a love shack. I am so sorry you are hurting, but you are so pretty, smart and giving, at least you have the comfort of knowing the game is not over for you yet. It just feels like it sometime though, huh ?

 

 

Well, Star, again, I'm sorry for your pain. I wish I could offer you more than a bunny or two.

[oppath]

I feel a lot like your ex. I wasn't becoming more close with a girl largely because with other areas of my life, I feel pretty unhappy and worthless. I haven't been dating much, but one reason I wasn't committing to her was because the option of flirting with others, it gave me some value. I don't feel any woman could lift me away from the **** I am going through in my own mind.

 

We've still been talking. I just emailed her saying "this isn't fair. We either need to talk about everything, our feelings for each other, and discuss if there is any chance for us, or we need to give each other space because if I feel confused, I suspect you do too." Basically, we need to go for broke or stop talking. I identify with your bf and it hurts me because I have not always been that way and I feel bad for my girl because I think she is like you and she has strong feelings for me. I'm very unhappy in my career and social life and to be honest. Unlike your bf, I won't use her to fill those roles while she is nearby. My own feelings of inadequacy are a big reason it didn't work out. Maybe that means she is not the one.

 

He's not the one, Star. No contact is not for everyone, but you know that you need to let go soon. I am sorry this has not worked out for you. Perhaps it will serve as a lesson, that when someone questions his ability to commit, take it at face value. At the same time, I am proud of you for going for what you want. You now have no what-if's. You are courageous and so deserving of love that I am certain you will meet the love of your life.

[Lauriebell82]

Hey SG! I'm sorry that you are going through this. You know you can always talk to me. I think you are going to be ok. The best course of action is for you to move on. I don't think bieng his "friend" is such a good idea..it's going to make it harder for you to get over him.

 

Now this new guy you didn't tell me about. Has he asked you out yet? I don't think you should be scared. Yes, there is a chance you could get hurt, but there is always a chance I think. But you won't know unless you try! You deserve a great guy who loves you very much. You are sweet, smart and funny and deserve a guy who can see all that! But you have to not let this get you down. Dont take yourself out of the game! Because if you do there is some wonderful guy out there who is meant to make you happy and he won't have had the chance to get to know you. So maybe just take things slow and let yourself heal. We are always here for you no matter what.

[Star Gazer]

I feel a lot like your ex. I wasn't becoming more close with a girl largely because with other areas of my life, I feel pretty unhappy and worthless. I haven't been dating much, but one reason I wasn't committing to her was because the option of flirting with others, it gave me some value. I don't feel any woman could lift me away from the **** I am going through in my own mind.

 

I over-simplified my therapist's explanations of why he can't give me what I want NOW (unhappy, etc.) while he was able to at the beginning of our relationship (confident, happy, assured, etc.). But the truth of the matter has always been that if you don't love yourself, you're not going to be capable of loving anyone else. I think that's where he is, and for that, I am sad. I wish he had the capacity to love (me or anyone else) even a fraction of as much as I love him. To know that he will continue to experience that emptiness until he finds something which fills his soul deeply saddens me.

 

You are courageous and so deserving of love that I am certain you will meet the love of your life.

 

Thank you. That statement was very touching.

[whichwayisup]

You know what I think, but honestly, better now than 6 months from now.

 

Not too sure if you should keep a friendship with him because of how you feel..But, it's up to you on how to detach and handle this. If you feel having contact once in a while will help you get over him, fine - But, if you are keeping your heart open to him, in hopes that he'll change his mind and come back to you, don't be friends at all and end it now, never speak to him again.

 

Be alone for a while, enjoy the flirting but don't get attached! Use that to make yourself feel good about you!

 

Sorry that you're hurting, your ex doesn't deserve you! His loss, not yours...Yeah, cliche expression, but it's true.

[oppath]

There is always the honest approach too with new guys. Some men won't be put off if you say "to be honest, I just got out of a relationship and am still a little hurt." As long as you don't talk about your last relationship while out with him, admitting your status can take all the pressure off and he might not care. He might think "well, I still want to take her out. I'll see for myself after a few weeks if she's hung up on him. Let's go have some fun."

 

Or you can say nothing. If you go out with him, however, and all you are thinking about is your hurt from ex-bf, then that would be a great time to reveal it. Being honest can take the pressure off.

 

That is my advice for this new guy. Go out with him. If you think about ex, if it interferes with fun, just tell him the truth.

[Star Gazer]

Now this new guy you didn't tell me about. Has he asked you out yet? I don't think you should be scared. Yes, there is a chance you could get hurt, but there is always a chance I think.

 

Quite honestly, I'm just as scared of hurting HIM by unintentionally using him to make me feel better as I am of getting hurt myself. He hasn't exactly asked me out, but he's hinted at it... the whole, "Have any plans tomorrow night?" deal that would have lead to a date invitation if I hadn't responded by telling him about my plans.

 

And thanks again for being one of my PM pals.

[whichwayisup]

"Have any plans tomorrow night?"

 

Then you say, "Yeah, I do actually! I have a date with my kleenex box, and some chocolate!" Trust me, he'll realize what is going on...Maybe he can help you through it, just be honest and upfront about it all. Tell him you don't want to hurt him but you do appreciate his friendship.

[Star Gazer]

I have delusions of grandeur that ex-BF will show up on my doorstep on Valentine's Day with all of the accoutrements of love.

[johan]

Star, I'm sorry to hear about your pain and sadness. I would say you deserve better, but in modern relationships I believe you deserve what you settle for. And you settled for a lot, based on your hope for something better. It's a little ironic that now "better" is a lot more available to you than it was while you were focused on this guy.

 

I think you'll learn from this and approach the next one a bit differently. You'll have greater expectations and more ability to see what you're getting for what it is instead of what you hope it turns into. And this will make you both a better mate and also better able to pick a good one.

 

Hang in there. I think this is for the best.

[Lauriebell82]

Quite honestly, I'm just as scared of hurting HIM by unintentionally using him to make me feel better as I am of getting hurt myself. He hasn't exactly asked me out, but he's hinted at it... the whole, "Have any plans tomorrow night?" deal that would have lead to a date invitation if I hadn't responded by telling him about my plans.

 

And thanks again for being one of my PM pals.

 

Well, then maybe it would be best to just cool it for awhile and let yourself heal. I highly doubt there are a shortage of men out there for you because you are so great, so I know that you will find a great guy. He's out there!

 

And your welcome..PM anytime you need me.

[Star Gazer]

I would say you deserve better, but in modern relationships I believe you deserve what you settle for. And you settled for a lot, based on your hope for something better.

 

I did settle, you're right. I was just so caught up in who he was at the beginning, how he treated me then, how dedicated he was to our relationship. That's the guy I fell for, and I believe deep down at his core he is still that guy.

 

BUT he's also a guy who's very easily shaken (either when it comes to us or life's circumstances). When life gets ticky, he turns into a person who's incapable of being in a relationship. I know that I want - no, NEED - to be with a guy who's not a wimp when it comes to relationships, and I can't settle for someone who will require me to do all the fighting for us.

[Dumbledore]

Some great posts. However, this isn't going to be one of them.

 

I'm so sorry, Star. That sucks. I suppose you'll just have to charge your bunny up, and try again.

[Ariadne]

He ended our relationship this week after I pressed him on setting a date for my upcoming visit.

 

 

he’s had just a strong “connection” with. But apparently that’s not enough to withstand 3 weeks apart.

 

 

I gave this relationship my all, but my all wasn’t good enough. I fought for this relationship until the end.

 

 

I recently met someone... I see myself getting sucked in again – perhaps not by this new guy, but by someone else

 

 

Wow...

 

Well, it doesn't seem like you are too heartbroken for some odd reason, yes, pretty bummed but that's all.

 

I agree that that guy was probably not the perfect match for you.

[Star Gazer]

Well, it doesn't seem like you are too heartbroken for some odd reason, yes, pretty bummed but that's all.

 

You know, this concerns me. I went from utter devastation on Tuesday and Wednesday - crying so hard I couldn't breathe, holding myself up by hanging on to a wall - to this weird sense of numbness and relief come Thursday. I'm still somewhat in that numb place, perhaps I'm still in denial that it's over. Or perhaps I've been mourning this relationship since December, the way you mourn a dying relative while they're sick, only to find a sense of peace, relief, and saddness after they're gone.

[Art_Critic]

Or perhaps I've been mourning this relationship since December,

 

I vote for this.. give yourself a break SG....

[oppath]

And you will probably have a day where you feel on top of the world, completely free, and then a week from now cry again. That is how breakups go. I think you have taken this hard, but you have been mourning it in some way since THANKSGIVING. Grieving is a weird thing and I suspect you have a rollercoaster ride of emotions in front of you, but the hills get smaller near the end.

[Art_Critic]

Don't overthink this too much SG.. you have been grieving the relationship for a while now...

[Ariadne]

Yeah,

 

this weird sense of numbness and relief come Thursday. I'm still somewhat in that numb place, perhaps I'm still in denial that it's over.

 

That's weird. I think maybe you knew in your heart that that guy was not the one.

 

Like some guys that you have crushes on, but when you break up or things don't go well you feel bad for a short while and then, whatever.

 

Dunno.

 

Or maybe it's because you are sure he'll come back. It could be that too.

 

Or it could be that you got turned off by his lack of interest. I get very romantic when I sense that the other person loves be back with the same intensity (or the illusion anyway) but the moment I feel certain that that person doesn't love me, I fall out of love in that instant.

 

Maybe a bit of all.

[Star Gazer]

Don't overthink this too much SG.. you have been grieving the relationship for a while now...

 

I have. I totally have.

 

But why do I want him back? Why do I want him to call me and tell me he misses me? Why do I want him to tell me he's made the biggest mistake of his life??

[whichwayisup]

Because you've had in him your daily life for a while now, you're used to seeing/hearing from him...Now, all that is gone. It's not just about him, it's about the progession of your relationship, what you put into it, all that energy and love. He's gone and you're left holding the bag, wanting to love, to give....Make sense?