Author Star Gazer Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 All I can say is I hope you'll stop being delusional now, and listen when people give you advice you don't want to hear. Just because you don't want to hear something doesn't mean it will become less of a reality. Just as many people gave me positive feedback. So who am I supposed to listen to? Only the advice that hurts and is mean? No, thanks. I will ALWAYS follow my heart, and try to temper that with my head. You had a lucky escape! That man sounded like a commitment phobe loser! If only I felt as though I had actually escaped! He still has quite a hold on my heart... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 (((SG)))................... If you lived closer I would share some chocolate with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 (((SG)))................... If you lived closer I would share some chocolate with you. Yes me too! There should be a chocolate emoticon. Maybe chocolate bunny for easter. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 If only I felt as though I had actually escaped! He still has quite a hold on my heart... SG, what can this guy give you that no other man can? I'm curious because when I look at the situation logically, he really didn't have much going for him other than you.... Link to post Share on other sites
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Star, I really wish you the best. I've been reading your threads. I truly admire how much you put into your relationships. I do feel that some try to put salt into your wounds, but there are people here that care about you. Even strangers. I hope that you feel better, hun. I know how something like this feels. It's so miserable and heartwrenching, but I got through it so I know you can, too. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Oh SG...can't tell you how many of your thoughts about the BF are the same as mine about Dan. In fact I got what could be answers out of your thread...because Dan is also currently unemployed..."feeling sh**y about himself". I ask myself all the same questions your asking. I don't blame you for being nervous about the new guy. But at least he seems nice and sincere so far. You can take it as slow as you want, you know, and yes he could still turn out to be just like Ex...but that's the risk we take over and over in life. Kind of like we risk wrecking everytime we drive a car. Before we start driving, there's no way of knowing that we'll turn on the wrong road and crash. But still, we have to get places somehow so we gotta drive anyway. As for me well I'm stuck at a stoplight, cuz I rarely meet new men and I'll probably be stuck at the intersection of Dan and LL for god knows how long until someone new finally gives me the green light! I understand your questioning about the point of a "friendship", because most people with friends 550 miles away might visit each other once a year at most. It all goes back to his ego thing I guess, like he doesn't sincerely care about "friendship" it's his ego he cares about...subconsiously, perhaps. Ex and Dan are also alike in the sense that right when things are connecting intensely, the only way to go from there was down. Maybe the friendship he claims to want is also out of guilt because he feels or knows he isn't capable of giving you the ultimate....but might think he could if only his life was more in order. Doubt anything I say is really "help" in any way, and even though I'd like to advise you keep getting to know the new guy better, I guess maybe you shouldn't if it makes you too uncomfortable. That's where our sitch's differ, because if I met a new guy Dan would probably be outta my mind fast. I wouldn't feel scared by the chance of the next guy being like him...which might be bad thing...but maybe it's at least good that I'm not afraid to move on if the opportunity presents itself. I think it's true the only healer is time...your relationship with Ex was more committed than mine (as you stated in my thread) so only a few days later I'm already thinking about Dan less. With you it might just take a little longer for that to kick in, but it will eventually. Other obligations in life is basically what helps me, with them I don't have a choice but to forget about guys for hours/days at a time. Even if you don't feel you have the strength, it might be best if you try and fake it (like I'm trying to do! ha)..and decline further friendship with Ex. If no desire to focus on the new guy, hopefully you can find enthusiasm for something else weather it's just you or basket-weaving... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Wow. That was ugly. I agree, it's like saying "Told ya so!"...SG is here for support not to be reminded of something she learned the hard way...by believing in it. Mistakes are supposed to be made because that's what humans do...then we pay for them...so to say "told ya so!" is no help at all what so ever. Besides, I prefer to call mistakes "experiences"...because without them there's nothing to build the future on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 Ex and Dan are also alike in the sense that right when things are connecting intensely, the only way to go from there was down. Maybe the friendship he claims to want is also out of guilt because he feels or knows he isn't capable of giving you the ultimate....but might think he could if only his life was more in order. I think one of the hardest parts for me is going about my life without him in it. [Damnit. Just as I started typing that I welled up. (STOP IT!!!!) Okay. Deep breath....] See, EX and I spent SO much time together that once he left, a piece of me felt like it was missing. I had too much time on my hands, I didn't know what to do with myself. Going to sleep without him was the hardest part. Even after he was gone, we were still very much connected via several meaningful phone calls a day. I got used to a new pattern with him, but he was still very much "in my life." For the first few days after the breakup, we only spoke once a day. So, that too was an adjustment. Now somehow we're back to talking 2-4 times a day. WTF? I don't understand. He keeps pulling away, in grander and grander ways, only to come back in stronger and stronger ways. Does that make sense? It was once 1 step back, 1 step forward, and now we're like 5 steps back, 5 steps forward...but always winding up back in the same place, it seems. I think he's keeping me on the hook, but I don't think he really realizes he's doing it. If I walked away from him, sadly, I don't know that he'd bother fighting for me. But for now, he's willing to put in just enough effort to keep me around. I think he does want to give me "the ultimate" but knows he can't until his life is more in order. Slowly but surely he's seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... and he wants me to be at the end of it. But will I be? Who knows. I HOPE I find someone else, I HOPE I find the strength somehow, someway to move on. But honestly right now I can't see that happening. Wow. That was ugly. Yes, it was. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Yea, you dont' see it happening because you don't want it to happen...you expressed allowing this friendship to occur out of fear that you'll never speak with him again. 1 step forward and back..to 5 steps forward and back...are you sure that your Ex isn't named Dan? he he. Wow I can honestly say I know EXACTLY how this feels. I also don't know if Dan will bother fighting for me...only time will tell and it's the test I'm giving right now that I'm sure he'll fail. Your Ex is a lot more likely to pass, I think. Please no one criticize me for giving her false hope! I sometimes wonder if Dan was employed and had HIS life in order, if he would still pursue me as much as he did for a while there. Sadly I think not. But ask yourself that question about Ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 I'm glad you understand my feelings, LL. I know how you feel too, and I know it's so hard to let go. I still haven't. I wish I could, but I haven't yet. Yea, you dont' see it happening because you don't want it to happen...you expressed allowing this friendship to occur out of fear that you'll never speak with him again. This is very, very true. In the weeks leading up to him leaving, as I'd drive away from his place each morning I would literally panic about never seeing him again, only to be SO relieved when he'd call that afternoon to invite me to dinner or whatever. One more contact, one more time together... like a drug. Your Ex is a lot more likely to pass, I think. Please no one criticize me for giving her false hope! I sometimes wonder if Dan was employed and had HIS life in order, if he would still pursue me as much as he did for a while there. Sadly I think not. But ask yourself that question about Ex. When Ex WAS employed and had his life in order (when he was still here, making good money, happy, confident, self-assured), he DID fight for me. He was absolutely wonderful to me. As things slowly went downhill for him personally, our relationship went downhill as well. He's now treading water in his personal life, and is also treading water with us. I've thrown him the life preserver, and he's using it, but he's unwilling to get out of the f'ing water and sail away on my yacht. What I don't understand is WHY. If I were in his shoes, I'd be CLINGING to him. When things aren't going well for me, I seek out stable, happy people who WANT me around...I don't push them away. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Why didn't I know we were so much alike? I panic like that about Dan...which he noticed and acknowledged to me once like a year ago. And like you I felt relief everytime he called to prove that I had no reason to panic. But now I guess he's just fed up with it? Don't know. He also like a darn drug. And I can't honestly say if he'd forget me with his life in order, because he also has a past of being quite attentive to me while he works and has money. And as many men naturally are, I dont' think Dan even wants the life preserver, like he'd rather drown...or fake his death per say! Apparently your guy has had more swimming lessons or something....I wonder if it's the "panic" issue that eventually can drive people away? I mean, if Dan sensed it then maybe Ex did, too. Don't know if that's related to what he's thinking now, though. No, I think it's all about him like your therapist said. I'm sure that you and I could both sit here and admit to some things we'd like to do differently with these guys...but I want us both to stay away from blaming ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Why didn't I know we were so much alike? I've known. That's why I get mad at you for tolerating his BS. It's ALWAYS easier to give advice from the outside. Apparently your guy has had more swimming lessons or something.... I think Ex is simply terrified of ending up alone, to be honest. I wonder if it's the "panic" issue that eventually can drive people away? I mean, if Dan sensed it then maybe Ex did, too. Don't know if that's related to what he's thinking now, though. No, I think it's all about him like your therapist said. I'm sure that you and I could both sit here and admit to some things we'd like to do differently with these guys...but I want us both to stay away from blaming ourselves. Oh, Ex sensed it. I showed him all the glory of my panic. He'd withdraw when I did that, and when I came to my senses, he'd inch back to me. He's thinking, "Jeeezus, I have nothing more to offer this girl, and she needs more and more and more to remain calm and confident with what we have, I'll never make her happy - either I'm not enough, or she's crazy." Honestly, we're both at fault. Him more so than me though, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Oh, Ex sensed it. I showed him all the glory of my panic. He'd withdraw when I did that, and when I came to my senses, he'd inch back to me. He's thinking, "Jeeezus, I have nothing more to offer this girl, and she needs more and more and more to remain calm and confident with what we have, I'll never make her happy - either I'm not enough, or she's crazy." I don't know if that hits the nail on the head any better, this describes me perfectly. Please don't be mad at me ;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 He just initiated a text conversation, prompting me to call him. Jeez, he's a grouch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Oh, Ex sensed it. I showed him all the glory of my panic. He'd withdraw when I did that, and when I came to my senses, he'd inch back to me. He's thinking, "Jeeezus, I have nothing more to offer this girl, and she needs more and more and more to remain calm and confident with what we have, I'll never make her happy - either I'm not enough, or she's crazy." I don't know if that hits the nail on the head any better, this describes me perfectly. Please don't be mad at me ;) I'm never mad at you, LL. It fits me to a T too. He's not enough, and I AM crazy... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 He just initiated a text conversation, prompting me to call him. Jeez, he's a grouch. ...good luck...waters still pretty quiet here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 ...good luck...waters still pretty quiet here! Blech, I didn't bother giving him even 2 minutes. Yay for me! An improvement! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 What'd you do tell him your busy? What's the secret... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 What'd you do tell him your busy? What's the secret... I said, "You're being grouchy, I'm gonna go get my nails done." Ha! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 nice I"m gonna have to use that..cept I dont' have text messaging anyway.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I have a feeling that if you ignore him for a few days he will panic come running! I dont think this is over - Just a feeling! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I dont think this is over - Just a feeling! Lishy.. of course it is over.. it is now a LDR and he broke up with her.. what is he gonna do ?.. Move back and profess his love for her.. It isn't over in the fact that he is keeping her intertwined into his drama she doesn't seem to want to do NC.. SG.. I understand you are hurt.. but this guy is just pulling on your heartstrings.. he is keeping you on the back burner because he is in a new place.. as soon as he gets his bearings and starts to date other women then he is going to start to ignore you.. then you will feel heartbroken all over again.. Please stop texting this guy.. please just let it go NC for a couple of weeks... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Please stop texting this guy.. please just let it go NC for a couple of weeks... He needs to miss you. He needs to see what his life is like without you in it and that includes emails, calls, text messages, IM's. Please don't allow your heart to make you think that right now he has changed his mind...The bottomline is what he told you about not being able to fight off temptation. AC is right, so as much as it may hurt you now, atleast YOU are the one calling the shots, in control. If you stay intouch with him, changes are he will pick the time to say goodbye all over again and you won't see it coming... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I have a feeling that if you ignore him for a few days he will panic come running! I dont think this is over - Just a feeling! I don't think so either...because they are both contributing to keeping it as an ongoing thing, for their own reasons. Maybe they are not really the right reasons...but she won't stay NC as long as he keeps making her think there's a chance...and there could be a chance...but if she chooses to take that risk, well she knows it's a risk...I know exactly what I'm risking everytime I let Dan get to me...I think if HE really wanted it to be over that he wouldn't keep calling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 SG.. I understand you are hurt.. but this guy is just pulling on your heartstrings.. he is keeping you on the back burner because he is in a new place.. as soon as he gets his bearings and starts to date other women then he is going to start to ignore you.. then you will feel heartbroken all over again.. Please stop texting this guy.. please just let it go NC for a couple of weeks... I'm responding to him, but not initiating contact. Also, he already has his bearings. He moved "home," and trust me, he's being quite the social butterfly back there... as am I. Link to post Share on other sites
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