HELP!!! Girlfriend/Wife Cheated ... HELP!!!

[Ruzmurf]

I am going away for the weekend starting later today with my ex-wife. Ok... yes I said ex-wife and we are now dating again. I do not know what to do... I care/love for her. However, I have totally fallen out of love with this woman. We parted ways and started to date others and found ourselves re-united. Now we are at it again. However, I feel this time "WE" are open and honest about our future and it feels different from the other times. I am wondering since we plan to go away if I should open my heart and try to find love again with my ex/dating. The reason I am asking is because I found out she cheated. Once before the marriage, and have no clue how many after the marriage ended. However, we have always been close. In addition, several weeks ago, she went on a vacation and slept with someone else... she did not tell me but I found through snooping because I wanted to find out just how authentic are those feelings toward me and what did she really do on vacation. The most devastating issue is I found out she slept with someone else before we were married while engaged. She kept this as a lie for several years... and I just found out. I found out other information as well but the most part is still how much she cares and that she slept with other people. Why would she have kept this a secrete for more than four years? I always knew something was up after she came back but could not figure it out and now that I have. I am trying to figure out what I should do. We have children together, retain a great relationship when we are not fighting, and cannot let go. She actually said she wanted to work things out after going away for a week. In addition I have not been Mr. Perfect because I also cheated on her before we were married and after because our marriage was not going good. So here you have it, we had a TIT-for-TAT relationship. I do love this woman and would like to fall back in love with her. However, I cannot trust her. She also feels she cannot trust me. We are trying – to build trust! However... the fear of finding out she cheated again would be too much. We both still have a back door open... I would like something solid. Is this possible given... because I also like another woman I care for that I wanted to date and she would like to see what could come of us. What should I do… fix my old marriage, or Invest into a new relationship? Should I not go on this vacation? We have never been very honest about those of whom we have slept with... I would like to give her names and information to add a brick to a firm foundation in trust... Would this help if we traded in truth or would this hurt the fixing of a relationship? Someone needs to take a step - - should that person be me....the guy'. Thanks, the guy' in need of much help....

[Tony T]

I don't think your ex wife is capable of being faithful...and you yourself, when there are problems, you can't pull it off either. There's no way of telling if this can work out. I think given her history of cheating, the only time it will stop is when she's no longer attractive to others.

 

You've got a real screwed up situation here. You cheat, she cheats, the whole ball of wax.

 

I guess you have to keep a sense of humor about all this. Have some talks with her a see if she's capable of making a firm committment....you'll have to trust her word if you can. And you'll have to trust yourself to keep it in your pants during the down times.

 

Give it a whirl and see where it goes. If you are able to fall back in love with her and the two of you can be reasonably faithful, maybe in your case that's the best you can ask for.

 

P.S. The next time you have marriage problems, don't go out and screw other women. Heal your marriage or get a divorce before you do that.

[Just A Girl2]

People usually divorce for good reason. Why try to turn the clock back?

 

She's cheated, you've cheated. You both admit to not trusting each other. You've recently found out new info about her past cheating....which I'm sure is a shock.

 

You cheated in your marriage to her "because the marriage wasn't good" which is a crummy thing to do and not the smart way to react to a bad marriage. If the marriage isn't good, boinking someone else is obviously not the answer. It would appear that you both have major problems with fidelity, honesty, dealing with problems together, openness, etc.

 

You say you have feelings for someone else right now. Well if that's the case, why go on a vacation with your ex wife? Why lead her on if you're so torn? I'm assuming she has no idea that you like this other woman and are unsure of which direction to go.

 

You have children together, too. I think it would be really lousy to your children for the 2 of you to date if you're not both 100% certain that you want to see if this will work......because if it doesn't, your poor kids have to go through all the sh*t again, of Mommy and Daddy not being together again. Your children should always weigh into this decision...how your decision will directly and indirectly impact them. Most kids desperately want their divorced parents to get back together......and it can open up a lot of old wounds if the parents try to get back again, but it doesn't work out.

 

Doesn't sound like you're at all ready to be making a decision either way.

[km82794]

Just my opinion, but I think trying to fix your relationship with the ex is absolutely pointless. I would not take the trip or continue dating her.

 

If you don't have trust in a relationship, you have nothing. You have both ruined your trust in the other and to me, that's just not something you can regain. I believe there will always be doubts, "is she lying", "is she cheating again", and visa/versa.

 

Sorry to say but it's obvious that neither of you loved each other enough or were ever truly committed to the relationship the first time around, so why repeat the same mistakes and put your poor children through that AGAIN?

 

If it was me, I would move on and find the person that you will have trust in, someone you can be faithful to.

 

Let Mommy and Daddy just be friends!!!