blah- what to do?

[belle]

Ok..

I can't believe I'm resorting to this internet message board for advice but here goes.

 

I've been dating this guy now for a year and a month. He's an amazing guy, we never fight, get along great, have alot of the same interests (hiking/camping/hanging with friends/church, etc) and love eachother. However, we had a talk about a month ago because I was feelign he was being a bit distant lately. And these distant spells come every once in a while, and I know what it means.. that he's not 100% sure I'm the one for him. His insecurities in the relationship affect how I feel towards him, and I start doubting us too. You know the "Well if he's not sure I'm for him, then I want to find someone who IS sure!" Well... we're confused whether or not we're really NOT for eachother, or wether we have unrealistic expectations of what LOVE and a relationship should be like. I think he's a commitment-phobe and he knows that he is. But, I don't want a commitment like marriage right now! What I do what, is knowing we're working towards something. He also mentioend that he wants someone that will WOW him..someone he's head over heels for, and I think the spark faded between us. It was definately there in the beginning, but now...not so sure... I guess we're just scared that we're going to make a mistake if we break up because we know we could have an awesome life together, and we decided we need to spend more alone time together to see how we really feel. We decided this a month ago and that's all fine and dandy, however nothing has changed..we're always hanging out with our friends, constantly filling up space with activity, and we rarely just "talk" with eachother like we used to...it feels as if we're just content with having fun right now, but I feel as if this could go on forever and then it'll be too late to break up (Don't want to go out for like 3 years and break up, it'll be too hard).

anyways.. this is really playing on my heart lately, and I just want to know if anyone else has had similar situations. Eagerly awaiting your advice tony! And anyone else for that matter. Thanks.

[Ruzmurf]

I understand exactly where you are at... staying or go.

 

My opinion is his interest in you has dropped. If his interest in retaining a relationship with you were high, you would not be posting to this message board. Allow him to have space... the more you pursue the more he will pull away in your case. Take a step back and look at the relationship. Now is the time to do it before he is no longer interested. Now do not take the last statement as to go all out and over do it... but look at his actions. Actions say a lot!!! When you love someone, love does not disappear. It grows or fades in stages. Maybe he is just going though a peak in his life... or maybe he needs time to see the best and why he cares so much about you. In addition, why worry if you are not looking for a relationship - trade lightly. It sounds as if you want a life long partner without the security in marriage. Life is too short, there may be someone better waiting on you. Maybe you should no longer wait but separate yourself. If you like, you try not to date or see anyone else and see if his interest goes up. However, given your statement... it may be a long shoot. There are great people out there why waste time. Take time to work, take a vacation, or pursue some other interest/hobby (not him). Also, put your “Trust in Love”! …Not in human words but the actions of love. I wish you the very best!!! Read his action… in there lays the answer to all your questions.

 

The same also goes for guys… “ACTIONS SAY A LOT”

[Tony T]

I'd give him a bit more time to be sure. Some people take several years. There are even people who date five years, get married and then get divorced after a year. People do not dictate the timing, fate does. I think six more months would be reasonable...but don't tell him what you're doing. At the end of that time, simply tell him you must know what direction the relationship is going or you must move on. That's all. But you have to decide for yourself how much more time you're willing to spend.

 

If he hasn't decided he is ready to tie the knot when you feel the time has come, move on...plain and simple. That's just basic common sense.

 

You can't hang around forever. If he's got some sort of phobia about marriage, then you need to know that. But I think it's a bit too soon to know that now for sure.

[belle]

But what kind of actions should I look for?

[clia]

Oooh....I've dated this guy!

 

I think he's a commitment-phobe and he knows that he is.

 

Please, please listen to him when he says this. He means every word of it when he says he's afraid of commitment. Read He's Scared, She's Scared and Men Who Can't Love to get some insight into this phenomenon. (Very interesting reading, and you will see a lot of his characteristics in those two books, I guarantee it.) This type of person is nearly impossible to change unless they want to change. It has nothing to do with you. You could be the best girlfriend in the world and he may still not be able to commit.

 

What I do what, is knowing we're working towards something.

 

I could never get this answer out of my ex. He told me I was great, he cared about me, loved spending time with me, introduced me to co-workers, friends, family. But ultimately he could not even say if we were working toward anything. I now think this is a huge flag! (Obviously.) I mean, you have been with this guy for over a year. He should at least be able to say to you whether or not he thinks there is the possibility for the long haul or not. (And frankly, I think you know this after spending 12 months with someone. You may not know whether or not this is definitely "the one" but you know if the possibility is there.)

 

I guess we're just scared that we're going to make a mistake if we break up because we know we could have an awesome life together, and we decided we need to spend more alone time together to see how we really feel.

 

Hmm...sounds to me that he decided to get some more alone time to decide how he feels about you. (Did you really help make this decision?) Now, you know the two of you could have an awesome life together. But you are forgetting one big thing--he has commitment problems. Like I said above, you cannot change this about him. Nothing on this Earth that you do or say is going to make him want to commit overnight unless he is willing to face his fears head on. I'm a big proponent of giving people space when they ask for it, not just carrying on business as usual. I think if he needs the alone time, you should cut off contact with him for a couple of weeks. Let him think it over. At the same time, you think it over and decide whether this is what you want or not.

 

I think what to do next depends on how old you are and how much time you are willing to possibly waste. If you are having fun with him, then by all means keep dating him, but you might consider making your relationship with him more casual so you can date other guys as well. (If you do this, you at least aren't wasting time, and you aren't stressing about him so much because you have other guys to focus on.) Heck, doing this might even make him shift into high gear at the fear of losing you. Like Tony said, pick your timeframe, and at that point, initiate a talk, and if he cannot deliver, then you leave the relationship.

 

As far as what actions to look for, I think a lot of the traditional good relationship actions are moot with commitmentphobes. They will often bring you into their life, wine and dine you, and treat you like a queen. But that does not mean they will ever commit.