Wedding jitters & old flames - help?

[jitters]

I hope someone can give me advice on this as I can't talk to anyone I know in RL about it. Here's the story:

 

7 years ago I had just broken up a 3 year relationship. A new guy (call him G.) came along pretty quickly and was to my surprise very infatuated with me. He and I got together and had a lot of fun over about 4 months or so. He wrote me romantic letters and was always doing little things for me. I should also mention as it's on my mind, that the sex was amazing. Really good. Anyway I kind of felt at the time that it was a rebound summer romance for me and didn't take it too seriously.

 

At about 4 months of that, I met a new guy (call him D.) and started dating him. I broke things off with G. and despite his frequent attempts to contact me I basically ignored him, which I've felt guilty about ever since... D. and I continued to date and are now engaged after about 6.5 years of relationship, 5 years of cohabitation. We've just bought and moved into a house together and the wedding is set for the fall.

 

Recently I got the urge to look up G. and found his email address. After about a month thinking about that, I finally emailed him just to say hi and to apologize for my long-ago bad behaviour. he's responded with a short email agreeing we had fond memories and would always remember me for "relieving him of something". I didn't know what he meant, asked, and he has indicated that when we met he was a virgin - to my utter astonishment as at the time I thought he must have been fairly experienced from talking about it with him and from his <ahem> skills. His replies to my emails seem cautiously friendly and a little intimate. I have said I'd like to keep in touch with him and he is agreeable.

 

To come down to it, I can't stop thinking about G. and am checking my emails for messages from him pretty much daily even though he doesn't write that often. I am happy in my relationship with D. and committed to a life with him, but I find myself longing for the romance and the great sex that went with G. I'm having thoughts of an affair - a little premature as I'm not sure if G. would even be interested in it. It doesn't help that the sex with D. while it is okay, I don't have the same physical "fit" (for lack of a better term) with him.

 

I haven't told D. about emailing G. and I think he would be upset if he knew. I would probably be upset if I found out he were emailing one of his exes. So I'm having some guilt issues as well.

 

Is this just wedding jitters? I feel completely calm when I think of being a lifetime partner with D. and he is smart, kind, attractive and steady. I want to be his wife. But on the other hand the imagined prospect of hooking up with G. has me completely excited. He doesn't live in the same city but is definitely within travelling distance.

 

I'm nearing my 30's now and would definitely like to "settle" and even start a family in the next few years. So it doesn't seem like a schoolgirl crush or anything. But the stakes are high...

 

Any advice or thoughts would be helpful. Thanks.

[maskee28]

Well, I guess it's possible that these feelings could be jitters - but it's kind of scary that you're getting them now... I mean, you've been dating D for 6.5 years - if you're not secure and comfortable in your relationship with him now, will you ever be?

 

Then again maybe the reason you're experiencing these feelings is that it's just now sinking in that you are committing to be with one man for the rest of your life, and won't ever experience the exciting "newness" when you first start dating someone.

 

I think it was bad judgment to have contacted G in the first place...and the fact that you mentioned thinking about an affair with him is a little unsettling too, since you're not even married yet. You need to end all contact with G. If you want to marry D, you can't carry on emailing your ex. It's really not fair to your fiance.

[BillG]

Jitters, you had better get this settled before getting married. You are working in a fantasy of what it was like with G. Time changes people, situations change, emotions change. You may be working yourself up to a big disappointment with G.

 

If you can see yourself with D for the rest of your life, then turn your energy toward him, not G. If you are not completely satisfied with your sexual experience with D, they try and find out why that is. I would like to think that sex is not everything, but it's a big part of the beginnings of a relationship and had to be addressed or you will be a candidate for infidelity.

 

Talk to D and find out how he feels with your sexuality and work on that. If you feel you can't talk to him about that, then don't enter into a marriage. You have to be able to communicate to your partner in honesty on how you feel. It works the other way as well, your partner has to feel comfortable speaking honestly to you as well.

 

Dump G and work on your relationship with D. Don't think marriage will change anything, it doesn't. It adds an additional level of complication that two people will build together and build a true love for one another.

 

Be happy, but also be honest 'cause that's where happiness begins.

[jitters]

Well... I suppose there's no harm in fantasy. Contacting G might be taking it a little too close to reality....

 

I am very secure and comfortable with D., I think that it is like maskee28 was saying, just missing that newness and the accompanying exhilaration.

 

D. and I are not having any problems sexually, that's not really the issue - I think it would be strange if someone were to (honestly) say that they never have a desire or curiosity about sex outside the marriage. That's not to say that everyone wants or should have affairs, just that there is room for fantasy. Whether fantasy becomes reality is a whole other issue... I seriously doubt that in my case it will... On the other hand to be honest if the opportunity presented itself I would think hard and seriously about taking it.

 

Isn't the wish to have "one last fling" a common one? It has a high risk which must be part of the appeal.

 

I would be curious to hear from anyone who has been in this situation and what became of it.

[Just A Girl2]

I think it would be strange if someone were to (honestly) say that they never have a desire or curiosity about sex outside the marriage.

 

Lady, you're not even MARRIED yet and already you're entertaining fantasies, and it sounds to me like this fantasy could very easily become a reality:

 

But on the other hand the imagined prospect of hooking up with G. has me completely excited. He doesn't live in the same city but is definitely within travelling distance.

 

Definitely within travelling distance? See, that to me sounds like your wheels have been doing a helluva lot of turning, out of the realm of fantasy.

 

I haven't told D. about emailing G. and I think he would be upset if he knew. I would probably be upset if I found out he were emailing one of his exes.

 

You're in no way ready to even consider marrying right now. You are putting your needs way before your fiances and you're doing things behind his back that you know darn well would hurt and upset him. This is not the way the period before starting a life together should be.

 

Sounds to me like your crush is nothing more than sexual, lust.

 

I think your fiance deserves to know what's going on in your head,heart and emails.......cuz I'm sure he's likely thinking you're a very honest, loyal woman......and obviously at this time, you're not. And no, this doesn't sound like pre-wedding jitters at all. This sounds like a case of someone with fidelity issues.

[Tony T]

JAG2's absolutely right. I don't think you need to be getting married, gal!!! You ain't anywhere near being ready.

 

Cancel the wedding and sew your wild oats somemore...or just don't bother getting married. There's no law that says you have to. You have no idea of the pain of divorce. It's a hell you want to avoid at all costs.

[jitters]

I still think it's natural for people to fantasize about others outside their relationships. I wouldn't believe anyone who said that they don't! That's human nature.

 

Anyway, yes, I have been thinking on it quite a bit lately.. But it's so unlikely to actually happen, whether or not I would when it came right down to it, IF there were the opportunity, IF G were interested - knowing that I am already committed, IF I felt prepared to risk throwing my current relationship with D down the tubes... that's a lot of if's to consider... I'm not saying I "am going to", just saying I'm entertaining the *fantasy*. Keep in mind, though I have been corresponding with G., it has only been catching up emails, an apology on my part for my mistreatment of him at the time, and a little reminiscing about a past relationship. Nothing sexual (other than the surprise that he was a virgin) - nothing suggestive.

 

My relationship with D. is getting stronger all the time, I am committed to him and do want to marry him - not for the idea of being a wife to someone, or because I think that this is a natural consequence of dating someone for so long, but because I love him and want to spend my life with him.

 

Yes, sure it's lust. That's what fantasies are about, right?

[Just A Girl2]

I still think it's natural for people to fantasize about others outside their relationships. I wouldn't believe anyone who said that they don't! That's human nature.

 

Well, subscribing to this belief is a handy way of justifying your lust for your ex, but that doesn't at all make it so. This topic (fantasizing about someone outside of relationships) comes up a lot on relationship-type discussion forums, and in real life (amongst good friends, etc).....and I think you'd be shocked to find that not everyone does this. A lot don't.

 

I personally think that people fantasize about someone else/being in a different situation, because they're simply not happy in their current situation.....or something is missing...and instead of taking steps to get at the root of what's missing, they toodle off into some fantasy world, dreaming up "things" with others..as a way of escaping REALITY.

 

I've been in several long term relationships, including one marriage and an engagement, and I can tell with you all honesty, that a) I'm not a prude..and b) I never found myself fantasizing about anyone else, period. Ever. Why would I be in a relationship with someone if I find my mind and thoughts wandering to someone else? That's simply stupid and a red flag that something essential is missing.

 

You claim to be so committed to your fiance...but IMO, commitment encompasses emotional commitment, too......and you're not being emotionally faithful to your fiance if you're thinking about your ex the way you are.......even going so far as to writing about it here.

 

When you've really committed yourself to someone, the past is the past and you don't go back there. Nor do you sneak around having email contact with an ex, however harmless you might think it is.......because you know darn well that if your fiance (partner) knew about it, they'd be hurt......so to do something behind your partner's back you know would hurt them if they knew, that's dishonest......and not at all a part of what true commitment is.

 

But hey, like they say....denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

[jitters]

lol okay I know there's a bit of justification there.

 

SO if it's not right to think about someone else... how does one stop? If focussing my energies on my current relationship is the way to go, how the heck do I keep my mind off of G...

 

Please don't suggest the rubber-band-on-the-wrist technique

 

I do have a friend who also thinks that just thinking about anyone else is "cheating" as you seem to think with the "emotionally faithful" bit. I never understood that with her - even before I found myself in this situation. I don't believe you can control your mind's wandering to the extent of blocking all imaginings of what it would be like with someone else. That's why there is such a big market for porn - even among faithful, committed couples - and why movie & pop stars have so much success based on sexuality. Every time some wife thinks "Brad Pitt is so hot" is she then cheating? Does the inaccessability of the stars really make it any different?

 

Believe it or not I am truly committed to D. But I don't think you can erase the past - or ignore it - if things were left unresolved there.

[HokeyReligions]

Jitters wrote:

Anyway I kind of felt at the time that it was a rebound summer romance for me and didn't take it too seriously.

 

At about 4 months of that, I met a new guy (call him D.) and started dating him. I broke things off with G. and despite his frequent attempts to contact me I basically ignored him, which I've felt guilty about ever since... D.

 

I agree with JAG2.

 

You keep bouncing around in your story trying to justify everything. You said you didn't take the fling w/ G seriously and treated it like a summer romance. You said you broke it off with him and then ignored him when he tried to make contact.

 

You stayed out of his life for 6.5 years. If you have been guilt-ridden about the breakup, why wait until now to contact him? Are you looking for him to fill in for something that is lacking with your finace?

 

But I don't think you can erase the past - or ignore it - if things were left unresolved there.

No, no one can earase the past - but after 6.5 years there isn't anything to "resolve" and that sounds like a cheap excust to justify cheating.

 

If it weren't cheating - you would have told your finace about it and asked for his help and support. You would talk to him about what your relationship is lacking. How about he contact his old girlfriends and make sure that those relationships were resolved properly - who knows, he may be tempted by one of them. How would that make you feel?

 

I don't think you are ready to make a commitment to this man until you resolve YOUR feelings for the first guy. It's not fair to your fiance, "G" or to you.

 

Fantasy is one thing, but you've thought this through too much and in some of your posts you make it sound like you wouldn't be able to control yourself "IF" things line up a certain way. You talk about too may "If's" but every "If" comes with a choice.

[RogueK]

I can't help but think to myself that if i'm getting ready to commit my love and life to a woman by being married i'm fully confident that she is also feeling the same for me inside and out, and the unbelieveable hurt that they could cause me by lying and decieving me without ever letting me know that a problem existed.

 

This instance scares me though. And from all of the broken hearts and divorces that i'm reading about in this forum i can't help but think of ALL of the decisions and choices that people made to cheat or brake it off could have been EASILY resolved by honestly talking to their partners about what is really bothering them. The difference being that those people never really wanted things to get better and decided to hurt that other person rather than be honest with their thoughts and feelings to end it the right way.

 

I take this as you making every excuse in the book to cheat and to help yourself by justifying doing it. I don't think you could possibly imagine the pain you would cause your man by doing so if you think it is "natural" or not.

 

What I think you need to do is that you either end it so you can have senseless sex with a person you knew YEARS ago (that didn't matter to you too much then anyway) or talk to your future about it so these thoughts and feelings don't surface anymore due to the fact that you are supposed to LOVE the person you are willing to marry.

 

If you truly love this man you will tell him your thoughts and feelings JUST as you have in this forum, but do it in a way that you HONESTLY want to get over these feelings so that there will be NO problems the rest of your life in this relationship. Otherwise if spending your life with someone is something you cannot do right now then AGAIN BE HONEST with him and break it off.

I much rather have someone end it with me then have to come and find that they spent the night in someone else's bed because of some damn urge that they wouldn't share with me so i could make things better. Thats when people come to find out that, that person never truly loved them.

 

I'll also say this much. Say everything goes to play and you end up sleeping with this man, there is a good chance it will not fullfill you in the way you thought and your regret for losing the man you were going to marry will be unbearable.

[Bryanp]

You are planning on getting married so don't you think you should be honest and tell the man you are planning to marry your feelings and thoughts? How would you feel if your husband to be was thinking the same thoughts as you? I guess if the opportunity presented itself he should screw some other woman for a last fling? If you cannot be honest now then you will never be honest in your marriage in the future.

[jitters]

I am absolutely NOT going to talk to D. about this... there is no way. I don't want to hurt him.

 

<sigh> Yes, I recognize that having a "last fling" would hurt him. And I never said I would (hell, who knows if G is even into it, as I said we have not discussed it) - just that it was on my mind. Yes, I've thought about it enough to realize that it might be possible. Just as imagining that there is the opportunity to go bungee jumping or cliff diving, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm going out to do it.

 

I'm again, not having second thoughts about the marriage, I do love D. and am prepared to commit my life to him.

 

But I still believe that people fantasize about other people outside their relationship. Maybe there is the occasional perfect (or unimaginative?) person who doesn't. But it's not me. And I wouldn't be surprised if D. also thought of others on occasion. I truly think it's human nature. Yes I would be hurt if D. decided to have a last fling himself. But I would understand it - how could I not?

 

Anyway I have said, if anyone has any thoughts on how to keep G. off my mind and focus on D. I am wanting advice on this.

[RogueK]

You need time to your own thoughts with this. I don't think there is some simple "exercise" for you to get your mind off of things.

 

Maybe it is a good idea to postpone everything and think about it all. There is a reason i believe outside of a "quick fling" that you are having these thoughts.

 

Too bad your future hubby is going to be married to everything that is you except your thoughts, mind and possibly your body. If you were ready to say your vows to him you wouldn't be having these thoughts.

 

PLEASE DO NOT MARRY HIM THEN CHEAT!

 

I wonder how you would feel if you found out that he's been looking into having sex with another woman. I believe you would be devestated.

 

The one thing i will stand by 100% is if it is truly love you feel for this guy then ANY SORT of contact that a normal wife wouldn't have with another man is going to haunt you for the rest of your life. IF your man finds out and leaves you the regret for losing him and hurting him in that way will FAR out weigh your little thoughts about a romp in the sack with G.

 

Keep that in your mind. You need to focus on what D. truly means to you. If you do it or not the basic question you need to ask yourself is if a night with G. is worth losing D.

 

If it isn't then you have your answer and enjoy your life.

 

Please though..STAY HONEST to the man you love.

[Just A Girl2]

But I still believe that people fantasize about other people outside their relationship. Maybe there is the occasional perfect (or unimaginative?) person who doesn't.

 

This is at least the second time now, you've made a cutting remarks toward those who actually don't fantasize about others while in a relationship. Kind of hilarious, if you ask me. Just because *YOU* are clearly obsessed with this ex you briefly dated (on the rebound) many years ago, while being engaged to your fiance (may God help him), that surely doesn't mean everyone or even MOST people do this. Seems you're simply making stupid generalizations and assumptions simply to support your position. What a hoot.

 

You keep saying that you're ready to commit to your fiance and how much you love him, but get real lady......true love isn't anything about sneaking around behind your fiance's back, online, going on and on about how you fantasize about hooking up with some old flame. Get a grip.

[RogueK]

Jag2 is right. True love does NOT involve the pharse "it's natural to want to have sex with someone else".

 

 

Either end it so you can spread your legs the way you want or get married so you can screw his life and world up. Either way all i get from this is that you are NOT ready to make the commitment.