To FWB or Not ?

[confused_one]

I've read through a lot of the posts in this forum, trying to get a feeling for how FWB relationships tend to turn out, but decided to throw out a post and see what people thought of my specific situation. So, here goes:

 

I am very interested in having a physical relationship with a very close friend of mine, and she has said she is also interested. We've discussed it several times, and both agree that we don't want an emotionally involved relationship with each other. So, on the surface, it all seems great, but I am still worried - this woman is a wonderful friend, and I value her friendship incredibly. On one hand, I feel that if we could fulfill each other physically as much as we do intellectually as friends, it would be amazing - on the other hand, I am worried that if we get involved physically, our friendship could come to an end, and I don't want to risk that.

 

To complicate things, the other night we had dinner, and ended up spending a very passionate evening together - we spent a good portion of the evening kissing, and slow dancing to romantic music. Afterwards, we talked for a long time, and agreed that we both enjoyed the evening very much, and that we were both interested in pursuing a physical relationship. We've talked about it again since then, and are both still interested, but both of us are very concerned about keeping our friendship, and we have decided to take things slowly, with an agreement that either one of us can put the brakes on at any time.

 

My question is - With both of us being cautious, and agreeing to put our friendship above any sexual relationship, is there a chance that a FWB relationship can work, or are we deluding ourselves ? If we both are thinking the same way about the relationship, even if it doesn't work out, can we recover and remain friends ?

 

 

Thanks for any and all advice,

Confused

[Tony T]

If the two of you remain clear on what's going on and are mature enough to handle it, all will be well. If both of you are lying to yourselves and you would really like more out of the friendship, it could also work out very well. If one of you is lying to yourself and the other just wants to keep emotion out of this, it could be a nightmare for the one wanting more.

 

Also, when sex enters the picture, feelings can change pretty quick. If they change in unison, great. If they don't, the two of you will just have to talk it out.

 

I think if both of you shoot straight with each other, there should be no problems. However, one of you eventually will want to seek romance elsewhere and the FWB will be over. Keep that in mind.

[confused_one]

Thanks for the advice, Tony. I think she and I are on the same page, at least for now, and that we have been close friends for long enough that if we find out that we feel differently, I think we can work through it. As far as the end of the FWB thing goes, maybe one or both of us will feel different then, but I am optimistic that we both care about each other enough to let it go when it is time for one of us to find a more fulfilling relationship.

[clia]

Risky area, but it can work. I'm curious, why don't the two of you want to date? Why do FWB?

 

Anyway, here are some things to think about and establish:

 

-- Since you are just FWB, either one of you is free to date other people. And in fact, you should be dating other people. Consider how both of you will react to this. How will you react upon meeting this other person? (Since you are friends, I assume here and there you might decide to attend a party, night out, or barbecue with a date, and you might run into your FWB.)

 

-- Consider how you will react when one of you meets someone you want to date seriously. Will you be jealous? Will you be able to stop it "just like that"? Will you be prepared for the fact that this new person will likely pick up on the vibe between the two of you, which may bring a screeching halt to the amount of time you can spend together? How will you react to being second fiddle?

 

-- Do not have "relationship" talks. FWB is sex and sex only. There is the friend side, then a huge black line and then the sex stuff. In a "normal" relationship, the huge black line would be filled with all the emotional intimacy and fun dating stuff. In FWB, you cannot have that or things start to go haywire. Do not be going on "dates," buying her roses, or doing "boyfriend" stuff. If you want to do those kinds of things, then the two of you should be dating, not FWB. I would also encourage you to not spend a ton of time together. I know you are friends, but again, if you want to spend day and night together, date, don't be FWB.

 

-- FWB works out best when you are attracted to the other person and like them, but they have some red flag or non-negotiable which prevents you from wanting to have an actual relationship with them.

 

I actually think FWB works out better with someone you are not super close friends with, but merely acquainted with. It's much easier to remain unattached.

 

Keep in mind that if one of you becomes emotionally attached and the other does not, you run a very strong risk of losing your friendship. (I know you say now that neither of you wants that, but sex sometimes (ha!) creates unforeseen problems.) As a woman, I will tell you this--we bond with sex. If your girl starts to bond and you don't, you could find yourself in big trouble. Are you absolutely positive your friend is not interested in more, and is simply afraid to say?