Approach him or not?

[LolaO]

I've been through a lot in the past two years. Will try to make this short and simple. I am in the process of divorcing, and right or wrong, I'm trying to give this dating thing a shot because I feel ready. The last time I dated I was 17 and my last real date was my STBXH. I turn 34 soon and have two children.

 

Now, I've done some work on myself to get "me" back, and it's worked. Lots of guys ask me out, but absolutely nobody I'm attracted to. There may be something in me that won't trust a man after what I've been through, but I feel totally open to a relationship and I don't think my requirements are too much. I want him tall (because I am 5'8"), at least one degree (because I have three), Christian (because I am too), employed, and to be someone I find attractive (is that unreasonable?).

 

Okay, that said, there is a guy at church I want to meet. I can't think of a thing to say to him to introduce myself. A while back, when I first started attending this church, I noticed him. I am about 80% sure he was checking me out, but he probably didn't know I was a single mom going through a divorce at the time, so I pretty much did not respond to any guy who was giving me that kind of attention. I didn't want to get rejected later on.

 

Then there was a time he was still checking me out with my kids around, but all we said was hello. He looked like he wanted to talk, but I swear every time I have seen him...it NEVER fails, some guy I am not interested in or only friends with will come in and block. This man doesn't know me, he probably thinks I am dating one of these guys.

 

So I just backed off and forgot him for the longest. Then lately, I've been noticing him again and again. Maybe he is showing up in my path on purpose. I dunno. He has started teaching Sunday school and I notice other women (single and childless) are checking him out more too. I don't think I am that confident yet to say anything. I still don't even know his name. I made a pretty bold move in church this weekend. I was going to the bathroom and saw him in this corridor talking. I had no reason to be over there, but when I came out I went over there and stood right next to him. Fortunately, a woman I knew was also there and I talked to her, and then gave him a nice long glance, which he returned.

 

But as I said, the second a clearing comes, another guy I shot down several months ago shows up and starts talking to me. Ruined it! And then he had to leave because it was time for him to teach. Drats.

 

I am scared of being rejected because I am a single mom. But also, I know there are lots of guys who will try to take advantage of us, because they think we are desparate. I couldn't be sure if he is one of those if I were so bold as to approach him. Is it safe to assume he has not approached me because he is not interested and I should forget him again?

 

This by the way is going on with a couple guys. They stare, long and hard, make pleasantries, and then stop there. But I am only interested in this one guy.

 

What would you do in this situation? I have never in my life approached a man. A part of me feels it's wrong because of the "men are the hunters" thing. How do I let him know it is safe for him to approach me, given the only thing I know we have in common is that we attend the same church?

 

Thanks.

[norajane]

Well, introducing yourself and talking to him is hardly throwing yourself at his feet. He can take up the role of hunter once you give him the opening. That's how a LOT of women do it and the guy ends up thinking HE made all the moves.

 

Are your children in his Sunday school class? Perhaps you can start a conversation about that. Otherwise, I'd just find a moment when you two are in the same vicinity, and introduce yourself.

"Hi, I'm Lola. I've seen you in church often and would like to introduce myself. How are you enjoying teaching Sunday school?"

[LolaO]

Hi Norajane,

 

Thanks for responding. I am going to have to find a way to put that in my words. I am really very introverted. My kids are not in his class, but I am going to midweek service and he is usually there. Will make my move then. Crossing my fingers that no one will be running interference.

[LolaO]

I'm sorry I'm acting like a silly school girl, but I really want to do this right. There is a man in my church, who yesterday I discovered, is very serious about persuing me. He lives in church. I have had lunch with him, but I made it clear I thought of him as a friend, I talk to him very candidly about other guys and made it known I was scared to death of marrying again.

 

Yesterday was my birthday, he sent flowers, chocolate and fruit to me at work. He called me on the way home and asked to take me and the kids for dinner. I agreed. He gave me a gold watch and two business suits as another gift, and spent the evening telling me what he was looking for in a mate. I was very overwhelmed. This man is 14 years older than I am, and just not what I am looking for.

 

I don't want to be disrespectful, but I think he thinks he has an opening with me and he will definitely try to block anything I do tonight. He has been hurt many times by women, and I would hate to be another one so I have to do this right. Help.

 

I might add, that this guy I officially met when my church brought in some moon bounces one day, and me and the kids were getting stalked by this guy as they went from station to station. I asked him to stand there and pretend he was talking to me to make the other man go away. Lol, what is my problem?

Edited February 13, 2008 by LolaO

[norajane]

You should have not accepted his gifts! And you should have been honest with him right there about what kind of relationship you want from him.

 

Why is it so hard for you to speak up?

[LolaO]

You should have not accepted his gifts! And you should have been honest with him right there about what kind of relationship you want from him.

 

Why is it so hard for you to speak up?

 

 

Hmmm...you know I've been through a lot of trauma, and I think that has a lot to do with it. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but I haven't had much experience in this area. I dated three guys in my entire life and all as a teenager. I had a husband who was very violent, and that may have something to do with it too.

 

The other part may be pure selfishness. I have had to rebuild my whole life. I live in an area where I have had almost no family until recently. I don't even have a lot of friends nearby either. When I became single again, I very consciously went out to curry favor for whenever I would need help.

 

And there are the words of this married man that has scared me to death. When i was very weak and vulnerable, I made the mistake of listening to him, but he was in my ear so much that he really made me believe that as a single parent my choices were next to nil. No guy is going to want me. And part of me may be thinking just in case I don't find the one I want, why not have the one who wants me? He's not a bad guy, and I know a lot of women go chasing the wild ones when the good stable guys like this one are offering them everything. But I really, really don't want him in any romantic way whatsoever.

 

I'm just clueless in this stuff and very inexperienced.

[norajane]

Hmmm...you know I've been through a lot of trauma, and I think that has a lot to do with it. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but I haven't had much experience in this area. I dated three guys in my entire life and all as a teenager. I had a husband who was very violent, and that may have something to do with it too.

 

The other part may be pure selfishness. I have had to rebuild my whole life. I live in an area where I have had almost no family until recently. I don't even have a lot of friends nearby either. When I became single again, I very consciously went out to curry favor for whenever I would need help.

 

And there are the words of this married man that has scared me to death. When i was very weak and vulnerable, I made the mistake of listening to him, but he was in my ear so much that he really made me believe that as a single parent my choices were next to nil. No guy is going to want me. And part of me may be thinking just in case I don't find the one I want, why not have the one who wants me? He's not a bad guy, and I know a lot of women go chasing the wild ones when the good stable guys like this one are offering them everything. But I really, really don't want him in any romantic way whatsoever.

 

I'm just clueless in this stuff and very inexperienced.

 

So, basically, you think it's ok to use him for your needs?

 

Clearly, you're getting guys approaching you all the time, so much so, that you used this guy to ward off another, plus you have all those guys getting in your way of talking to the one you want.

 

I think you need to get your head clear, because right now, your perspective is going to earn you a reputation at your church, and not a good one.

 

Give those expensive gifts back! Tell him you've had some time to think and you can't in good conscience accept expensive gifts from him because you don't see your relationship developing into more than friendship. Apologize. Do the right thing instead of using him as your back-up and for gifts!

[LolaO]

So, basically, you think it's ok to use him for your needs?

 

Clearly, you're getting guys approaching you all the time, so much so, that you used this guy to ward off another, plus you have all those guys getting in your way of talking to the one you want.

 

I think you need to get your head clear, because right now, your perspective is going to earn you a reputation at your church, and not a good one.

 

Give those expensive gifts back! Tell him you've had some time to think and you can't in good conscience accept expensive gifts from him because you don't see your relationship developing into more than friendship. Apologize. Do the right thing instead of using him as your back-up and for gifts!

 

 

Ouch! That hurt...a lot. But I guess you are right.

[norajane]

Ouch! That hurt...a lot. But I guess you are right.

 

Lola, if you act with integrity and dignity, you won't ever have to worry about being on your own. Follow the golden rule!

 

If you are kind to men and treat them as you would want to be treated, then you will end up in the right kind of relationship.

[Mary3]

You need to return the gold watch , the 2 suits and anything else you can immediately and tell this man ( just like norjane said ) that you do NOT want these gifts because you only see him as a friend.

 

This mans desperate act to impress you is wayyyyyyyyy over the top and smells of LOSER.

 

Lose him fast !

[BentSpine]

It also isn't honourable to use the not-so-attractive guy as a meal ticket.