Your SO's mementos

[rebre]

Hello everyone, I have a problem that I am not sure what to do about.

 

Me and my gf have been together for 8 months now. We're both 26. Its getting serious and we're planning to move-in together in the next few months. We have a good relationship for the most part. Lately, we've had some problems that are damaging our relationship. We were together for 6 months when we talked about how many people we had been with, I've been with 3, she's been with 27.

 

Earlier in our relationship, we cleaned out her closet and found a memento box of old pictures, love letters, and junk like that. I told her I didn't like them and she threw them all away after a few tears and nothing else. She told me that was everything.

 

I never made a fuss or even gave any of this much thought, but this past weekend, something happened. We rearranged her furniture and I noticed a filing cabinet I had not seen before. In the bottom drawer was a collection of daily organizer books. I noticed the one on the top of the pile was the one I had seen in her possession many times before. I opened it and was surprised to see that she keeps a detailed account of our sexual interactions. The information was explicit, each day included which sex acts, positions, number of orgasms, location, time, etc. It was odd, but that wasn't the problem.

 

The problem is, this pile of books reached back over 15 years ago. She kept an account of every person she's been with, high school, college, post college, up to now. I felt very intense disgust when I flipped through the stack of books and saw entries that dramatically described her having wild sex with these other people.

 

I am not sure what I should do. I want her to get rid of these things and she sure is not moving into my house with them. I've never had a problem with a person's past, we all make different decisions. But this is hurting me.

 

In my situation, we're not talking a few old notes from high school that were mistakenly forgotten, this is a drawer full of over a dozen date books full of sex acts with old boyfriends.

 

I don't know how to bring this to her attention, but everytime I see her current organizer book, I feel sick.

 

I don't think that I would be unreasonable in asking her to trash them. Can anyone help me out?

[Art_Critic]

Why are you so threatened about something that is to be considered her past ?

 

Personally I think you crossed a line by making her trash her memory box..

Dude people have pasts.. part of being a grownup man is realizing this..

You cannot go around strong arming someone because they have had a past.. you need to accept them for who they are

 

You need to let her keep her memories.. albeit they should be put in a box and filed away to not be looked at in the near future..Maybe in the attic or the closet if she doesn't have an attic.

 

That being said if she keeps he memories out in the open or within an arms reach then I would think she needs to put the stuff up...

I also do think she could also remove all the sexual stuff from her memories too.. that would be a respectful thing for her to do for you...

Edited February 11, 2008 by Art_Critic

[Bryanp]

I do not know of anyone who keeps such detail sex records of every act with every person. It sounds pretty creepy to me.

[Cobra_X30]

Personally I think you crossed a line by making her trash her memory box..

Dude people have pasts.. part of being a grownup man is realizing this..

You cannot go around strong arming someone because they have had a past.. you need to accept them for who they are

 

How many times do we have to go over this same topic.

 

Your right, he should not have had to ask her to throw that stuff out. She should have done it on her own. Why? Because we are not living in the present if we constantly cling to the past.

 

Listen, this chick is OCD style creepy! How do you miss that point?

 

Plus, the whole... everybody has a past thing... Yeah they do! And it's 100% his choice how he reacts to that!

[dropdeadlegs]

I do not know of anyone who keeps such detail sex records of every act with every person. It sounds pretty creepy to me.

Wow, I was thinking along those lines. That is strange, indeed.

 

As for mementos, I don't keep crap after a breakup, but my BF has every card he's ever received from me and many other women. I don't "get" his need to keep them, but I figure he doesn't "get" how I can so easily throw it all away, either. His stuff doesn't bother me at all. I know who he loves today! Yesterday and last decade don't even matter.

 

When we moved in November, I happily packed his stuff and found a place for them in our closet. It's not like he digs them out and reminisces or anything. He would probably throw them out of I asked, but I feel so secure that I don't care if he keeps them.

[Art_Critic]

How many times do we have to go over this same topic.

 

Your right, he should not have had to ask her to throw that stuff out. She should have done it on her own. Why? Because we are not living in the present if we constantly cling to the past.

 

Listen, this chick is OCD style creepy! How do you miss that point?

 

Plus, the whole... everybody has a past thing... Yeah they do! And it's 100% his choice how he reacts to that!

 

I have pictures and memories in boxes from my past.. does that mean I don't live in the present..No..

 

I will give you the sex detail is kinda overboard.. but if you read the first part of his post he says he made her get rid of a memory box stored in the closet from her past.. those were not sexual memories and he crossed the BF line by making her get rid of them

 

One person who has only known you for a few months shouldn't tell another what they can keep from their past.. that is controlling and shows a lack of self esteem

[Cobra_X30]

I have pictures and memories in boxes from my past.. does that mean I don't live in the present..No..

 

I will give you the sex detail is kinda overboard.. but if you read the first part of his post he says he made her get rid of a memory box stored in the closet from her past.. those were not sexual memories and he crossed the BF line by making her get rid of them

 

One person who has only known you for a few months shouldn't tell another what they can keep from their past.. that is controlling and shows a lack of self esteem

 

No, for you that just means your too lazy to go through them and toss'em. Unless you go through them every so often to remember past conquests?

 

Anyway, I'd agree for the most part... but your making an assumption here.

 

He states the he expressed a negative feeling towards her mementos and she cried and threw them out. Nowhere in there does it state he forced this action. So we can only speculate.

 

In regards to this organizer. I'm sorry but if my GF was recording everything we did together... I would not give consent, and I would be very upset if done without my knowledge.

[Art_Critic]

In regards to this organizer. I'm sorry but if my GF was recording everything we did together... I would not give consent, and I would be very upset if done without my knowledge.

 

I have to agree with this.. I have said all along that the sexual stuff was too much.. for me and I would imagine anyone...

[carrotgirl]

In the bottom drawer was a collection of daily organizer books. I noticed the one on the top of the pile was the one I had seen in her possession many times before. I opened it and was surprised to see that she keeps a detailed account of our sexual interactions. The information was explicit, each day included which sex acts, positions, number of orgasms, location, time, etc. It was odd, but that wasn't the problem.

 

The problem is, this pile of books reached back over 15 years ago. She kept an account of every person she's been with, high school, college, post college, up to now. I felt very intense disgust when I flipped through the stack of books and saw entries that dramatically described her having wild sex with these other people.

 

I am not sure what I should do. I want her to get rid of these things and she sure is not moving into my house with them. I've never had a problem with a person's past, we all make different decisions. But this is hurting me.

While I don't keep a running play by play of my sexual encounters, yes, I journal all of them, along with anything else that strikes me as being important to ME at that time. Why? Because it's my life and I like to write about it.

 

So you read her private journals without her permission and you didn't like what you read. Tough T.T. for you.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cobra_X30

In regards to this organizer. I'm sorry but if my GF was recording everything we did together... I would not give consent, and I would be very upset if done without my knowledge.

 

I have to agree with this.. I have said all along that the sexual stuff was too much.. for me and I would imagine anyone...

Guys, let me just get this straight.... (And I'm surprised at you two taking this stand too! )

 

You'll have sex any which way with a chick but if she writes about the experience in her own private journal as it actually happened that's a no no? Why? The act isn't just about you and YOUR experience is it?

 

Carrot

[Walk]

When I moved in with my bf he had loads of journals that he'd had while with past gf's. I can't imagine digging through those without his permission. Those were his intimate thoughts, and just because we share living quarters, it didn't give me automatic permission to rifle through EVERYTHING he owned.

 

That would have violated his privacy, his trust, and his sense of his own identity.

 

I'm really curious what she wrote in the journals... I bet she could sell those for some huge bucks. Change a few names, falsify a few locations.. and wham, erotic book contract.

[Cobra_X30]

Guys, let me just get this straight.... (And I'm surprised at you two taking this stand too! )

 

You'll have sex any which way with a chick but if she writes about the experience in her own private journal as it actually happened that's a no no? Why? The act isn't just about you and YOUR experience is it?

 

Carrot

 

Yes, that would bother me lots. I realize that in sharing that experience I give up a certain aspect of my privacy, however that does not mean whoever I am with has the right to journal it without my consent, or providing for my privacy.

 

How would you feel if some guy video taped you two together without your knowledge? Would that bother you?

[dropdeadlegs]

Video journals.....hmmm.

 

 

Just thinking out loud.

 

Journals and journals that only document sexual experiences are two different things. I'm assuming, surely, but was under the impression that the journals mentioned in the OP were strictly detailing sexual acts, not journals that are more like diaries of thoughts and feelings on any number of subjects..

[carrotgirl]

How would you feel if some guy video taped you two together without your knowledge? Would that bother you?

To me these things are completely different the way writing a recipe is completely different from reading a recipe is completely different from preparing a meal is completely different from eating the meal not to mention how the meal tastes to me vs. how the meal tastes to someone else.

 

Regardless, you and your actions are subject to interpretation by any and all you interact with at any given time past, present and even forward looking.

 

Come on! Lighten up Francis!

 

Carrot

[oppath]

Video journals.....hmmm.

 

 

Just thinking out loud.

 

Journals and journals that only document sexual experiences are two different things. I'm assuming, surely, but was under the impression that the journals mentioned in the OP were strictly detailing sexual acts, not journals that are more like diaries of thoughts and feelings on any number of subjects..

 

This is what is important. Detailed sex journals being kept is...well, odd. I wouldn't be comfortable about it unless my gf was a sex writer/blogger. I think it warrants a two part discussion. (1) Why did you feel compelled to record every sexual encounter and orgasm and do you write about me that way? (2) Why, if you are serious about me, do you feel the need to hold on to those records? I'm not asking you to throw them out, just understand.

 

Sex journals are NOT the same as a journal for most people and I would want to understand why she still had them, and I'd have no problem, if I did not understand her feelings, saying "I feel uncomfortable with that."

[JenniiMichelle]

thats her personal business. Its like a journal, you know girls like to save their memories...it doesnt mean it has anything to do with now. If you dont like seeing that, then dont read it, because thats not meant for you anyways.

[rebre]

Ok to clarify what each entry looked like, it said first a description of the date/night itself (rarely), then it followed with a literal play-by-play of the intercourse including time of and length of the interaction. Its bizarre, very detailed. The books are filled almost entirely with the sex notes, the organizers were not used for anything else like work or school related notes, or if so, very rarely. I felt uncomfortable reading about even my own times with her. And now that I know this, I remember seeing the organizer in her hands quite often, and still do, but never thought anything of it.

 

I know that everyone can keep their memories and journals, but isn't this an extreme situation? We're going to be moving in together in the end of the spring, and like I said, she isn't going to be bringing them into my house. As someone responded, this isn't a journal with a variety of activities written down, this is a sex collection. I feel that if it makes me uncomfortable, she should either trash them, or at the very least, box them up and store them away. Right now, the file cabinet is in the center of the room!

 

Here's my question; I've decided I am going to address this with her. The problem is, how do I bring this to her attention? She does not know that I have seen these books. And I haven't been to her place since I saw them. Even if I "catch" her writing about me tonight, I'm going to have to explain a lot.

[blind_otter]

Just tell her that you were looking through her things and you found the journals. She will probably be pissed that you were snooping but hey, you were, so that's that. Ask her why she keeps the journals. They may mean something to her that you don't understand.

[Storyrider]

Clearly this is a big priority for her and a huge part of who she is. It sounds a bit obsessive-compulsive, but even if you take the journals away, it isn't going to change the emotion that drove her to write those entries in the first place. You need to figure out whether you can accept that aspect of her personality.

 

And I agree with BO that you need to talk with her about it so you can learn why she does it. Understanding it might detox it a bit for you.

[Cobra_X30]

Here's my question; I've decided I am going to address this with her. The problem is, how do I bring this to her attention? She does not know that I have seen these books. And I haven't been to her place since I saw them. Even if I "catch" her writing about me tonight, I'm going to have to explain a lot.

 

No, you are not obligated to explain. She is journaling about your most intimate moments and you dont have to say how you know. Just focus on the fact that she writes about you, I dont think she has the right to do that without your consent.

 

it's super creepy anyway. Is she planning to write a book or something?

[mental_traveller]

Yes, that would bother me lots. I realize that in sharing that experience I give up a certain aspect of my privacy, however that does not mean whoever I am with has the right to journal it without my consent, or providing for my privacy.

 

How would you feel if some guy video taped you two together without your knowledge? Would that bother you?

 

But she didn't video him. She wrote about it.

 

Are you saying people don't have a right to write about their experiences?

[blind_otter]

No, you are not obligated to explain. She is journaling about your most intimate moments and you dont have to say how you know. Just focus on the fact that she writes about you, I dont think she has the right to do that without your consent.

 

it's super creepy anyway. Is she planning to write a book or something?

 

I disagree. You are obligated to explain...anyways what are you going to do...resort to some infantile "I just KNOW, OK?" she'll know what happened anyway, might as well be open about it....that is, if you want her to reciprocate and be equally open.

 

just sayin. if you withhold, she will probably withhold, too.

[mental_traveller]

Video journals.....hmmm.

 

 

Just thinking out loud.

 

Journals and journals that only document sexual experiences are two different things. I'm assuming, surely, but was under the impression that the journals mentioned in the OP were strictly detailing sexual acts, not journals that are more like diaries of thoughts and feelings on any number of subjects..

 

But the sex journal is simply writing down what she already felt and thought about those sex acts. How can it be ok to think these things but wrong all of a sudden just because she writes them down?

[Art_Critic]

Are you saying people don't have a right to write about their experiences?

 

First off.. I wanted to make my stand clear..

 

I don't think asking/making her get rid of her memory box that was in the closet was appropiate BF-GF behavior.

A person has a past and they should keep memories from their past... but those memories should be put away.. in an attic or closet..

 

What I think the OP had a problem with in the diaries is that it is 15 years of sexual memories that she is keeping within reach..

 

If she doesn't buy a new diary and then store the old diaries then she is going back and reading those 15 years of memories.. he did say they are stored in a filing cabinet in the center of the room.

 

I myself wouldn't have a problem with someone keeping those type of memories but I would think that the woman I was involved with would respect me and the relationship enough to not keep them within arms reach and would also not read them from time to time..

 

There is no need for anybody to pull old memories out and relive those moments while in another relationship.

I don't think the OP has the right to ask her to throw them out but I do think he has the right to ask her to put them away for good and also ask her why she needs to keep them.

 

Make the past the past...

 

 

I like B_O 's advice.. Find out why she needs them and maybe some more understanding on both sides will come of it..

[Storyrider]

She is journaling about your most intimate moments and you dont have to say how you know. I dont think she has the right to do that without your consent.

 

That is outrageous. She doesn't have the right to show them to others or publish them without his consent. She can write whatever she wants for her own private use. But if he doesn't want a writing girlfriend, he can back out.