Advice needed! Unhappy...considering divorce.

[uptownb0y]

I'm glad I found this site. Hopefully some people here can help.

 

I'm a 30-yr-old guy and I've been married for nearly 4 years now. We have no kids.

 

Lately I've become increasingly frustrated and disillusioned with our marriage. This started well over a year ago, and we started seeing a therapist (Psych. PhD) at that point. She's very good and it's been sort of helpful. But not much has changed.

 

My reasons for wanting a divorce are:

 

Sexual incompatibility

(No oral sex given or received by her, and little or no

adventurousness.)

She controls the money

(I have to ask permission before buying anything over $10,

but I earn a good salary and am not a big spender.)

Big differences on religion

(I've recently become agnostic, she's devout Christian, but I

still attend church with her sometimes, reluctantly,

to keep the peace)

Having children

(She's ready; I'm not. I thought I was ready before we

married -- now I am unsure and may not want them at all,

at least not with her. This is highly disappointing to her.

She's been more than ready for kids for 4 years now.)

Location

(She wants to move closer to her out-of-state family; I don't.)

Controlling, parental behavior

(She treats me like her kid, has too many rules for me

to follow, and keeps me under too much supervision.)

 

I haven't told her yet that I'm considering leaving her, but I've been seriously thinking about it for many months now. It's always under the surface.

 

We've tried discussing the above issues, but it goes nowhere. She isn't willing to consider changing or compromising much at all. I can't imagine dealing with this for the rest of my life, and after turning 30 I realize that I'm not getting younger. Why spend the rest of my life like this?

 

We married only 6 months after we first met (online). So we had very little time to get to know each other. It was an "impulse" marriage. However, we both expected it to last, and it was supposed to be a lifelong committment.

 

Our arguments tend to be spaced far apart, but rather big. The last time we had a big argument, she started talking about suicide. (This was after learning that I identify more with agnosticism than Christianity.) She kept talking about different ways in which she could kill herself. I kept begging her to stop talking that way, and she finally took that to mean that I would "fight for her" -- so in her mind, the relationship was stable and she had nothing to fear.

 

The talk of suicide disturbs me more than the issues I listed above. I'm definitely not ready to have kids with this woman, and I have big misgivings about staying with her. (If I left her and she killed herself though, I'd feel like an ass for the rest of my life.)

 

The relationship is clearly going nowhere, but I cannot bring myself to tell her that we need to part ways. It seems so cruel, so heartless, and so hurtful. It's like killing a kitten or something. So I let the status quo go on, day after day, knowing that I'm probably hurting her more by not levelling with her about how I feel... that this needs to be over.

 

I've been through a bitter breakup years ago, with an ex-girlfriend, and I told myself I'd never hurt someone that way again. Now it seems I've set myself up to ruin someone else's life.

 

Please help... Any and all advice would be appreciated.

 

--uptownb0y

 

P.S.: Her interpretation of Christianity says that she could not remarry if we parted. We've even talked about this and she confirmed that she would never be with a man again. So I would have doubly ruined her life by leaving her.

[maskee28]

Well, it seems like you have done everything you can - you've gone to therapy together, and she's aware of how you feel, but yet nothing has improved, and you write that she is not willing to try to change or compromise.

 

I don't think you have a choice; this really isn't a marriage.

 

The two of you seem completely incompatible, which should have been clear to you both before you married....but maybe not, since you married only 6 months after meeting online. When did you first meet in person?

 

Threatening to commit suicide, or saying you'll ruin her life by leaving because she can't re-marry is a load of crap, designed to guilt you into staying in a marriage you're completely unhappy in.

 

Especially since there are no children involved, I say cut your losses and move on.

[quankanne]

ugh, you poor guy. If you honestly are incompatible with this woman, there are no good reasons for staying in this marriage. The hard part is going to be finding the strength to actually let her go, because some of the stuff you've shared sends up red flags, leading me to think that she's a manipulator. Maybe not a blatant one, but I think when someone talks of suicide, they usually do it to gage another person's sense of devotion to them. I've heard horror stories about people staying together because one mate threatens the other with suicide, and it just ain't healthy.

 

If you haven't already, go for additional counseling, but for you alone. Maybe that will help you change your outlook on your relationship, maybe it'll help you find the strength to get out of the marriage, only you can find that out. It'd probably be a good idea for your wife to find a good counselor, as well, to see by herself.

 

[color=darkred]The relationship is clearly going nowhere, but I cannot bring myself to tell her that we need to part ways. It seems so cruel, so heartless, and so hurtful. It's like killing a kitten or something.[/color]

 

someone who finds it okay to manipulate you with threats of suicide is equally cruel and heartless, and it just doesnt' make any sense. Would you swallow poison knowing full well what affect it would have on you? remaining in such a troubled relationship, just because you don't want to hurt her is very much akin to that.

 

You're right to wonder about what the future would hold with someone like that. I guarantee, unless she gets serious help and changes for the better it'll be pretty damned bleak.

 

good luck,

quankanne

 

p.s. her decision to never remarry is HER decision, not yours; trying to link that to you divorcing her is like saying my neutered cat will bear a litter of puppies. One really has no bearing on the other

[BillG]

First of all uptownbOy, you have to realize you BOTH decided to get married. You didn't say how old your wife was, but I have to believe she is an adult with a mind of her own. She's intelligent enought to hand the finances. Stop blaming yourself, there are two sides to a coin. One is your view point and the other is her and somewhere on the thin edge is all the truths about your relationship.

 

You stated that you are seeing a therapist, are they individual sessions or group sessions? I would recommend you go as individuals so you can express yourself freely on all the issues you have mentioned. Your wife does need individual help as well. Anyone who would threaten suicide certainly needs some professional help.

 

If she is a Christian, as you say, then she has to realize that suicide is a sin that can't be forgiven. So if she is truthful, she may feel like it but she really won't do it. (I say that with some reservations, because I don't want you to assume she won't, take it very seriously.) But here again it is not YOUR fault, it a situation that both of you created and depending on how much you have grown together would determine how much effort you want to invest in this marriage.

 

The issues you have listed are not unsurmountable, but would take a lot of effort to understand why they exist. Some past experience, some religious beliefs, what ever her reasons are for not sharing with you.

 

I have many other thoughts, but will end here. Good luck, I do hope this helps somewhat.

[clia]

Let's see, so you can't agree on sex, religion, kids, where to live, and finances. Those are HUGE issues. I don't believe you can have a good marriage without agreement on them. (Did you two discuss anything before you got married?)

 

It doesn't sound like you two are compatible at all. I think your only solution (if she is not willing to work with you to compromise) is to get a divorce and find someone who you are more compatible with.

 

If I left her and she killed herself though, I'd feel like an ass for the rest of my life.)

 

Her interpretation of Christianity says that she could not remarry if we parted. We've even talked about this and she confirmed that she would never be with a man again. So I would have doubly ruined her life by leaving her.

 

Neither one of these things are your problem. If she was that concerned with keeping your marriage together, surely she would at least discuss some compromises with you, go to therapy with you, or do whatever it takes to keep the marriage together. The truth of the matter is that she does not want to compromise, is probably perfectly happy with how things are, and does not want to get divorced. I think she is simply trying to lay a guilt trip on you so you won't leave her by bringing these things up.

[uptownb0y]

maskee28: We met online nearly 8 months before marrying, and in person 6 months prior.

 

quankanne and BillG: We've done couple counseling and also both individually, but all with the same therapist. She's really good though. She does a lot more than just listen & write notes... But I've tried to bring up the discussions which the Dr. thinks we need to have -- and my wife just breaks down sobbing and won't stop until I drop the subject, basically.

 

BillG: Thanks for writing... I don't question her ability to handle the finances -- that's fine. I just think that we need equality when it comes to how decisions are made. If I want to buy something, and it's not expensive, I should be able to do that -- within reason.

 

clia: Thanks for your thoughts also... She is much happier in the relationship than I am. That's because I spend a lot of time ensuring her happiness, with little regard for my own... I suppose. I'm a good partner -- I cook dinner sometimes, do the dishes, sweep floors, and generally help out with household duties at nearly 50%. I don't cheat on her or go to strip clubs with the guys. I'm a well-behaved, well-trained house pet basically. But I'm not happy with this.

 

Any further ideas from others are welcome.

[quankanne]

another huge red flag ... you bring up topics and she doesn't want to discuss them, and so breaks down into sobs so that you chose not to pursue said discussion. But otherwise, she seems to be happy in the relationship with you? something is so seriously wrong here, healthy relationships are about communicating, not manipulating. And she sounds VERY manipulative. Maybe it is time to say goodbye, because this is about as good as it's going to get, as long as she remains in this mindframe.

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

Very sorry you're going through all of this.

 

First of all, you say this therapist you're going to together and individually....well what is her take on things? Yes, I know she can't 'advise' you on what to do, but do you think she has a clear picture of how your wife IS, or does your wife put on a good 'show' when there as a couple? I would also think that a good therapist would be helping you to realize that your marriage is not anything close to being a partnership, but more about ownership: you being your wife's property, and something to manipulate and control.

 

Secondly, your wife sounds like a nutbar.

 

Her interpretation of Christianity says that she could not remarry if we parted. We've even talked about this and she confirmed that she would never be with a man again. So I would have doubly ruined her life by leaving her.

 

I think the key words here are "her interpretation"....because I'd say the vast majority of Christians don't believe this way...unless maybe they're some kind of fanatical extremists.

 

And whether she believes this or not (frankly, I think it's nothing more than a sorry assed attempt to manipulate you and keep you sticking around), that's entirely her problem.

 

Gotta ask though.....didn't you stop to think that only knowing her for 6 months was a little soon to be making such a serious commitment? Not trying to judge you at all.....but all the differences you have: religion, sexual compatibility, finances, household responsibilities, having children.......these are topics that couples should have discussed indepth prior to marrying....to ensure they're on the same wavelength.

 

This CRAP (cuz that's what it is) with her threatening suicide is pathetic...and shows what an immature, selfish person she is. True love isn't anything to do with guilting someone who's UNHAPPY into staying with you. You have to be true to yourself......and staying with her, while miserable and missing out on real love and a good relationship with someone, all because you're falling for her 'threats' is just not right. She's emotionally blackmailing you.

 

I wonder what her relationship history was like prior to you? Bet she has a history of this crap.

 

What on earth does your therapist suggest when you tell her your wife threatens suicide?

 

You wife sounds like she's one step below being an abuser......emotionally abusive, if in fact she's not already. Yes, she's treating you like a child......who the hell does she think she is, controlling the money like that and doling out $10 to you like you're a kid getting his weekly allowance?

 

I think you need to start making arrangements (financial and otherwise) to leave and then stick to your guns. If she was so in love with you, she would be willing to compromise.....but she sounds like a selfish, controlling, manipulative, cheeky wench who doesn't know her arse from a hole in the ground. She is playing you, and don't think she doesn't know it. She gets a good man who treats her well, kisses her arse, brings in a good income, is her puppet on a string, who will listen to her commands and will accept the things she won't compromise about.....and who cleans and cooks, to boot. You need her like you need a root canal.

 

Get out now while you still have some self esteem and wits about you.....get out before she 'accidentally' GETS PREGNANT (in order to keep you).......and on that note, I'd definitely NOT be having sex with her due to this very reason. From what you've written, she sounds like someone who'd do anything to 'keep you.'