Affairs destroy everyone involved...from the MM.....1223

[Stack36TT]

I am a selfish, lying, cheating MM. I have been married for 7 years and had been in an extramarital relationship for the last three. I was definitely in love with the OW, more so than my wife, but lied to both of them to keep my "cake and eat it too," lifestyle. I broke down a year ago and told my wife of the affair, and after destroying her emotionally, she decided we could try and work on our marriage. Less than two weeks later I started seeing the OW again. That went on for the last year, and on Superbowl Sunday it all blew up again! Once again, my wife was willing to take me back.

 

I, however, after being faced with losing the OW(she hates me at this point, and wants nothing to do with me) have realized what I had in her and what I have taken for granted for the past three years. I was given everything by both women for the last three years and took it all for granted. I have destroyed the OW, my wife, myself, and if it gets out to the family...them too. There is nothing good to come from infidelity. It is something that after losing the woman I love (OW) I have realized quite clearly.

I once told OW that given my two small children, my company, and my comfortable lifestyle, leaving was just not an option...and there are certain things I couldn't justify giving up for love. In retrospect, it was one of the stupidest decisions I have ever made. She is gone forever at this point, and should be!

Looking in the mirror at myself, I am disgusted with the man I have become.

The only positive things to come out of this is knowing how it feels to be left by the person you love (so I don't let that love slip away again), and knowing I will never ever do this again to anyone.

Please think about all the people you are hurting by engaging in an affair.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just had no where else to even express this.

[juliegeraci]

Affairs hurt everyone. It hurt my husband deeply. He has forgiven me but I've still had an emotional affair for the last 2 years. I decided last week that I needed to recommit to my marriage for good and have no contact. It is very painful and I wish I had ended this 2 years ago instead of dragging it out. If your wife loves you and at the very least you are good friends maybe you could rebuild your marriage? In my case, that is what has happened. I decided it was worth saving because we are such good friends. I guess if I was a better partner I too wouldn't have been so selfish. That is how I feel now. Very selfish. Good luck with your recovery. It takes time.

[White Flower]

I am a selfish, lying, cheating MM. I have been married for 7 years and had been in an extramarital relationship for the last three. I was definitely in love with the OW, more so than my wife, but lied to both of them to keep my "cake and eat it too," lifestyle. I broke down a year ago and told my wife of the affair, and after destroying her emotionally, she decided we could try and work on our marriage. Less than two weeks later I started seeing the OW again. That went on for the last year, and on Superbowl Sunday it all blew up again! Once again, my wife was willing to take me back.

 

I, however, after being faced with losing the OW(she hates me at this point, and wants nothing to do with me) have realized what I had in her and what I have taken for granted for the past three years. I was given everything by both women for the last three years and took it all for granted. I have destroyed the OW, my wife, myself, and if it gets out to the family...them too. There is nothing good to come from infidelity. It is something that after losing the woman I love (OW) I have realized quite clearly.

I once told OW that given my two small children, my company, and my comfortable lifestyle, leaving was just not an option...and there are certain things I couldn't justify giving up for love. In retrospect, it was one of the stupidest decisions I have ever made. She is gone forever at this point, and should be!

Looking in the mirror at myself, I am disgusted with the man I have become.

The only positive things to come out of this is knowing how it feels to be left by the person you love (so I don't let that love slip away again), and knowing I will never ever do this again to anyone.

Please think about all the people you are hurting by engaging in an affair.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just had no where else to even express this.

It sounds like you are suffering a huge loss. I feel for all involved.

 

If you really feel you loved the OW more, why don't you just leave your W? Doesn't she deserve someone who will love her more? Can you handle that?

 

Best wishes.

[Stack36TT]

It sounds like you are suffering a huge loss. I feel for all involved.

 

If you really feel you loved the OW more, why don't you just leave your W? Doesn't she deserve someone who will love her more? Can you handle that?

 

Best wishes.

 

I am going to leave my wife. I love her enough to realize she deserves someone who is in love with her. We are talking about details and how things will work. I just wish I had done it sooner and was able to be with the woman I am deeply in love with. I have just never dealt with this type of loss and pain. It feels like it will never let up.

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly...

 

Unfortunately, sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone...

 

You seem to completely understand what's going on in your situation and I hope that you take what you've learned from the experience and are able to move forward...

 

Best of luck in the future...

 

GEL

[9Lives]

I am a selfish, lying, cheating MM. I have been married for 7 years and had been in an extramarital relationship for the last three. I was definitely in love with the OW, more so than my wife, but lied to both of them to keep my "cake and eat it too," lifestyle. I broke down a year ago and told my wife of the affair, and after destroying her emotionally, she decided we could try and work on our marriage. Less than two weeks later I started seeing the OW again. That went on for the last year, and on Superbowl Sunday it all blew up again! Once again, my wife was willing to take me back.

 

I, however, after being faced with losing the OW(she hates me at this point, and wants nothing to do with me) have realized what I had in her and what I have taken for granted for the past three years. I was given everything by both women for the last three years and took it all for granted. I have destroyed the OW, my wife, myself, and if it gets out to the family...them too. There is nothing good to come from infidelity. It is something that after losing the woman I love (OW) I have realized quite clearly.

I once told OW that given my two small children, my company, and my comfortable lifestyle, leaving was just not an option...and there are certain things I couldn't justify giving up for love. In retrospect, it was one of the stupidest decisions I have ever made. She is gone forever at this point, and should be!

Looking in the mirror at myself, I am disgusted with the man I have become.

The only positive things to come out of this is knowing how it feels to be left by the person you love (so I don't let that love slip away again), and knowing I will never ever do this again to anyone.

Please think about all the people you are hurting by engaging in an affair.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just had no where else to even express this.

 

Wow...this was amazing. Superbowl was a terrible day for us a well. I just text him telling him I hate him as well.....I hate him for not being man enough to tell me some things and let me go or let me leave when he knew he should. just all about him. This is so f/d up!!!!

[White Flower]

Stack, I sincerely hope you can get OW back. If she stuck it out for 3 years and really loves you and sees you're taking this giant leap forward surely she'll forgive you.

 

Good luck.

[Stack36TT]

Stack, I sincerely hope you can get OW back. If she stuck it out for 3 years and really loves you and sees you're taking this giant leap forward surely she'll forgive you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for the good wishes but unfortunately I lied to her as well and I don't think she will be able to forgive me. I feel so lost without her. Its amazing how we take for granted so many precious things on a daily basis. Other than my two kids, I would give it all up for just a conversation with her to tell her how I really feel.

 

Thank you all for your input, I really thought I would get flamed for my post.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it's best that you are alone for a while. If the OW comes to you in the future, then so be it...

 

Focus on healing, and being the best father you can for your kids. Make them number one! Everything else will fall into place as it should..

[White Flower]

Tell us about the lie. Maybe we can help you rectify this.

[Tomcat33]

Thank you for the good wishes but unfortunately I lied to her as well and I don't think she will be able to forgive me. I feel so lost without her. Its amazing how we take for granted so many precious things on a daily basis. Other than my two kids, I would give it all up for just a conversation with her to tell her how I really feel.

 

Thank you all for your input, I really thought I would get flamed for my post.

 

 

what did you lie to her about if you don't mind me asking...?

 

Sorry for your pain and loss, this is a real switch from what we usually hear around here. A lot of the things you say here sound like my ex, I wish I could forgive him for lying to me and making me think there was hope when there wasn't and now almost a year later he has come back to me divorcing and my heart and head feels like it is too late....I suppose some of you guys think we the OW will be around forever? Can't you persist with her before her heart closes off forever? She may be mad but not have closed her heart off to you yet?

[Lyssa]

what did you lie to her about if you don't mind me asking...?

 

Sorry for your pain and loss, this is a real switch from what we usually hear around here. A lot of the things you say here sound like my ex, I wish I could forgive him for lying to me and making me think there was hope when there wasn't and now almost a year later he has come back to me divorcing and my heart and head feels like it is too late....I suppose some of you guys think we the OW will be around forever? Can't you persist with her before her heart closes off forever? She may be mad but not have closed her heart off to you yet?

 

I am with TC.

 

Even if OW went back to you, there is a lot that you have to make up to. You have a lot to prove to her - that is something you should think about - whether you can do it or not.

[Stack36TT]

what did you lie to her about if you don't mind me asking...?

 

Sorry for your pain and loss, this is a real switch from what we usually hear around here. A lot of the things you say here sound like my ex, I wish I could forgive him for lying to me and making me think there was hope when there wasn't and now almost a year later he has come back to me divorcing and my heart and head feels like it is too late....I suppose some of you guys think we the OW will be around forever? Can't you persist with her before her heart closes off forever? She may be mad but not have closed her heart off to you yet?

 

I had never promised her that I was leaving, but that if there were no children involved I would have without a doubt. That was the honest truth. But, I also told her there was no physical relationship in months with my wife, and there was. Even though minimal, (5-6 times in 8 months) there was still a physical relationship with my wife. I finally fessed up to everything to both of them because I was tired of the lying and stress of living two lives. I never meant to hurt her like this. I, alos, have never been one to chase after someone or give my heart totally to them, and now that she is not there and not coming back, thats all I want to do. It has been 9 days and no contact. I even called and left a message, and nothing. I feel that I have hurt her too much, and she is gone forever. I am afraid to try any harder, possibly pushing her further away....if thats possible.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

The only positive things to come out of this is knowing how it feels to be left by the person you love (so I don't let that love slip away again), and knowing I will never ever do this again to anyone.

Please think about all the people you are hurting by engaging in an affair.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just had no where else to even express this.

Just Imagen how your wife feels she didn't have a OM to fall back on she only had you.

 

I'm sorry but to me it sounds like you have less sympathy for her then you do for yourself or the OW.

 

She gave you her loyalty and love in marriage doesn't that count for anything I get no sense of feeling bad for the A just losing the OW?

 

If you were that enamored with the OW then you should have left your wife when the A 1st came out so she could move on I'm sorry I have no sympathy for you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

me neither.

 

And those encouraging him to go back to an affair so destructive to one's marriage reeks of self absorbment!

 

Imagine those two children growing up and saying: oh daddy's still banging the woman he left our mother for!

 

They wont respect him, and they wont respect it!

 

You diss the mother and by extension you diss the kids. I know how it works, it happened within my family where's my father side was real angry at my mother for stupid reasons and thus I took it to heart because my father was never there for us and he fell into a shawdowy life of drugs and secrecy and they did nothing to help.

 

But that's what happened to me.

 

My advice you already made it bad enough with your W and the OW, stop pining over her, admit your faults and move on to someone else.

 

And then you can possibly rebuild your relationshp with your children.

[jj2007]

I am a selfish, lying, cheating MM. I have been married for 7 years and had been in an extramarital relationship for the last three. I was definitely in love with the OW, more so than my wife, but lied to both of them to keep my "cake and eat it too," lifestyle. I broke down a year ago and told my wife of the affair, and after destroying her emotionally, she decided we could try and work on our marriage. Less than two weeks later I started seeing the OW again. That went on for the last year, and on Superbowl Sunday it all blew up again! Once again, my wife was willing to take me back.

 

I, however, after being faced with losing the OW(she hates me at this point, and wants nothing to do with me) have realized what I had in her and what I have taken for granted for the past three years. I was given everything by both women for the last three years and took it all for granted. I have destroyed the OW, my wife, myself, and if it gets out to the family...them too. There is nothing good to come from infidelity. It is something that after losing the woman I love (OW) I have realized quite clearly.

I once told OW that given my two small children, my company, and my comfortable lifestyle, leaving was just not an option...and there are certain things I couldn't justify giving up for love. In retrospect, it was one of the stupidest decisions I have ever made. She is gone forever at this point, and should be!

Looking in the mirror at myself, I am disgusted with the man I have become.

The only positive things to come out of this is knowing how it feels to be left by the person you love (so I don't let that love slip away again), and knowing I will never ever do this again to anyone.

Please think about all the people you are hurting by engaging in an affair.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just had no where else to even express this.

 

 

Well, at least you are honest about it.

 

Take care of your kids. Work on yourself. Good luck.

[NoIDidn't]

I just wish you felt sorry for what you did to your W. What you are still taking for granted isn't the love the OW had for you, but the fact that your W was willing to take you back - over and over again.

 

Your M may be over, in that you are sorting out the details of the divorce with your W, but you still owe your W respect and dignity in the end to not be pining after the woman you cheated on her with - for years at that.

 

Can you imagine the slap in the face that must feel like to her? She kept taking you back and you kept running back to the OW.

 

I am not surprised that you lied to the OW. Most MM do. And they lie for the same reasons that you lied for - to keep things just the way they are. And while you are admitting lying to the woman you loved so much (the OW), why don't you also tell us why you assumed she would always be there? Same with your W. You assumed that they would both always be there, and so lied to both of them until YOU couldn't take it anymore.

 

What about their feelings? Did you consider that both of them would have wanted a say in this as well?

 

I'm not slamming you at all. Just want you to consider that your feelings aren't the only ones that matter. And until the OW sees that you can think of someone other than yourself, you won't be getting her back. Now, your W is a different ballgame, she is your W and the mother of your children. Lots more to consider in her mind than just letting go of a M and H - but also the father of her children, her in-laws, your in-laws, mutual friends, the whole lot.

 

You are right about one thing, the affairs do hurt all involved. Its too bad we humans almost always have a "it seemed like a good idea at the time" mentality.

[Stack36TT]

I just wish you felt sorry for what you did to your W. What you are still taking for granted isn't the love the OW had for you, but the fact that your W was willing to take you back - over and over again.

 

Your M may be over, in that you are sorting out the details of the divorce with your W, but you still owe your W respect and dignity in the end to not be pining after the woman you cheated on her with - for years at that.

 

Can you imagine the slap in the face that must feel like to her? She kept taking you back and you kept running back to the OW.

 

I am not surprised that you lied to the OW. Most MM do. And they lie for the same reasons that you lied for - to keep things just the way they are. And while you are admitting lying to the woman you loved so much (the OW), why don't you also tell us why you assumed she would always be there? Same with your W. You assumed that they would both always be there, and so lied to both of them until YOU couldn't take it anymore.

 

What about their feelings? Did you consider that both of them would have wanted a say in this as well?

 

I'm not slamming you at all. Just want you to consider that your feelings aren't the only ones that matter. And until the OW sees that you can think of someone other than yourself, you won't be getting her back. Now, your W is a different ballgame, she is your W and the mother of your children. Lots more to consider in her mind than just letting go of a M and H - but also the father of her children, her in-laws, your in-laws, mutual friends, the whole lot.

 

You are right about one thing, the affairs do hurt all involved. Its too bad we humans almost always have a "it seemed like a good idea at the time" mentality.

 

Thank you all for your opinions. I have justly admitted my selfishness through all of this. I wish I could feel bad for my wife's position, but I can't. I want to feel the love for her I once had, but I don't. There are so many conversations my wife and I have had over this past week where I wish I could show some type of emotion towards her, but I don't. I don't know why I dont, but I guess it comes down to the fact that I am not in love with her any longer. I hate the person I have become, and the person I was for the past three years. The only light at the end of the tunnel I see for a life of feeling and emotion is with the OW. She is the only one other than my children that I have ever opened up to and showed emotion with/towards. And, still I wasn't completely open with her. I want to be! I made my bed with all of this, and I am going to lay in it, but I can't help or stop the feelings I have towards the OW and the lack of feelings I have towards my W.

[Elena62]

Thank you all for your opinions. I have justly admitted my selfishness through all of this. I wish I could feel bad for my wife's position, but I can't. I want to feel the love for her I once had, but I don't. There are so many conversations my wife and I have had over this past week where I wish I could show some type of emotion towards her, but I don't. I don't know why I dont, but I guess it comes down to the fact that I am not in love with her any longer. I hate the person I have become, and the person I was for the past three years. The only light at the end of the tunnel I see for a life of feeling and emotion is with the OW. She is the only one other than my children that I have ever opened up to and showed emotion with/towards. And, still I wasn't completely open with her. I want to be! I made my bed with all of this, and I am going to lay in it, but I can't help or stop the feelings I have towards the OW and the lack of feelings I have towards my W.

 

You sound like my stbxh!

 

He cheated when I was pregnant.

He left me for another woman.

He came back as soon as he found out i had someone else.

I got blamed for his infidelity.

years later he did it again.

he left me with the children.

he came back when he thought someone else was sniffing around me when they wasn't.

he continued his emotional affair for YEARS.

He denied everything.

He refused conselling.

I refused to divorce him.

I tried to repair the marriage.

I realised what a prize ass he is.

we came to an agrrement to do as we wished while keeping family together.

I started to see another man.

he was a liar too.

I've cut him off completely.

After one last attempt my stxbh has admitted he doesn't want to give up his life.

he is one selfish pig!

Affairs wreck lives.

Before I ever enter into another relationship I have to get rid of all this crap in my life.

 

You should stand back and realise that your happiness does not center around what someone can give to you or by thinking that your happiness lies in another womans arms.

 

I don't mean to sound offensive. I'm just tired of reading about the incredible amount to hurt that people deal each other.

 

Your wife and the OW is better off without you. The same way I'm better off without all the liars that have come into my life......

 

I'm not saying I haven't been responsible for my share - I have been. That's why I've known when to be responsible for my actions and when to do the decent thing.

 

Do the decent thing, before it's all too late!

[LadyDi]

Did you and the OW end this angry or was it a common agreement? That might make a difference in getting back in touch with her. Good Luck, I hope you get to feeling better and get things straightened out all around.

[Tomcat33]

Thank you all for your opinions. I have justly admitted my selfishness through all of this. I wish I could feel bad for my wife's position, but I can't. I want to feel the love for her I once had, but I don't. There are so many conversations my wife and I have had over this past week where I wish I could show some type of emotion towards her, but I don't. I don't know why I dont, but I guess it comes down to the fact that I am not in love with her any longer. I hate the person I have become, and the person I was for the past three years. The only light at the end of the tunnel I see for a life of feeling and emotion is with the OW. She is the only one other than my children that I have ever opened up to and showed emotion with/towards. And, still I wasn't completely open with her. I want to be! I made my bed with all of this, and I am going to lay in it, but I can't help or stop the feelings I have towards the OW and the lack of feelings I have towards my W.

 

 

Well you cannot force yourself to feel something you don't feel. Thank you for elaborating on what you lied about in your earlier post.

 

As I see it you don't feel anything for your W because you are in love with someone else, and while you cannot be forced to feel for your W you owe it to her to the commitment you once made to her to give her some level of decency in all this. If you honestly no longer feel for her then do the right thing cut her loose and be honest with her. Tell her you love another woman and that you can't give her what she needs, it's the only way to deal with this situation and to redeem an iota of all the hurt you have caused all around, including in yourself. Cut your loses take a chance and move on. It you are this determined about your feelings she needs to know where your head and heart are at regardless of what happens with this OW, you should leave because you claim to no longer be able to feel anything for your W it really isn't fair to her so stop the selfish streak and go.

 

As per the OW, persistence, you have to offer her more than words. So clear out your situation at home so that you are free to pursue the woman you claim to love, in time you can win her over with actions talk is cheap, it's VERY cheap. If she loves you and has not closed off her heart to you she'll get over the fact you lied to her about sleeping with your W I mean c'mon any grown adult has to be able to deal with the fact that if you are sleeping with a married man, chances are he still sleeps with his W, either get over it or get out. But if she pulls a hissy fit over that she is not in touch with the reality of the situation, if you lied to your W why in the world would not lie to her? You don't want to say it to her in those words but if you can eventually connect with her you must open up to her 100% it's the only way you can win her back.

[JessieT]

It seems to me that if you know what you say is true then you need to do a couple of things to make things right. First, divorce your wife, if you're done, and you're sure of it and you don't want to try and make it work, then you have to leave. We OW's are constantly told that if he shows up with divorce papers in hand, he's meaning what he says. That doesn't mean that she'll take you back, it means you might have a chance. And then you have to work as hard as those wandering spouses who are making up with their wives work to get back in with your OW. It's the same game, just the other woman instead of the wife. Words mean nothing now, only actions.

 

If you really love her, and she really is the one for you, then you can't give up. Just make sure that she isn't just the one that you think you love because she made you feel good. You might needs some time on your own to figure out who YOU are before you jump in to anything else.

[Impudent Oyster]

I agree with Jessie, You need to be ALONE. You also need intense therapy. I'm not saying that to be flip, but you seem to me someone who wants what they can't have, the thrill of the chase, but when you've got it, you're bored.

 

That's why you wouldn't leave your wife for your OW, you actually loved having two women, now that the OW smartened up NOW you want her?

 

You've got a lot of work to do on yourself. Please don't drag anyone else into your issues until you've fixed them.

[Owl]

But, I also told her there was no physical relationship in months with my wife, and there was. Even though minimal, (5-6 times in 8 months) there was still a physical relationship with my wife.

 

OMG!!!!!

 

I can't believe it!!!! You're telling me that a MM would lie like this to his OW?!??!! Say it isn't so!!!

 

ok.../sarcasm off

 

I'm sorry, but there have been so many OW on this site that have been given the same line that you gave your OW...and all of them willingly buy into that same lie just as she did.

 

This is straight out of the cheater's handbook...its all part of the standard WS script that everyone is given at the beginning of the affair.

 

I'm not surprised that you feel nothing for your wife at the moment. You've been living a lie on every front for years. At this point...in truth...I don't think YOU know how you really and truly feel anymore. The odds are, you've been lying to yourself even more than you lied to either of them.

 

If your wife is as eager for the divorce as you appear to be, I say go for it. That's far and away the best thing for everyone involved if the both of you agree to it.

 

I don't feel sorry for you...or for your OW. Both of you walked into this situation with the potential consequences clearly spelled out for you in big, black and white letters. And now its happened.

 

I feel sorry for your wife, who's been drug through the dirt for years. I feel sorry for your kids, who are now going to be dealing with a broken home, a mom who's self-respect and self-worth are on par with the slime in the bottom of a trash can, and they're going to have to overcome the example you've set them in how they treat their future spouses, how they care for their future families and loved ones.

 

At this point...take your licks, learn from your mistakes, do the best you can for those who's lives you've shattered, and drive on. Its all you can do now.

[whichwayisup]

I can understand that you can't 'feel' feelings for your wife, feel that remorse because you're much more into the OW emotionally than your wife, but the fact that your wife, MOTHER of your children, deserves to have respect. Seems you can't even muster up empathy or any sympathy for what you've done to her. Inlove with her or not, if you can't find it in your heart to feel bad for doing this to her, definately seek counselling.