JessieT Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 You ignored the part where I said the lies build up over time. One lie is not the same as cheating, you are correct on that one small point. But one small lie is never the only one. It's easier each time and each time it steps a bit closer to exactly the same amount of pain as cheating or as you put it walking in on your husband with his pecker in another woman" Charming by the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Quoting both, let's try: No, I never intended to be monogamous. I have no idea whether he intended to - it was never something I asked him to agree to - but he fell totally in love with me and had eyes for no one else, so didn't live up to his intentions if they were for something other than monogamy. Did he know I had no intention of monogamy? Yes of course, I was upfront about that from the start, and all through. Maybe he secretly hoped I'd change my mind but he certainly never said anything to that effect, and I never gave him any reason to expect that I might. Did he agree to marry on those terms? Clearly, or we wouldn't have signed the paper. Why get married? That's a pretty good question. He'd been married before, and was also sworn off it (he claimed). I just never believed in it. We were already living together, so there was no rite of passage involved. Nothing was going to change. But one day we were fooling around and he said, "let's get married" and I laughed and said sure, and we rounded up a couple of friends to witness and walked down to the court. Ten minutes later we were married. So... why DID I get married??? To tell the truth <whisper> I was young, silly, and not remotely sober at the time. The magistrate SHOULD have recognised that this was momentary madness - a bit like Britney Spears's Vegas wedding - and sent us home to sleep it off, but he was a magistrate not my mother and so he just did his job and took two consenting adults at their word. Lots of people get married for the wrong reasons, and I was one of them. Oh, well then, you really didn't get married, just made a spur of the moment, drunken mistake. The bigger question is, why didn't you get that accident anulled? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I'm sure we can all agree that yours, OWoman, is a highly unusual case; that most people enter into a marriage, each of the notion that the other won't be f'ing anyone else but them. Ain't that the truth! OWomen, I trust your MM knows how you feel about monogamy, right? Link to post Share on other sites
JessieT Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Could we agree that in a perfect world nobody would lie ever, including the lie that comes with cheating? And could we agree that the world isn't perfect and that lying does happen, even if it shouldn't? I'm not going to try to get you to agree that someone who cheats is just a person like any other liar, which is basically everyone in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 I'm not going to try to get you to agree that someone who cheats is just a person like any other liar, which is basically everyone in the world. Well I must be from another planet by your logic because I am not a cheater or a liar. There is a big difference in being a cheater and being a liar. Sure cheaters lie but liars don't always cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 I am a selfish, lying, cheating MM. I have been married for 7 years and had been in an extramarital relationship for the last three. I was definitely in love with the OW, more so than my wife, but lied to both of them to keep my "cake and eat it too," lifestyle. There is nothing good to come from infidelity. Please think about all the people you are hurting by engaging in an affair. I'm glad you've at least learned something significant through this affair and the end of your marriage. That lesson will be valuable for how you choose to live the rest of your life. I hope it helped you to post your story here and get your feelings out. And I hope you didn't disappear after page 2 because you were driven away by the following 9 pages. I know your thread has taken on a life of its own having nothing to do with you, but I hope you'll read through some of the other threads here and provide your insights to those who have questions about the affairs they are in. Your experiences would probably help people both in the OW forum as well as the Infidelity forum - we don't get too many MM around here. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 I'm glad you've at least learned something significant through this affair and the end of your marriage. That lesson will be valuable for how you choose to live the rest of your life. I hope it helped you to post your story here and get your feelings out. And I hope you didn't disappear after page 2 because you were driven away by the following 9 pages. I know your thread has taken on a life of its own having nothing to do with you, but I hope you'll read through some of the other threads here and provide your insights to those who have questions about the affairs they are in. Your experiences would probably help people both in the OW forum as well as the Infidelity forum - we don't get too many MM around here. Gee, I posted the same point yesterday (albeit way shorter - "Stack where are you? I hope you weren't scared away" - and not as eloquent as NJ!), and my post got deleted. Wonder why. Maybe it was too short and to the point. Brevity is the soul of wit, but it cuts no ice on LoveShack! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Oh, well then, you really didn't get married, just made a spur of the moment, drunken mistake. The bigger question is, why didn't you get that accident anulled? Annulment does not exist on our statute books as an alternative to divorce - it is available only in genuine cases where the M turns out to have no legal standing, such as one partner already being legally married to someone else, or the spouses turning out to be siblings, or the marriage to have been conducted fraudulently (stolen identity, for example - very common locally for visa purposes). "I was drunk at the time" or "I changed my mind" wouldn't count as valid grounds. Divorce is no fault, based solely on irreconcilable differences, so that is the universal option. Which I took, albeit not immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 OWomen, I trust your MM knows how you feel about monogamy, right? Of course he does! Even though he doesn't share them, he fully understands why I think the way I do. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 You're right, Zolie. It goes back to the idea of marriage=ownership. People still feel very strongly about that so that is why they flame. I wonder if they would like someone to be stuck with them forever if they didn't feel loved by them? Who ever said they have to be stuck with any one forever? thats why there is a thing called divorce or even separation. I'm sorry but to run around behind you wifes or husbands back for years with another man or women. While still enjoying the comforts of the marriage and the spouse is just wrong its having your cake and eating it too. You can say I'm flaming all you like but you can't convince me thats right. Marriage is never ownership its a agreement that 2 adults voluntarily join into. Even if it wasn't a happy M if he had found the OW and knew he was honestly happier with her. He should have left his W right in the very beginning but what he did was wrong to the W and to the OW for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 What is it with the coulda, woulda, shoulda? Is that very helpful? Does it make the person saying it feel superior or right? The fact of the matter is that it would have been wonderful if the M was dissolved before either partner became involved with someone else... However, that's not the case...So let's deal with the actual facts and give advice supporting a course of action rather than throw around I told you so's and what should have been done... Sheesh... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Maybe it's a little *nudge* for everyone, not just the OP, for a better way to handle things in the future if their feelings for their next SO change after some time. It's like an Aesop's fable - we're all supposed to learn a lesson from others' mistakes so we and our loved ones (or prior loved ones) don't have to suffer quite as much emotionally. No, I don't think it was a nudge for everyone...It's meant for OP's... And that's not subtlety, but you didn't mean for it to be, did you? Funny thing is, you have more to worry about than me and don't even realize it... Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Just related to the first sentence. If you read closely you will note that I separated the next thought which I began with "OP" into its own paragraph. you say tomato I say your wrong but that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 What is it with the coulda, woulda, shoulda? Is that very helpful? Does it make the person saying it feel superior or right? The fact of the matter is that it would have been wonderful if the M was dissolved before either partner became involved with someone else... However, that's not the case...So let's deal with the actual facts and give advice supporting a course of action rather than throw around I told you so's and what should have been done... Sheesh... All ideas can be helpful thats the beauty of a public forum like this its not just one person dictating what is good and bad. There are all kind of different opinions and you can take whats useful to you brilliant! l:D Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 All ideas can be helpful If that were true there'd be no need for policies or guidelines on sites like this. Flaming, harassment and spam are examples of ideas that have been agreed NOT to be useful, and so they are banned. When people post "ideas" that are close to flaming, harassment or spam, then their usefulness gets challenged, as in this case. And, as you'll see by the fact that some of those posts have vanished, the mods agreed that they were not useful. So no, NOT all ideas are useful. Link to post Share on other sites
AngDre02 Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I know this sounds selfish...and I know that affairs do hurt all involved. But at the end of your life shouldn't you look back on it and think, "yes, I'm happy with the way it turned out." People marry each other and it doesnt' work...divorce shouldn't be something that you're proud about, but it's an option that sometimes can save the lives of everyone involved. Find someone who makes you happy...find someone who enjoys your company and much as they enjoy yours. And as far as your children, it's important for them to be in an environment that showers nothing but love and support. If they can't get that from you and their mother, is it really worth staying? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I know this sounds selfish...and I know that affairs do hurt all involved. But at the end of your life shouldn't you look back on it and think, "yes, I'm happy with the way it turned out." People marry each other and it doesnt' work...divorce shouldn't be something that you're proud about, but it's an option that sometimes can save the lives of everyone involved. Find someone who makes you happy...find someone who enjoys your company and much as they enjoy yours. And as far as your children, it's important for them to be in an environment that showers nothing but love and support. If they can't get that from you and their mother, is it really worth staying? Good point. And the same is true for adult children. We should all care about our parents' happiness no matter the age. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 divorce shouldn't be something that you're proud about Why not? I'm very proud that I had the sense to realise that staying in my M was bad for me, bad for the kids (maybe even bad for xH) and leave. I'm proud that I could walk out without a backward glance and make it on my own with no help from anyone - including xH who conveniently forgot he had kids the minute they weren't underfoot - and successfully raise happy, well-functioning young adults as a result. I'm proud that I didn't simply cave in to pressure to "stay and make it work, for the kids" but could think for myself and do what seemed to me to be best - and make it work. And I'm really proud that I've had a happy life since, that my kids have grown up in a happy home and been happy themselves, instead of being condemned to the misery of what would have been the alternative. Divorce is not the failure of marriage; it's the success of good sense. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I must agree and I was once a very old-fashioned gal. I am proud that I'll be showing my children that a woman doesn't have to stay and put up with (fill in the blank) out of a sense of social norms and pressure. I am sure they will benefit from my D rather than suffer for it. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I don't think anyone advocates staying in a bad marriage. All that is necessary to get healthy is to leave. But why have an affair before leaving? Just leave and then do what you heart desires as long as it doesn't hurt someone else in the process. If the person you fall for is married, insist that they leave or don't be with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 It's like an Aesop's fable - we're all supposed to learn a lesson from others' mistakes I have to learn from other's mistakes....I don't have time to make them all myself Link to post Share on other sites
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