Livin&Learnin Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Hello, Let me begin by stating that I love my husband. However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to remain physically attracted to him due to his being overweight. We have been together for 13 years and married for 11 yrs. When we met he was in good shape...muscular and healthy. He remained consistent with his weight over the first 4-5 years of our relationship. Then he slowly began gaining the pounds and would fluctuate between 20-30 pounds overweight. He'd gain 20 and then lose 15...gain that back, plus 5lbs etc... Typical Yo-Yo dieter. I have tried for years to be encouraging...getting him motivated to join a gym...clearning junk food from the house...exercising with him...cooking healthy...lecturing him about his health risks...I really wanted him to keep fit and healthy. Well, my problem currently is that over the past 2 years he has gained so much more. He is now 50-60lbs overweight. He is 5.7 and weights 240lb. I'm afraid of coming across as "mean" or "harsh"...but I'm really struggling with being physically attracted to him. His weight gain has caused stress in many areas of our relationship...sexually, he just doesn't have the "drive" anymore. It's not that we don't have sex, however; I initiate it 9 times out of 10. He is tired all the time and I find he's cranky and a bit depressed and I'm sure it's due to his lack of self-esteem. I know he doesn't like being "fat", but he admits he "likes food" and it obviously brings him a form of comfort. As for me, I'm actually a bit thinner than when we met even after 2 children. I try hard to keep myself in shape and looking attractive for him as well as, for myself. I know that he is visually stimulated by my body. Why am I not worth him looking sexy for me? I guess I just feel cheated. He's not the man I met & married (physically). Our sex life has dwindled to 1-2 times a month and it is good when we get into it, but I find that looking at his gut & large man boobs turns me off. Also, it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable in certain positions. Mainly him on top. He actually hurt my back a couple months ago from his stomach weight across my hips/stomach. The closeness has also suffered as he can't lay down on me and hold me tight to him. There is just too much gut. :-( What can I do?? I don't know what else to try and I'm afraid of him gaining even more weight. I also carry tremendous guilt for being repulsed by his body. This is hard to admit, but lately, I've caught myself looking at other men because they are in fit shape. Any advice? Thanks for listening! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 If you were the one overweight and he had issues with it and was finding you sexually unattractive, how would you like him to approach it with you? Looking at other men is fine ONLY if it's just looking...If you are lusting after someone in particular or thinking affair, then yeah, you have a problem on your hands, more so than just your H's weight. Join a gym with him, workout with him. Go for romantic walks (weather permitting), do yoga together...Movitate him in a positive way! Make him feel loved and needed..I'm sure his self confidence sucks right now and I bet he's feeling depressed as well. You can talk to him, in a loving way yet give him tough love without making him feel worse. First off, his health!! That is important, so involve his Doctor too. Has he had a check up recently? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96378/?highlight=lvspecb One of many threads from the last several years on the issue you're facing. I think you have to be VERY careful how you bring it up and how you state your feelings. It seems to be easy to make your spouse very defensive, to the point where every discussion about food, sex, fashion or fitness becomes an indictment of their weight. Tread lightly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Livin&Learnin Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 As you can see I HAVE been treading very lightly. My question wasn't really how to approach my husband about his weight, rather I am struggling with how to deal with it. It's not like I haven't tried the gym thing with him, exercising with him, clearing the house of as many "junk" foods etc...etc... He is a truck driver (not over the road) and he does a lot of his eating while working. Fast food & the like. In spite of the many times I've tried to counsel him on healthy eating & healthy choices. He admits to using food as comfort for stress & that he simply enjoys the act of eating. I appreciate your advice, but understand...I would NEVER speak to my husband in a mean or uncaring manner. As I stated right from the start...I love my husband. Maybe I should have worded this differently. :-) What I'm searching for is answers or advice from those who have overweight husbands. How to stay connected physically when you are finding it difficult to find comfortable sexual positions & the visual stimulation is gone. Thank you again. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 How to stay connected physically when you are finding it difficult to find comfortable sexual positions & the visual stimulation is gone. How can you do this when this is how you feel ?: I find that looking at his gut & large man boobs turns me off. Also, it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable in certain positions. Mainly him on top. He actually hurt my back a couple months ago from his stomach weight across my hips/stomach. The closeness has also suffered as he can't lay down on me and hold me tight to him. There is just too much gut. :-( For your marriage to prosper, he's going to have to change. No way around it. You feel how you feel and unless there is a switch you can turn off somewhere I don't think that will change either. My previous point (which you seem to have a handle on) is to simply be careful in your approach or the solution can be worse than the problem . Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHaiku Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 When I read your post I find myself wondering if your husband is more than a bit depressed. You mentioned not only weight gain but also lack of libido and a general crankyness. It's hard to say whether the weight might be causing the depression or whether the depression might be causing the weight, or even whether they might be locked in some kind of spiral. But no matter which is cause or effect, getting him help for depression might be a good idea. Even if it's not serious depression, this is clearly interfering with your sexual life, and most marriages can't withstand sexual incompatibility. Even without blaming or putting him down, could you talk to him about your fears for the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
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