Author LakesideDream Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 LookingForward, I haven't got that far. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe my cowardly feelings will pass, and I'll return to my "normal" macho a-hole self. One thing I have learned in the past decade is how to be patient. Twenty years ago, I pushed and scrambled. I was full of ambition. Now I don't have the same mind set, or energy. My mind feels 25, but my body is definetly quite a few cylinders short of a V8. Did I mention I still have my hair? That's a plus... LoL! Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Lakeside, how long since you talked to this woman? I think the fear of rejection might be your good intuition telling you that something isnt right...you've moved heaven and earth for this woman and I think the time for procrastination and avoidance is over-take the bull by the horns and announce yourself to her. I personally think it'll do more harm than good if you end up living there for months without telling her, as it might really strike her as bit strange... Bottom line is...if its meant to be, it'll work, but you're enough on your own for any good woman (we can all see that from your posts) - you don't need to add a house, full furnishings, incredible patience and all else to boot to seal the deal. You don't need perfect furnishings for goodness sak-if she's in love with you, your presence in her town will be enough. There will also never be a 'right time' and I think because of fearing rejection you might still be finding 'just one more thing to make right' before telling her. If you deal with this now, you either get the good stuff sooner or you get to start your new move in a new town afresh-for you....you've only got one life so dont waste it waiting in fear for something that might or might not happen! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Lakeside, how long since you talked to this woman? I think the fear of rejection might be your good intuition telling you that something isnt right...you've moved heaven and earth for this woman and I think the time for procrastination and avoidance is over-take the bull by the horns and announce yourself to her. I personally think it'll do more harm than good if you end up living there for months without telling her, as it might really strike her as bit strange... Bottom line is...if its meant to be, it'll work, but you're enough on your own for any good woman (we can all see that from your posts) - you don't need to add a house, full furnishings, incredible patience and all else to boot to seal the deal. You don't need perfect furnishings for goodness sak-if she's in love with you, your presence in her town will be enough. There will also never be a 'right time' and I think because of fearing rejection you might still be finding 'just one more thing to make right' before telling her. If you deal with this now, you either get the good stuff sooner or you get to start your new move in a new town afresh-for you....you've only got one life so dont waste it waiting in fear for something that might or might not happen! We've talked recently. She has no clue I live here. She sensed that "something" was different. For awhile I thought she might have guessed I had moved. Not so, or at least I have no new indication it is. And you are correct. I don't expect the "status quo" will last much longer. The physical proximity alone makes that highly unlikely. I'm just trying to deal with new emotions, and the realization that I am still capable of fear. Bad day I guess. I was ill a couple of days ago (tired with chest pains) and I'm feeling mortal. One of the hardest things I'm dealing with is the actual realization that I'm "not as young as I feel" (mentally/emotionally). Thank you for your concern and advise. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 One thing to consider: it will be better to tell her that you moved than to have her find out on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
HIS OTHER ONE Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I would never call you a coward, in the contrary I believe you are a very brave man for taking the risk and going after your true love regardless fo the out come. Better to try and fail than fail without ever trying!!!! I wish you all the luck in the world. And I believe the best thing in life is to know regardless of the outcome; than to live a life always wondering...." What if " ? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 One thing to consider: it will be better to tell her that you moved than to have her find out on her own. I would agree with that... If she even has a hint it would be easy for her to figure out where you are or if you sold your other house... I personally think you need to Stop planning.. Stop putting it off...Nothing you do or plan for will change the outcome.. Whatever that will be.. it will be either yay or nay.. You need to tell her... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 LSD, while I envy you the 'do over' you've done in moving, getting a new house, etc...you know that I'm not one of the "supporters" for your renewing an affair. I can relate to that "mortal" feeling more than you might know. Have you considered the "what else" in life that might bring you joy, rather than holding on to the sole belief that its HER? What else have you "always wanted to do" that you've never "gotten round to"? Why not pursue those things? Its not that I begrudge anyone love, my friend. I hope that you've seen enough of my posts to know this...my only reservations in all of this is of course the fact that this resumes an affair, and ultimately all come at the expense of her husband...if she were to choose to remain with you. I'm curious...have you considered the possibilities? All of them? The ones I can think of are simple enough. She leaves her H immediately for you. She opts to continue the affair behind her H's back. She refuses to continue an affair, but wants to maintain a friendship. She feels 'betrayed' by your 'sneaking up on her and putting pressure on her' and ends your friendship. What are YOUR boundaries in this? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Lake, I really agree with nevermind and torrance - better to tell her before she "finds out", and it would seem a little creepy if it turns out to be too long - whether the answer from her is yay or nay, she may have feelings regarding you being in such close proximity yet not telling her straight away (or soonish after the move, anyway) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 What else have you "always wanted to do" that you've never "gotten round to"? Why not pursue those things? Owl, thanks again for your perspective. As to your question above. I have thought of it in the past, and again before starting to write. Nothing. I hope you are not suprised. For 25 years I was fully invested in the marriage. All my planning and effort went into successfully making my family happy and comfortable in the early years of marriage. In the later years my focus began to change into planning and building for a relaxed and happy retirement. Along the way I was able to do and experiance the things I wanted. Only one thing was missing in my life/marriage. In the last years of my marriage, and the years following, I have matured in my appitites (I don't want to use the term "changed"). I am now almost completely seperated from the "material" aspects of living. This may sound like a contradiction after the way I "set up" my new home, however it isn't for me. Believe it or not, I have given away, and donated 5 times the amount of "things" I replaced them with. I also am not attached to "things" I may have. I could happily walk away from all of it (while still paying the bills) keeping only what I could carry in the back of my SUV. What has/was missing in my life (and marriage) is love. Unconditional, passionate, joy filled love. The ability and oppertunity to enjoy every breath I take. I was lucky enough to feel it for a short time. That time has become what I dream. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I think you're so right to not look to material things for happiness. But...that feeling of wanting love and happiness - right now you're not getting it from this woman (because of the waiting) and you need to find out soon if she's capable of giving that love n happiness to you again...cause if she isn't, its out there somewhere else for you....whether thats the new love of your life (you're not old, contrary to what you say you might feel!-you have a long future with a gorgeous woman waiting for you somewhere) - or whether thats taking up horseriding, or volunteering on charity projects, making new best friends, being a mentor on one of those 'big brother' schemes...hell, running for office, whatever you want to do! What I am saying is, great feelings dont have to just come from a romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 LsD, I think introspection like that is inevitable. Once the adrenalin rush of the whole move starts to wear off, you can't but be flooded by the "what next"s. I don't think you should beat yourself up over it though - it's simply a sign that after all that action and agency, you're kicking back. The easy way to fix it is... take more agency! But Torrance and LF have said that already. Of course you're afraid of rejection - you'd be lying to yourself if you said you weren't. Rejection is always a possibility in any R at any stage. It's what keeps us on our toes and stops us taking our partners for granted, and keeps the R alive. That you're in touch with that possibility shows you're self-aware, and that is not a bad thing. LsD you will never be "ready". You could always be fitter, more toned, more chilled, more confidant, younger ... but chances are that with time you will be less so (esp younger!). Now is as good a time as any. If chance isn't helping you out, you need to give it a helping hand. The worst that happens? You get rejected. Is that certainty any worse than your current doubts, actually? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 LsD, I think TS, OW, and Owl (and others) are giving great advice. Bottom line is, do what brings goodness to yourself and others, and if this woman is your destiny it will happen. If not, you have not lost a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I posted earlier that if I were your MW that it would weird me out to find out that you had sold your house and moved to be in my town - and that you had withheld that information from me for months. Please please please tell her now, when she is alone and has time to process this information and to come to grips with it in her mind. Do NOT accidentally run into her at the 4th of July fireworks, when she will be there with her H, and possibly her children or a crowd of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 I posted earlier that if I were your MW that it would weird me out to find out that you had sold your house and moved to be in my town - and that you had withheld that information from me for months. Please please please tell her now, when she is alone and has time to process this information and to come to grips with it in her mind. Do NOT accidentally run into her at the 4th of July fireworks, when she will be there with her H, and possibly her children or a crowd of friends. No children... both are long since adults with lives of their own, not living in the area. I probably won't go to the 4th Celebration. And I do have to do something about this situation at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Seen her yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 Seen her yet? Not as of yet. I have a few problems I am still working through. If I had news (good or bad) I would have posted. Thanks for asking though. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Good luck with your problems! Link to post Share on other sites
mistresswchildren Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Hey Lake! So, we are still lying in wait, huh? It has to be hard to hold onto this. Do you ever think that the fear of rejection is what is holding you back? I'm not sure that is the case, but I suppose I would understand it. I mean I went running around the country to try to be with my xMM and in the end I was abandoned (and it was his idea that I come there in the first place!). The point is that you know you need to do this. Maybe, the proximity will be a good thing, maybe, it won't. You will never know until you tell her. Let her make her decisions. If she doesn't respond well, then you know that you did what you could to make it work, and that it wasn't you. Take comfort in that. I know that you feel "old." I know that you feel that this kind of love will not happen for you again, but don't you want to know whether or not this woman is capable of that kind of love? Don't you want to know if it truly is unconditional? Don't you want to know if you are putting her on a pedestal that she may just fall off of by no fault of your own? I just figured I would ask. You know I hope for only the best for you! I hope that it all works out, but I don't think that you should wait any longer. You are always the one that says that life is short, and you don't have much of it left. You are the one that makes yourself sound ancient (which I don't believe for a second). Carpe Diem! Link to post Share on other sites
Kindle Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I read all of this thread from start to finish - all i can say is OH WOW ! I cant help but hope things work out well for you OP - has there been any developments yet ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted August 3, 2008 Author Share Posted August 3, 2008 I read all of this thread from start to finish - all i can say is OH WOW ! I cant help but hope things work out well for you OP - has there been any developments yet ? Actually, I have decided to open a small brick and mortar storefront to go along with my online business. This is a major step/committment to the community. In addition to owning a home (outright) I will have a business here. doing this has taken up an awful lot of time, and will continue to do so for the next six weeks or so. It's been an interesting experiance re-locating here. And a good one. I'm doing what I can to become a real "citizen" here. I hope that will make the rest of my plans and hopefully a relationship with my lady friend easier, more attractive and most importantly I will present myself as a "stable" alternative to the status quo. Still haven't had that "random" or accidential meeting either, which seems sort of amazing in a town this size. Could happen anytime! Link to post Share on other sites
Kindle Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Thanks very much for the update ! I hope the storefront goes well Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 It is the fear of rejection stopping you from contacting her, isn't it? I think you've been there so long now and it's just postponing the inevitable, finding new reasons every time to postpone your telling her. I guess your gut is telling you it might not happen and you are scared of what you might hear when you tell her you've moved there to be with her (who knows, though, maybe she'll be really happy!). Can I put an idea out there? I know you have your heart set on this woman, but could you at least think about joining some clubs/online dating etc with the view to meeting prospective new partners, too? Keep your options open!-you seem like a really great catch but I'm not sure it's healthy to keep your life, soul, hopes, dreams and reasons for being so wrapped up in one person....let yourself consider other options too. If it's meant to be, you see her and tell her, you simply stop dating the other people. If it doesnt happen with her, you have these other dates to think about...just remember that your worth is in no way dependent on what this womans decision is... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Actually, I have decided to open a small brick and mortar storefront to go along with my online business. This is a major step/committment to the community. In addition to owning a home (outright) I will have a business here. doing this has taken up an awful lot of time, and will continue to do so for the next six weeks or so. It's been an interesting experiance re-locating here. And a good one. I'm doing what I can to become a real "citizen" here. I hope that will make the rest of my plans and hopefully a relationship with my lady friend easier, more attractive and most importantly I will present myself as a "stable" alternative to the status quo. Still haven't had that "random" or accidential meeting either, which seems sort of amazing in a town this size. Could happen anytime! Hmmm....this will really send her a message lake - and that msge says "I'm here and I'm not going away" - still not sure that's a good or bad thing when she finds out. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Can I put an idea out there? I know you have your heart set on this woman, but could you at least think about joining some clubs/online dating etc with the view to meeting prospective new partners, too? Having walked a similar path, I would have to say, in retrospect, I agree with this. Perhaps LakesideDream is doing exactly that, in his own way. He is expanding his social life markedly by adding a storefront and all the social obligations which come from joining the local business community. I get what he's trying to do and admire his patience. I wish I were similarly gifted Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 "I'm here and I'm not going away" - still not sure that's a good or bad thing when she finds out. Yes, she could freak out and feel quite threatened that Lake moved so close to her or she could be happy. My train of thought sadly is, (obviously I could be very wrong here) she'll feel quite freaked by his move and be angry. Link to post Share on other sites
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