Bought a new Home today The Adventure Begins!

[Mustang Sally]

Thanks carhill, for that perspective.

And I can...kind of see that point.

 

I guess for me (and I have, admittedly, viewed this mostly from the MW's perspective, being female, and having had {potential?} EAs before), my opinion still stands, though. I just wanted to share it as potential food for thought.

(Or not! Take what applies here, and leave the rest behind, you know?)

 

That's all.

[Owl]

Say LsD makes no overt moves. Say MW becomes aware of his presence. He continues to operate his business, has a social life, contributes to the community, etc. He's not pressing her in any way for contact, commitment, divorce, etc. He's just there.

 

In this scenario (I'm not say that is what he is planning), the MW can continue to make decisions for her own life, just with LsD a day's drive closer in distance. Emotionally, he could still be as close or as far away as he was in the past. That's up to her. He's not responsible for her feelings. She is.

 

Its a good point, but it leaves out LSD's intent for moving here in the first place.

 

Go back and look at the beginning of this thread...see how he's gone on about the nest-building and hoping that she'll like what he's doing, how his goal the entire time as been to create a home FOR THE BOTH OF THEM.

 

His intent throughout all of this has been to establish himself in her life. To show up and resume the affair, and even hopefully win her for himself. So yes, he IS responsible for making her feel uncomfortable/angry/etc... for his choice to unilaterally pursue this relationship.

 

The only change throughout all of this has been LSD's loss of initiative..."cold feet" if you will (don't mean that as harsh, but couldn't think of a better way to phrase it). Now that he's faced with the finality and reality of the decision, he's had second thoughts, and is working through what he really should do here.

[Trimmer]

Say LsD makes no overt moves. Say MW becomes aware of his presence. He continues to operate his business, has a social life, contributes to the community, etc. He's not pressing her in any way for contact, commitment, divorce, etc. He's just there.

 

Its a good point, but it leaves out LSD's intent for moving here in the first place.

 

Can anyone disagree that her comfort level will benefit greatly from his keeping his intentions, motivations, and hopes hidden? He's even doing that from himself:

 

I am as completely "prepared" as possible for the possibility that things don't work out. It won't even be a "huge" letdown if it happens.

Really? Really?

 

The only thing I can think to add comes from your original post:

I'm fully comitted now to the quest to win my MW....

 

Boy is she gonna be pissed for awhile.

[Lookingforward]

Hmmm....that says it all

 

Originally Posted by LakesideDream

I'm fully comitted now to the quest to win my MW....

 

Boy is she gonna be pissed for awhile.

[LakesideDream]

Say LsD makes no overt moves. Say MW becomes aware of his presence. He continues to operate his business, has a social life, contributes to the community, etc. He's not pressing her in any way for contact, commitment, divorce, etc. He's just there.

 

In this scenario (I'm not say that is what he is planning), the MW can continue to make decisions for her own life, just with LsD a day's drive closer in distance. Emotionally, he could still be as close or as far away as he was in the past. That's up to her. He's not responsible for her feelings. She is.

 

 

The post that never dies! I was off negotiating lease space today.. zap a million posts. Thanks to all. I have spent some time today, reflecting on the thoughts here on the post about what's going on in my life. I haven't made any decisions but I do have more insite on the situation.

 

It seems like Carhill has come closest to the present reality (not suprising, he's a male) however there are some other dynamic's at work. As to my lack of "activity" ie, announcing my "arrival" to my sweetie, it's not just a matter of fear of rejection. It's also wanting to present myself in the best possible light.

 

Originally I didn't give any thought to "employment". Since beginning the move, the lady and I had a discussion about "employment" as she commented how "lucky" she felt having a "job" with good income in the current economic downturn. I have a fairly non traditional source of income. For the past ten years I have worked at home. While the actual income I enjoyed was substantial, it wasn't conventional and it became obvious to me that she was skeptical of it's durability. Frankly that's always "miffed" me. This last decision to open a brick and mortar business will address that. I hadn't given it any "rational" thought.. I just put the two together this morning! I'm sure I mentioned somewhere in this littany that her "H" hasn't held a steady job in 5 years.. I can see how she would be "sensitive" about the subject.

 

Plus... my original goal in making this move was to break the long term stalemate. Carhill is right. She was just to comfortable in large part because of the 12 hours it took to drive the distance between us. My belief at the time (six months ago) was that my chance of moving from long distance "occasional" lover to something much more substantial would increase if I was close. I still believe this.

 

One thing my lack of courage (not confronting the situation) has disclosed is that I can be happy here with or without her. I actually think about the romantic (or lack of) situation less than I did a year ago. I have been VERY busy. Much busier than I dreamed. Moving a whole household, by myself, with only help I have hired was a much larger task than I had ever considered it could be. Heck, I probably moved 25 boxes of "kids stuff" that I have saved for them it's overwhelming, but I'm getting it. When my marriage broke up my ex left with the stuff (everything valuable) she wanted leaving a 25 year household of junk behind. I'm just now dealing with all that crap. 80+ % of the boxes I open are going to the thrift shop or the dumpster. I should have been more organized, however time was a problem.

 

This whole "non disclosure" situation will come to an end soon. My profile in this town is going to be so high in a month that there will be no chance of being under the radar accidentially or on purpose.

 

In any case. I don't think that she would have dreamed that I would, or even could have done all this on my own, by myself. She will certainly be suprised, and I'm sure a little amused that I pulled it off. Whether she will be able to resist my obvious charm and good intentions is up for grabs. I no longer believe she will be angry at all after the initial suprise wears off.

 

If she wants a buddy she's got it. Wants more... got that too. Wants nothing? Also fine, my ability to do that has been proven in the last 4 months. The added plus is that if I receive a negetive response initially, it's not the end. With only a few miles seperating us, things could change anytime.

 

Some here at LS won't believe I'm sincere writing this.... that's to bad, because I am very much "at peace". More so than any time since my divorce.

[Nevermind]

I believe you are calm. I also believe you are in denial.

 

I no longer believe she will be angry at all after the initial suprise wears off.

You lied. You moved to her city. You apparently have no plans of announcing it to her. You think your high profile will lead to discovery.

 

It probably will. But it won't be good.

 

Let's see her side (without getting into the morality of the affair per se). For all you know, she just wanted an LDR affair. You took away the LD. For all you know she was very comfortable not being close to you.

 

Even if she reacts positive, you still made lots of decisions for her that cannot be changed. You two cannot decide to start afresh in a new city. Because you bought a house. You two cannot just have the affair in the city, because she will be afraid of being seen. Depending on the type of job she helds, she might even be afraid that the affair will endanger it.

 

The chances that she gets very angry and possibly ends it with you are not low. Please, consider this.

 

By dumping I mean: completely. Maybe she won't continue the affair and won't want to be your buddy. Maybe all she wanted was an emotional backup far, far away. You have been doing fine on your own. But you had a goal. Being alone in this city because she dumped you would be a different story.

 

I really don't mean to hurt you, and some part of me finds it very romantic. But you're changing so much about yourself and the nature of your relationship and expect her to just be happy about it. That's very dangerous, and not healthy.

[noforgiveness]

Does her husband have any inkling of your "friendship"? Does he know of you? Is the **** going to hit the fan when you become high profile?

[LakesideDream]

I believe you are calm. I also believe you are in denial.

 

You lied. You moved to her city. You apparently have no plans of announcing it to her. You think your high profile will lead to discovery.

 

It probably will. But it won't be good.

 

Let's see her side (without getting into the morality of the affair per se). For all you know, she just wanted an LDR affair. You took away the LD. For all you know she was very comfortable not being close to you.

 

Even if she reacts positive, you still made lots of decisions for her that cannot be changed. You two cannot decide to start afresh in a new city. Because you bought a house. You two cannot just have the affair in the city, because she will be afraid of being seen. Depending on the type of job she helds, she might even be afraid that the affair will endanger it.

 

The chances that she gets very angry and possibly ends it with you are not low. Please, consider this.

 

By dumping I mean: completely. Maybe she won't continue the affair and won't want to be your buddy. Maybe all she wanted was an emotional backup far, far away. You have been doing fine on your own. But you had a goal. Being alone in this city because she dumped you would be a different story.

 

I really don't mean to hurt you, and some part of me finds it very romantic. But you're changing so much about yourself and the nature of your relationship and expect her to just be happy about it. That's very dangerous, and not healthy.

 

 

I have considered what you wrote many times before you wrote it. And .. I believe you missed one of my points completely. "Being Alone in this City because she dumps me" is not possible!! I have already made many friends. I am far from "alone" right now. Thus far I have avoided making romantic friends, that has been my choice.

 

One of the main points in my latest post was that this has been a great move. This town and I are a great fit, regardless of any former relationship.

 

There is no denial there. In fact there is no denial anywhere. If there is no close relationship with this gal in the future, her life won't be disturbed any more than it was for the last 4+ months. Affair or not her job would not be threatened. I'm not a baby who would throw tantrums. Life would just go on. My life has been much nicer since I arrived here. Happier, more comfortable. It's a good place for me.

 

Maybe if I was a young, impatient, self centered, whiney, 25 year old your comments would have merit. I'm not. Geezers like me seldom enter into things making a mess as we go. There is great value in avoiding conflict.

[LakesideDream]

Does her husband have any inkling of your "friendship"? Does he know of you? Is the **** going to hit the fan when you become high profile?

 

 

No, he knew of an affair, not the specific's. He wouldn't recognise me walking down the street, wouldn't recognise my name (it's a common name).

 

Nothing will "hit the fan". just from being here.. being in business.

[Owl]

If there is no close relationship with this gal in the future, her life won't be disturbed any more than it was for the last 4+ months.

 

This isn't absolutely true.

 

KNOWING that you're in the area will change how she feels on the subject. Just being aware of your presence in the same city can and most likely will disturb her in some fashion. And if you're "high profile" and in the news and such...it'll KEEP on disturbing her.

 

If her H knows about the original affair (don't recall, sorry) and he finds out you're in the area...same deal.

 

She very well may not be able to go back to a status quo...even if she opts to break things off with you completely...knowing that you're in the same city as she is. I think you're disregarding the emotional impact this information is likely to have on her.

 

If my wife's former OM suddenly moved to OUR area, it certainly would cause some level of discomfort/strife/anxiety/impact once we found out about it.

[LakesideDream]

This isn't absolutely true.

 

KNOWING that you're in the area will change how she feels on the subject. Just being aware of your presence in the same city can and most likely will disturb her in some fashion. And if you're "high profile" and in the news and such...it'll KEEP on disturbing her.

 

If her H knows about the original affair (don't recall, sorry) and he finds out you're in the area...same deal.

 

She very well may not be able to go back to a status quo...even if she opts to break things off with you completely...knowing that you're in the same city as she is. I think you're disregarding the emotional impact this information is likely to have on her.

 

If my wife's former OM suddenly moved to OUR area, it certainly would cause some level of discomfort/strife/anxiety/impact once we found out about it.

 

 

Owl, I'll buy everything you wrote. So what? She couldn't expect the status quo to continue forever. I have always been a dynamic person, a risk taker, and a leader. She knows that. She was always aware that sooner or later, when I thought that the time was right I would do something to change the stalemated situation.

 

She will be suprised I moved when I did. She won't be suprised that I decided to act unilaterally.

 

Besides.. it's moot. If I knew two years ago what I know now.. about the area, I would have found a way to move then.

[Art_Critic]

KNOWING that you're in the area will change how she feels on the subject. Just being aware of your presence in the same city can and most likely will disturb her in some fashion. And if you're "high profile" and in the news and such...it'll KEEP on disturbing her.

 

OWL.. While some of this may be true.. A person doesn't own a city to live in..

She cannot claim that she lives there and he cannot move there.. how nuts..

 

The city is big enough for both of them..it isn't like he moved next door

[Owl]

She was always aware that sooner or later, when I thought that the time was right I would do something to change the stalemated situation.

 

I'm not sure that this may be how she saw it. Its entirely possible/probable that the status quo was where she saw this relationship staying at forever. Its likely she was comfortable with where it was at...and this change is NOT what she expected or wanted.

 

Your lack of care as to whether or not she'd be hurt/distressed by your choice to escalate this situation also makes me curious. If this was "love"...wouldn't you have a greater concern over the possible impacts to her from all of this?

 

I'm not troubleshooting you, LSD. I'm just raising flags where I see them, and your response has been rather surprising to me.

 

OWL.. While some of this may be true.. A person doesn't own a city to live in..

She cannot claim that she lives there and he cannot move there.. how nuts..

 

The city is big enough for both of them..it isn't like he moved next door

 

You're totally right, there's nothing she can DO about it.

 

That does NOT mean she's going to like it. Or accept it gracefully. While she doesn't own the city, she DOES own her 'half' of the relationship that she's shared with LSD...and THAT is what she may see as violated in his unilateral choice to attempt to escalate the situation.

 

See the difference?

[carhill]

I'll repeat again: The MW and her H are in charge of their feelings. LsD is not in charge of nor responsible for their feelings. He can only control himself and his actions. They will assign feelings and perspective to his actions. He can't control that. Their M doesn't own his world. That's disingenuous. If MM wants to die in her H's arms, she'll do that. If H wants her gone because of LsD, he'll act. LsD is who he is, is honest about his feelings and perspective and is pretty d@mn respectful of the world around him, with good reason (his life experiences). Interesting how being a 'geezer' affects one's perspective

 

He's created a win-win situation for himself and I envy that. There is a time in life when one sees their mortality and strikes a new balance between the needs of the many and the needs of the one. It's how one does that which defines them.

 

LsD has created opportunity. Opportunity for himself to "start over'. Opportunity for a new relationship with someone (not necessarily MW). Opportunity for MW to act on feelings she might have for him. She and her H have plenty of opportunity, and have, throughout their M. What they have done/do with that is their business, not LsD's, regardless of how their decisions impact his feelings.

 

If things don't go his way, he'll be disappointed; I'm sure of it. I've walked that path. He'll recover; life will go on. The cool water on a hot day will still be luxuriant; the parade of tanned young ladies will still titillate. Silver linings abound

[Owl]

Carhill, we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

Everyone is responsible for how their actions impact those around them...ESPECIALLY those people that you claim to love or care for.

[Trimmer]

Your lack of care as to whether or not she'd be hurt/distressed by your choice to escalate this situation also makes me curious. If this was "love"...wouldn't you have a greater concern over the possible impacts to her from all of this?

Yes - irrespective of all the "how's she going to feel" discussion, aren't you going to have to eventually decide how you feel about her? You've gone from being fully "committed... to the quest to win my MW" to changing your life, purchasing and preparing a home for the two of you, starting a brick and mortar business to enhance your appearance, to now saying that all of these things stand alone and if she rejects you it's really no big deal?

 

Has this turned out to be a time of growth and reflection, and your feelings for her have really changed that much (and maybe that's a good thing if they have...) or are you being a bit disingenuous here?

[carhill]

Everyone is responsible for how their actions impact those around them...ESPECIALLY those people that you claim to love or care for.

 

My wife would disagree with you, and did, just yesterday, in MC. That's my perspective. See how that works

 

Oh, and the MC agreed with her. I'm responsible for the feelings I assign to her actions.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Wishing you best of luck for the future Lakeside

[LakesideDream]

Yes - irrespective of all the "how's she going to feel" discussion, aren't you going to have to eventually decide how you feel about her? You've gone from being fully "committed... to the quest to win my MW" to changing your life, purchasing and preparing a home for the two of you, starting a brick and mortar business to enhance your appearance, to now saying that all of these things stand alone and if she rejects you it's really no big deal?

 

Has this turned out to be a time of growth and reflection, and your feelings for her have really changed that much (and maybe that's a good thing if they have...) or are you being a bit disingenuous here?

 

 

You missed my words from the previous (yesterday) post. I am starting the business because it's the correct move financially, taking it out of my home, into the public. The increased visibility and attendant appearance of security. is a side benifit. The decision to do it was made to enhance my fanancial position.

 

I know how I feel about "her". And frankly, those feelings haven't affected my decisions in the last 4 months. They are what the are, and what they have always been. And will continue to be, together or not.

 

Again, I really like it here... it's full of people around my age, and a very friendly place! I am very happy I moved.. relationships aside!

[Trimmer]

I fully acknowledge all you've said about your move and all the changes in your life making good sense irrespective of the outcome with MW. And separate

 

And I know I'm poking at you here, but you've got to admit that you kind of set yourself up for it, sharing this magnificent quest for a married woman with all of us, and I can't imagine you would have done that if you didn't welcome some devil's advocacy, right?

 

So maybe I missed a few pages in the middle of the thread here, but do you no longer consider yourself "committed to the quest" to win her? Is it pretty much que sera, sera, now? Take it or leave it?

 

So what will it be, passive or active behavior from here on out? A mighty quest, taking all comers, or a lazy drift down the stream of life, enjoying the scenery along the banks as you go?

[Tomcat33]

My wife would disagree with you, and did, just yesterday, in MC. That's my perspective. See how that works

 

Oh, and the MC agreed with her. I'm responsible for the feelings I assign to her actions.

 

 

It's no surprise the therapist agreed with your W on this one. I too am of the idea that we are responsible for how we manage the feelings we get from other's actions.

 

It is an esoteric way of looking at things but to me it makes the most sense.

 

I'll repeat again: The MW and her H are in charge of their feelings. LsD is not in charge of nor responsible for their feelings. He can only control himself and his actions. They will assign feelings and perspective to his actions. He can't control that. Their M doesn't own his world. That's disingenuous. If MM wants to die in her H's arms, she'll do that. If H wants her gone because of LsD, he'll act. LsD is who he is, is honest about his feelings and perspective and is pretty d@mn respectful of the world around him, with good reason (his life experiences). Interesting how being a 'geezer' affects one's perspective

 

I agree with this 100%

[carhill]

Just for the record, I agreed as well. The issue being worked was my wife blaming me for how she feels. The MC is working towards acceptance and respective owning of feelings. It's good work

[OpenBook]

So what will it be, passive or active behavior from here on out? A mighty quest, taking all comers, or a lazy drift down the stream of life, enjoying the scenery along the banks as you go?

 

Lakeside, if I were you I would choose Door #2. :bunny:

[Tomcat33]

Just for the record, I agreed as well. The issue being worked was my wife blaming me for how she feels. The MC is working towards acceptance and respective owning of feelings. It's good work

 

 

I knew that before you posted it.

 

EDIT:

 

Sorry that sounded kind of arrogant, I meant to say I could envision the type of work you must have been doing in order to end in that conclusion.

[carhill]

No worries. We all walk the path in our own time. My iteration of some aspects of LsD's situation occurred prior, so hopefully I can add some experience to his body of knowledge and received opinion