carhill Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Hey, LsD, best wishes with the new business. Helluva time to launch one. You can sure pick 'em Thanks for the update. We'll hold you to a week Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 I agree with A_C completely. Sure it'll suck if she isn't interested in pursuing anything with you, but atleast you have a new life started already. Link to post Share on other sites
openingup Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Lakeside, I wish you all the luck in the world with this endeavor and hope it makes all your efforts and life changes worthwhile. There are those of us who love a love story, and you sound like a true romantic. (Albeit a grounded one.) Say what you need to say and let's hope she sees what so many here see: someone who has loved her and waited many years for the chance to be happy with her. Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Wow - I also hope this works for you! I guess I am a romantic by heart. Sometimes I wish my MM would do this for me . . . But I never see that happening in my future. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Just a thought - voiced a very similar one around the 4th of July. Please don't walk up to her and just say Hi. You will have no way of knowing who she is with, or who is watching her, or what she could be on the way to doing. (Well, I assume you wouldn't, bc I am assuming that you aren't stalking her!) Please call her, first. How about go sit in a quiet little outdoor cafe in a private corner, and call her from there, and tell her that you are there in town. If she wants to come see you, you are available; if she is stunned and needs some time to get over this, then she has privacy and a chance to think and analyze. I would HATE to think that she tells you in an email that she has a doctors appt on Tuesday at 2:00, and that she always goes to get ice cream afterwards at Cold Stone, and that you sit there waiting for her - and she drives up with her husband. That would be so bad for everyone involved. Please don't spring this on her as a surprise in public. Link to post Share on other sites
Dominique Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 This all sounds really very odd. It is taking too long. And of course she knows he's there. Something is off. I too am a romantic and I believe in love and risks for love, but something is off here... DOM Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 This all sounds really very odd. It is taking too long. And of course she knows he's there. Something is off. I too am a romantic and I believe in love and risks for love, but something is off here... DOM 'Off' could mean different things to different people. Is it the fact that he has been there a while that throws you? I think some of us would have expected a meeting within the first month while others would expect him to be firmly ground in his business and community first. With Lakey having mentioned that security is a big deal to this woman I can see why he is waiting for the right moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Dominique Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 'Off' could mean different things to different people. Is it the fact that he has been there a while that throws you? I think some of us would have expected a meeting within the first month while others would expect him to be firmly ground in his business and community first. With Lakey having mentioned that security is a big deal to this woman I can see why he is waiting for the right moment. Security is a big deal to all women. No woman wishes to feel threatened or insecure. That he is in such a small town, making a "big splash" with his business evidently and that friends or relatives of hers know the news...are all for me enough of a presence that would alert her, directly or indirectly, that he is there. And I agree with the other posters who have said that it isn't likely that the friends haven't told her or someone close to her. It is a small town and gossip travels like wild fire. And yes the fact that this is going on and on and on...I believe he is stalling out of uncertainty. Were I the lady in question, I would feel slighly creeped out that he did so much to establish himself and then contact me--all of it assuming not only that I am ready-and-waiting for him but putting the stress on me to oblige him for all the work and preparaton and stress he has gone through to be with me. What if my, that is, the lady of his affections, have developed cooler feelings toward him? Having said all this, I am, again, a romantic and I do believe in grand gestures of love--every life should have them, folly included. This, however, is losing its freshness. He needs to get on with it and to approach her with foresight and style. Not surprises, like another poster said. DOM Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Well, her "security" at having this remain a LDR is about to be well and truly shattered. It's no wonder lake is having last minute cold feet and jitters, but he knows her better than we do, so presumably is fairly confident of a positive reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I say you outta walk up to her house, while her H is there as well...what the heck...why not get your intentions out in the open for EVERYONE at one shot? Link to post Share on other sites
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Hey Lakeside thanks for posting the update, I cant tell you the amount of times I have wondered how you are getting on! Good that you have decided to tell her & not rely on bumping into her on the offchance as that may never happen - after all the town is bigger & more anonymous than you first thought. Wishing you all the best & hope it goes very well when you feel the time is right to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 I say you outta walk up to her house, while her H is there as well...what the heck...why not get your intentions out in the open for EVERYONE at one shot? I believe you actually mean that. One shot, how descriptive. Remember I was a BS too. I absolutely would not have wanted my WS's BF walking up to my door to "get his intentions out in the open". When I found out that my WS didn't want me anymore, I didn't want her. I had no problems with "him" whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I believe you actually mean that. One shot, how descriptive. Remember I was a BS too. I absolutely would not have wanted my WS's BF walking up to my door to "get his intentions out in the open". When I found out that my WS didn't want me anymore, I didn't want her. I had no problems with "him" whatsoever. I actually do mean it, LS. You wouldn't have WANTED OM to show up at your door like this...but in the end, it sure would have gotten things out in the open sooner, and opened your eyes that much sooner, woudn't it? It would have given you the full information you needed...up front...to decide what you wanted to do. Not every BS decides that they "don't want their spouse" when they learn about the affair...in fact, most don't. Consider that in your dealings with this guy. He might fight to save his marriage...or he might say "you can have her". Either way...it puts an end to the whole sneaking around, hiding in the bushes scenario. It gives all three of you even footing to make a decision. It might not be nice...but it IS fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Remember I was a BS too. I absolutely would not have wanted my WS's BF walking up to my door to "get his intentions out in the open". You would have preferred that he had secretly moved to your town and set up a new life for himself, quietly getting all his ducks in a row, in the hope that once your wife was aware that he was there, she would leave you for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 You would have preferred that he had secretly moved to your town and set up a new life for himself, quietly getting all his ducks in a row, in the hope that once your wife was aware that he was there, she would leave you for him? ROFLMBO!! This made me laugh out loud for real. Great point, Trimmer! Ya can't throw your FBS (former betrayed spouse) hat on while still wearing the OM one, LS. They just don't fit together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 You would have preferred that he had secretly moved to your town and set up a new life for himself, quietly getting all his ducks in a row, in the hope that once your wife was aware that he was there, she would leave you for him? Funny you mention that... That's just about what he did. The difference was they planned it together as they had been seeing each other for 22 odd years at that point, and she was aware he was there immediately. They both had their ducks in a row, actually in my ex wifes case I was more of a dupe, than a duck. It all worked out just fine too. As soon as I found out about her activities, I said OK, you want him (the OM) you got him. How soon can you move? Then I went down and bought the paperwork for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Funny you mention that... That's just about what he did. The difference was they planned it together as they had been seeing each other for 22 odd years at that point, and she was aware he was there immediately. They both had their ducks in a row, actually in my ex wifes case I was more of a dupe, than a duck. It all worked out just fine too. As soon as I found out about her activities, I said OK, you want him (the OM) you got him. How soon can you move? Then I went down and bought the paperwork for divorce. That was your response...but its not the most common response. As you've seen here on LS, a great many BS's don't give up immediately. They decide to try to work through things. Odds are that her husband will likely fall into that category (of course, he may not too...no way to tell until it happens). I think that getting it out in the open is the best thing possible...for all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Funny you mention that... That's just about what he did. The difference was they planned it together as they had been seeing each other for 22 odd years at that point, and she was aware he was there immediately. They both had their ducks in a row, actually in my ex wifes case I was more of a dupe, than a duck. It all worked out just fine too. As soon as I found out about her activities, I said OK, you want him (the OM) you got him. How soon can you move? Then I went down and bought the paperwork for divorce. Well then doesn't that support the idea of getting it out in the open, sooner rather than later? The word "dupe" has the same root as "duplicity." Why wait so long, and allow everyone to continue being "duped" as you were in your marriage? The longer you have waited, the longer your MW's duplicity towards her husband has continued, the longer her "friends'" apparent duplicity towards her has continued, and the longer your duplicity towards her had continued. Everyone is being duped and being duplicitous here. In your own marriage, the thing that ultimately resolved the stagnant, duplicitous situation was the truth being known, so everyone could make their decisions for themselves and move on. Sound familiar? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 Well then doesn't that support the idea of getting it out in the open, sooner rather than later? The word "dupe" has the same root as "duplicity." Why wait so long, and allow everyone to continue being "duped" as you were in your marriage? The longer you have waited, the longer your MW's duplicity towards her husband has continued, the longer her "friends'" apparent duplicity towards her has continued, and the longer your duplicity towards her had continued. Everyone is being duped and being duplicitous here. In your own marriage, the thing that ultimately resolved the stagnant, duplicitous situation was the truth being known, so everyone could make their decisions for themselves and move on. Sound familiar? Actually trimmer, you are not correct. The word dupe is a Noun, it is a circus or sideshow performer who bites the heads of living creatures for entertainment. Duplicitous situations or behavior were not a factor. My personal belief is that it's best to let folks handle their own business. I'll handle mine, she can handle hers however she chooses, it's not my place (at age 58) to be a part of those decisions. We are all big people who sit at the big person table. We can make our own decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Actually trimmer, you are not correct. The word dupe is a Noun, it is a circus or sideshow performer who bites the heads of living creatures for entertainment. WHAT?!?!?! I believe you are mistaking 'dupe' for 'geek'. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 So how's the first Monday after the grand opening goin'? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Yeah, I think you've got your words crossed, LD. Geek is the sideshow performer. Dupe as a noun either means someone who's been fooled, or a duplicate copy. I tried 3 online dictionarys...couldn't find dupe as a meaning as you referred to it. http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/dupe However...your use of it in the context that you were duped by your wife having an affair was accurate, and made sense. The idea here would be that you wouldn't be party to "duping" someone else in the exact same fashion that YOU were duped and betrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Actually trimmer, you are not correct. The word dupe is a Noun, it is a circus or sideshow performer who bites the heads of living creatures for entertainment. Duplicitous situations or behavior were not a factor. My personal belief is that it's best to let folks handle their own business. I'll handle mine, she can handle hers however she chooses, it's not my place (at age 58) to be a part of those decisions. Let's say I grant that the noun form "dupe" comes from the french noun dupe (a stupid bird) and that "duplicity" derives from the Latin duplicitas and duplex. Let's say I was wrong about that. Does that change the fact that you are duping your OW, her friends are duping her, and she is duping her husband? And that it was only once the truth was known in your own marriage that you discovered the pain of being surreptitiously duped - of being played as the dupe, if you prefer the noun form - and found a way to move forward from it and heal? We are all big people who sit at the big person table. We can make our own decisions. Sorry, but the whole moving to her town to surprise her, I know she's gonna be pissed, her close friends know but aren't telling her... It all sounds a little like what goes on at the kids table in the kitchen. This would all be a non-issue to me if she weren't married, or had already made the "big-person" decision for herself to leave her marriage. Your whole point in starting this exercise was to force a decision, to create some motivation. Now you're saying that you're letting her handle her own business? Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 So how's the first Monday after the grand opening goin'? It seems no one wants to get off the other topic. Nice try, though. I'm still hopeful.... Link to post Share on other sites
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