Bought a new Home today The Adventure Begins!

[Owl]

Perhaps people are more interested in avoiding the train wreck than to sit there and comment on the pretty color of the car sitting on the tracks?

[LakesideDream]

Let's say I grant that the noun form "dupe" comes from the french noun dupe (a stupid bird) and that "duplicity" derives from the Latin duplicitas and duplex. Let's say I was wrong about that.

 

Does that change the fact that you are duping your OW, her friends are duping her, and she is duping her husband?

 

And that it was only once the truth was known in your own marriage that you discovered the pain of being surreptitiously duped - of being played as the dupe, if you prefer the noun form - and found a way to move forward from it and heal?

 

 

Sorry, but the whole moving to her town to surprise her, I know she's gonna be pissed, her close friends know but aren't telling her... It all sounds a little like what goes on at the kids table in the kitchen.

 

This would all be a non-issue to me if she weren't married, or had already made the "big-person" decision for herself to leave her marriage. Your whole point in starting this exercise was to force a decision, to create some motivation. Now you're saying that you're letting her handle her own business?

 

 

Carhill, and Angel. Opening went much better than I imagined it would. Brought lots of business, which means lots of future profit.

 

This business is economy independant, in fact, it is a bit better when the economy is slow or bad.

 

And all others.... in the 70's I joined the International Guild of Dupes and Geeks and got a certificate.. I think it was $9.99 it was just for fun.

[81West]

I think LS understands his own situation quite well.

 

There is genuine and long standing affection between the two of them and given that, I can hardly imagine her being 'pissed' at him for moving to the same town that 50,000+ other people live in.

 

Him doing so much to establish himself locally takes pressure off her. He's grown his own roots and sown his own seeds irrespective of what decisions she might make in the future. There's nothing but positive there.

[Owl]

I think LS understands his own situation quite well.

 

There is genuine and long standing affection between the two of them and given that, I can hardly imagine her being 'pissed' at him for moving to the same town that 50,000+ other people live in.

 

Him doing so much to establish himself locally takes pressure off her. He's grown his own roots and sown his own seeds irrespective of what decisions she might make in the future. There's nothing but positive there.

 

Yep...and I'm sure that her betrayed husband...the same position LSD was in...the same position he resented his wife and OM for the longest time for putting him into... Yep, I'm sure that he'll agree that this is all positive too.

 

But...let's play "what if"..."what if" she DOES take offense at the fact that he unilaterally decided to put her into this situation? That he just "showed up"...already deeply established in the community...when she had no intention of taking this further? "What if" she's deeply angry and offended by his arrogant presumption that she'd just swoon off to be with thim? Or that she'd want to resume the physical affair that the two of them shared...from YEARS ago?

 

I don't agree that she's not going to be upset...on the contrary...from what all I've seen here on LS and other places, the WS loves having that CONTROL...that POWER to direct things the way that THEY want them. LSD is taking that power away...normally, I'd say that this is a good thing.

 

But he's not doing so in a POSITIVE direction...instead, he's doing so to resume an affair. Or potentially destroy her marriage and devestate her husband in the exact same fashion that LSD was devestated in.

[81West]

Yep...and I'm sure that her betrayed husband...the same position LSD was in...the same position he resented his wife and OM for the longest time for putting him into... Yep, I'm sure that he'll agree that this is all positive too.

 

But...let's play "what if"..."what if" she DOES take offense at the fact that he unilaterally decided to put her into this situation? That he just "showed up"...already deeply established in the community...when she had no intention of taking this further? "What if" she's deeply angry and offended by his arrogant presumption that she'd just swoon off to be with thim? Or that she'd want to resume the physical affair that the two of them shared...from YEARS ago?

 

I don't agree that she's not going to be upset...on the contrary...from what all I've seen here on LS and other places, the WS loves having that CONTROL...that POWER to direct things the way that THEY want them. LSD is taking that power away...normally, I'd say that this is a good thing.

 

But he's not doing so in a POSITIVE direction...instead, he's doing so to resume an affair. Or potentially destroy her marriage and devestate her husband in the exact same fashion that LSD was devestated in.

 

I characterize LS actions as positive in the sense that if his 'mission' does not succeed (and my sense is that there is lots of room for that mission to evolve) then he's begun a solid new life for himself that does not depend on the decisions and perceptions of his friend.

 

If she is put off by his intentions for any reason, that's LS's disappointment to bear. He would have to abide by whatever her wishes were with regard to comminicating with her, and beyond that he has every right to live and work wherever he pleases.

 

Of course the husband deserves our empathy here, perhaps even the indignation we see here on his behalf. However, it's become my belief that people pretty much have the marriages and relationships they've earned. If the husband's is as vulnerable as LS seems to think it is, that's not simply a product of LS showing up in Dodge.

 

LS intends all this I think as a grand romantic gesture. Like it or not, it is romantic, and it's taken some daring and some courage. I think that's why some hope for a happy ending for LS here. The reality is that most of us have lived some version of all this on one side or the other, and the happy endings for those in affairs are few. That's the reality, so the best thing we can do for a guy who doesn't want to be talked out of it is to be here for him no matter the result.

[Trimmer]

Well, it's been an interesting thread, as we're discussing two different questions: (1) given that she has not chosen to leave her marriage, should he be pursuing her at all, and (2) what will her reaction be once he reveals himself?

 

As with many issues on here, the former can be discussed and dissected until the cows come home, and we'll still be arguing it.

 

As to the latter, at least the answer to that will be revealed eventually, if LD is willing to share it with us.

 

LD - I do wish you the best success in your business and your life. It will be interesting to see what form that success takes, but that's what life is all about, isn't it?

[LakesideDream]

I characterize LS actions as positive in the sense that if his 'mission' does not succeed (and my sense is that there is lots of room for that mission to evolve) then he's begun a solid new life for himself that does not depend on the decisions and perceptions of his friend.

 

If she is put off by his intentions for any reason, that's LS's disappointment to bear. He would have to abide by whatever her wishes were with regard to comminicating with her, and beyond that he has every right to live and work wherever he pleases.

 

Of course the husband deserves our empathy here, perhaps even the indignation we see here on his behalf. However, it's become my belief that people pretty much have the marriages and relationships they've earned. If the husband's is as vulnerable as LS seems to think it is, that's not simply a product of LS showing up in Dodge.

 

LS intends all this I think as a grand romantic gesture. Like it or not, it is romantic, and it's taken some daring and some courage. I think that's why some hope for a happy ending for LS here. The reality is that most of us have lived some version of all this on one side or the other, and the happy endings for those in affairs are few. That's the reality, so the best thing we can do for a guy who doesn't want to be talked out of it is to be here for him no matter the result.

 

 

81West, Your post pretty much sums the situation up, at least in outline.

 

An unintended consequesnse of the move, or maybe it's a product of evolution, is that I have become much more comfortable with the living conditions, and community that I imagined that I would. In my wildest dreams I had no idea that I would enjoy living here as much as I have.

 

What happens with the lady has become a completely seperate situation. I can be very happy here regardless of the long, or short term outcome of the "affair". I have no need to be pushy, or have my "needs met". I can just be relaxed and wait for what happens.

[OWoman]

I characterize LS actions as positive in the sense that if his 'mission' does not succeed (and my sense is that there is lots of room for that mission to evolve) then he's begun a solid new life for himself that does not depend on the decisions and perceptions of his friend.

 

If she is put off by his intentions for any reason, that's LS's disappointment to bear. He would have to abide by whatever her wishes were with regard to comminicating with her, and beyond that he has every right to live and work wherever he pleases.

 

Of course the husband deserves our empathy here, perhaps even the indignation we see here on his behalf. However, it's become my belief that people pretty much have the marriages and relationships they've earned. If the husband's is as vulnerable as LS seems to think it is, that's not simply a product of LS showing up in Dodge.

 

LS intends all this I think as a grand romantic gesture. Like it or not, it is romantic, and it's taken some daring and some courage. I think that's why some hope for a happy ending for LS here. The reality is that most of us have lived some version of all this on one side or the other, and the happy endings for those in affairs are few. That's the reality, so the best thing we can do for a guy who doesn't want to be talked out of it is to be here for him no matter the result.

 

hear, hear!

 

Good luck LsD - we're rooting for you!

[Kindle]

An update please

[LakesideDream]

An update please

 

Hopefully I will have major revelations friday night... my fingers are crossed.

[Trimmer]

I'm practically peein' my pants here...

[White Flower]

I AM holding my breath, Lakey. Tell us!

[Touche]

I've said it once and I'll say it again...no fool like an old fool!

[LakesideDream]

Truely the deed is done. And I instantly realized I should have done it much earlier.

 

We met and talked for a half hour or more. No it wasn't

google eyed hunka hunka burning love instantly. There wasn't even much "catching up" as there has been enough contact for that. What there was, was serious conversation.

 

Obviously what I have done by moving was presumptious. She wasn't angry, more like peeved. There was no future talk. No past talk. I caught her up on my new home, new business, community activities, and of course the reasons for my moving. She didn't critisize me for moving, or for not contacting her earlier. In fact she didn't say anything negetive.

 

There was no talk of Husbands, of Affairs, or Dates. Obviously she has a lot of thinking to do. Just as obviously we have much in common. Obviously we both understand that it's probably not possible to be "friends". It's an "all in" or "fold" situation.

 

Equally obvious, there is no reason for me to push, make demands, have "needs met", start fires, or make rash decisions that can have far reaching consequences.

 

Now it's a wait and see for me. She knows I'm here, and established. She has always known I love her. I couldn't read her mind so I can only hope she feels the same.

 

I've been patient so far, I have the rest of my life to find out what happens next.... and I have reason to be very hopeful.

 

Oh.. and it was hard for me to catch my breath for the next eight hours for long enough to post this.

 

Wish me luck if you are so inclined.

[Touche]

No offense, but wish you luck with what?

 

I mean really.

 

This is the saddest of all:

 

I've been patient so far, I have the rest of my life to find out what happens next.... and I have reason to be very hopeful.

 

That's just sad...wow. Not to beat a dead horse but again...no fool like an old fool.

 

Get real.

 

She's clearly not interested. Why don't you get that? Nothing about what she's said here(above) or ever tells me that she's going to choose you over her husband.

 

This is just sad. Why give up "the rest of your life" as you put it?

[LakesideDream]

No offense, but wish you luck with what?

 

I mean really.

 

This is the saddest of all:

 

 

 

That's just sad...wow. Not to beat a dead horse but again...no fool like an old fool.

 

Get real.

 

She's clearly not interested. Why don't you get that? Nothing about what she's said here(above) or ever tells me that she's going to choose you over her husband.

 

This is just sad. Why give up "the rest of your life" as you put it?

 

 

Touche, I like your spunk. IMO, if she wasn't "interested" she would have said so. She didn't say anything remotely resembeling a lack of interest.

 

I have had my share of bitterness. And anger, and resentment. I know what it is like to give and receive it. It wasn't there. What was there felt to me like beginning to face a difficult situation, for both of us.

 

Turning someones life upside down, or having your life turned upside down at our "mature" stage of life is not something to be taken lightly. It's serious stuff. I'm afraid. I'm sure she's Afraid too.

 

I truely wish you well Touche. You have the right to your opinion. We all see through different eyes, hear through different ears. We all want to be happy. I hope you are happy, or will be soon.

 

I have a glimmer of happiness and a reason for hope, that's enough for this grey tiger.

[Touche]

Touche, I like your spunk. IMO, if she wasn't "interested" she would have said so. She didn't say anything remotely resembeling a lack of interest.

 

That's not always the case, dear. It's just not. Some people just have no "chutzpah." She just may be also getting off on your attention.

 

I have had my share of bitterness. And anger, and resentment. I know what it is like to give and receive it. It wasn't there. What was there felt to me like beginning to face a difficult situation, for both of us.

 

This sounds like your own denial.

Turning someones life upside down, or having your life turned upside down at our "mature" stage of life is not something to be taken lightly. It's serious stuff. I'm afraid. I'm sure she's Afraid too.

 

Bull. She's not afraid. I mean yes, she is...she's afraid that you'll expose her to her H.

 

I truely wish you well Touche. You have the right to your opinion. We all see through different eyes, hear through different ears. We all want to be happy. I hope you are happy, or will be soon.

 

[I]I've never been happier, LD. I've sure made my share of mistakes though. Takes one old fool to know another, right?[/i]

I have a glimmer of happiness and a reason for hope, that's enough for this grey tiger.

 

I think you're making a huge mistake waiting for her.

 

Sounds like you've made a good life for yourself where you are though. Move on and forget her. She's clearly, clearly not interested.

 

Start over in all senses of the word, LD. Don't do to someone else what was done to you.

 

You have a chance to right a wrong now.

 

Do it.

[Dominique]

Mr. L,

 

Just quickly in Touche's defense, we can only go by your posts here and the "tone" of what you described was more neutral bordering on sterile bordering on melancholic than emanating that "glimmer of hope" you feel.

 

Obviously, your head is swimming right now and you have a life to live beyond LS. But perhaps when you have a moment, if you could give us an anecdote or two about what you interpreted to be the more positive signs by your lady friend that gave you this "glimmer" gut reaction.

 

Also, this kind of thread has kept many (all) in suspense so there is this sense of huge anticipation, and then to read a more or less vague, restrained post summing things up may cause some to "question" things. Again, you are not here to write out the great American novel per post, but...your fan base craves more! (joke)

 

It is up to you to decide what more to say or not to say. I just do believe fleshing out a bit more detail will give a better impression of where you think the hope here has found its foundation.

 

best regards,

 

DOM

[Angel1111]

Yippeeee!!!! You told her!!!! I'm so glad. I'll bet you're happy you've reached this milestone, LakeSide. What a relief it must be. Well, I think her reaction is more from shock than anything. She needs time to absorb these facts. I think she'll end up laughing about it all, about your total gustiness. Who could not be flattered by what you've done?

 

Best wishes and keep us posted as to how things are going.

[LakesideDream]

Mr. L,

 

Just quickly in Touche's defense, we can only go by your posts here and the "tone" of what you described was more neutral bordering on sterile bordering on melancholic than emanating that "glimmer of hope" you feel.

 

Obviously, your head is swimming right now and you have a life to live beyond LS. But perhaps when you have a moment, if you could give us an anecdote or two about what you interpreted to be the more positive signs by your lady friend that gave you this "glimmer" gut reaction.

 

Also, this kind of thread has kept many (all) in suspense so there is this sense of huge anticipation, and then to read a more or less vague, restrained post summing things up may cause some to "question" things. Again, you are not here to write out the great American novel per post, but...your fan base craves more! (joke)

 

It is up to you to decide what more to say or not to say. I just do believe fleshing out a bit more detail will give a better impression of where you think the hope here has found its foundation.

 

best regards,

 

DOM

 

 

I like Touche, and respect her opinion. In most cases we would agree I think. I'm emotionally invested for 40 years in this one... doesent make it right, it just is.

 

She wasn't angry with me. She wasn't combative, or sad. She was happy to see me. She smiled and joked. At least a little. Frankly I believed there was a great possibility I would have heard "go away". I didn't.

 

I'll sort this out in my mind a bit and post more soon.

[Touche]

Wow, unreal.

 

LD, thank you for the nod of respect you gave me. Believe it or not, I have the same respect for you. I feel like you're my peer.

 

As you know LS is mostly comprised of the 20 and 30's set. Not my peers. But you are.

 

LD, just because she didn't say "go away" doesn't mean she wants to leave her husband. You know that right?

 

Because trust me, if she just found out that you've been living in her town and started a life there and was waiting for her, she'd say more than she did.

 

Sure she didn't say "go away."

 

But she didn't say "LD, what took you so long, dear? It's about time you showed up. I've been waiting for you forever."

 

I really want to see a happy ending for you, LD.

 

I know with all my heart that this isn't it.

[carhill]

Obviously we both understand that it's probably not possible to be "friends". It's an "all in" or "fold" situation.

 

If this truly is the dynamic, IMO it's quite a healthy and mature one. Happy to read you met with her and shared some personal time. Nothing like that face to face stuff. When it affects you after 40 years and a lifetime of experience, you know it's special. Even if nothing comes of it, relish the memory of the gift of that possibility. There are many who have never experienced it.

 

I hope you'll return and share some of the signposts you find along the way. I know I'd certainly benefit from them. Good luck and may the wind always be at your back, the sun in your face and your friends beside you.

[White Flower]

Lakey, I'm so glad you finally did it. She knows you're there and can decide what is right for her. The ball is in her court now.

 

When exMM tried to get me back I did not jump up and down like a school girl even though I was happy deep inside he still wanted me back. This lady is showing her poker face for similar reasons. I know I don't have to tell you to be patient.

 

Best of luck.

[torranceshipman]

LSD, any nice woman is going to politely say 'yes' when asked out again at the end of a date with a lovely man-that they do not want to see again. People do that stuff to avoid the awkwardness of saying it to the persons face, and having to possibly go into detail about WHY they don't want date no 2. It's 100% possible that this is what your lady was doing when she came off as polite and nice (and lets face it, she seemed pretty neutral anyway). Deep down she may well have been feeling very uncomfortable. Bear in mind she also might worry about upsetting you in case youtell her H what is going on.

 

Just saying....please dont infer any positive signs onto that meeting as there werent any and it'd give you false hope. However, I'm not saying there wont be positive signs in the future! I really hope you see a positive end to this story.

 

You know what might be best? If you could have a mutual acquaintance have a subtle word with her and find out her true thoughts-or email her and say no pressure, tell me 100% honestly what you feel, and maybe she will. Then you dont need to guess anymore!

[carhill]

We met and talked for a half hour or more. No it wasn't

google eyed hunka hunka burning love instantly. There wasn't even much "catching up" as there has been enough contact for that. What there was, was serious conversation

 

It's 100% possible that this is what your lady was doing when she came off as polite and nice (and lets face it, she seemed pretty neutral anyway). Deep down she may well have been feeling very uncomfortable. Bear in mind she also might worry about upsetting you in case youtell her H what is going on.

 

OP, update us on this nuance. My remembrances from reading here is this is a lady you've known for many years, much longer than your "affair" and one who has no trouble speaking her mind. I also recall her H knowing about you already and for a long time. Is this accurate? If it is, IMO, I can't see any reason why she would be situationally "nice" to you if that is not the norm for your long friendship. If you both have been direct about your perspectives in the past, what would have changed? Help us with that.

 

IME, the longer and closer the friendship, the more likely the parties are to be brutally honest in the face-to-face. I've dealt with a parallel that bears this out. There's no worry about being "annoying", trust me In fact, I'm somewhat impressed that neither LsD nor his friend ended up being that way. Good on ya for doing much better than I