Bought a new Home today The Adventure Begins!

[OWoman]

Methinks I'm on the right track doing what I am.

 

And you're the one who'd know best, after all...

[LavendarGirl]

Hi LsD,

I'm still trying to read through the 43+ pages of your thread here. It's so long, I'm reminded of Tolstoy. But wanted to say, go for it, hope it all works out for you, 40 years is a heckuva long time to be in love with someone. I thought my 25 years of loving my MM (from our high school days) was long enough! Hang in there!

 

--LG

[Owl]

No, I haven't. And..she hasn't "revealed her intentions" and I wouldn't have expected her to. She knows where I live. She knows where my business is. I know the same about her. I am very pleased that she's happy to see me when I make an excuse to "drop by". This is a process signedin, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by pushing agendas.

 

She knows why I moved here. On our fist meeting she asked me "why" (I moved here), I looked her in the eyes and said "to be near you". That's just over two months ago, after being here for 8 months without real contact (a friend had told her I was here). She didn't rebuff me then. Since she has become more and more welcoming, and flirty, and charming. I don't believe "an affair" in the conventional sense of the word is in the cards. It's more an "all in" or "all out" situation between us. If it begins, there won't be any going back.

 

Methinks I'm on the right track doing what I am.

 

 

I disagree.

 

You're ALREADY in an affair, LSD, and you know that. You've posted enough advice to BS's here to be able to step back and see that what you're doing is a EA continuation of the PA you had with her years ago.

 

Do you think she's told her H that she's seeing you again? Do you think her H knows about that "charming, flirty" side of her that you're seeing again?

 

Or do you think she's lying to him by ommission?

 

Nothing different here than any of the other stories you've given advice to from the other side, my friend.

 

Call a horse a horse.

 

It's where you're at, and where you've chosen to go.

[Trimmer]

Call a horse a horse.

Agree. LD, even as I may disagree in parts, I've maintained an amount of respect for you, generally in proportion to the degree that you've been honest with yourself about your situation, your intentions, etc... And I'm really leery about raining on your parade, and being a contrary voice in among all the well-wishes for your happiness and "getting what you want," but I think you're fooling yourself here.

 

Methinks I'm on the right track doing what I am.

What you are doing is courting a woman who has chosen to stay married, and by all accounts, she is responding. Given your past history together, your magnificent gesture of moving your entire life to be near her, and what must be her assumptions about your intentions of moving emotionally closer to her as well, how can you not see this as an EA?

 

If it begins, there won't be any going back.

The old slippery slope of affairs: "well, we haven't actually, really done anything yet..." At what point would you possibly consider it to have "begun," if moving to be near her and apparently having her welcome the gesture doesn't indicate that it has "begun?" Are you waiting for each other to "state your intentions?" It sounds very much like you are both scrupulously avoiding having to face that truth at this point. Is that not also classic affair behavior?

[LakesideDream]

I disagree.

 

You're ALREADY in an affair, LSD, and you know that. You've posted enough advice to BS's here to be able to step back and see that what you're doing is a EA continuation of the PA you had with her years ago.

 

Do you think she's told her H that she's seeing you again? Do you think her H knows about that "charming, flirty" side of her that you're seeing again?

 

Or do you think she's lying to him by ommission?

 

Nothing different here than any of the other stories you've given advice to from the other side, my friend.

 

Call a horse a horse.

 

It's where you're at, and where you've chosen to go.

 

 

Such a Wise 'ol Owl. Of course everything you write has merit. Have a Merry Christmas Owl, and a Happy New Year too !

[Owl]

Such a Wise 'ol Owl. Of course everything you write has merit. Have a Merry Christmas Owl, and a Happy New Year too !

 

Old, yes. Wise? LOL...not likely!

 

But, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you as well!

[LakesideDream]

Trimmer, you also (like Owl) make excellent points. I hadn't actually given your point of view any thought. After limited contact for such a long time, the "affair" you and Owl speak of doesen't feel that way to me ... yet. That doesen't make your observation incorrect.

 

Looking back I don't disagree that the seeds of an EA have been planted and are germinating. Yes it feels good. Yes I hope she is feeling it too. So, I will have to change my internal accessment .. yup, feels like an EA to me. But then again, it's been an Long Distance EA for many years now, nothing especially new. That being said, as a long time poster I'm not committed to the whole concept of "EA's".... and my posts reflect that.

 

And of course I don't expect that she has been reporting her actions to her H.

 

I appreciate your use of "courting" it's is such a nice word. And yes, that's what I'm doing. And yes, I'm waiting for her to decide what she wants her future to be. I am not going to try to impose my will in this situation. Believe me.. it's hard to be passive.

[signedin2008]

Why are you avoiding or ignoring my previous questions and comments?

[LavendarGirl]

Well, I must say I finally read through the entire thread. Two meals and three cups of coffee later, I navigated my way through the moving boxes, interior design advice, the $20k entertainment system dripping with testerone (eww), the eternal whaddya-waiting-for's (hey I was getting tense, and I could read through in a day), the naysayers, and the well-wishers.

 

And I feel like I've become a newly drafted member of the Lakeside Saga Cheer Squad.

 

So, LsD, not saying anything that hasn't been said before, but...I admire your tenacity and courage. Great that you've been able to move to a community that you enjoy, you were proactive in becoming part of that community, and that you have your business sucessfully off the ground.

 

I am rooting for you and your MW, I do hope that both of you find happiness, whether it is together, or not. That you're able to see this through is great. Otherwise, you will be sitting 12 hours away in a house that you don't like, probably shoveling snow right now, and wondering all the big what-if's.

 

Best regards,

--LS.

[pelicanpreacher]

I'm freezing my tail feathers off up here and I've got icicles hanging from my beak! You really have luxury to have such problems LSD.

[norajane]

Otherwise, you will be sitting 12 hours away in a house that you don't like, probably shoveling snow right now,

 

If he were shoveling snow while IN his house, then he'd have much bigger problems than winning over a MW.

[LakesideDream]

Why are you avoiding or ignoring my previous questions and comments?

 

 

Signedin2008, Frankly, I've answered the same questions, and mulled the same comments for months. To be respectful I will redux. You wrote:

 

Why haven't you made a move on her yet, when you have done it all in the past? Not even a kiss?

 

The answer is obvious, and it's contained in your question. We have done it "all" in the past. Kisses and physical intimacy are meaningless without a much deeper connection.

 

 

When you do see her, where do you meet? Over coffee? If it's all in or all out, what is she waiting for? There is no kids in the house to be going away for college, there is no dying husband in the hospital....what is she waiting for IF she is going to be "all in?"

 

Where we meet, what we do is "to much information" for this forum, and not important anyway. I have no idea what she is "waiting for". Hasn't that been repeated a few dozen times?

 

 

Don't you think she is going to keep doing what's happening? Having you on the side for admiration, emotional support, etc. and have a husband at home for comfort, normality, familiarity, etc.?

No I don't believe that. The status quo is not maintainable indefinetely. If I believed that she was maintaining a relationship for "comfort, normality, familiarity, etc." I wouldn't be here.

 

Why would she give up her family, face in the community, normacy, etc. for you when she already have a good piece of your time?

 

This one I won't answer. If you don't possess the experiance to answer your own question, you don't have the experiance to understand the answer.

 

Generally I allow everyone to state their opinions or "take their shots" without defending a position that has dubious merits. Online "conflict" is pointless.

[Confusedalways]

wow . I just read this thing beginning to end (thought admittedly skimmed as I got toward the end). I felt like I was watching a movie!!

 

continued good luck and well wishes for you, LsD!

[torranceshipman]

I think she is very happy now-Lakeside has added to her life by being in it, living up the street, happy to just hang out with her and be adoring but never asking for anything else...pretty perfect for her. I admit thats a very nice outcome that I'd like in her situation. Lakeside wont make another move as he's made the biggest one he can-moving there-so the ball is 100% in her court now and he's respecting that. She clearly wants to maintain the status quo and enjoys a friendship with Lakeside that has the extra bond of an ex couple that were once intimate and are now close friends. I think nothing will ever change now, she will stay with the H, she'll never be a romantic partner to Lakeside, but its nice they're at least a part of each others lives as friends.

[phoenixrising]

Lakeside - if, indeed, your woman chooses to stay in her current situation, but with you as a close but non-romantic friend (and she verbalizes this decision to you), it is enough for you that you are making her happy by adding to her life? I know you love her and want her to be happy, just curious if you are willing to sacrifice your desire for a romantic relationship (with her or someone else) just to be able to be close to her for the remainder of your life?

 

Forgive me if you've addressed this in a previous post...

[phoenixrising]

The reason I'm asking the question in my previous post, LS, is because this is what my xMM recently told me - that he is willing to give up any possibility for a romantic relationship to simply have me as part of his life. Any resemblance to an EA has ended. But I don't think he truly understands that simply having him in my life makes it difficult for me to become involved with someone else.

[whichwayisup]

But I don't think he truly understands that simply having him in my life makes it difficult for me to become involved with someone else.

 

Then you need to end the friendship with him for your own sanity. Put yourself first, even if he is upset that you're ending things completely with him. This is YOUR life and if having him in your life prevents you from finding a man, getting married, having a family of your own, then you have walk away.

[frannie]

The reason I'm asking the question in my previous post, LS, is because this is what my xMM recently told me - that he is willing to give up any possibility for a romantic relationship to simply have me as part of his life. Any resemblance to an EA has ended. But I don't think he truly understands that simply having him in my life makes it difficult for me to become involved with someone else.

 

I wonder if having him out of your life would make a difference, though. I found that I was thinking about and missing MM far more when we were NC than when we are talking on the phone. It didn't seem to make a difference to me whether he was 'in' my life our 'out' of it (in or out of contact)... I still feel the same way about him, and I still feel he's 'in' my life. I've met him, how can I erase that? It's not so simple as 'NC makes you forget'... it doesn't.

[phoenixrising]

Frannie, that's what I finally realized. I was thinking about him more when not in contact than when we are in LC. I'm finding it healthier to work through the situation rather than avoiding it, as we have to work together periodically. And I certainly didn't mean to threadjack, but was curious about whether LS feels that he can move on if his woman chooses only to be friends, given he has settled in the same town? Or perhaps when you truly love someone it's enough to be able to be near as a friend, supporting their decision to remain in a committed situation? I don't think I could ever move on if I were living in the same town as xMM and having frequent contact... it's challenging for me, and I only see him about twice a year.

[LakesideDream]

Frannie, that's what I finally realized. I was thinking about him more when not in contact than when we are in LC. I'm finding it healthier to work through the situation rather than avoiding it, as we have to work together periodically. And I certainly didn't mean to threadjack, but was curious about whether LS feels that he can move on if his woman chooses only to be friends, given he has settled in the same town? Or perhaps when you truly love someone it's enough to be able to be near as a friend, supporting their decision to remain in a committed situation? I don't think I could ever move on if I were living in the same town as xMM and having frequent contact... it's challenging for me, and I only see him about twice a year.

 

 

phoenixrising, You raise some interesting questions/senerios. As for "moving on", the answer is of course. I assume you mean being a trusted friend, is the lady decides that she doesen't want or need more.

 

I have absolutely loved this woman, since she was a girl and I was a boy. At times is was close and passionate, at times from the back of my mind, or heart, only coming to the surface in times of high emotion. I canno imagine a life where I wouldn't be truely in love with her. I have been in one form or another for over 40 years. Obviously having her in my life is much better than not.

 

I can tell you from long hard experiance that seeing her, or even just communication with her daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly isn't necessary to continue to feel the love. It's been there always. Sadly I have admitted here in this thread that I compared my love for my wife of 25 years to the love I felt in my heart for this lady (with no expectation of ever finding her again), and I know that if I made the choice to be with someone else, I fear my heart would never be 100% available.

 

She will do what she does. I am less pessimistic than some of the recent posters. Then again, I know how she reacts to me when we are together. I don't believe she is "playing". I also know that she wouldn't hesitate to tell me that she wasn't "interested" if that was the case. She is not cruel or thoughtless. She is aware she could hurt me badly and she hasn't. She is also not the type of woman who would "lead someone on", it's just not in her personality.

[OpenBook]

I canno imagine a life where I wouldn't be truely in love with her. I have been in one form or another for over 40 years. Obviously having her in my life is much better than not.

 

I can tell you from long hard experiance that seeing her, or even just communication with her daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly isn't necessary to continue to feel the love. It's been there always. Sadly I have admitted here in this thread that I compared my love for my wife of 25 years to the love I felt in my heart for this lady (with no expectation of ever finding her again), and I know that if I made the choice to be with someone else, I fear my heart would never be 100% available.

 

I wonder if your XW sensed this when you guys were married, and that's why she cheated on you for most of your M... because she knew on some level that she didn't have all of your heart, and so therefore nothing to lose? What's good for the goose type of thing? Just putting it out there, and forgive me if this has already been discussed in this epic-length thread.

[carhill]

My bet is, after he discovered his W's affair and subsequently D'd, he suddenly realized something about his feelings for his friend which had always been there, but he just hadn't honestly embraced. A revelation, if you will. I'll bet the history didn't taint his devotion to his marriage at all. At we all do, LsD has a past. Past relationships, past loves, past dreams, past regrets. He's pretty normal, in my book. Maybe more expressive of those aspects than many men, but normal.

 

New Year's Resolution?

[LakesideDream]

I wonder if your XW sensed this when you guys were married, and that's why she cheated on you for most of your M... because she knew on some level that she didn't have all of your heart, and so therefore nothing to lose? What's good for the goose type of thing? Just putting it out there, and forgive me if this has already been discussed in this epic-length thread.

 

 

OpenBook, I actually have an answer for your question (wonder?) straight from the ex's lips. She had zero idea that I had "this woman" in my past. It took her completely by suprise (after the divorce), and was actually jealous. No she had no idea, and I was not unfaithful to my ex in any way, especially emotionally. I loved her completely we built a life together and I believed happily my marriage was forever, an was happy with that as well.

 

What I felt for my "LadybytheLake" was buried deep. During every marriage there are low points. I believe I had quite a few of those low points. I remembered her, and took comfort in what we had shared in those times.

 

It's difficult to put into words, I'll try. During "low times" my ex responded by attacking my self esteem and worth. I know now that often she was "covering" pushing me down because she was being unfaithful, or maybe missing her BF. At those times life sometimes was more bareable when I remembered "her" professions of love for me. It brought back some belief that I was worthwhile, at least back then. There were certain memories that were always able to lift my spirits.

 

I had an unrational belief that someday, if we ever met again, she would love me still, the same way. It was a pleasant fantasy that we would laugh, and be giddy, full of joy. There was never any doubt in my mind (remember it wasn't a rational belief) that it would happen that way. Literally the moment I needed help the most.. like magic, literally like magic... she was there.

 

To this day I don't doubt her love. I don't know how the situation will suss out. Reality is a real bitch don't you know? Happily for me, I do know I am loved. It's still enough.

[OWoman]

To this day I don't doubt her love. I don't know how the situation will suss out. Reality is a real bitch don't you know? Happily for me, I do know I am loved. It's still enough.

 

That's what really matters, ultimately.

[LakesideDream]

That's what really matters, ultimately.

 

 

OWoman, If someone would have said to me that love is what really matters in the first 45 years or so of my life I would probably have put up an argument. The last 15 years? No arguments.

 

At some point many of us come to the realization that there are things in life that we cannot force to go in our favor. Things that, no matter how much we try, or how hard we work to affect an outcome, have a reality all their own. Accepting that is one of life's most imortant lessions and difficult tasks.

 

Not to say I'm not in their pitching, I am.