Bought a new Home today The Adventure Begins!

[TroyNJ]

Wow what a thread, I read the entire thing....A movie makers dream!

[GorillaTheater]

Me too. A hell of a read. I stated to an OW yesterday that despite my general dismay with cheating spouses, I found her a sympathetic figure. The same applies in spades in the case of Lakeside, who I also find to be a very honorable man. I can't explain it, in light of the attempts to woo a woman from her husband (if that's the correct way to put it), but it's an impression I get nonetheless.

[noforgiveness]

Wow what a thread, I read the entire thing....A movie makers dream!

 

Actually it's not. It needs lakeside to be with his love in the end to make a good movie. This is just sad and so typical of this married womens selfishness.

[tami-chan]

Well, I'll be looking in on you periodically hoping that "somehow, someway....someday" has happened for you.

 

All OMs should be like Lakeside or all MEN..from what I read here,he is one heck of a guy...! A gentleman.

 

I was routing for your happy ending too, Lakeside....still am...whomever it will be with!

[Owl]

All OMs should be like Lakeside or all MEN..from what I read here,he is one heck of a guy...! A gentleman.

 

I was routing for your happy ending too, Lakeside....still am...whomever it will be with!

 

I'll agree with that last part...I too have been hoping to see Lakeside happy...as long as it doesn't come at someone else's expense. I still sincerely hope that he someday soon meets a wonderful, AVAILABLE woman with whom he can share all that he has to share.

 

I would point out that his actions may be "gentlemanly" from the OW perspective...but I'd highly doubt that her husband would agree, had he known Lake's motives for his actions.

 

Regardless...I wish Lake well, and hope he finds happiness in all that he does.

[tami-chan]

Well..I admire that he has never trashed his xW nor the MW. Never called them names, nor affixed labels on them. It's a difficult thing to do not to reduce people to some derogatory labels when one is brokenhearted. But he never has, at least, I have not read that he has. In that way, I think he is a gentleman.

[Owl]

Well..I admire that he has never trashed his xW nor the MW. Never called them names, nor affixed labels on them. It's a difficult thing to do not to reduce people to some derogatory labels when one is brokenhearted. But he never has, at least, I have not read that he has. In that way, I think he is a gentleman.

 

You've apparently not read his descriptions of his xW or her behaviors then, TC.

 

And if not affixing labels is your definition of a gentleman, then it opens the doors quite a bit to what I think most others would consider as "gentlemanly". Trying to convince another man's wife to leave her husband to be with you isn't something that I feel that most people would likely ascribe as 'gentlemanly behavior'.

 

And again LSD...not trying to sit here and tear you up...simply pointing out the flaw in the reasoning I see here. As I've said...I wish you the best.

[LakesideDream]

You've apparently not read his descriptions of his xW or her behaviors then, TC.

 

And if not affixing labels is your definition of a gentleman, then it opens the doors quite a bit to what I think most others would consider as "gentlemanly". Trying to convince another man's wife to leave her husband to be with you isn't something that I feel that most people would likely ascribe as 'gentlemanly behavior'.

 

And again LSD...not trying to sit here and tear you up...simply pointing out the flaw in the reasoning I see here. As I've said...I wish you the best.

 

 

Not tearing me up OWL, I appears to me like there is something that you and Tami didn't get. I did not (and am not) trying to "woo" my MM away from her husband. What I did, that is still valid is present an alternative to her. I make/made no requests or claims. No negotiating, or bickering. Past letting her know that my heart belongs to her, and that I'm physically close enough for her to reach out if she needs me..

 

I love her far to much to pressure, make demands, or upset her life in any way past what she makes the decision (with no prompting whatever) to do. As of the present obviously she hasn't chosen to disrupt her life.

 

I knew that was possible from day one. I'm not dissapointed. Sad occasionally sure, but we are both mature adults, things happen for reasons.

[Owl]

I would disagree with you on this, my friend. You built your nest with the clear intention of "wooing" her into it. You made it clear that this was a good part of your choice to move to this particular city.

 

No, you didn't "pressure" her once you got there...but your GOAL in moving here definitely included setting the stage to resume the affair and/or "have her with you". You pretty much stated that in your initial posts. And it's THAT aspect that is what it appears that many of the OW here have admired.

[LakesideDream]

I would disagree with you on this, my friend. You built your nest with the clear intention of "wooing" her into it. You made it clear that this was a good part of your choice to move to this particular city.

 

No, you didn't "pressure" her once you got there...but your GOAL in moving here definitely included setting the stage to resume the affair and/or "have her with you". You pretty much stated that in your initial posts. And it's THAT aspect that is what it appears that many of the OW here have admired.

 

 

On this we agree. I tried to make my home as comfortable and attractive as possible ... for two. No regrets either. I love my home.

[Owl]

On this we agree. I tried to make my home as comfortable and attractive as possible ... for two. No regrets either. I love my home.

 

And you know what? For that, I ENVY you, my friend.

 

I don't have a "dream house" yet. But I can well imagine your satisfaction with it!!! :)

[LakesideDream]

And you know what? For that, I ENVY you, my friend.

 

I don't have a "dream house" yet. But I can well imagine your satisfaction with it!!! :)

 

 

1500 sq. feet, two huge bedrooms, two baths, large kitchen (39 cabinets, eat your hearts out gals) and a den for my home office, keeping clutter out of the living space. Small enough to keep clean by myself. Very comfortable.

[carhill]

Don't forget the low-maintenance landscape, of which I'm very envious

[tami-chan]

You've apparently not read his descriptions of his xW or her behaviors then, TC.

 

And if not affixing labels is your definition of a gentleman, then it opens the doors quite a bit to what I think most others would consider as "gentlemanly". Trying to convince another man's wife to leave her husband to be with you isn't something that I feel that most people would likely ascribe as 'gentlemanly behavior'.

 

And again LSD...not trying to sit here and tear you up...simply pointing out the flaw in the reasoning I see here. As I've said...I wish you the best.

 

Owl, no, my definition of a gentleman is not only someone "who does not affix labels". That's simplistic and quite silly. Of course it is more than that. But I get that you are parsing my post. I expect it from your camp.

 

I think this is what I said:

 

But he never has, at least, I have not read that he has.

 

So, if he has TRASHED and affixed unsavory and uncalled for labels to his xW and/or MW then I must not have read them. Although, I find it very difficult to believe that he has. There is a very thin line between trashing someone and telling the truth about someone, sometimes. Maybe the difference is in our perspectives when reading his posts.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Oh no Lakeside, I do get that you are not "woo"ing MW from her husband. I think you have presented that clearly. As a matter of fact, part of the reason why I said all OMs or xOMs who are still in love should be like you-not pushy, not angry...JMHO.

[LakesideDream]

Are you not dating any of the local ladies because:

 

1) You want to be "faithful" to this lady

 

2) You're not interested in any local ladies because they're all married or ugly in some way.

 

3) You like being single

 

4) You still have hope that your lady will turn around

 

5) Others.

 

 

Brown, yours is a difficult question. None of your alternatives meets my situation. I have actually given your question a lot of thought over the years. I enjoy the company of women, I enjoy going out for dinner, sharing conversation, watching a movie.

 

Sadly I have not felt that "romantic" feeling in a long time. It just doesen't feel "right" to me. Feelings are difficult to describe, I'll try. Instead of chemistry and excitement, I feel friendship. Instead of lustful feelings, my feelings are lonely. Sometimes being out with someone sharing dinner or an event causes feelings of lonliness, empty feelings I don't want to feel. It's happened many times.

 

I did a bad job of that, sorry.

 

In a nutshell, I don't "want" anyone else, and sex for the sake of sex isn't worth the effort. Sex (without emotion) causes entanglements and complications I'm not comforable with creating.. so I avoid the problem. I don't look at it as being celebite, I see it as being honest.

[Trimmer]

Lake, similar to Owl, I think, I've expressed a mix of respect for you personally, as well as a level of discomfort with the way all of this started. So I'm glad you're in a good, settled place now, with all kinds of potential looking forward in your life.

 

However, I think one of the most important things is honesty to onesself, and in that spirit, I have to point out some things with respect to this:

Not tearing me up OWL, I appears to me like there is something that you and Tami didn't get. I did not (and am not) trying to "woo" my MM away from her husband. What I did, that is still valid is present an alternative to her. I make/made no requests or claims. ...

 

I love her far to much to pressure, make demands, or upset her life in any way past what she makes the decision (with no prompting whatever) to do.

I very much get that your feelings have evolved as you have reached the place you are NOW, with respect to your feelings about her, the fact that you are not NOW pressuring her, etc. But I think you are not being true to yourself to believe that you "did not" intend to woo her, pressure her, or disrupt her life. Right from the very first words of this thread, it was pretty clear that it was - at that time - indeed your intention to assertively (also your word) do exactly those things:

 

Well I done gone and done it. I bought a near new Home today. Two Big Bedrooms and lots of space everywhere. I'm fully comitted now to the quest to win my MW.

 

...a couple of months after that I would be "spilling the beans" to her that I live 7 miles away instead of 700...

 

Boy is she gonna be pissed for awhile.

 

I'm sure she will at least "act" mad for awhile. She may actually be mad as heck, I'll find out soon enough. I know her well enough to know that she enjoys and is excited by assertivness. I haven't been in the position to "be assertive" for quite awhile.

 

I'm sure that if she was given the choice she wouldn't want me to move here. It will absolutely disrupt her, as she calls it "dull and boring" life. She's into the status quo pretty heavily. Enevitability is on my side. As I have written before I'm counting on her heart, (and other parts) not on her reliance on the status quo.

 

...of course there is the intent to put "some pressure" on her. It would be ridictulous to claim otherwise. This PA turned EA has gone on for to long. As long as I live seven hundred miles away there never going to be a conclusion one way or the other.

 

This may be a difficult case to argue, but I'm not doing this to rub your nose in it - rather to show you that your position and intentions have indeed evolved significantly over time. That, in fact, is one of the things for which you have my respect. I just believe that to learn and grow the most from our own experiences, it's important to have an unflinchingly honest view of one's own history, to honor your own life with an accurate view of how you got "from there to here", and to be careful how you write the "raw data" to the archives of your memory.

[LakesideDream]

Trimmer, my definition of pressure my not be the same as yours, however... you've read the thread and you know what actually happened. If not, I'll reprise.

 

Before moving, and for a short while here, I may have fantasized about putting subtile pressure on her, but I didn't. Maybe it was cowardise, or plain fear. I kept a much lower profile when I arrived here well over a year ago than I had thought I would. I didn't try to see her even casually in public for six or more months.

 

There have been times when she encouraged me, and times of discouragement as well. Neither were delivered with "vigor". For whatever reason (I cannot claim it was planned) I did not press the issue. Obviously "pressure" wasn't right for me. I kept to myself, opened a business much sooner than I had envisioned and immersed my self in working on my home and business. I received personal satisfaction out of feeling and giving the outward impression of being "casual". A factor in my action may have been based in finding my balance and strength in a brand new situation.

 

I had and still have many loney nights, however they are far fewer than "normal" nights when I do my "everyday thing".

 

I don't want to cause her pain or discomfort. I don't want her to have anything to fear. As I have said before she knows where I am, can get in touch with me whenever the urge might strike her. She also knows exactly how I feel about her. Once here, in the reality that occured, that's the way it's happened.

 

The good news, and it's very very good is that I love it here. The stars have aligned and allowed me to begin the last third of my life very comfortably. Much more comfortably than I have ever lived. I am responsible for me. I have work that pays the bills, and a home to care for, and hopefully improve. The latter is something I've never experianced. In the past there were always things "in the way".

 

It's not a matter of finances alone, it's more the whole situation. If I was a gal I'd say that I've learned how to live in my own skin. For me everything just feels "right". Short of winning the lottery (which I don't play) I need nothing physically or materially, which is a first in my life. Emotionally things could improve, but the place I'm in is good too, good enough?. For now the answer is yes.

 

Anyway Trimmer, thanks for spurring me into thinking about things, and putting them into words. This thread makes a good journal.

[Reggie]

This is a long thread, so I apologize if you have already addressed this. But, one of the things that has always bothered me about your situation, is the fact that you know, firsthand, what it feels like to be a BH. Presumably, that was traumatic for you.

How do you feel about this woman's BH and what he is facing?

[LakesideDream]

This is a long thread, so I apologize if you have already addressed this. But, one of the things that has always bothered me about your situation, is the fact that you know, firsthand, what it feels like to be a BH. Presumably, that was traumatic for you.

How do you feel about this woman's BH and what he is facing?

 

 

Reggie, being completely honest in the beginning I didn't give much thought to her BS. He was a faceless person who we never talked about. I had fantasies about him, picturing him as a Clark Gable look alike who had swept her off her feet, and beguiled her with his wit, charm, and generous nature. How else could he have captured the love of my life?

 

Turns out that none of the above was true, which I didn't find out until a year ago. He's just a regular guy.

 

I have wondered in the past year what would become of him if their marriage dissolved. I compared my situation to his. From what discussions the lady and I have had over the years I can only imagine that he would be less capable of dealing with a divorce than I was. That's just speculation though.

 

Dwelling on the BS's situation really hasn't been weighing heavily on my radar. That's obviously a character flaw on my part. While I haven't done anything since moving (or for many years before moving) to upset their household I must be honest and say that if there were a knock on my door at 9:00 tonight... I'd open it with an open home, and a happy heart. Another character flaw?

[White Flower]

Reggie, being completely honest in the beginning I didn't give much thought to her BS. He was a faceless person who we never talked about. I had fantasies about him, picturing him as a Clark Gable look alike who had swept her off her feet, and beguiled her with his wit, charm, and generous nature. How else could he have captured the love of my life?

 

Turns out that none of the above was true, which I didn't find out until a year ago. He's just a regular guy.

 

I have wondered in the past year what would become of him if their marriage dissolved. I compared my situation to his. From what discussions the lady and I have had over the years I can only imagine that he would be less capable of dealing with a divorce than I was. That's just speculation though.

 

Dwelling on the BS's situation really hasn't been weighing heavily on my radar. That's obviously a character flaw on my part. While I haven't done anything since moving (or for many years before moving) to upset their household I must be honest and say that if there were a knock on my door at 9:00 tonight... I'd open it with an open home, and a happy heart. Another character flaw?

Do you imagine MW knocking or the BH? What would you do in either case?

[Reggie]

I'm not sure if it is a character flaw, Lakeside. But, you must admit, it does demonstrate a lack of compassion and empathy. Everyone is different, but, are their other areas of your life where this may be true, also?

I can only speak for myself and I do not think I am a saint.But, after having gone through this, I would never want to be part of putting someone else through it. And, I have had that opportunity a few times.

[LakesideDream]

Reggie, I've often speculated that the fact that "I knew her when" (I was her first) that I had prior claim. Fairly weak excuse I understand, but it worked (works) for me.

[LakesideDream]

Is it because you were her first or because you slept with her before her H or both?

 

Do you think it will hurt less if your wife cheated on you with her ex or her first?

 

Brown, funny you put it that way. My ex did cheat on me, for 23 years with her High School boyfriend before leaving to be with him. I'm not sure he was her first, but I would bet on the odds that he was...

 

As for my gal, both, by a long way. We had a mad romance as kids.

[LakesideDream]

Do you imagine MW knocking or the BH? What would you do in either case?

 

 

Cute WF... but for giggles. If it was my lady friend I'd open the door wide and invite her in (expecting a hug). If it was her hubby, I'd reach for the deadbolt on my security screen before the discussion began. No sense in tempting fate.

[carhill]

LsD, I think you know BH would not confront you violently. I'd invite him in for a beer. After all, he loved your lady enough at one time to marry her. I'd support that commonality of interest.

 

Is that enough of a devil's advocate for you?

 

I'm speaking from a bit of experience here.....