Bought a new Home today The Adventure Begins!

[carhill]

I think much will turn on the friend's perception of what love and romance is. If my recent experience is any guide, if she has been in an abusive and/or loveless/non-stimulating relationship/marriage, she may take a dim view on the idea of romance and all these emotions the OP has carried with him all this time, regardless of past contact or how he presents himself. It may very well overwhelm her. Really tough decision...

 

The critical thing IMO is what she believes about herself. Her perspective.

[Lucky_One]

Yes, she could freak out and feel quite threatened that Lake moved so close to her or she could be happy. My train of thought sadly is, (obviously I could be very wrong here) she'll feel quite freaked by his move and be angry.

 

Isn't it going to make a possible negative reaction worse the longer you wait? Honest, this is getting a bit....spooky....or weird....or something I can't name. I mean, if you love her enough and are hopeful enough that she will want to be with in you in order to move your home all the way there, then you must speak/email/IM with her daily or so, right?

 

Won't she be angry the longer and longer you prolong this information? You are basically lying to her, and watering and nurturing the lie, rather than nurturing your R with her.

[zxcirce]

So it's been six months since you bought a house and moved, unknown to her, to where she lives. You continue to act as if this has not happened in your communications with her.

 

If a man ever did this to me, I would be so incredibly creeped out and and angry at the deception. But, that's just me, I suppose.

 

It's too close to stalking for my comfort.

[Art_Critic]

Maybe with all the new social exposure Lakeside will meet another woman..

It doesn't seem to me that he has much of a desire to have her know he lives there.. so the happy ending may very well be that he moves on totally to someone new

[lovestruck818]

Is this thread still talking about the new home? Cuz I just bought one and already I had a leak and the whole ceiling fell down...

[LakesideDream]

Hmmm....this will really send her a message lake - and that msge says "I'm here and I'm not going away" - still not sure that's a good or bad thing when she finds out.

 

 

It's not about sending a message for me... as much as it's about firming up my position in the community.

 

I am fully committed to living here. Since I purchased the home and moved in April this house has lost $20,000 in value. Real estate is continuing to plummet downward, here and almost everywhere. It's not a problem to me as I bought the house, and furnished it to live in. It would be a real problem to sell it now.

 

Wether or not there is a relationship with my "friend" in my future, this move is a permenant one. Possibly the last one I'll make (I'm 58). It's become obvious that the two of us could both live in this town without a problem... evenif there is no future relationship. We haven't run into each other accidentially in 120+ days of unfettered living, I've literally been all over this place. Infrequent accidential "meetings" wouldn't be traumatic.

 

I like this place. I decided to open a small (very small) business, because I believe it will be profitable, making me more comfortable, enhancing my future retirement. I want the business because it's a sound financial move. It will also keep me out of mischief!

 

Fear of rejection is always a problem.. and I feel it. In a perfect world, I'll be at my very best when we do meet, or when I decide to "make my move". And... it's a bigger factor than I thought it would be when making plans in late January, and buying the house in February. This move has been much more difficult than I invisioned six months ago... all things considered, everything is progressing at a reasonable pace.

[LakesideDream]

Yes, she could freak out and feel quite threatened that Lake moved so close to her or she could be happy. My train of thought sadly is, (obviously I could be very wrong here) she'll feel quite freaked by his move and be angry.

 

 

Sorry to post twice in a row.. but whichwayisup deserves an answer here.

 

I am absolutely sure she will be "freaked" and possibly angry to find out I live here in this little (well not so little) town. It's going to complicate her life that's for sure.

 

I'm not sure that the "anger" or suprise could, or would very last long. We know each other very well. She is not afraid me, in any way. If there is no relationship in our future, she will know that there is no danger from me, that life would just continue as always. The only difference would be the physical proximity to someone who loves and cares about her, that will only act in her best interest. She will also know in her heart and head why I made the move.

 

There is nothing wrong, or threatening about wanting to be near someone you love. Once she has a few moments or hours to think, I'm sure she would/will realize that whatever her "mood" or thoughts about my move.

[Lucky_One]

There is nothing wrong, or threatening about wanting to be near someone you love.

 

But is there something wrong by lying to someone you love about where you are living and what you are doing?

[LakesideDream]

But is there something wrong by lying to someone you love about where you are living and what you are doing?

 

 

I haven't lied. The subject hasn't come up. It's not a lie by omission either. My move was what I wanted to make. I didn't need permission to make it.

[Lucky_One]

What in the heck do you talk about then? Nothing personal?

 

"What did you do today, honey bunny?"

 

"Unpacked the living room books and waited for the flat screen. How about you, sweetheart?"

 

You can say you aren't lying by omission, but I think a lot of people might disagree with you. You are withholding basic information about a huge big deal in your life that involves her in a lateral fashion, and there is no way that you could just talk about your general life for the past 7 months without talking about the move.

[LakesideDream]

What in the heck do you talk about then? Nothing personal?

 

"What did you do today, honey bunny?"

 

"Unpacked the living room books and waited for the flat screen. How about you, sweetheart?"

 

You can say you aren't lying by omission, but I think a lot of people might disagree with you. You are withholding basic information about a huge big deal in your life that involves her in a lateral fashion, and there is no way that you could just talk about your general life for the past 7 months without talking about the move.

 

The world isn't full of 100% disclosure. In deciding on my tactic's, and subsequently in adjusting them I have remained faithful to one goal. I want/wanted this to be something I did for myself. With no help, no permission, no conditions. I'm 58 years old, if I let others make my decisions for me, I'll never make 60. Obviously this move is going to disrupt her life, happy or unhappy as it may be. For better, or for worse. She will be much less disrupted if it's proven that I'm a big boy, and regardless of the emotional outcome I won't be a burden to her in any modality. The time I've been here, doing all the things I've needed to do to make a permenant home, without her, or anyone else's assistance proves my point.

 

Asking for permission, or seeking approval from her was never part of the process for me.

[Nevermind]

There is a thing called lie by omission, and you definately have been guilty of that. It isn't about whether or not you're required to tell her, it's about what your silence on this subject will mean to her.

 

Frankly, I don't see any reason not to tell her now. You don't need to be "firming your position as a citizen" to tell her, or anything else for that matter. You have a house, a job and you lived there without her for months. You're "a big boy" already.

 

Imho, it's the fear of rejection that makes you wait. Sorry to be blunt, but it's never wise to make fear your master.

 

She will find out eventually, and it will make a huge difference if you tell her or she finds out on her own.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to post twice in a row.. but whichwayisup deserves an answer here.

 

I am absolutely sure she will be "freaked" and possibly angry to find out I live here in this little (well not so little) town. It's going to complicate her life that's for sure.

 

That's alright, I knew you'd answer at some point..

 

Well, as long as you're aware she may freak, or be angry..The thing to think about though, since you haven't had much contact with her recently, (have you?) you don't really know her frame of mind and what is going on in her life.

 

Yes..Complicate, big time!

 

I'm not sure that the "anger" or suprise could, or would very last long. We know each other very well. She is not afraid me, in any way. If there is no relationship in our future, she will know that there is no danger from me, that life would just continue as always. The only difference would be the physical proximity to someone who loves and cares about her, that will only act in her best interest. She will also know in her heart and head why I made the move.

 

She may know in her heart and head, but that doesn't mean she will agree with it. I'm not trying to put you off, I just hope you're prepared for the worst case senario. The long distance made it safe. Now that you're closer, that safety zone is no more..THAT is what's gonna make her feel threatened. You can tell her 100x that you moved because of X,Y or Z reasons, SHE will only focus on one reason. You're there for her..

There is nothing wrong, or threatening about wanting to be near someone you love. Once she has a few moments or hours to think, I'm sure she would/will realize that whatever her "mood" or thoughts about my move

Depends on her frame of mind and also what is going on in her life, her marriage.

[lkjh]

The world isn't full of 100% disclosure. In deciding on my tactic's, and subsequently in adjusting them I have remained faithful to one goal. I want/wanted this to be something I did for myself. With no help, no permission, no conditions. I'm 58 years old, if I let others make my decisions for me, I'll never make 60. Obviously this move is going to disrupt her life, happy or unhappy as it may be. For better, or for worse. She will be much less disrupted if it's proven that I'm a big boy, and regardless of the emotional outcome I won't be a burden to her in any modality. The time I've been here, doing all the things I've needed to do to make a permenant home, without her, or anyone else's assistance proves my point.

 

Asking for permission, or seeking approval from her was never part of the process for me.

 

This is a very selfish and needy move you are making. Just think you moved to this woman's town where she lives with her family in hopes of stealing her away from them. Do you honestly believe this thing you are doing isn't crazy, I mean this is her and her family's life you messing with. You call yourself a big boy but a big boy doesn't only think about himself. I read your earlier post and I know you bash cheating women because your wife cheated on you and you feel that you are a victim but come on you clearly have some psycholgical problems that you need to work out because this move you are making sounds like something out of a bad suspense film about a man stalking a family.

[silktricks]

What would be really sad in a funny kind of way is if she moved to your old town at the same time you moved here.

 

Hope the best for both of you.

[GPFan]

I am absolutely sure she will be "freaked" and possibly angry to find out I live here in this little (well not so little) town. It's going to complicate her life that's for sure.

 

 

Imho, it's the fear of rejection that makes you wait. Sorry to be blunt, but it's never wise to make fear your master.

 

 

The long distance made it safe. Now that you're closer, that safety zone is no more..THAT is what's gonna make her feel threatened. You can tell her 100x that you moved because of X,Y or Z reasons, SHE will only focus on one reason. You're there for her..

These quotes seem to sum up where things stand now.

 

It might be better for you to bite the bullet and put an end to the tension and wondering. You already have a lovely home, are planning a business storefront and being active in the community.

 

My guess is everyone responding is sensing that now is the time.

[torranceshipman]

I can't say why but I get the impression you also have very little regular communication with her. Is that the case? If so, I don't think, tbh, that there is a real R here at all. And if that is the case, this situation does move close in conception to stalking (at least it could be construed as that). NOT flaming you at all!! But maybe what you've built up in your mind is so different from the reality. I mean, moving cross country, buying a house and setting up a business up the road from her, waiting for the 'perfect time' to tell her....hiding from her, essentially, for months....it doesn't feel right at all - it feels incredibly one sided and nothing like a R-more like one persons fantasy and overwhelming feelings that arent returned. And when was the last time you physically saw her? A very long time ago, I'll bet.

 

I'm really gunning for you LD and I really hope things work out, but seriously, I think the next time you guys communicate, you need to at least throw the idea out there:b 'would things be different if we lived closer', for example, and see what she says.

 

Kudos to you to say that you can cope and you'll stay if she isn't interested...but I think you need to be prepared for that mentally - it will clearly be a huge let down for you as you've created an entire life on the basis of the chance that it'll happen. Hope it all works out for everyone in the best possible way...

[LakesideDream]

I can't say why but I get the impression you also have very little regular communication with her. Is that the case? If so, I don't think, tbh, that there is a real R here at all. And if that is the case, this situation does move close in conception to stalking (at least it could be construed as that). NOT flaming you at all!! But maybe what you've built up in your mind is so different from the reality. I mean, moving cross country, buying a house and setting up a business up the road from her, waiting for the 'perfect time' to tell her....hiding from her, essentially, for months....it doesn't feel right at all - it feels incredibly one sided and nothing like a R-more like one persons fantasy and overwhelming feelings that arent returned. And when was the last time you physically saw her? A very long time ago, I'll bet.

 

I'm really gunning for you LD and I really hope things work out, but seriously, I think the next time you guys communicate, you need to at least throw the idea out there:b 'would things be different if we lived closer', for example, and see what she says.

 

Kudos to you to say that you can cope and you'll stay if she isn't interested...but I think you need to be prepared for that mentally - it will clearly be a huge let down for you as you've created an entire life on the basis of the chance that it'll happen. Hope it all works out for everyone in the best possible way...

 

 

I am as completely "prepared" as possible for the possibility that things don't work out. It won't even be a "huge" letdown if it happens. For anybody who hasn't read the thread, a one time oppertunity to make a move appeared last January. A piece of property I owned in partnership was sold, creating a huge tax liability. A partner in that property croaked forcing sale. I avoided that liability by re-investing in this property. With the current Real Estate situation, I bought something to live in. I have no mortgage. There is an excellent chance that this is the last move I make in my life.

 

The move was to a resort / retirement community (I am actually the average age of folks here) It's a great place to live. Most would recognize the name of the town instantly.

 

A move was due. I had spent 10 years in a place I moved to when I was married. That move was made to "start over and save the marriage" It wasn't my choice of locations, and frankly it was a very difficult place to live. The business climate was good but most everything else sucked.

 

I totally reject the suggestion that moving here could be stalking, or "stalkerish". I bought property, registered my auto, changed my drivers license, pay utilities, signed up and voluenteer at the Senior Center, and am listed in the local telephone directory. Now I am starting a business open to the public which I will advertise aggressively. I am way above the radar... she just hasn't noticed. That's not "stalking". I resent posters who say it is. As for "physically" stalking her, that's impossible. This town is way to small. I already know my neighbors!

 

This place was on my list of places to move 10 years ago, and I didn't know she lived there then. That's one of the reasons the decision to move here was easy when the once in a long time oppertunity arose.

 

When we do get together and if she does "freak"... there is always tomorrow or next year. I won't be difficult to locate if I'm available (I suspect I would be) There is no lack of single ladies my age here either. I've met more than a few, although I haven't dated any, (my choice).

 

At least a small problem has become comfort. I am feeling VERY comfortable here. Everything has gone reasonably smoothly for a move of this magnitude. Putting the final touch of starting a business was the hardest decision I've had to make since moving. The "regular" year is only a couple of months away (currently in the hectic tourist season), Things will happen when they should, I am sure.

[torranceshipman]

I wasn't saying that I think you're a stalker! Just that it could be misconstrued in that way by people close to the situation, thats all...

[OWoman]

At least a small problem has become comfort. I am feeling VERY comfortable here. Everything has gone reasonably smoothly for a move of this magnitude. Putting the final touch of starting a business was the hardest decision I've had to make since moving. The "regular" year is only a couple of months away (currently in the hectic tourist season), Things will happen when they should, I am sure.

 

Great news that you're feeling so settled, LsD!

 

I must say I :lmao:d at the idea of you being a stalker!! I think those of us who've experience real stalking would give anything to have had your kind of low key, respectful "stalking". Hell, if that's stalking, then the guy newly in love who sends his beloved 100 text messages a day should be locked up for life, or the girl who shows up unannounced at her BF's office with roses executed by lethal injection!

[Owl]

I agree. This isn't stalking.

 

I DO wonder if its not taking this MUCH further than his MW has any intention of taking it, however.

 

That's why I think that its going to be a major bruhaha when she finally does learn what LSD has done over the last six months.

 

I realize I don't have the whole picture by any means...but the simple fact that this kind of thing could be completely left out of their communications so easily suggests to me more emotional distance than I would have thought for most affairs...even LDR emotional ones.

 

I think the relationship with LSD had gone to a level that she wanted, that she was completely comfortable with...and this massive one-sided escalation is likely to be more than she's going to accept.

 

I know that LSD is trying to prepare himself for that possibility...I just don't see a happy outcome of all of this at the end of the day.

[carhill]

Perhaps the net effect is he will see her for her authentic self as opposed to the image reflected from the comfort of mutual distance. I hope that is a positive outcome. Sometimes conflict is an impetus for change. Sometimes, it's just conflict. Time will tell

[torranceshipman]

I agree with Owl, I was trying to communicate the same sentiments,in case it didnt come across clearly in my post!

 

As for the stalking thing, I am not saying it IS stalking (and I've been on the receiving end of stalking before, so yes, I know the difference!) - I don't think LSD has those types of intentions whatsoever!! - he sounds like a nice guy with good intentions - all I meant is that it might come across that way, or just seem unpleasant or a bit creepy - to others involved in/close to the situation.

 

Think about being in the MWs shoes...she has an EA/PA with a guy who lives a long, long way away, and for a very long time theres been no real contact, just an MSN 'now and then' contact type of R, conversational, some sweet words here and here....nothing to take too seriously, right... you don't speak often, he lives across the other side of the country and thus, he is 'safe'. Then imagine you as the MW find out he has taken this WAY more seriously than you ever intended, moved his WHOLE LIFE to your little town and has been secretly setting up house and a business up the road from you secretly and silently, all in the hope that you will leave your H and kids for him...would you not completely freak out and feel like your family life is totally threatened and think this guy has stepped 1000% over the line? I know I'd be massively freaked out.

 

LSD I really think you need to tell her and just see what happens! The more time you're there without telling her, the more likely she is to get freaked out IMO.

[Mustang Sally]

LsD -

I have no ill will for you, personally. But these latest pages on your thread compel me to again respond to your situation.

 

I still struggle to understand how, after having your wife cheat on you, and then the subsequent dissolution of your marriage, you have allowed and justified your participation in the current situation that you find yourself in. I know, I know, you have explained in the past (probably in this very thread...pages back) how - in your eyes - this is very justifiable and acceptable. I think I remember the invocation of the "life is short" clause, or something similar to that.

 

It seems to me that you are living on Denial Planet, still. With your most recent explanations for why your are "innocently" relocated to your OW's town/city, and how it's "no big deal" nor do you have any obligation to inform your OW of your relocation. Yes, I suppose you have a "right" to live wherever you want to on this big ole' ball...but it seems highly UNrandom that you chose the location that you chose, and I would expect that your OW will see it that way, too.

 

Maybe this is just your way of processing things that have happened/are happening in your life. I can respect that to an extent, if that is the case. But I do think it DOES affect your OW - these choices you have made of late. And I DO think that it is a disservice to her that you have not let her in on your "secret" because - whether you want it to or not - it DOES affect her. Possibly in some very profound ways.

 

Good luck with that...?

Something just seems rotten in Denmark with this approach to me.

 

I don't know. Again - I do not say any of this in a spirit of meanness. It's just that it seems....inappropriate (especially for someone with the life experience that you must have...in your fifties) to be conducting one's personal affairs in such a manner.

 

I hope you find your resolution.

[carhill]

Say LsD makes no overt moves. Say MW becomes aware of his presence. He continues to operate his business, has a social life, contributes to the community, etc. He's not pressing her in any way for contact, commitment, divorce, etc. He's just there.

 

In this scenario (I'm not say that is what he is planning), the MW can continue to make decisions for her own life, just with LsD a day's drive closer in distance. Emotionally, he could still be as close or as far away as he was in the past. That's up to her. He's not responsible for her feelings. She is.