Will she give me a second chance?

[dgruebele]

As always, it's a long story. But, I'll try to make it short.

 

My ex and I have been together for 3 years. We have lived together for most of that time. I left for 2 month for my job to work in Saipan (a small island in the pacific). While I was out there, I started seeing a girl.

 

When I came back, I told my fiance about what happened. She said she would forgive me and take me back. I was confused and said that I wasn't sure that I could work things out. In the mean time, I kept in contact with the other girl. My ex and I still hung out and had some of the best times of our lives.

 

Several weeks later, my ex decided that she was going to move on and started dating a guy. This scared me and I started to realize that I didn't want to loose her. I told her this and she said that she still loved me, but wasn't ready.

 

About a week ago, the "other" guy told her it was completely over. He couldn't handle the fact that her and I were still living together and he didn't want to compete with me for her time.

 

Now, she has been rejected twice in the past couple months and is devistated. I tell her everyday that I love her and I want to make things work. She gets frustrated with me and tells me to back off and that she needs some time to figure things out.

 

We still live together and share many things including, friends, family, bills, money, time...etc.

 

I think about her everyday and want to make things work. How do I keep my feelings inside and let her take the time she needs? Does she want things to end completely, but is just not willing to say so? I know that I messed up bad, but want to show her that I am willing to change and commit to her for the rest of my life. How do I show her these things when she just wants to be by herself or with friends?

 

Where do I go from here?

[ator]

That is a tough one because you both still live together. It could be a positive, though. It just depends on how the time together is spent.

 

This may sound harsh, but I say give her what she asks for and give her some space. You don't want to push her away by acting on anxiety and fear of loss. Keep your head and try your best to go on without closing the door. Good luck.

[jeannie_mcbeal]

This engagement shouldn't even have happened. You both are not ready to commit at all.

 

I think she still has feelings for you, but she is not ready for commitment, same for you. Since you both still live together, perhaps you can do some nice stuff at home like cooking dinner, doing the laundry, etc. while she's out with her family and friends. That would prove some sincerity and show that you're ready for a commitment.

 

See how that goes.

[dgruebele]

Well, soon after the last guy broke up with her, she hooked up with someone new. She says that he doesn't want to get into anything serious, but she does like him. I decided that we need to go our seperate ways and gave her until the end of the month to move. She's never home, she has put her job in jeopardy (calling in sick...etc.), she has no money, it's just too much. She has shown a side of herself that I never thought she had and never wanted to see. I still love her to death and hope that one day she can get back on track and we could have a chance together. The hard part now is going to be not having her around and hoping that she pays for her part of the bills and loans that we have in both of our names. This has and is going to be one of the hardest things that has ever happened to me. I hope that I can learn and grow from the experience. Wish me luck!

[Ally Boo]

From someone who has lived with an ex...

 

This situation can be extremely hard and stressful...especially since she's been rejected bc of the living situation. However, I mean, that has to be what she expects...and what you should expect too.

 

I say, sit down and have a long talk. Maybe it's time that you two DO get seperate places. It was impossible for the two of us to get a place seperate, and we ended up just getting back together.

 

Either way, a decision needs to be made....before you walk in on her sleeping with someone else, or vise versa....then all the stress you had before is going to seem SO little.

 

TRUST ME, I've been there, and it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

[dgruebele]

It's been a difficult road. She finally moved out at the beginning of September. She is now on her third boyfriend in 4 months. She calls me every couple of days to see if she has any mail. I just tell her that I put it in the outgoing box and that she needs to fill out a fowarding address form. She is living with her friend who is married and has two kids. She feels the need to tell me that her new "boyfriend" is nice and that everything is fine. She tells me that it is not going to work out between us "right now", but she would still like to remain friends.

 

She's got me on a string. She knows I still care and that it tears me up to know that she is seeing someone else. ??????????

 

A buddy of mine is moving in at the beginning of October, and he just broke up with his girlfriend of about 1 year. This could be a good or bad thing?!? We both like to party and meet new people, but I still have a huge financial obligations after my ex left.

 

There is a girl from work that I started hanging out with. Nothing serious, as of yet. But, I do think she is cool and have had a good time hanging out with her. The major hinderance is that, I'm 25 and she is 32. Also, I don't know if I am ready to date.

 

Like I said, my ex is on her third "boyfriend" in 4 months, and it is hard for me to understand how that is possible. I "still" have feelings for her, even though she has put me through a lot of **** in the past couple months.

 

What the hell do I do?!?

 

Please read my previous posts before replying...........

[hark0100]

I am having similar problems but one of the best things you can do is to get help yourself. Tell her you want to work on your problems and if you are willing to go see someone to talk to and figure it out so they don't happen again tell her that and ask if if she would like to come with you. Let her know you are dedicated to doing whatever it takes to work things out but also give her some space to work things out on her own too. But the main thing is you have to work on yourself and if she starts seeing an improvement in you she might change her mind.

[dgruebele]

Several months ago, when she was seeing boyfriend number 1, she decided she wanted to try to go to counseling with me and work on things. Well, it lasted one session and she was back with "him". I went to one additional session by myself several weeks later and haven't been back since. I would like to go again, with or without her. I don't think she'd be interested in going.

 

I have put effort into working on myself. I've been hanging out with friends and I have taken vacation time to go back to my hometown to spend time with family. I don't think she's putting a lot of effort into herself. After all, she has just slipped into three "relationships" in four months without even batting an eye. She doesn't just go out and date people. Instead, she picks the first guy and spends every day with him.

 

She says that she believes if we were meant to be, it will happen. Well, I agree to an extent. BUT, it's not just gonna HAPPEN! It's not like she will just fall into my lap some day and *poof*, we're back together. First off, it will take the effort on her part to come back to me and tell me that she still loves me and wants to work on things. She already knows how I feel about her....

[hark0100]

It sounds like she's not sure what she wants which is how I was for 16 months, tried to work things out a couple times and I went back to the other relationship I had. It took me some time to realize things I went to counselling for 3 months and the counsellor never dove in to find out what the real problem was. She might just need some space and some time to figure it out as I did. As hard as that is that might be the course of action if she isnt willing to work on the relationship as It takes commitment on both parts. Are you on talking terms and can you go out together? If so maybe you might want to consider taking her out to a really nice restaurant and a dozen flowers. If you are going to do it go all out show her how much you care chivilry goes a long way. I wish you the best of luck.

[Yeti]

the problem here is that you two are living together still... in order for the two of you to really start seeing other people and start getting over each other, you are going to need seperation. seeing each other everyday isn't going to help this. neither one of you sound like you were ready for a commitment.

 

- Yeti

[dgruebele]

Actually, if you read a couple of posts ago, you'll see that she has already moved out. She called me on Thursday and wanted to hang out. I told her that I already had plans and that I was hanging out with a friend. Besides, I asked her why she wasn't with her "boyfriend"? She said that he was out with the guys and that she wanted something to do. I explained to her that I wasn't going to be her fall back to hang out with at the last minute when her other friends had plans. I told her that I would hang out with her another time if she planned it in advance. I felt liked she was just trying to use me to entertain her while her "boyfriend" was out and then when he got home she would just leave and go back to him. It's not fair and I won't subject myself to that.

[dgruebele]

Well, it's been a long road. She moved out at the beginning of September and a buddy of mine moved in at the beginning of October. Since she moved out, I have not called her. She calls about every two weeks and wants to go out for lunch. The minute I bring up "us", she flips out and tells me to stop pushing her and give her time! Give her time?? Stop pushing her?? I'm not the one calling her or contacting her. She called two weeks ago and wanted to come over and hang out. I said ok. She came over and told me that she wanted to work on our friendship and possibly more. I asked if she was still with bf #3 and she said no. She said they were never really together, just "friends". They decided to continue to be just "friends". Well, we talked about somethings that have been bothering her and I thougth things were going well. But, something was strange. She was way too indecisive and kept backpeddling everytime she got close to telling me she cared about me or wanted to work it out. I told her I didn't want to go back and forth over this and that she should probably leave. I walked her to the door, gave her hug, and that's it! I haven't heard from her in two weeks. The disturbing part is that I talked to a mutual friend last week and he said that she's been living with this guy for the past two months!! He told me that the she was able to come over to visit me because he was out of town. It makes sense! For about two weeks she was calling me every couple days. I don't think she's happy there, I thinks she's moving too fast, and I think she's having second thoughts. My friend told me that she is in a serious relationship, but her actions contradict that. Anyway, my B-day is coming up in about a week and a half and if she follows her usual pattern, she'll be calling between now and then. My question now is what do I say to her?? I don't want to tell her that I know she is living with someone, because I'm not supposed to know. But, I'm furious at her for lying to me!! I honestly am getting tired of hearing her lies and I can't even look at her straight in the face!! No matter what happens, I still love her and I don't want to see her make mistakes she can't take back. I guess if she calls I'm going to tell her that I'm upset with her, don't want to talk right now, and that anything she wants to say to me...she can write in a letter. What do you guys think??

[midori]

Originally posted by dgruebele

My question now is what do I say to her?? I don't want to tell her that I know she is living with someone, because I'm not supposed to know. But, I'm furious at her for lying to me!! I honestly am getting tired of hearing her lies and I can't even look at her straight in the face!! No matter what happens, I still love her and I don't want to see her make mistakes she can't take back. I guess if she calls I'm going to tell her that I'm upset with her, don't want to talk right now, and that anything she wants to say to me...she can write in a letter. What do you guys think??

 

I don't blame you for being angry. But you can't prevent her from making mistakes. She'll make them regardless of what you say or do -- she's on her own trajectory.

 

I think your idea is the next best thing to just ignoring her. That would be the best, even if it meant you had to spurn numerous phone calls, emails, spontaneous visits. I think you need to get this girl out of your life because she's not being straightforward and honest with you or with her boyfriend. This is just silly. She's clearly got problems, but no matter how much you love her they're not your problems. She needs to take care of them on her own, if and when and how she will. Until she does, she's not a good person to have in your life in any capacity.

 

Don't kid yourself: you do her no good, despite your good intentions. Some people need to go through losing good people in their lives before they realize that they cannot carry on as they have been. Your goal shouldn't be to teach her any lessons or show her anything at all. You just need to recognize that she does you no good and cannot benefit from having you in her life. You need to close that door.

[dgruebele]

Midori,

 

Thanks for the feedback! I have thought very similar thoughts, but it's nice to hear it from others. It validates the point that much more! This board has been an excellent place to release frustration and to gain knowledge. Thanks to everyone for posting replies to me!

 

In recent news, my ex's stepsister called my house today looking for her. Apparently she didn't know that my ex had moved out and is living with someone. Her stepsister (F), was very polite. I told her that I didn't know how to get ahold of my ex. F asked me if I had my ex's mother's number and I said I had to find it, but I would get back to her with it. It was kinda cool because we continued to talk and she said that she couldn't believe that her sister was letting me go because I was one of the sweetest people she knew and that I was the best BF that my ex had ever had. It was really nice to hear that from someone. She also said that her sister has a tendency to mess up even some of the best things. She was so sweet. She said she was going to be in town for two weeks training for her job and she'd like to see me and catch up. I told her that maybe we could have lunch.

 

Well, I'm calling F back tommorrow with the ex's mother's phone number. I would like to see F, but not sure if it's a good idea. I know what some may be thinking...the answer is no....there is no attraction between me and F. She was always a member of my ex's family that I enjoyed spending time with and would like to remain friends with her. What does eveyone think? Can I still maintain a friendship with a member of my ex's family??

[Arabess]

Originally posted by dgruebele

I came back, I told my fiance about what happened. She said she would forgive me and take me back. I was confused and said that I wasn't sure that I could work things out. In the mean time, I kept in contact with the other girl.

 

It seems to me your original girlfriend's feelings weren't your priority until you thought you would lose her to another guy.......EVEN THOUGH....you maintained contact with the second girl.

 

I think it is your pride....not your heart....leading you.

 

SURE....you want her back NOW! However, how long will your loyalty last? If you had a "fling"....well....okay. But you had a relationship with someone else.....and admitted you still stayed in contact with her even after you confessed!

 

You played two women and are upset you are left with neither one? It sounds to me like the women you chose are wiser than you were.

[dgruebele]

Whoa There! You're going all the way back to my original post! Who said that I want her back, NOW? And how do you know that I'm upset that I'm "left" with neither one. How do you that I couldn't be with one of them if I chose to? I'm not saying that I haven't been, selfish, indicisive, and made some bad decisions....but you are assuming a lot and it doesn't sound like you followed all of the posts through to the end.

[dgruebele]

Do me a favor? If anyone decides to post a reply, would you be so kind as to read my postings from beginning to end before making assumptions? Or at least read the first, maybe one in the middle, and the most recent. This thread has spaned several months and my attitudes and beliefs, I hope, are beginning to move into a more positive direction. I appreciate the advise and it has helped me to make some changes!

[dgruebele]

Well, I made it to my 25th b-day last Saturday without a call from her! It's been about a month since I've heard anything from her. As much as I'd like to know if she's ok, I know that she's no longer my concern. I started dating someone and she came out with me on my b-day, along with my roomate, his girl, and a good friend of mine. I had the most fun that I've had in a long time. I not really sure if this new girl is exactly what I'm looking for, but she's fun and has a great personality. I'm just glad that I'm getting to the point where I can be happy with myself. I hope my ex is doing well and has made choices that she will be happy with. As much as I love her, I hope that she doesn't come back in the near future and say, "I Love You, let's work it out". I'm really not ready for that. Maybe someday our paths will cross, but till then................

[dgruebele]

Well, made it through my b-day....x-mas....and New Years without any contact.

 

Today I was getting onto the elevator on the fifth floor of the parking ramp at work. I was on the phone talking to my mother. The only person on the elevator, and suddenly it stops at the third floor........and who is waiting? My Ex! I swear to God she mouthed, "oh ****"....and didn't even realize it. I paid no attention and kept talking on the phone. She turned to select the second floor and the whole time had a sinister grin on her face. When she was getting off the elevator, she turned back, made eye contact, and gave me this half-assed "wave". I just nodded my head and proceeded talking.

 

Anyway, it was kind of a ****ty way to start my day. She was in her work uniform, so apparently she is working some extra hours. What pisses me off is that she said she would pay me back for all the money she spent on my credit cards and said she was giving me the engagement ring back by December! She's trying to hide and seemed very shocked when she saw me. It really stressed me out to see her today!

[NotaBadGuy]

Dgruebele,

 

I just read the complete history of your post. Pretty interesting to see the progression of your situation. It is good to see that you have moved on in your life for the most part. I do not know what I would do at this point in time if I saw my ex. It would probbaly be tough. My sitution is not the smae as your but has similar qualities. Married in May, wife started seeing another guy 4 months later, filed for divorce last month. She is making some unwise choices in her life as it seemed your ex chose to do. Tough road to travel, but I see myself progress more an more every day. That is what interested me about your post - the current updates. You seem to still care about your ex but at the same time have moved on with your life? At what point were you able to recognize that you had overcome that main obstacle to moving on? I know it is only a matter of time before I see my ex (soon to be). I avoid going out right now because I do not want to run into her or or new guy. But at the same time, that is no way to live either. I made it through the holidays with no contact from her and with a little bit of self redemption myself. What emotions encompased your mind when and after your saw your ex? Did the whole situation knock you off your feet or were you able to say to your self that it wasn't that bad even though it seemed to bother you? How about the girl you were dating in the earlier post - still with her? Did your feelings for your ex affect that relationship at all? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to figure things out myself.

[dgruebele]

I do still care a lot about my ex. For me, it was just a matter of recognizing that it was, in fact, over. She would never come out and say that she was completely done ever trying to work on things. She kinda held me in the background because I was so desperately trying to get back together with her. I finally had to make the decision, myself, to move on. I haven't completely reached my goal, but hope to soon.

 

When I saw my ex first step on to the elevator...I was shocked, but didn't show it. I continued to talk on the phone. When I saw her standing by the buttons with a smirk on her face, it made me angry. Like, I'm broke because of you...what the hell could you possibly think is funny? She then walked off a gave me a weak 'lil wave. After the situation I couldn't help but feel anger and resentment. I knew I'd see her again, but I didn't imagine it to happen that way. And I don't avoid going out just because I may run into her. I live in a large enough city that It's not highly probable that we would cross paths at a bar or restaurant.

 

I'm not sure which girl you are refering to. The original one, where the break-up started? Well, actually, we still talk on the phone. But, she lives about 8,000 miles away. I've dated a couple girls since the break-up, and it's been good for me. But, I'm not really ready for another committment.

[mandrews1119]

It sounds like she is confused, and needs to do some maturing. Question: would you allow her back into your life at this stage? what do you think the two of you may need to do to make it better if you could?

[dgruebele]

At this stage, it'd be really hard to break down and let her back in. There would have to be so many factors that would have to be in place.

 

I'd have to know for CERTAIN, that she is not with anyone. And I don't believe starting at square one is exactly the answer. We couldn't go from a three year, committed, intimate, living together, being engaged - relationship....to starting back as "friends". I would expect a level of committment right from the beginning.

 

Some other factors include: finances. Would she be able to hold up her end of the bargain? Even after we broke up she said she would pay for things she owes me. Hasn't happened!

 

Another thing along the same lines is...her engagement ring and mine. She has them both and said she would return them by December, whether we were together or not. She told me they meant a lot to her and it would be hard for her to part with them. However, I've heard that she pawned 'em. Honestly, if that's truely the case and she blew the money on god knows what...I'd have a really hard time trusting her again.

 

I'm the type of person who believes every problem has a solution, some more difficult than others. I don't believe our case is any different. It's just a matter of finding the right solution. With a little work, maybe some counseling, a true committment and appreciation of one another...anything is possible! However, there has to be an understanding and a true will to succeed on both sides.