ator Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 Hey all, Here's the low down: A few years ago I was seeing this woman who was married. It lasted a few months and I liked her a lot, but I could never reconcile that she was married. The whole time we were going out, dating I felt very bad and guilty. And, I think she did too, but we didn't really talk about it that much (kinda like we were avoiding it... ya know?) Finally, her husband finds out and they begin to have problems. At this point I had had enough of the guilt and sneaking around. Her husband (after the initial anger) wanted to try and work things out with her and said he forgave her. And, I don't think she was too sure either that she wanted a divorce. I thought the best thing to do would be to let her go and let them try to work things out, or at least try. I decided not to call her anymore, or be in contact with her. After we bumped into each other a few times, I found out that she seemed to be doing alright. At first, they were trying to work things out, etc. But, now almost three years later, I found out that she divorced a year ago. Should I try and contact her? I think she really got pissed that I didn't want to be in the middle of their break-up (probably too late for that - I know.) But, I have to ask. I really liked her and we had a good mutual attraction. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 No need to contact her. You were only comic relief for her. If she had a flame for you, she would have contacted you after her divorce. Basically, she was using you as a diversion...a distraction...and to convince herself that her marriage was pretty much down the tubes. Having done an excellent job of that, I think she at least owes you a nice dinner...or a gift certificate for same. But let her call you when she's ready for that. Leave her alone and go find a healthy relationship with someone who's not all screwed up. And work on yourself and get deep into the reasons you would get entangled with a married woman in the first place. Oh, an by the way, you can't "date" married women as you wrote. You can only let them have affairs with you if you're so inclined. Just wanted to make that clear so you know for your future "dating" experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
jeannie_mcbeal Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 You have done the right thing by stepping back, although not right for "dating" her. If she cannot understand this, and is mad at you for that, I don't think she is worth your time and love. Link to post Share on other sites
jeannie_mcbeal Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 You know what, after thinking, I feel there may be a possibility that after she has lost her husband due to the affair, she grieves for her loss and may "hate" the affair. Therefore, she did not call you after her divorce because she doesn't want to have anymore dealings with you. That's what I went through personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ator Posted June 28, 2003 Author Share Posted June 28, 2003 The thing is, she did try and get in contact with me a while later, but I started seeing someone else and didn't want my shameful actions to interfere with the new relationship. I was very embarrassed by what I had done so I avoided the married woman for fear that it would complicate my new relationship. All the while I missed her, but stuck to my guns about not being in contact with the married woman. So, I guess my question now is about the point that jeannie_mcbeal brought up: Is it more possible that she hates me now, rather than understands my decision not to be in contact? Because if she is mad, I agree with Jeannie and wouldn't explore it. But is it worth it to try and explain what happened from my point of view? I mean I really tried to correct my mistake, I didn't mean to hurt her if I did, but her husband was involved, their bond, etc. That was more important and bigger than our affair. Wouldn't she understand that even if she were mad? Link to post Share on other sites
jeannie_mcbeal Posted June 29, 2003 Share Posted June 29, 2003 If you truly still love her, why not ask her your doubts? Both of you are single and free now, so might as well get your feelings and questions across. She may be mad at you because she has given up her husband for you, but YOU moved on rather quickly by seeing someone else. How is she supposed to feel about that? You may have seen this other person in the hope of their marriage would work out, and you will have a new relationship and all's well, but to her, she didn't mean anything to you for you to move on so quickly while she's struggling back home. Therefore, I think you really need to sit down and think whether you do love her. And also, if ever you two are together, would you be able to handle people talking behind your back, about you being the third party and breaking up a marriage (gathering from what you said that her husband found out). If yes, then go ahead and talk to her. Get your message across. As I don't really know how she feels regarding this whole issue, I cannot guarantee that she will welcome you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ator Posted June 30, 2003 Author Share Posted June 30, 2003 jeannie_mcbeal thank you. those are exactly the things I was thinking, but somehow it's refreshing to hear it from another person - and someone who has been through something similar, but from the other perspective. I think it would bring about a lot of difficult emotions for her. At least that is my fear. I don't want to be totally blamed for what happened. It was a mutual decision to do what we did - why is it so much easier to be angry toward me for it? If this is even how she will react... I suspect that if she is mad it is because she may have felt abandoned. Which adds to the problem. Would she ever trust me to stick around? And I have to ask myself, if something did get serious, would SHE stick around (having cheated before?) Meanwhile, time ticks on and I feel like I should do something. jeannie_mcbeal, if it isn't too much, could you give me a little more info on how you dealt with things? How you feel now, then, about the whole affair, etc? Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
jeannie_mcbeal Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 It is very different for my case as I only grieve for the loss of my partner, not the lover. If I could turn back time, I would never have done anything to hurt my partner like that. Therefore, I hate the affair and don't want to have any more dealings with the "lover". I don't feel for him or think about him anymore, only my ex-partner. I don't hate him, because like what you said, it was a mutual thing, but I hate the affair. For my huge mistake, I am now living in misery and loneliness. I am paying for a terribly high price for what I've done. As I really have no idea what she is mad about (there are many possibilities), the best bet for you is to talk to her about it. Who knows, maybe she doesn't even want to have any more dealings with you too? But if it's not the case, then I think you also have some issues which you have to resolve. I sense your fear that she may cheat on you too since she has done it before. Do you honestly feel that there is no one else whom you can love other than her? Why don't you contact her, and go on a few dates, talk as friends, and see how things progress? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ator Posted July 1, 2003 Author Share Posted July 1, 2003 jeannie_mcbeal, Thanks for sharing your experience and sound advice. You've given me some things to ponder. I'll really think on it a little more before I contact her (or not.) Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
jeannie_mcbeal Posted July 2, 2003 Share Posted July 2, 2003 Good luck with whatever decisions you're going to make. Link to post Share on other sites
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