Pikaia Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Hi all, My bf and I have been dating for 1 year on Feb. 25th. We have a good, loving, healthy relationship. We try to talk out our issues whenever possible, and we are concerned about eachother's feelings and needs. About six months ago, he got in touch with an old crush over the internet. I was uncomfortable from the moment he started talking to her, but he assured me nothing would become of it. He started talking to her almost everyday and he ended up visiting her and sharing a kiss. He developed feelings for her and it put our entire relationship into jeopardy. I was devastated. For a month we were in limbo trying to figure out a solution. He ended up coming back to me. We have since worked out everything and I do believe he is truly sorry. We've spend these last six months working on our relationship together. Building trust back and we have become so much stronger because of it. The only problem I have is my jealousy issue. I find it hard to cope with him giving ANY female attention but me. He has a few female friends that he has talked with for years and even they make me a bit uneasy. I am attempting to start a relationship with one of them, and things are getting better. Still though, I can't help but feel a jealous twinge when he IM's them. He has assure me time and time again he won't ever make that mistake again. He realizes he messed up BIG TIME. I try very hard to believe him. There is another issue that I ran into last night- yet again. Everytime this comes up it causes a problem for about a day and then I forget and move on. He keeps every single picture of his exes. Including nudes. There was one girl he had a fling with and he took about 3000 nude and model photos of her. He never lied to me that he had these pictures. Even at the start of our relationship, he told me it happened and that he had the pictures. It hurt me then and it still hurts me to this day. My boyfriend is somewhat of a photographer and he has the belief that he will NEVER delete any picture he has taken- unless it's blurry or corrupted, etc. He has told me from day 1, he will NOT change that one thing about himself. When we got into an argument about it last night and I told him how much it bothers me.. he told me he doesn't look at the photos, but they are precious memories to him and he always wants to have that choice to remember. These pictures don't affect our relationship in any way, he never looks at them (I believe him), I hardly even think about them unless he mentions his portable hard drive or says something to remind me of it. We talked about this for a long while last night and I feel like everything is resolved for the moment, but I don't want this happening again. I have to get rid of these jealous feelings. He has been nothing but 100% loving, supportive and a super boyfriend since this has all happened.. I don't want to hurt our relationship by being jealous and passive agressive. Do you have any advice or has anyone been in a similiar situation? Link to post Share on other sites
pinkrazr Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 I have much of the same issues... Except my boyfriend doesn't have pictures of his exes.... I don't think. My boyfriend has or HAD a bunch of female friends. When he started dating me, like anyone does. he kinda lost touch. I asked him to bring them out with us sometime.. just to at least meet these people. and he always says he doesnt talk to them But hes constantly IM'ing them. He told me once he doesnt want me to meet them because i'm "overbearing" and a "loose cannon". so he'd rather hide me I guess.... but he is right. I cant help but compare myself to the other girls. everywhere. My boyfriend always tells me "if I didnt like you, i wouldnt be dating you for 2 years" . in my mind, I'm scared the girl thats better than me Is going to show up in his life, and hes going to leave. because I'm a mess. and constantly upset about other girls. He used to put our pic up on his IM before. now he doesnt. when i asked him to, he flipped and told me i'm insecure and hes not doing it. I dunno if this is both of us. or if it is just me. But I seem to be stuck in the past from my old hurtful relationships. and cant help but feel like every man is a dog eventually. ARGH!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Pikaia, you have to decide to trust him, if you want to stay with him. Personally, any guy who pulled that one on me, would see my behind for the last time, walking out the door. Here's an idea. If he's serious about making a go of this, he can move the pics to a portable USB hard drive and give them to you for safekeeping. This way, the memories have been retained...but...in your control. If he never looks at them, what use are they on his existing hard drive? You should also be given the option to be the one to delete all the pics. pinkrazr, this is a BIG RED FLAG! Either he does the intro or he can be a free man, to IM whomever he wants, whenever he wants. Ladies, don't let these guys run roughshod over your needs. You matter too. Link to post Share on other sites
pinkrazr Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Thanks Trial I have a more in depth story of whats going on, I just posted it on here. called "am I off my Freakin Rocker?!!" I could really use some insight! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Oh geez.... I agree- I'd be out the door if my SO kissed another woman- and never forgive him. Hun, you have a reason to feel upset. I don't think it's your jealousy issues that is the problem. It's his inability to have a little bit of respect for you. What could he possibly use any of those photos for? Is he a professional? Is he going to publish them? This is not a jealousy issue on your part- it's a control issue on his part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pikaia Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 Thank you for all your replies! Trialbyfire- I don't think he would go for that idea, because he's afraid I'll look at the pictures. If I REALLY wanted to see them, I'm sure he would show me, but he knows I'd probably be even more upset if I actually viewed them. I know some of the pics are of them having sex... D-Lish- No, he is not a professional photographer. He just gets turned on by taking erotic photos. No, he won't publish them. He doesn't have the girl's permission to do so and I believe (not quite 100% sure) that she asked him to delete the pictures when they stopped talking. When we broke up six months ago, due to him kissing another girl, I asked him to delete mine and he didn't do so. It made me very uneasy when I found out later on he didn't follow my wishes. But again, he never deletes a picture. I sometimes believe that if I gave him an ultimadium of deleting the pictures or losing me, he would pick the pictures. This saddens me deeply. The one point I tried to make to him, most of these girls- including the one he took 3000 pictures of, broke his heart. They broke up with him in the most horrible way, but he insists on keeping these photos. I would think it would hurt to have such a reminder of someone who treated you so badly, but that's just me. I do not believe he is living in the past. He told me that one other reason he keeps those 3000 pics is because they are a sort of conquest in his eyes. She was the first "hot" girl he had ever been with. All of his other girls were not very attractive and overweight. I couldn't believe he told me that.. It kinda disturbs me that he thinks that way. He says it's a "man thing" and every guy feels that way.... ugh.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pikaia Posted February 18, 2008 Author Share Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) I hope everyone had a nice weekend.. My bf and I basically argued off and on throughout the whole thing. Friday night started off good, I made some dinner and we were eating and having a good time. He got into contact with another past female friend earlier in the week and asked if it would be alright if we went to an event this summer with her. I felt pretty good about her, so I said yeah.. that sounds like fun. He was trying to make sure I was included in the activities. Then a little later, I find out that she is one of his past flings!!! He slept with her a couple of years ago. He never told me this, I figured it out by myself. I saw she had three kids and ended up connecting the dots. I was shocked and hurt again. We got into an argument, because I'm so scared of the same thing happening again. Things just escalated from there all weekend. He is defintely not a bad guy, in fact this sunday I helped my ex-boyfriend move out of his house and my current boyfriend decided to help. It's weird- I know. My ex boyfriend is moving out of the country in three weeks. He and I have been close ever since we broke up last year. I kinda felt like an a** helping him move, but he didn't have anyone else. So, it's not like my current boyfriend doesn't put himself in strange situations for me or make sacrifices himself.. because he does. He is truly a great guy, but I'm not sure how this situation should be handled.. Trust has to be built again.. Edited February 18, 2008 by Pikaia grammar mistake Link to post Share on other sites
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