Red Flag Warning :)

[johan]

The absence of red flags appears to also be a red flag.

 

http://us.lrd.yahoo.com/_ylt=Ar5I8tscumIxiWAwjb8yPDx82PAI;_ylu=X3oDMTFkcHNiZGRnBGlpZAMxNzg2NzI2NzAzMjQzODM3MjQ3MgRub2gDOQRwb3MDOARyaWQDNDAwMw--/SIG=14lodibvg/**http%3A//us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/rss/mostemailed/*http%3A//news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080212/sc_livescience/whyperfectdatesmakelousypartners

 

Any social chameleons in the house, or are we all perfectly balanced?

[SeraBella]

The absence of red flags appears to also be a red flag.

 

http://us.lrd.yahoo.com/_ylt=Ar5I8tscumIxiWAwjb8yPDx82PAI;_ylu=X3oDMTFkcHNiZGRnBGlpZAMxNzg2NzI2NzAzMjQzODM3MjQ3MgRub2gDOQRwb3MDOARyaWQDNDAwMw--/SIG=14lodibvg/**http%3A//us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/rss/mostemailed/*http%3A//news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080212/sc_livescience/whyperfectdatesmakelousypartners

 

Any social chameleons in the house, or are we all perfectly balanced?

 

 

So...perhaps we should just all give up?

[sandflea]

So...perhaps we should just all give up?

 

Yes, and buy that revolver.

 

Did we all settle? Hmm. I don't know - I don't think so. This person seemed very put together. She's certainly professionally successful, hot, athletic and has a gift for the gab, and the giggle.

 

I think, sometimes <pause, with emphasis..> it just doesn't work out. Gulp.

 

It's freaking MUCH more complicated than it should be, but it is what it is.

 

I'm still astounded that this didn't work. But hey, I guess that's why i'm posting here.

 

Damn.

 

SF

[blackbird]

...I remember thinking - "wow, he's a little fickle, but he'll come back". That was the beginning of four years of him leaving abruptly without telling me when or whether he'd be back.

 

...I remember thinking "Well he's a little bossy, isn't he." That was the beginning of four years of him correcting me constantly.

 

...I remember thinking "Wow, he sure does have a lot to say." That was the beginning of four years of it always being about him.

 

Red flags or red herrings? No one is perfect. I'd caution people to not mistake all-too-human imperfections for red flags. The real red flag for me is when a person is inflexible and incapable of change. I'm not talking about not changing themselves in order to please their partner, but that they are unwilling at least to take part in a continual process of growth, for themselves as well as for the strength of the relationship.

 

CJ, when I read what you posted above, I wondered: you thought it, but did you say it to him, in a constructive, communicative, loving manner? Did you tell him about how it bothered you when he corrected you, or left abruptly, how those things made you feel? How much did you allow him to understand how you felt, and how much of a chance did you give him to try to change?

 

I'm needy and insecure sometimes. I'm bitchy sometimes. I'm overly emotional sometimes. I'm manipulative and controlling sometimes. I think if my fiance was looking for red flags, he'd have found plenty in me by now, and vice versa, and we could both walk away and hope for better luck next time. But our tactic has been to try to talk about these things in ourselves and each other and to try to work through them with each other, and somehow we're able to work through them better together than apart; both of us have made leaps of growth we may not have made so well otherwise. Of course this only works when both parties are willing.

[CalamitousJane]

CJ, when I read what you posted above, I wondered: you thought it, but did you say it to him, in a constructive, communicative, loving manner? Did you tell him about how it bothered you when he corrected you, or left abruptly, how those things made you feel? How much did you allow him to understand how you felt, and how much of a chance did you give him to try to change?

 

.......our tactic has been to try to talk about these things in ourselves and each other and to try to work through them with each other, and somehow we're able to work through them better together than apart; both of us have made leaps of growth we may not have made so well otherwise.

 

Of course this only works when both parties are willing.

 

Blackbird, that's a good point. At first I was too smitten to say anything out loud, and also too used to just accepting things, not rocking the boat, not asking constructively for change.

 

As time went on, I learned from him how to ask for things, how to take a stand, how to put my foot down. These abilities came naturally to him, and that was probably part of my attraction to him. At first I was clumsy and emotional about it, but as time went on I became more skillful. I worked hard on myself in the context of communicating my needs to him, and I will always be grateful for that.

 

In the end though, I was the one who was much more willing to work and to change and to stay committed to him and the relationship.

 

In my next relationship, I want to be with someone who is as willing as I am.

 

This time around I plan to say my thoughts and worries out loud, gently and constructively, right from the beginning, Hopefully I will quickly find out how willing and able my partner is.

[ninjaturtles]

mistake...to be reposted

Edited February 13, 2008 by ninjaturtles

[ninjaturtles]

Red flags or red herrings? No one is perfect. I'd caution people to not mistake all-too-human imperfections for red flags. The real red flag for me is when a person is inflexible and incapable of change. I'm not talking about not changing themselves in order to please their partner, but that they are unwilling at least to take part in a continual process of growth, for themselves as well as for the strength of the relationship.

 

CJ, when I read what you posted above, I wondered: you thought it, but did you say it to him, in a constructive, communicative, loving manner? Did you tell him about how it bothered you when he corrected you, or left abruptly, how those things made you feel? How much did you allow him to understand how you felt, and how much of a chance did you give him to try to change?

 

I'm needy and insecure sometimes. I'm bitchy sometimes. I'm overly emotional sometimes. I'm manipulative and controlling sometimes. I think if my fiance was looking for red flags, he'd have found plenty in me by now, and vice versa, and we could both walk away and hope for better luck next time. But our tactic has been to try to talk about these things in ourselves and each other and to try to work through them with each other, and somehow we're able to work through them better together than apart; both of us have made leaps of growth we may not have made so well otherwise. Of course this only works when both parties are willing.

 

 

First, I agree with part of the original message in the thread. However, I also agree with the above post.

 

To be honest, no one is perfect. I am suprised to hear some of the LS'ers talk about walking away from needy people. I thought we were supposed to be the ones who were more tolerant and willing to work on relationships as opposed to walking away upon citing a fault .

I am a bit confused to say the least...lol..

 

2- I think a lot of us have been hurt in the past )thus our existence on LS) and therfore we are trying TOO HARD to be perfect for our partners. The truth is that most of the relationships that last and progress into marraige etc, are based on mutuality and accepting the other party for him or herself. I am not implying that we should over do things by being overly needy or emotional. However, most women can be needy and are needy...even if in discrete ways. Isnt it normal to show some neediness sometimes? We shouldnt try to supress all the natural urges in a relationship in a bid to be perfect partners.

 

I know women who are in successful relationships. Its not because they are far from needy etc. It is because their SO's are willing to accept them for who they are and also encouraged change positively in a bid to pave the way for long term compatibility. My point being that i think we should all slow down with these rules.

 

When the right person comes, you would not need to mind your p's ad q's...or step on eggshells. It will all feel natural.

 

PS- I am not implying that we should we overly needy or emotional etc. No. Please divorce such thoughts from your mind. I simply believe that we should endeavour to become better people (even if it means changing some of our ways) however, we should get too caught up trying to be perfect partners. Be yourself. Dont expect your partner to be perfect. No one is perfect. Each and everyone of you has 'red flags'. (simply because you are not perfect). Does that then mean you should be left?

 

Note as well, that there are some blatant signs you should not ignore. eg signs of traits that imply 'the inablity of your SO to change/compromise etc'. However i dont think that some signs of neediness warrants walking away from the relationship.

 

Good advice however. It is true to be observant at the start of a relationship. Still we should be realistic in our expectations for our partners/future relationships etc.

 

No one is perfect.

Be yourself.

Dont expect your SO to be perfect.

 

XX

 

Edited February 13, 2008 by ninjaturtles

[CaliGuy]

First, I agree with part of the original message in the thread. However, I also agree with the above post.

 

To be honest, no one is perfect. I am suprised to hear some of the LS'ers talk about walking away from needy people. I thought we were supposed to be the ones who were more tolerant and willing to work on relationships as opposed to walking away upon citing a fault .

I am a bit confused to say the least...lol..

 

I agree, there should be tolerance. The point of this thread is to not be so blinded by lust or desire that you dismiss the warning signs of an incompatible (Notice I didn't say "BAD") person. Being needy/clingy may or may not be a bad sign. I think in my experiences they have been negative. What I am simply saying is take NOTE and HEED the red flags. Don't dismiss them immediately but take them into serious consideration when evaluating someone as a long term partner.

 

2- I think a lot of us have been hurt in the past )thus our existence on LS) and therfore we are trying TOO HARD to be perfect for our partners. The truth is that most of the relationships that last and progress into marraige etc, are based on mutuality and accepting the other party for him or herself. I am not implying that we should over do things by being overly needy or emotional. However, most women can be needy and are needy...even if in discrete ways. Isnt it normal to show some neediness sometimes? We shouldnt try to supress all the natural urges in a relationship in a bid to be perfect partners.

 

I agree to a point but also when one fails in a relationship they should take it as a learning experience and strive to avoid the mistakes of the past and use the failure as motivation for self-improvement. You can not control other people. The only thing you have complete control over is yourself.

 

I also want to add the definition of insanity is "Doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time." If you are finding yourself failing, relationship after relationship, it's time to take a self-inventory and figure out what YOU need to do to improve. If being needy or clingy is pushing people away, that needs to be addressed. If you find yourself constantly attracting needy/clingy people, why is that? If you find yourself constantly with users or abusers, there are underlying factors within one's self that is driving you towards these people.

 

If you want to make a chance in your life and have a chance at a successful relationship, it starts with "self" first.

 

I know women who are in successful relationships. Its not because they are far from needy etc. It is because their SO's are willing to accept them for who they are and also encouraged change positively in a bid to pave the way for long term compatibility. My point being that i think we should all slow down with these rules.

 

I don't disagree with being compassionate and understanding. What I am simply saying is we don't control other people and we shouldn't get to the point where we are enablers or self-practicing psychologist.

 

When the right person comes, you would not need to mind your p's ad q's...or step on eggshells. It will all feel natural.

 

Agreed. But I also think you won't nearly have the number of red flags going off and ignoring them as we often do when lust/desire is the main driving force behind the relationship.

 

PS- I am not implying that we should we overly needy or emotional etc. No. Please divorce such thoughts from your mind. I simply believe that we should endeavour to become better people (even if it means changing some of our ways) however, we should get too caught up trying to be perfect partners. Be yourself. Dont expect your partner to be perfect. No one is perfect. Each and everyone of you has 'red flags'. (simply because you are not perfect). Does that then mean you should be left?

 

Yes, we all have red flags. I for one see needy/clingy behavior as a sign of insecurity. Insecurity as you know can drive people to do some really weird things. Things that in the long haul will most definitely deteriorate a relationship.

 

Note as well, that there are some blatant signs you should not ignore. eg signs of traits that imply 'the inablity of your SO to change/compromise etc'. However i dont think that some signs of neediness warrants walking away from the relationship.

 

On the contrary, I do. From personal experience on BOTH sides of the needy/clingy debate. I have been both and I have personally seen how it destroys relationships. Remember, you can not fix other people. You can be compassionate and understanding but in the end, it is the needy/clingy person that must do something to fix themselves.

 

Good advice however. It is true to be observant at the start of a relationship. Still we should be realistic in our expectations for our partners/future relationships etc.

 

Being realistic is the main reason I posted this thread.

[PinkRibbon]

My husband had a lot of red flags. Heck he was a whole darn flag squad but I guess I was of the frame of mind that I would take the red flag and paint pretty flowers on it and then it wouldn't be a red flag anymore. Guess that didn't work so next time when someone comes running at me with a red flag I will run also instead of just accepting that as part of thier personality.

 

And BTW I am smart, have a good job, fun and rather attractive but the problem I see and even on here is the men all want to date women 8-15 years younger than them. How is a woman not supposed to develop some form of a complex??? I mean how many men who partners have dumped them all dated women much younger than them? Makes a woman my age feel suddenly very old and out dated and I am not even 40. So I guess I have a huge red flag of my own.

[ninjaturtles]

My husband had a lot of red flags. Heck he was a whole darn flag squad but I guess I was of the frame of mind that I would take the red flag and paint pretty flowers on it and then it wouldn't be a red flag anymore. Guess that didn't work so next time when someone comes running at me with a red flag I will run also instead of just accepting that as part of thier personality.

 

And BTW I am smart, have a good job, fun and rather attractive but the problem I see and even on here is the men all want to date women 8-15 years younger than them. How is a woman not supposed to develop some form of a complex??? I mean how many men who partners have dumped them all dated women much younger than them? Makes a woman my age feel suddenly very old and out dated and I am not even 40. So I guess I have a huge red flag of my own.

 

 

This is a problem my older friends cope with.

 

I honestly believe that most women feel this way. There is nothing that can be done about it. There is always that fear of being left for a younger woman. I think men made women this way.lol.

 

On a more serious note though, they leave us with so much baggage and fear which is carried into the next relationship (if there is one).

[ninjaturtles]

 

I also want to add the definition of insanity is "Doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time." If you are finding yourself failing, relationship after relationship, it's time to take a self-inventory and figure out what YOU need to do to improve. If being needy or clingy is pushing people away, that needs to be addressed. If you find yourself constantly attracting needy/clingy people, why is that? If you find yourself constantly with users or abusers, there are underlying factors within one's self that is driving you towards these people.

 

If you want to make a chance in your life and have a chance at a successful relationship, it starts with "self" first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the contrary, I do. From personal experience on BOTH sides of the needy/clingy debate. I have been both and I have personally seen how it destroys relationships. Remember, you can not fix other people. You can be compassionate and understanding but in the end, it is the needy/clingy person that must do something to fix themselves.

 

 

 

Being realistic is the main reason I posted this thread.

 

I agree with what you wrote. Words of wisdom indeed. To be honest, I have had 2 relationships end abruptly. You are right that insecurity pushes people to do certain things. I never did anything insane and never would, but I was a bit insecure in these two relationships. They gave me reasons to be. One of them was secretly messaging someone he had been involved with in the past. Actually two people he had been involved with in the past. One of them was not responding whilst the other was very friendly and...encouraging.

 

Anyway, I am not the type to put the blame on others. I know I can be insecure, but its only because of the disappointments’ I have been through in the past.

 

]I will definitely try not to be 'insane'.lol I.e do the same things over and over again and expect different results. However, I must add that I don’t think any of these young boys were ready for anything deep and intense. Eg deep meaningful conversations etc. I don't know about you but I am not ready for superficial relationships anymoreAnyway, this is a but rambly, but I have picked up some advice

 

I will try to be confident… but its hard. I think confidence in someone can only be built with time . The way your SO behaves also adds to it. I cant base trust on thin air, so its really hard to trust someone I have been dating for say 5 or 6 months. Then I get a bit insecure and then their true colours/intentions start coming out and they take off. Leaving wondering 'what wrong with me'?

 

I don't think I am unreasonable by any standards. I just wonder why this keeps happening. I mean the guys being so interested in me. Doing all the chasing etc. We start to date, move into a relationship and then after a while, when the honey moon period fades and the realities of a relationship start to show, they take off

 

I will ask God for guidance in the future. I am honestly tired of this dating game

 

Happy vals day everyone. Spend it with someone who loves you...doesn’t have to be romantic love

Edited February 14, 2008 by ninjaturtles

[blackbird]

I agree, there should be tolerance. The point of this thread is to not be so blinded by lust or desire that you dismiss the warning signs of an incompatible (Notice I didn't say "BAD") person. Being needy/clingy may or may not be a bad sign. I think in my experiences they have been negative. What I am simply saying is take NOTE and HEED the red flags. Don't dismiss them immediately but take them into serious consideration when evaluating someone as a long term partner.

I agree with you. Don't dismiss the red flags because you're so blinded by the new-relationship high. The only thing I have to add is, don't assume those red flags are permanent without talking to them about it first. And don't assume that those red flags mean exactly what you think they mean.

 

For example, if someone displays X behavior that you find inconsiderate, and you see this as a red flag, perhaps they do not realize this means they seem inconsiderate to you at all, and if you spoke about it, you would 1) realize that what you assumed was a red flag was more a miscommunication, and 2) they might stop X behavior, if they found it reasonable to do so.

[sandflea]

I agree with you. Don't dismiss the red flags because you're so blinded by the new-relationship high. The only thing I have to add is, don't assume those red flags are permanent without talking to them about it first. And don't assume that those red flags mean exactly what you think they mean.

 

For example, if someone displays X behavior that you find inconsiderate, and you see this as a red flag, perhaps they do not realize this means they seem inconsiderate to you at all, and if you spoke about it, you would 1) realize that what you assumed was a red flag was more a miscommunication, and 2) they might stop X behavior, if they found it reasonable to do so.

 

I agree with this. Basically - be prepared to COMMUNICATE!

 

Having said that - if the behavior goes against your core values, or if you find that you're compromising something that you normally wouldn't negotiate - then yeah - it's a deal breaker.

 

SF

[Haohmaru]

My husband had a lot of red flags. Heck he was a whole darn flag squad but I guess I was of the frame of mind that I would take the red flag and paint pretty flowers on it and then it wouldn't be a red flag anymore. Guess that didn't work so next time when someone comes running at me with a red flag I will run also instead of just accepting that as part of thier personality.

 

And BTW I am smart, have a good job, fun and rather attractive but the problem I see and even on here is the men all want to date women 8-15 years younger than them. How is a woman not supposed to develop some form of a complex??? I mean how many men who partners have dumped them all dated women much younger than them? Makes a woman my age feel suddenly very old and out dated and I am not even 40. So I guess I have a huge red flag of my own.

 

Well, the way I see it, women get their teens and 20s to be in charge. That's when most guys are made to feel like the grittle in the bottom of the barrel.

 

A guy, if he does what he's supposed to, gets his 30s and 40s to be in charge. That's just the way it is, and hell, it's the way it should be. And anybody who says a 32 year old dating an 18 year old is wrong, is either a. a guy who can't afford the 18 year old, or b. an older woman.

 

After that everybody gets old and undesirable and gives up on sex and everything is all good.

[starrynight]

When the right person comes, you would not need to mind your p's ad q's...or step on eggshells. It will all feel natural.

 

Anyone who believes the quote above: good luck being single the rest of your life. Or divorced. Or completely lacking communication with your alleged partner in life.

 

The older you get the more differences there are to have. Even while young, if you're being honest, there WILL be differences. There WILL be terms thrown about that are perceived defined/differently betwixt the two of you, and you WILL need to mind your P's and Q's (at least somewhat) while you talk about such things.

 

Sure, one hopes you get to a point where you don't have to mind P's and Q's... but everyone's P's and Q's are differerent, and at the VERY least... you have to find out what those things are.

[dfreeman]

There's a name for guys that walk on eggshells in their own house...

 

Pussies!

 

 

Just coming from a relationship where a woman tried to snip me for 5 years, I think I speak from experience. I am proud that I chose to be a jerk instead - it cost me my relationship with this woman, but I didn't lose my dignity or self-respect. If I would have watched my Ps & Qs and married her, I would have been miserable for much much longer than this healing period I am going through right now.

 

I believe in mutual respect and adoration, but I will never buy a house with a woman that has her red flags again! Total bait and switch on me...as soon as we signed the loan and moved in, the anger and controlling behavior came gushing out. I have been told my whole life how kind, patient and considerate I am toward others (especially so by past girlfriends) and I just spent the last two years morphing into a mean and negative a-hole

 

I woulda given her the world - just not my stones!

[sandflea]

There's a name for guys that walk on eggshells in their own house...

 

Pussies!

 

 

Just coming from a relationship where a woman tried to snip me for 5 years, I think I speak from experience. I am proud that I chose to be a jerk instead - it cost me my relationship with this woman, but I didn't lose my dignity or self-respect. If I would have watched my Ps & Qs and married her, I would have been miserable for much much longer than this healing period I am going through right now.

 

I believe in mutual respect and adoration, but I will never buy a house with a woman that has her red flags again! Total bait and switch on me...as soon as we signed the loan and moved in, the anger and controlling behavior came gushing out. I have been told my whole life how kind, patient and considerate I am toward others (especially so by past girlfriends) and I just spent the last two years morphing into a mean and negative a-hole

 

I woulda given her the world - just not my stones!

 

I just made such a decision myself, and for the very same reasons. I found that I was sitting across from someone who was very unhappy, and seemed to always believe that the world owed her something. I came to an awareness at some point that I was being swallowed (and NOT in the good way..) - and I punted. Yes, I'm the jerk too. But a free man as well.

 

FWIW - Relationships are tons of work, sacrifice, compromise and exchange. Once the honeymoon phase is over, it's all about communication, and sharing the road. If someone wants to do all of the driving, there's a problem.

 

Trust, respect, passion, tenderness, sharing, honesty, kindess and joy. These are the things that must exist to continue moving forward. If you don't have them, you might as well live alone.

 

SF

[ninjaturtles]

Anyone who believes the quote above: good luck being single the rest of your life. Or divorced. Or completely lacking communication with your alleged partner in life.

 

The older you get the more differences there are to have. Even while young, if you're being honest, there WILL be differences. There WILL be terms thrown about that are perceived defined/differently betwixt the two of you, and you WILL need to mind your P's and Q's (at least somewhat) while you talk about such things.

 

Sure, one hopes you get to a point where you don't have to mind P's and Q's... but everyone's P's and Q's are differerent, and at the VERY least... you have to find out what those things are.

 

 

I don't think you understand what I wrote. Of course people have differences! The issue is whether your SO is willing to work through those issues,walk out of the relationship instead or behave very inconsiderate and simply not care or try to change.

 

I have been in relationships were I tried too too hard to be the perfect person. It was a bit unatural. The truth is, when there is MUTUALITY in a relationship, you will not need to step on eggs shells. This is because you are not afraid your SO will walk on on you simply because you had a minor argument.

 

I read a lot about people on here, who would give anything to get back with their exes. Even if it meant putting thier exes on a pedestal.

 

I stand by my word, if a relationship is mutual, if your SO loves you the way you love him, you will have a healthy relationship. Not one based on trying so hard to please your SO, all in a bid to keep him or her.

 

Think about the closest family member to you. Maybe your brother or sister? Do you not have a natural relationship with him or her? Do you have to try so very hard to please her, or better put suck up to her. No, because you are not afraid that she will abandon you if you argue with her, Or if you make a minor mistake. Instead, she will try to sort things out, as opposed to you trying to hard to communicate/sort things out.

 

There needs to be work from both sides! It has to be mutual, if not you will find yourself very unahppy. You will try your best and NOTHING will be enough.

Edited February 15, 2008 by ninjaturtles

[ninjaturtles]

I

FWIW - Relationships are tons of work, sacrifice, compromise and exchange. Once the honeymoon phase is over, it's all about communication, and sharing the road. If someone wants to do all of the driving, there's a problem.

 

 

SF

 

 

Exactly...there has to be mutuality! One person cant do all the work. It is selfish and inconsiderate.

 

If i may ask SF, did you ever try to communicate with her? Or work things out? Or have you fallen out of love?

[sandflea]

Exactly...there has to be mutuality! One person cant do all the work. It is selfish and inconsiderate.

 

If i may ask SF, did you ever try to communicate with her? Or work things out? Or have you fallen out of love?

 

<heavy sigh> - We talked a lot about our situation - but most of the time we'd devolve into a fight. We fought about 10x as much as we made love. It was terrible.

 

Both of us are/were coming off of a divorce. I'm out about 3 years, she's out about 2. I think one of our big issues was jumping in too fast, moving in together too soon, and making a major joint investment too early (our current home). Money was a huge issue for us - as it is for most couples.

 

In the end I just realized that I couldn't spend my life with her. Realistically - I didn't see it lasting more than a couple of years anyway. It was the right decision, but it took a long, hard, terrible road to come to it.

 

Have I fallen out of love? Yes. I sleep in a different part of the house, and we avoid each other as much as possible. Of course, I'll always love her in a way - but I'm not "in love" anymore (that old chestnut). Now I'm just trying to move forward with my life...

 

No one is alone forever - at least, not if they don't want to be.

 

SF

 

http://www.lyricsdepot.com/bruce-springsteen/dry-lightning.html

[dfreeman]

FWIW - Relationships are tons of work, sacrifice, compromise and exchange. Once the honeymoon phase is over, it's all about communication, and sharing the road. If someone wants to do all of the driving, there's a problem.

 

You nailed it man - my ex was a single mom that was also tasked with taking care of her mom for the most part and was very used to being in control of everyone in her life. When it got to where she tried to talk to me like she talked to them in the house I spent $250K and spent every weekend working on, I had to say nada.

 

My only regret is that I just chose to be mean about it instead of staying the kind of person that I want to be and forcing her to get help on that bahavior.

[dfreeman]

I have been in relationships were I tried too too hard to be the perfect person. It was a bit unatural. The truth is, when there is MUTUALITY in a relationship, you will not need to step on eggs shells. This is because you are not afraid your SO will walk on on you simply because you had a minor argument.

 

I read a lot about people on here, who would give anything to get back with their exes. Even if it meant putting thier exes on a pedestal.

 

I stand by my word, if a relationship is mutual, if your SO loves you the way you love him, you will have a healthy relationship. Not one based on trying so hard to please your SO, all in a bid to keep him or her.

 

I can totally relate to nt here,

 

One of the most common things my close friends told me at the start of this break up was that I never seemed like myself when she and were together. They noticed this unnatural uneasiness (although they said it was very slight in my case) that I had and thought I constantly had to put effort in to being a certain way around her.

 

When we first broke up, I started to put her on that pedestal (doing my inventory and thinking I was a little hasty and hence too harsh at the end), but after carefull reflection, it became clear that I just wasn't being myself anymore. Funny thing is, she became unnattracted to the mean and negative guy that she turned me into I have no regrets for that because she would have become even less attracted to doormat! For that reason, I would NOT give anything to get back with my ex (namely my balls), but if she ever wants to work on her crap, I'd sure change my a-hole ways and give it another try (assuming I'm not long gone by then).

 

I totally understand (and agree with) your feelings here nt - the old saying is true...If you have to try that hard, the relationship is not worth keeping.

[CaliGuy]

I can totally relate to nt here,

 

One of the most common things my close friends told me at the start of this break up was that I never seemed like myself when she and were together. They noticed this unnatural uneasiness (although they said it was very slight in my case) that I had and thought I constantly had to put effort in to being a certain way around her.

 

When we first broke up, I started to put her on that pedestal (doing my inventory and thinking I was a little hasty and hence too harsh at the end), but after carefull reflection, it became clear that I just wasn't being myself anymore. Funny thing is, she became unnattracted to the mean and negative guy that she turned me into I have no regrets for that because she would have become even less attracted to doormat! For that reason, I would NOT give anything to get back with my ex (namely my balls), but if she ever wants to work on her crap, I'd sure change my a-hole ways and give it another try (assuming I'm not long gone by then).

 

I totally understand (and agree with) your feelings here nt - the old saying is true...If you have to try that hard, the relationship is not worth keeping.

 

My ex turned me into a mushy clingy/needy guy. Something I had never been my entire life -- but only because I LET her do that to me. Never again though.

 

If you don't respect yourself, neither will others.

If you don't love yourself, neither will others.

 

And I do think if you find yourself turning into something you're not (or don't want to be) in a relationship, it's time to take stock of that relationship and perhaps break things off to gain some self perspective.

Edited February 15, 2008 by CaliGuy