What is marriage like?

[JessieT]

I posted this question on another message board and I got some good answers but I always want more...

 

To preface the question, I grew up in the middle of an ugly marriage and I have a couple of commitment issues that I'm working with a counselor and I have been an other woman, mostly because it was a safe relationship for me. I just want a little insight and it's easier to ask strangers than people you know, I think I might get more truth this way. And I'm not knocking marriage at all, I just really don't understand it and want to.

 

Anyways, what is marriage like? I know what the storybook version is from reading but I also know that it can be the most miserable place in the world, from experience.

 

So I just want to hear about others...is it awkward if you have a fight and you have to go to sleep right next to each other? Are you really comfortable telling them things that they might not like? Do you spend lots of time with each other in the same room or do you spend lots of time doing your own thing? How is it different with kids than without? Stuff like that...

 

Thanks in advance!

[Curmudgeon]

So I just want to hear about others...is it awkward if you have a fight and you have to go to sleep right next to each other? Are you really comfortable telling them things that they might not like? Do you spend lots of time with each other in the same room or do you spend lots of time doing your own thing? How is it different with kids than without? Stuff like that...

 

When it's good there's nothing better. When it's bad there's nothing worse.

 

My wife and I are going through a bad spell right now and that's hard to take. We talked this morning and both are hopeful it will get better again.

 

Sleeping together after a disagreement is easy. We are both resolved not to take anger into the bedroom. Either we settle issues before we go to bed or we put them on hold until the next day.

 

We are both thoroughly comfortable saying what's on our minds to one another. Thgere's nothing to be afraid of. Either we'll agree, disagree or simply agree to disagree. We're both intelligent, can both be assertive and we're also mature enough to handle in-depth conversations and even confrontations.

 

We spend a great deal of our time together but also allow one another our own time. We'd each rather do things together and go places together than alone or with anyone else. As for children, all ours are grown and gone. We were 48 and 50 when we married so we weren't spring chickens. This doesn't mean there are never child issues. It just means they're of a different type than raising children together which we've never done. That's a good thing. We would not have done so well.

 

Having said all that, it's nice to have someone to be with, to retire with, to travel with and to talk with who knows and understands you. Even with children and grandchildren it would likely be very lonely to be alone at this stage of life. Marriage brings with it a certain sense of security, permanence and comfort that I imagine would be lacking in lesser committed relationships.

 

HJaving said all that, boith of us have experienced failed marriages and they're no fun. Perhaps that's why we're resolved to do our bests to make this one work. But even if it doesn't it won't be for a lack of trying.

[JessieT]

Thank you, I appreciate your response. I'm kind of bummed though because there are so many interesting people who post here and I thought I'd get a real insight.

[Storyrider]

It is such a broad question; I think that is part of the problem. Can you ask a few more specific questions?

[Kasan]

The bad things first--

 

Marriage will be the hardest thing that you will ever do. You will learn the art of compromise and negotiation even though you are right, you will eat humble pie, you will lose your illusions of what a perfect marriage is, your heart will break, you will become an expert of twisting the knife to cause the most pain, and you will will find out just how down and dirty you can get in an argument.

 

Now the good things--

 

You will feel such accomplishment when you can stand together to solve a problem. You will take joy in the fact that you created wonderful children together. You will find that you can disagree and still maintain a partnership. You will share the laughter (and there is a lot of laughter) and the most amazing things of a marriage well lived.

 

Marriage isn't easy, but the good things never are. I liken it to a roller coaster ride--scary, and exhilarating, highs, and lows, but in the end, it all comes out okay if you have a lot of luck and love.

Edited February 13, 2008 by Kasan

[jmargel]

Any problems you have with the person before marriage are magnified by 10 afterwards.

 

From my own experience and reading of others, after being married it's too easy for one spouse to start taking advantage of the other. One spouse always seems to get too comfortable to the point that they are taking the other for granted.

[JessieT]

If only I knew exactly what I wanted to hear. I just want to know what it's like from the inside, what works, what doesn't. I know what destroys a marriage pretty clearly. I've seen it in action more than once. What I want to know is what makes one work. Trust, honesty, I get that, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty daily details I'm blind and I want to not be.

 

Do you have rituals or traditions like Sunday morning breakfast or family dinner everynight. Going to bed after an argument is something I can't fathom, that's why i asked about that. I don't know, it's that classic case of being too ignorant to ask the question.

[Touche]

If only I knew exactly what I wanted to hear. I just want to know what it's like from the inside, what works, what doesn't. I know what destroys a marriage pretty clearly. I've seen it in action more than once. What I want to know is what makes one work. Trust, honesty, I get that, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty daily details I'm blind and I want to not be.

 

Do you have rituals or traditions like Sunday morning breakfast or family dinner everynight. Going to bed after an argument is something I can't fathom, that's why i asked about that. I don't know, it's that classic case of being too ignorant to ask the question.

 

You say you want to know what works and what doesn't. That's very difficult to say because what works for one couple doesn't work for another. I've learned that on here. For example, my H and I have never taken a vacation separately. We have no desire to do so and it just would seem weird to us. It's not something that would work for us.

 

Also, I've learned that many couples keep their finances separate. Again, we don't. Wouldn't work for us.

 

I mean there's no way that you're going to get ONE definitive answer as to what works and what doesn't.

 

I'll try to answer your other questions. No, we don't really have any set rituals or traditions that I can think of at the moment. And sometimes we all sit down to eat dinner together and other times we don't.

 

As for going to bed after an argument, we have. We just say goodnight and we decide to talk about it the next day when we're calmer.

 

I don't really know what else to tell you. I've always thought that a big part about why it works with my H and I is that we have similar temperaments. I've written about that a lot.

 

We both never hold grudges. We have similar senses of humor. We mostly see eye to eye on the "big" things in life i.e. child rearing, money, etc. We talk a lot about the future and goals and places we want to travel. We tell each other our dreams.

 

When one of us is grouchy, the other will make an extra effort to be nicer or else to stay out of each other's way.

 

I hope I helped answer your question a little bit. But it's really not a black and white thing. As I said, what works can be very different for every couple.

[sb129]

I am getting married in the New Year, and this thread is interesting to me too.

 

I can't speak for myself, but my parents have been together for over 30 years, and although they have had their ups and downs, and they have been through an immensely traumatic event involving one of their children (my brother) they are still good buddies and have a laugh together.

 

Growing up, we always had to have dinner together at the table, and there were not many secrets. I could talk about anything and everything with my parents, and still can. I really hope I have a similar marriage with my partner. We have similar backgrounds and family values, so thats in our favour- we are also good buddies who enjoy similar things but also have out own interests.

 

we laugh alot. Fingers crossed!!

[sb129]

We both never hold grudges. We have similar senses of humor. We mostly see eye to eye on the "big" things in life i.e. child rearing, money, etc. We talk a lot about the future and goals and places we want to travel. We tell each other our dreams.

 

When one of us is grouchy, the other will make an extra effort to be nicer or else to stay out of each other's way.

 

I like this. Its reassuring and bodes well and all that. Although I am no fortune teller.

[Touche]

I like this. Its reassuring and bodes well and all that. Although I am no fortune teller.

 

Thanks, sb. And if that applies to you too then consider yourselves lucky. And you know what? As someone already mentioned on here, there is some luck involved in having a good marriage. I was never really of a mind that it takes a lot of "work." It it takes so much work then in my view, it's not all that good, you know?

 

But I know most don't agree with me on that.

 

And you know, to a certain extent it's all a crap shoot. You're right about that. All we can do is to stack the odds in our favor as much as we can by choosing someone who is compatible with us in all the important ways, someone we love of course, someone who we're madly sexually attracted too, etc. etc. Beyond that, to a point, yeah it's luck with maybe a little bit of work thrown in.

[HokeyReligions]

The only thing I can say with some certainty, that is common in 'good' marriages is communication. Communication before marriage is vital IMO. If you don't know how to communicate and don't know how your partner communicates there will be trouble ahead.

 

Its easy to say, but everyone communicates differently and knowing yourself is one thing, knowing how your partner receives and gives is something else.

 

After many years we developed a way to let the other know how we feel without hurting their feelings and it works 90% of the time.

 

Know as much about your partner's family as possible. Their parents and family will tell you a lot about the kind of spouse they might be. If their parents faught a lot - did they learn from that? What did they learn? Are they likely to argue the same way? What family traditions do they have?

 

One example from my experience is Christmas. I was raised to always open gifts on Christmas day. It was very important to me. We didn't go visiting or have company so there was no time limits that we had to work around. It is very important to me. I feel let-down if I don't have my traditional

Christmas day. Hubby had been single and from divorced parents and had not celebrated Christmas in many many years until he met me. He went along with my tradition for several years then he started bugging me to open gifts on Christmas Eve. We laughed for a few years because to me, he was like a child who couldn't wait. It wasn't until about six years into the marriage that he got into a bad mood on Xmas Eve and I didn't listen and he didn't explain. He felt hurt that it was only MY tradition we were following and that I was dismissing his old family tradition of opening things on Xmas eve.

 

We did compromise, but that one Christmas was miserable for both of us.

[BlueHaiku]

I would like to second Hokey... Communication is essential. Without it, it doesn't matter how compatible you are - bad things will come.

 

My own marriage ended because of lack of communication. My ex and I were highly compatible on most major issues, but inevitably there will come about SOMEthing you aren't compatible on. No two people are exactly identical - so some day something won't click. My ex was pathalogically unable to communicate about "serious" issues, so he never talked about these moments. They were tiny, miniscule, but over time they built up, and the resentment built up. Over time that slowly cracked the foundation of our intimacy.

 

I wasn't completely ignorant - I could tell something was wrong with our intimacy, but try as I might to talk to him about it, he wouldn't respond. He would either say nothing was wrong and I was imagining it or he would blame everything else in his life but "us" because the conversation about "us" was beyond his abilities.

 

Finally it all came out - but only after he had decided it was over. The really sad thing was that when he finally told me the marriage was over, he *still* could barely talk about it. He would say something serious, then suddenly, reflexively, crack a joke - almost like a hiccup he couldn't control. Then he would say "sorry" and look ashamed because he knew the moment wasn't right for cracking jokes. It was really disturbing to see, and in some way, though I knew he had communication problems, it was the first time I ever realized they were THAT bad. It was quite sad.

 

The man I am currently seeing can communicate - and how! He can talk about serious and sensitive issues in depth and detail and at length - and he can do all this without getting emotionally worked up or cracking inappropriate jokes.

 

I'm not saying he's perfect - he has his issues, but this communication thing he's got licked. That's a pretty good sign.

[Curmudgeon]

I think the biggest bar to good communication is pride. I've seen it happen too often. A couple has trouble being totally open with one another because one or both are too full of pride to consider the other's point of view or to recognize their own faults. Even though they truly love one another and in all othjer ways are right for one another, this is one barrier they can't get over, through or around. The end result is a broken marriage and two miserable and lonely people, at least one of whom doesn't have a clue.

 

It should not be threatening to be humble with your spouse when appropriate.

[OpenBook]

I can only share what I've observed about my own parents' marriage (my own marriage didn't go so well!! and it only lasted 3 years). Bottom line... they treated each other really well, and always put each other first. Always. They were married for 54 years, until my Dad died.

 

To give a specific example, I think one of the smartest things they did was to divide chores, so they wouldn't clash. Mom was the undisputed Queen over some things, Dad was the absolute Ruler over others.

 

But in that generation, their roles were clearly defined. There were no gray areas like there are now. Although women now have more freedom to define themselves and their marriages, I think that freedom has brought along with it a lot of uncertainty and free-floating anxiety. Therefore, in some ways it is harder now to conduct a successful marriage than it used to be.

[jmargel]

I think the biggest bar to good communication is pride. I've seen it happen too often. A couple has trouble being totally open with one another because one or both are too full of pride to consider the other's point of view or to recognize their own faults. Even though they truly love one another and in all othjer ways are right for one another, this is one barrier they can't get over, through or around. The end result is a broken marriage and two miserable and lonely people, at least one of whom doesn't have a clue.

 

It should not be threatening to be humble with your spouse when appropriate.

 

That is so true.. You also have to learn to choose and pick your fights. Is it worth going a round with your spouse only because he forgot to take out the trash?

 

You also have to keep that 'puppy dog love' going after you are married. That is SO important to not forget the reasons why you married this person and to actually show it everyday. Alot of marriages lack that and is probably one of the main reasons why some people stray. They give up hope trying to find that with their spouse, something that made them fall in love in the first place.

[Ariadne]

there is some luck involved in having a good marriage. I was never really of a mind that it takes a lot of "work." It it takes so much work then in my view, it's not all that good, you know? But I know most don't agree with me on that.

 

You are the luckiest ever! Happy Valentine's day Touche! Nice to see you back.

 

And as far as "work," I agree with you 100%. If you have to work at it is crap.

[Touche]

You are the luckiest ever! Happy Valentine's day Touche! Nice to see you back.

 

And as far as "work," I agree with you 100%. If you have to work at it is crap.

 

Awww, you're a sweetie pie, Ariadne. Happy Valentine's Day to you and to everyone, especially those looking for love. May this be your year to find your "soulmate!":love:

[Aloros]

I'm not married yet, but like OpenBook's parents, mine always put one another first. They're quick to defend one another, openly affectionate (after over 30 years, they still give xmas gifts to one another from "secret admirers"), and communicative.

 

Certain aspects of their personalities clash, and they have little spats, but underneath the irritation in their voices, you can sense a very deep affection. They dated for five years, so they knew what they were getting into!

 

As for my current relationship, we're getting married in a year, so I'm hoping to have the same success and happiness as my parents.

[Curmudgeon]

And as far as "work," I agree with you 100%. If you have to work at it is crap.

 

...a huge difference between "having" to work at maintaining a marriage and wanting to. It doesn't have to be difficult. It CAN be both fun and rewarding.

 

To me, working it is putting your spouse and your marriage first and romancing one another daily, just in small ways. It can be as simple as drawing a heart in the shower steam on the mirror or stopping to pick a fresh flower on the way home. Sometimes it's a quick note, a phone call from work or something considerate like having the coffee pot ready to go so all she has to do is turn it on when she gets up.

 

It's the little things like that which mean a lot and help keep the love alive. Romance has to be fed just like the body!

[Touche]

...a huge difference between "having" to work at maintaining a marriage and wanting to. It doesn't have to be difficult. It CAN be both fun and rewarding.

 

To me, working it is putting your spouse and your marriage first and romancing one another daily, just in small ways. It can be as simple as drawing a heart in the shower steam on the mirror or stopping to pick a fresh flower on the way home. Sometimes it's a quick note, a phone call from work or something considerate like having the coffee pot ready to go so all she has to do is turn it on when she gets up.

 

It's the little things like that which mean a lot and help keep the love alive. Romance has to be fed just like the body!

 

I agree 100% but that's not under the category of "work." Those are just things we want to do for each other.

 

What I put under the category of "work" are thins like constant compromise, constantly "checking" myself and what I say, walking on eggshells, etc. etc. etc. A good marriage where both people are compatible inherently doesn't require all that work. Also, the balance between giving and taking should be close to being equal.