Is breaking up with my boyfriend over porn the right thing to do?

[confusedaboutitall]

Firstly let me give you the facts.

 

I am in my early 20's and my boyfriend is 15 years older than me. We've been going out for 3 years and known each other for 5 years. He is my first proper boyfriend and the only person i have slept with.

 

About 8 months into our relationship, I moved his car seat forward to put some bags in the back and found a porn dvd. i was a bit taken aback and picked it up and asked him in a laid back and inquisitive way why he had a porno and he got very embarrased. after some encouragement to tell me the truth he said that it must have fallen out from a porn magasine that he had bought. This all came as a bit of a revelation to me, as I had no idea he still bought porn mags and i had never really thought about it. As this was my first relationship and we had a healthy sex life i didn't think that he would need porn. At the time I shrugged it off, but something was niggling in my brain.

 

A couple of months later I knocked the remote control behind some chest of drawers and whilst retrieving it I pulled out another porn dvd. This one was a retail copy in a proper DVD case and, again, i was taken aback. I told hhim straight away that i'd found it and asked him why he had it and why he had hidden it. He became embarrassed and said it wasn't important and we didn't really discuss it further.

 

However, over the next few days i started becoming really upset and hurt over the fact that he had porn. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that porn is a completely bad thing. But I feel in a loving relationship you shouldn't hide it from your partner, but also that you shouldn't really need it when you've got a young and sprightly partner who is, lets just say, not exactly turning sex down!

 

I explained to him that I was really hurt and upset about him needing porn and that it did make me feel unnatractive and really insecure about myself.

 

He apologised profusely and told me that it would never happen again and that he didn't need it and that he loved me and never wanted to hurt me.

 

A whole year later, I noticed a dvd box next to his dvd player. The cover had been taken off and it was just a blank black box. This immidiatly made me curious as there was already a seed of doubt in my head. I opened the box and 3 porn dvd's fell out.

 

I immediatly confronted him. I couldn't believe that he had gone to all that effort to hide them from me and lie that he wouldn't use porn again. For me trust in a relationship is vital. Without trust there is no relationship.

 

I explained to him that I didn't trust him but I was so confused as I really really loved / love him. (I need to explain that everything else in our relationship was brilliant. He was lovely to me and a great boyfriend.)

 

So i decided to give it one more chance and we moved in together. I explained to him that he had to be honest with me and he told me he would never bring porn into the our housee.

 

A few days ago I found the same porn collection hidden under his pile of clothes. I probably should point out that by this point, I was looking for porn. I didn't 'chance' upon it, but i had gradually lost any trust i had of him that i looked in his personal belonging and found it.

 

I walked out and have been at my parents ever since.

 

Instead of telling me that i've made a mistake, he's owned up and said that he's so sorry and he won't do it again. But i feel i've given him enough chances.

 

It's not about the porn anymore, it's about the lies, the disrespect and the lack of trust i have for him that i don't think i will ever regain. I feel like i have my whole life ahead of me and i shouldn't settle for anyone who knowingly does something that upsets me and someone who lies.

 

The thing is. I love him. We are 'on a break' and i'm actually going travelling on friday for 3 months and won't see him which will be a huge change from living with him and doing everything together.

 

The thing is the time away will give me time to think, but i'm worried about focussing on the wrong things. For example, i may find someone whilst travelling who i get along with and because of the problems with my boyfriend, feel that i should move on without really giving the relationship another chance. But i know in my heart i will nver truely trust him and forgive him.

 

So my question is ... grow up and move on or actively try to give the relationship another chance?

[dfreeman]

But if I were him, I'd break up with you if you kept dropping my porn dvds all over the place!

 

 

Seriously though, it isn't about the porn - it's the lying and the hiding dvds (and pretty darn badly at that) that I would be worried about?

[Tony T]

I think you've given him enough chances. Before you totally give up, you might have him get into counseling. He obviously has an addiction to porn, which is the reason he hides this stuff from you. Why he has it probably has nothing to do with you at all, especially if the rest of the relationship is good. However, he knows this bothers and hurts you and collects it anyway. That is problematic.

 

The fact that he hides this stuff from you is really bad. Sit with him and ask him how the two of you can work together to get him help for this addiction. If he refuses, sit with him and ask him how you can go about the best split up possible.

[SeraBella]

are there other issues besides the porn?

[norajane]

You found his dvd, he was embarrassed, and he told you what you wanted to hear - that he wouldn't watch porn anymore. But, he's been watching porn long before you ever came along, and has developed a habit of masturbating to porn, so he didn't stop. It's even possible he intended to stop at the time he said he would, but he didn't. He didn't want to hurt you by being honest since you made such a big deal about it, so he hid it from you. And when he was caught, again, he told you what you wanted to hear. Rinse, repeat.

 

If your relationship is as wonderful as you say, and you had no issues in your sex life, then the only problem was that you didn't want him using porn.

 

He's not going to stop. If you tell him it's ok if he watches it, he probably will stop hiding it from you (over time, once he sees you don't freak out about finding a dvd). If you can't stand that he watches it, then yes, you'd better break up now because you obviously can't control how he masturbates.

[cfield1972]

I'm sorry, but you said that it's okay to have porn but not to hide it - then you say that he shouldn't want to have porn if he's with you?!?!? No wonder he hid it from you! He hid it because you're making him feel like he's a freak or something. I think you're being to rigid. As long as he's not obsessed with porn or watching anything weird like underage girls, I don't think you should be so hard on him. By the way, I'm a woman and I have some porn too. It can be part of a healthy sex life. Lighten up!

[sally4sara]

Was he turning down sex most of the time?

Did the collection seem to grow or were you finding the same dvds and mags each time?

If the sex life was still active and the collection wasn't getting huge, I don't know what to say. You said he treats you very well otherwise and you even mentioned that it will be weird not "doing everything together" anymore,so you got along well enough to do everything together.

 

Why did you tell him it was okay and he didn't need to hide it and then go a full 180 on him right before moving in together? Doing that right before moving in together is kinda manipulative of you. If you really did wish the porn to go you should've said so living together or not. Doing it right before you move in puts him a the position to be the bad guy or lie after he has already grown to love you and invested his time in you. Maybe I am assuming here, but I would imagine some time elapsed between your first discovery of his porn use and you moving in. You could've said the moment you found it that you had no interest in dating a guy who views porn. That would've given him the chance to say "I don't want to date a girl who is that against my viewing porn. See ya"

You didn't do this. You told him it was fine. You also lied to him and he lied to you because of it.

I'm sure at this point porn is a much bigger topic in his life that it likely was before all this mess. It might even be a bigger deal to you now too because of all the lying involved by both of you.

[BlueHaiku]

I'm a girl, and I don't have a problem with porn. Heck, most of it is pretty poorly done & doesn't work so well for me but there is also female friendly porn/erotica out there that can be a great way to get ready for a night of fun together.

 

I don't know you, and I would respect if you simply had a different opinion of porn than I do, but you're still pretty young and this is your first sexual relationship. I can understand that all this stuff might be pretty new and troubling for you.

 

If you haven't tried already, you might try to see porn from another perspective. Girls often enjoy reading romance novels, but that doesn't mean they don't love their boyfriends. Guys often like porn, but that deoesn't mean they don't love their girlfriends. Some guys like romance novels and some girls like porn, too.

 

Porn, like alcohol, excercise, and television, can be a problem if it becomes an addiction, but it can also be innocuous too. As someone else mentioned, if he's turning down sex with you because of porn that can be a problem. But if you two have a good sex life and sometimes he enjoys a little porn, I don't see it as a problem.

 

Now, what to do about THIS guy?

 

I once found some porn in my husband's drawer when I was putting away his clothes. It troubled me that he had hid it, but I didn't really care - I just figured he felt guilty and so I put it away and never told him I found it. I looked through it first though!

 

I wouldn't blame him for hiding it in the first instance, because a lot of people grow up being told this stuff is wrong and feeling guilty. And it is highly likely that your shocked reaction that first time frightened him, made him feel more guilty, and made him foolishly make promises and then start hiding things from you.

 

I can sympathise with his fear and guilt, but ultimately his reaction was not good. He should have sat down with you and explained that porn does not replace or weaken his feelings for you; he should have tried to help you see it as he saw it. However, he did not handle this like a mature, self assured individual. He handled it much more like someone who felt guilty about his own enjoyment of porn.

 

My advice:

 

1. You have to think carefully about how you feel about porn, about whether you can understand and accept the views I've mentioned above or whether you can't. That's important because even if you leave this guy, you may run into porn again in a future relationship.

 

2. If you can't accept porn, leave this guy. You can't accept it and you can't expect him to change.

 

3. If you can accept porn, you still have to decide if you can trust him. Part of that has to be your coming to terms with how your reaction might have helped to create his reaction. You two could potentially move to a more open, communicating relationship where you both feel free to discuss issues without fear, anger, blame, or guilt. But you have to be willing and able to communicate that way and he has to be willing and able to communicate that way. If you can reach that ideal, you could have a wonderful relationship.

 

If it were me, I'd sit him down in person and start the conversation, say that I had been shocked and surprised, that this was new to me. I would say that I was open to the idea that maybe I overreacted a little, and could he explain to me how he felt about porn, what role it played in his life, what he enjoyed about it, what it had to do or not to do with his feelings for me. I would try to come at this with an open mind, to see if I could get him comfortable enough to really open up to me.

 

After hearing him out thoroughly, I would explain calmly what my feelings had been, that I was afraid it meant he wasn't satisfied with me, that I felt it was wrong, that I was hurt, etc. The key here is "calmly" - if you get upset and emotional about it, it's likely to send him back into hiding things again. Then let him respond. Keep the conversation going. Maybe he can help you to be more comfortable with it all.

 

At the end, see where you two end up. You may decide after having the conversation that you are just not ready to deal with it - you can still break up if that's what you decide. Or you may be able to come to some compromise - he keeps all his porn in X locked cupboard and doesn't watch it when you could possibly see. Or who knows, you may request that he introduce you to some of the more female friendly erotica out there and you may end up enjoying it yourself.

 

Good luck!

 

BlueHaiku

[VnusMars]

1) Porn and a healthy sex life with a love partner are, for a majority of healthy men, completely separate from each other. Porn does not replace relationship sex or vice versa. Men more than women have the ability to separate purely sexual arousal from love, and also to be more aroused when in love.

Do not make the mistake of doing fuzzy math that equates his porn usage to some problem with you or your relationship - porn is just another thing to do for most men, like golfing or playing Wii. I know most women don't get that, but it's the way it is. Of course that's a generalization, and there are men who use porn to substitute for healthy sex out of fear, immaturity, or some emotional/mental dysfunction...and that should be treated.

But finding stray porn every once in awhile does NOT constitute an addiction.

 

2) It really ISN'T about the porn at this point - it's about the deceit. You expressed your wishes, and he ignored them, and hid the fact that he was ignoring them (and not very well, I might add).

The fact is - what do YOU think? Cheating is only defined as "something which one partner thinks is wrong and the other partner does anyway."

 

If it's a deal-breaker for you, then so be it. That's your choice.

The lying and hiding are REALLY the reason you're here, not the porn so much I imagine.

[sedgwick]

I have never understood why women have a problem with their boyfriends watching porn. I love porn! I've had to try to get bfs to watch it with me before! I'm the girl who's a guy! Huzzah!

 

The issue here, as far as I'm concerned, is that he's hiding it from you. But hell, I have my porn collection buried on my computer where my ex-husband (still my best friend) can't find it when he's over here commandeering my laptop. But if he's told you he won't hide things from you and then he does -- there's your issue. That's the thing you have to work on.

 

I personally don't think there's one single thing wrong with grown adults watching porn on their own time. If he's still having sex with you and enjoying it, let him be! Have you ever expressed any interest in watching it with him to see what turns him on, and then trying it? Such a hot thing to do! I'm telling you that I wouldn't have the sexual skills I have today if it weren't for the porn.

 

Also, I disagree completely and totally with those saying this guy has an addiction to porn. Addiction means he can't walk away from it and he's no longer having sex with you. This is not an addiction, this is him being a normal, healthy, sexually curious adult.

Edited February 13, 2008 by sedgwick

[DawnNC27]

I personally don't have a problem with porn. In fact, I don't know of any man who doesn't have a stash of porn. My boyfriend does. Hell, I'm a woman and I download porn every once in a while. So, in my opinion that's a ridiculous reason to break up a relationship that's otherwise perfect.

 

However, if this is due to your religious beliefs or convictions, I could see your point.

 

If you notice that he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore though...and he relies solely on porn and the rosey palm..that could be a problem, and I would definitely be suspicious.

 

Have you considered watching some porn WITH him? It could be exciting.

[Enema]

we had a healthy sex life i didn't think that he would need porn.

 

you shouldn't really need it when you've got a young and sprightly partner who is, lets just say, not exactly turning sex down!

 

9/10 this is what allll of these porn posts are about.

 

The woman thinks that men look at porn because their sex life is lacking.

 

His wang could be red raw from sex and he'll still jerk off to porn. His porn use has nothing to do with you.

[jinx55]

Think of it this way, would you rather have him watch a girl on dvd or have him go out and cheat on you. We are humans and all have fantasy's that need to be taken care of. If he knows it bothers you talk to him about it and communicate to him that you don't like it and would prefer him not to "use" them around you. If you can't see him for a while masturbation is a natural thing and to think that everytime a man in general masturbates about his girlfriend/wife would be insane. But good luck

[confusedaboutitall]

thanks for all your advise. it's the trust and honesty that's the issue. and it does affect our sex life immensly. (he has problems getting it up - but i've been understanding and patient for 3 years about this problem, yet still he won't change or alter his habits.)

 

anyway. i'm now going on a long holday and will sort my own head out. i appreciate everyones comments but i also think that - some people like porn, some people don't, and it's ok not to accept porn just as much as it's ok to accept porn. it's if it then becomes a bigger issue of trust, honesty and the lies.

[mistie03]

Watching porn every once in while is no big deal. But, some people take it too far, IMO. I dated a guy that had a huge collection of it. His obsession with it was really creepy. It was a complete turn off to me.