JackhammerGemma Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I have decided to stay in a relationship that is in no way good for me and have come to realize I am literally addicted to it. (Less as time goes on but not enough to break it off.)The guy is an alcoholic who cheats on me with someone from work. Don't ask me how I got addicted because it's a mystery to me too; I'm usually the one who'll kick a guy to the curb for looking at me the wrong way. Cheating has never been tolerated in my past relationships and I've walked away when it occurred. I don't know why I can't let go. This relationship has me so depressed most of the time that I can't even make myself go do things outside of work like shopping and when I do I feel anxious and just want to go home. In spite of what he's done I feel lost when he's not around and still look forward to being with him. WHY? I hate myself for being so weak and allowing this to go on. Yet I'm afraid to end it and the thought of not being with him makes me even sadder than the thought of staying with him in this mess. Today I thought to myself that I'll be ready to let go when I no longer care what his answer is next time I ask him if he wants to continue the relationship. I have heard it all-you deserve better, why do you let this go on, just dump him, you need to get a life outside of him, etc. I know all this, still I can't take the advice. I wish there was some pill I could take that would give me the strength to leave or at least not be affected by what he says and does. As the song goes, they say time heals everything but I'm still waiting. Why do people like me stay in situations like this that are obviously so bad for them? I don't consider myself particularly of low self-esteem. I know I'm young, ok looking and other stuff, and can do better. So WHY? Weakness? Stupidity? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 What are the positive things that are keeping you in the relationship? From my experience, "addictions" have to be let to run their course. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Is there a codependents anonymous support group in your area? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Are you afraid of being alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackhammerGemma Posted February 15, 2008 Author Share Posted February 15, 2008 Actually yes, I am afraid of being alone. But even common sense tells me being alone is better than being treated badly. I wish my heart would follow my brain. But I think I'm just about ready to let go. I've had enough. I can't take anymore. I just don't understand why I've held on this long and was wondering if anyone else had this happen to them. Link to post Share on other sites
openingup Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 Let me first say, I feel for you. I wish you all the best in your efforts to let go. May I ask how long you've been in this situation? My relationship addiction has lasted several years so I understand completely. You tell yourself it makes no sense; you're younger, better-educated, better-looking - you name it - but you're still hanging in there with someone you know treats you badly and doesn't deserve your time. I could write the book on that one. . . I'm in the process of extricating myself right now, and what I've found to be helpful (I haven't talked to him or seen him for the past ten days) is to take a Sharpie and some blank paper and describe everything you hate about him (drinking, lying, cheating) in large print. Be brutal. Then tape these things all over your walls and read them until the thought of being with someone so pathetic makes you sick. I don't know if this will work for anyone but me, but just putting things in writing was cathartic; it made me acknowledge that they were real. When you finish and see how many sheets you've come up with and force yourself to think about the humiliation you've suffered because of each of them, you may well stop feeling hurt and obsessed and get really angry instead. Then when you see his name come up on your phone, you can just let it ring and think, "Why would I possibly want to talk to you?" That was my turning point. Let me know how it goes . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackhammerGemma Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 Good idea, thanks for the suggestion. I wish I had a dartboard and a printer that worked so I could throw darts at pictures of him and of the girl from work he's cheating on me with. I have so much anger because of what's going on with that and I feel so humiliated. A huge part of me hates him and definitely hates her. I hate that she tries to come off as miss goody two shoes and innocent and nice when she's anything but that. She's so smug. If I were cheating on my husband with a co-worker's man I would stay as far away from her as possible and not even look at her if I could help it. But every time she sees me she stares defiantly at me with that look that says "Yeah I'm f&cking your man, what are you going to do about it?" Since I don't want to lose my job she is still alive. Haha. I wish this were funny but it's so not funny. My friends tell me he (or any man) is not worth my tears and suffering but that doesn't stop the pain and tears from coming. I'm not as depressed as I was but just angry now. Don't know who I'm more angry with, him and her for making an ass out of me or me for staying with him and allowing them to. This just sucks. Makes me sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Hi, is he still cheating on you? if so, you definitely need to dump him It is not easy to break up with a man you are addictive to, but it can be done I was in an abusive relationship before, I absolutely hated the addiction and hated myself, but things can be changed. If only my own strength, I don't think I could went through it. If you want to overcome an issue that obviously bigger than your strength, then you have to ask bigger source to help you Now I don't tie my future with a certain man, and check myself if it is the addiction or real love (real love should let you feel freely want to give and can keep stable peaceful and rewarding feelings), I believe in God more than man, as long as I listen to God closely, I cannot go wrong, God revealed to me that why I wanted to stay that relationship, why should I remove certain characters in me that stop me receiving His good plan, teach me what is real love....I am still on the road to learn, but very optimism about future There are many good Christian books to deal with these issues, if you learn yourself and learn from this experience, your stumbling stone will become a step stone in your future and prayer always give me strength and wisdom, have you tried? Books: Healing the Addictive Personality: Freeing Yourself from Addictive Patterns and Relationships by Lee Jampolsky Love Is A Choice Breaking The Cycle Of Addictive Relationships (Paperback) by Robert Hemfelt Link to post Share on other sites
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