being strung along sucks

[virtuzoso]

I have a friend that I have known for about two years. We werent ever really great friends, closer to aquantainces. I have always liked her, but never really thought about her in a romantic sense. Mostly I had the mindset that she was out of my league ( I dont think that way about anyone anymore) but also because I am a bit older than her 8 years and she wasnt single most of the time I have known her. I guess it would be fair to say I had a minor crush.

 

A couple of months ago, she started giving me LOTS of signals. She would make excuses to see me ( we worked at the same place for awhile). Hanging out for HOURS on her day off when I working ( my job is pretty free as far as that sort of thing goes). After a day or two of interest ( which I had a hard time believing, im always a skeptic ) I started to believe maybe there was something to it. She's even asking my friends/coworkers about me, what I think about her, etc. She flirts with me alot, and eventually, practically invites herself over to my place. The conversation went something like, " wow, you got me really wanting to see such and such movie. Do you have it? what are you doing after work?" So I invite her over.

 

We get along well. There's alot of the usual flirting, but since I am older and also since I had this nice guy mentality at the time, I am pretty chivalrous, so I dont press any intimacy, though in hindsight, thats probably what she wanted. By the end of the night, im stroking her hair while she's laying in my lap, but thats basically it. I kiss her goodnight on the lips when she leaves. We hang out alot for the next week or two, but I can never seem to set up another one on one date. She's still into me just like before, but something always comes up. Its the Holiday season, we both work, someone else interferes/comes along/joins in, etc.

 

Having been single ( which I had enjoyed, but have been for far too long), I probably went overboard on the niceness for those few weeks. A nice gift, a card, a christmas present, which she accepted with a smile and a thanks. I could tell something was up on Christmas eve. She told me she was trying to decide between 3 different guys ( great timing, right?!). Hey, im cool with that, let the best man win. Later on I was pretty bummed out on the whole thing, and a friend of mine told me to check her MySpace page, which oddly enough had updated her status to 'in a relationship' and also had some pics of her boyfriend.

 

If there are any women reading this- dont do **** like this. You want to date someone else, fine. Dont accept gifts under the pretense that there may be some relationship developing when you know there isnt. That is... well, I'll censor myself there...

 

I am extremely extremely busy for the next week or two, I dont really have time to do much worrying about it. But I do strive to be a positive person, so despite knowing I got a pretty dishonest deal, I bite the bullet and do my best to stay friends. I was pretty bummed about it, I read a few books that really inspired me to make some changes in my thinking ( thats a different topic). But over the next month or two I have a paradigm shift. I know I shouldnt be as much of a pushover as before, and I realise it. I know this girl is not date material for me, but I still like her. I dont want to, but I do.

 

We still flirt back and forth alot, just like before. I can tell she still has something for me. What it is, I dont know. About 2 weeks ago she really turns it up. She's trying to steal my CD's ( jokingly), she's telling me about how she used to make excuses to see me as far back as 2 years ago. She about as direct as a woman can be about having at least a physical relationship. I'm fine with that, I am pretty easy going, open minded. whatever, I dont really like labels for anything. She's basically offering herself to me ( unless this is the most forward flirting I have ever seen) and I play along. I tell her she cant steal my CD's, but I can make a copy for her, all she has to do is come pick it up ( if you catch the innuendo there). She brought it up, I am just playing along.

 

Im busy, about a week goes by. I message her that her CDs are copied, does she still want to pick them up. She says, Maybe. I reply with cool, sounds like a yes. We dont talk for 4 or 5 more days, I see her for about 5 minutes today, I mention it again, pretty casually, since we are talking about alot of things. Once again, I get intterupted ( as usual). We dont get to finish the conversation, but I tell her I will call her later.

 

I call later, no answer. I get the feeling im being avoided. I send a message asking if we can meet for 5-10 mins after her class ( I live 5 mins from her college, we can meet at my place or anywhere in between in minutes. Nope, she cant. Im a bit annoyed at feeling like I fell for it again, so the conversation degenerates, its pretty obvious im not in a good mood. We cant meet, thats fine- I will call after class as long as you dont turn the phone off before then And of course, when I call, no answer.

 

So yeah, I had a bad day at work, prob shouldnt have called when in such a crappy mood. But I feel like I am being used as some sort of ego booster. She's feeling down about something in her life, she calls me up or texts me with something she knows I want to hear, knowing that I will flirt right back with her and make her feel better. I dont know specifically if this is what is going on, but its the feeling I get. I will get random text messages asking if I miss her, or asking me if I think she's cute ( duh... Guys dont really change thier minds on that subject much. Once they decide you are, you usually are unless you shave your head or gain 500 pounds). I cant just lie and say no. I dont feel that I should have to.

 

I dont really care about dating her, but It's really really starting to annoy me. If I try to contact her lately ( before my minor meltdown today) I'd get ignored most of the time. But its perfectly ok for her contact me for some ego boosting. I'm sick of it, but I am not sure if this is actually happening or just some misconception. I dont know because she keeps dodging any meaningful conversation, or at least thats my perception.

 

How should I handle this? I'd liek to stay friends, but Im feeling pretty used, so maybe thats gonna have to go. Sorry for the length, complicated history and really crappy day.

[TheSilentType]

Never feeds these people's ego.

 

Its far far more painful to do that than just cut them out of your life.

 

She has a boyfriend. Just give it up. If she wanted you that bad, then she would have chosen you.

 

Everyone's been in your position. So don't take this the wrong way.

[D-Lish]

I know you say you'd like to be friends... but I don't think you actually feel that way. As you said- you don't turn off the cute/crush factor that easily.

 

You are definitely being strung along in this situation. She is using you as an ego boost, and she's playing some pretty crappy games with the flirting and innuendos.

 

She knows you like her, and she knows she can turn to you anytime she wants and you are going to be there waiting. The precedence you are setting is that she can play hot and cold with you and you're going to be the nice guy that accepts it. I would cease to play those games with her.

 

I am not sure why you would even want to remain friends with a person like this. She doesn't offer you anything positive...all she seems to do is push your buttons and keep you on the hook.

 

She did lead you on- and she continues to do so....then she pulls away.

That's not cool behaviour that you should be rewarding with your friendship. I know it would be difficult to do... but I think you should ditch her.

 

She is stringing you along. She dangles that carrot in front of your face and you keep chasing it even though she's never going to let you take a bite.

 

Ditch her. She sounds manipulative and immature.

[virtuzoso]

I wish it were that easy. I am having a hard time with this. Its kind of wierd, I know I really shouldnt like her but I do. I have never been in that situation.