tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 It is kind of like when you're a kid and you are just about to make your bed without being asked, and then your mom says, "Dag nabbit, tanbark, make your bed right now, young man!" And then you really don't want to do it anymore. I suppose, but I find the idea of cooking dinner for a girl and banging her much more appealing than making my bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Maybe an actual guy poster would like to approve it and/or add to it. Good list, but I would add good listener as well. An example would be that she is talking and mentions something that she would like to have or that she needs for something, but its not an urgent thing. So for the heck of it, the guy goes out and picks up what she needs and surprises her with it. Another one would be compromise or sacrificing doing something else in order to spend time with her, but perhaps the changing of the work schedule is an example of that. Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 So, discuss: Does, or should, Love come with that desire to make another happy? I think the place where lots of people get stuck within themselves and within their relationships is with this concept. Love comes with the desire for the other person to BE happy. Usually we feel the desire is to BE happy near ME and BE happy with ME, or in other words, I love you so I want to see that you're having a good time when we're together and I want to see that you like me. But defining love as the desire to MAKE someone happy? I don't think so We're not altruistic beings. We do things to help the happy state along but we do it because we think it will make US feel good within ourselves. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Good list, but I would add good listener as well. An example would be that she is talking and mentions something that she would like to have or that she needs for something, but its not an urgent thing. So for the heck of it, the guy goes out and picks up what she needs and surprises her with it. I've never had a man do this, but it sounds nice. I don't think I attract people who like surprises. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Sure, but in that case why not do it during V Day and at other times? How into someone can you really be if you have to wait to feel something for them? Exactly! Why so much resistance to showing it on VDay? We have Mothers Day, Fathers Day, even Secretaries Day (or Assistant's Day or whatever it's called). What is so wrong with having a Lovers Day to show appreciation for your lover, wife, husband, the person that touches your softest parts and makes 'em feel really good? Everyone whines and moans about how sad they are after a break-up, and how lonely they feel without love, and "will I ever find love agaiiiiiiinnnnn?????" Yet, when they have a love in their life, suddenly it's like, "sh*t, gotta actually do something a teeny bit special for my lover, grumble, grumble, bitch, moan." Link to post Share on other sites
swansong519 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Do a search for a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It was a New York Times best-seller (if that means anything to you). It may provide some insight into your ponderings. The Author claims there are 5 principle "love languages". Quality time Words of affirmation Gifts Acts of service Physical touch Interesting stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 If you do things out of love, great. If you do it expecting something in return well that is rather manipulative, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 No, no, no! That is all girlie stuff. It would mean that for Ariadne, not for Hypothetical Guy. He could make the leap to do all that stuff, but not doing it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. Yes, it does. Ok, maybe not do all those things, but do something romantic. When guys are in love they'd do something romantic from their hearts, even if it is to go out for dinner, get a gift, or a card, or some gesture. Unless of course they don't believe in Valentine's day because of some political stance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 If you do things out of love, great. If you do it expecting something in return well that is rather manipulative, don't you think? Doing something to get something in return is NOT the same as desiring signs of affection from someone, even at pre-specified times. A romantic relationship is not about JUST giving- we enter into it with some expectation of receiving as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 As its very on topic, I just wanted to share an exxchange I overheard in a store after work. The clerk at the store (a consignment shop) had just received a call from a guy thinking they were a flower shop. A couple of ladies in the store tittered about his lateness in getting flowers, and saying she probably didn't want flowers any ways. But then they went on to say how he shouldn't get her flowers just because it was VDay- that it was better to to do it when it wasn't expected, and preset. A man in the store interjected just then, saying how he had just done that very thing, getting his wife flowers a few weeks before JUST BECAUSE. The women thought it was very sweet. Needless to say, it was a nice, and aptly timed, thing to overhear. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 The clerk at the store (a consignment shop) had just received a call from a guy thinking they were a flower shop. A couple of ladies in the store tittered about his lateness in getting flowers, and saying she probably didn't want flowers any ways. But then they went on to say how he shouldn't get her flowers just because it was VDay- that it was better to to do it when it wasn't expected, and preset. I kinda take issue with that...so now he's not supposed to get her flowers for VDay even though he wanted to? Next, are we going to stop giving flowers to Mom on Mothers Day, because it's expected and preset? Avoid giving birthday and Christmas presents? Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Yes, men and women do express their love for their SO differently. However, if you're a man and you know your partner loves a certain gesture (the presentation of flowers, for example), why not buy her a spray of flowers for VDay? Even if it's not something you'd normally do and you sort of feel that it's "artificial", it says something about your love for your partner when you get her those flowers. When you love someone, you want to see the look of joy on their face. I've been pondering the male-female dynamic a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that we just think differently. We approach matters of the heart differently. Things would be simpler and sweeter if men did things for women and if women did things for men. You have to tailor the gift/gesture to the receiver. So if he's a romantic, be romantic. If he's practical, give him something practical. Essentially, you have to ask yourself, "will my SO like this?" and not "ohh...I think this is romantic." Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Doing something to get something in return is NOT the same as desiring signs of affection from someone, even at pre-specified times. A romantic relationship is not about JUST giving- we enter into it with some expectation of receiving as well. I never said that. I agree you both should get something out of the relationship but if one is a giver and one is a taker well that isn't much of a relationship to me. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Well, of course it differs from guy to guy, but some that I've experienced: -Earning money and paying for stuff as needed -Rearranging his schedule to spend free time together -Fixing things, checking oil, making sure fluids are in car, killing bugs, checking on strange noises in the middle of the night -Eating and enjoying the food you cook -Getting really turned on when you're doing the dishes in your bathrobe with bedhead and no makeup -Sex -Sex -Oral sex -Kissing -Sex While the things on your list are nice, I don't see them as the "special" things a guy or anyone does to show they love and appreciate you. These are things that are done as needed or as the opportunity arises that both men and women should being doing on the everyday. They are done out of need and want. Anyone should get up, earn a living, maintain their transportation, eat meals, and enjoy sex with their partner. Its called living and I'd be doing these things with or without a partner. The only difference I can think of if I didn't have a partner is I'd be having sex with myself. I enjoy eating the meals I cook. Is that special? I don't care about getting something on Valentine's day. Mostly because as a floral designer I sleep every moment I'm not at work that week. But even before I was in this line of work my expectation on this holiday wasn't much. Birthdays, anniversary, and x-mas are different. We celebrate each other's birthday because we are glad each other exists. Anniversary is the celebration of our relationship's beginning. X-mas.....well it would be strange to make such a fuss over everyone BUT your partner. I think the only way guys get the shaft in these events is when a girl expects him to read her mind about what she wants or looks at these events as times HE has to do something for HER only. Don't do these things to your guy and he has no reason to feel salty about making an effort. He'll know what to do for you and he'll know something nice is waiting for him. If he is the type to still feel angsty over it, you probably don't see much of him doing nice things "just because he wanted to" either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 I kinda take issue with that...so now he's not supposed to get her flowers for VDay even though he wanted to? Nah, nah. I was trying to keep my post short. They appreciated his attempt, but they were saying that they liked it better to spend VD as a couple at home, enjoy each others' company, etc, without all the pomp. And that the flowers would be best for another, less expected, time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 I never said that. I agree you both should get something out of the relationship but if one is a giver and one is a taker well that isn't much of a relationship to me. And yet this is very often the dynamic -we certainly see it around here enough! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 And yet this is very often the dynamic -we certainly see it around here enough! IMHO, unless both are giving it's really not a relationship at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 IMHO, unless both are giving it's really not a relationship at all. Well, one can be giving a lot more, and the other a lot less. Which is ok, unless one is desiring more receiving on their end. Hm, this is starting to sound like a sex thing.... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Well, one can be giving a lot more, and the other a lot less. Which is ok, unless one is desiring more receiving on their end. Hm, this is starting to sound like a sex thing.... Huh? What's that word mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts