Deeply Love my husband, BUT...

[PriscillaElvis]

I'm new to this forum, so please be gentle...ok?

 

I want to start off by saying (as many do, I'm sure), that I love my husband very much. He is a great man, a wonderful father and a caring husband. Before I met him, I was involved with a married man, who was 14 years older than me and what we had was an attraction like we had never felt before. The sexual chemistry was incredible, but after about 6 months, we broke it off because I was moving out of state.

 

Fast forward to 7 years later and we've reconnected and talk to one another occasionally on the phone for a few minutes and email each other a few times a week. We still live hundreds of miles apart, so I know there is no chance of physically being involved, but the attraction is still there. We never had a good closure to our relationship (it ended rather abruptly) and we know that what we are going through is an outlet for us, a fantasy if you want to call it that.

 

I know some may consider this emotional cheating, but I don't know if I fully agree with that. Our sexual flirtation isn't taking anything away from my relationship from my husband, if anything it has increased my desire for him, as I am now feeling once again like a desired, attractive woman again. My husband and I are very sexually compatable, but sometimes I just feel like I am a wife and mother and not an individual anymore, so I appreciate how the OM makes me feel.

 

I am confused about how I feel, but I know I would never have a PA with him. Is it wrong to want to feel desire and attraction again? I could use some advice, but please try not to be too judgemental. Thanks!

Edited February 13, 2008 by PriscillaElvis

[whichwayisup]

Our sexual flirtation isn't taking anything away from my relationship from my husband, if anything it has increased my desire for him,

 

So, would it be okay for your husband to flirt sexually with another woman, connect with her, be emotionally involved and then make love to you? That sexually charged energy IS CREATED by another man, not your husband. Basically the horniess you feel is not for your husband, it's for the OM. It's made your sex life more exciting. Let me ask you, do you think about OM while having sex with your husband?

 

Would your husband approve of your sexual flirting with OM? My guess is no.

 

Make your own closure, and try to get over what you feel for the OM. You may always feel sexually attracted to him, that's fine - You don't need him in your life because you have a husband and whatever 'friendship' between you and the OM is not good for your marriage.

[mental_traveller]

If it's not cheating, then you will of course have no problem telling your husband about it, right?

 

I would say you have a clear choice. Tell your husband now, apologise, cut this guy out completely, and then explain what void in your marriage was being filled by this, and work on that. The way to feel like an individual again, and get that attention and romantic passion back in your marriage, is to discuss it openly and sensitively with your husband, not to look outside for another guy to give it. The alternative is to continue as you area doing, which will inevitably lead to a full blown emotional affair, withdrawal from your husband, and then most likely a physical affair with this guy. Yes, that's right! This is how affairs start - not by just hopping into bed with someone randomly, but by building up an emotional connection over time, and marginalising the betrayed spouse. Read up on some of the affair stories here on loveshack, to get an idea of what you'll be getting into if you don't stop now.

Edited February 13, 2008 by mental_traveller

[reservoirdog1]

Since things haven't progressed beyond email/phone flirtation... while I normally favour full disclosure, this is one of those situations where telling your husband all would probably just hurt him. And I say that as an XH who got cheated on massively while married.

 

However, the above is ON THE CONDITION that you immediately break off all contact with the OM, lose his number, delete his emails and text messages, and never speak to him again as long as you're married to your H.

 

There's no way around it -- however you may justify it, you are disrespecting your H and having an emotional affair. You're getting sexual satisfaction from a living, breathing person -- doesn't really matter if he's not in the room with you. I'd be willing to bet that, if things continue as they are and you and the OM wind up in the same city some time in the future, you'll be back here posting again, only this time telling us that you actually had sex with the OM, and wondering what to do. After all, the sexual chemistry is, as you say, "incredible".

 

MT raised a good point -- if it's as innocent as you say, presumably you can safely tell your H, because he'll have no problem with it. But I think we all know that's not true.

 

You know what's right, and what you have to do. Now go do it.

[Mr. Lucky]

but sometimes I just feel like I am a wife and mother and not an individual anymore

Convenient for you that this seems to be your husband's fault as it helps justify what you're doing. Isn't some of the responsibility for fixing whatever is missing from your marriage yours?

 

Mr. Lucky

[juliegeraci]

I understand what you are going through. It is very dangerous to be in a EA vs. PA. I fell deeply in love with my EA and it made it that more difficult as time progressed in my marriage. It is really best to have no contact. It will be very difficult but that is what needs to be done. Good luck.

[PriscillaElvis]

If I knew what was wrong in my relatopnship (besides the obvious), I wouldn't be in this situation posting a message on a board looking for help, would I? I'm looking for advice and help here, not criticism and people to tell me what an awful person I am.

 

I'm not asking people to kiss my ass either and tell me that what is happening is OK, either. I am in such a horrible position. I love my husband dearly and couldn't imagine my life without him, but at the same time, sometimes I feel unappreciated for all I do for him and our family. Yes, that may sound selfish, but I'm a person too and I have feelings as well. The OM makes me feel important and wanted and that makes me feel good, like someone appreciates me for being an interesting woman both mentally and sexually, rather than just being looked at as a good cook, mother and financial planner.

 

It's hard to explain and I wish I could properly put into words what I feel...This really hurts me and I don't want to hurt my husband. I guess the only way I can compare what i am going through is like an addiction. You know that doing a line of coke is REALLY bad and not what you need to do, but it makes you feel great (until the next day) but you keep wanting that great feeling and keep going back. Does that make sense?

[norajane]

I would think that falling in love, getting married and having children with your H would give you all the 'closure' you need to get a MM out of your mind.

 

If you're feeling like a wife and mother, you are half the problem with your H. Change your part of it, and your husband will follow suit, especially since you say your sex life is good.

 

What I mean is, instead of flirting with MM, flirt with your husband. Send your H sexy emails and texts during the day. Start affectionate and sexy touching with him at home, even if it's just squeezing his butt when he leans over to pick up the garbage he's taking out, stopping for a kiss when he walks by you in the kitchen, telling him he looks sexy in that blue shirt and tie and you can't wait to take it off him when he gets home that night. Make HIM feel sexy...perhaps he feels like only a husband and father and like you've forgotten that he's a man, the hot, sexy man you fell in love with.

 

Plan 'dates' so the two of you can get out of the house and make eye contact over dinner and flirt. Find a baby sitter and take weekends away and go to a show, followed by drinks or dancing and hotel sex. Put your hand on his thigh when you're in the car and stroke his leg a little. Share your fantasies with him, and listen to his.

 

If you start putting the sexy back in your marriage, your husband will notice and see you as a sexy woman, not just a wife and mother. Don't give your sexy, flirtatious side to some other man who's already been cheating on his wife! Give it to your husband!

[Mr. Lucky]

The OM makes me feel important and wanted and that makes me feel good, like someone appreciates me for being an interesting woman both mentally and sexually, rather than just being looked at as a good cook, mother and financial planner.

Again, digging your marriage out of that hole is a team effort. Your half of the team seems to be distracted doing other things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

If I knew what was wrong in my relatopnship (besides the obvious), I wouldn't be in this situation posting a message on a board looking for help, would I? I'm looking for advice and help here, not criticism and people to tell me what an awful person I am.

 

I'm not asking people to kiss my ass either and tell me that what is happening is OK, either. I am in such a horrible position. I love my husband dearly and couldn't imagine my life without him, but at the same time, sometimes I feel unappreciated for all I do for him and our family. Yes, that may sound selfish, but I'm a person too and I have feelings as well. The OM makes me feel important and wanted and that makes me feel good, like someone appreciates me for being an interesting woman both mentally and sexually, rather than just being looked at as a good cook, mother and financial planner.

 

It's hard to explain and I wish I could properly put into words what I feel...This really hurts me and I don't want to hurt my husband. I guess the only way I can compare what i am going through is like an addiction. You know that doing a line of coke is REALLY bad and not what you need to do, but it makes you feel great (until the next day) but you keep wanting that great feeling and keep going back. Does that make sense?

 

How much appreciation are you showing him? Sounds like both of you have fallen into a rut.

 

Go out on Amazon and get two little paperbacks - Light His Fire and Light Her Fire. It will help you get back on track. Once you start showing your hubby how much you appreciate what he does, he'll start seeing you in a new light and will likely respond in kind. If he doesn't, give him the Light Her Fire book.

 

Going to another man for 'appreciation' is you basically giving up on your marriage. Make some effort WITH your husband, not AGAINST your husband.

 

The MM is flirting with you, that's all. I'll bet his WIFE, whom he has been cheating on, doesn't feel nearly as appreciated as he makes you feel. And if you were his WIFE, he'd be cheating on you and not appreciating you, either.

[PriscillaElvis]

I am sitting here at my desk in my office trying to keep my compsure, as I want to cry my eyes out.

 

Norajane, thanks for giving me the proverbial "BitchSlap" that I needed. What you wrote was exactly what I needed to hear. I never thought about what my husband might feel like and by going outside our relationship for attention, I am essentially being a selfish bitch. I need to make him feel like the OM was making me feel. I'm sure if I'm feeling this way, he may feel the same.

 

Now the problem is, what do I do about the OM? It goes back to that whole addiction thing...I was able to let go of him 7 years ago and it took a long while to get over losing him. The rush of emotions I've been feeling since being back in touch with him has been just as strong and it's like I'm back where I was so many years ago, not wanting to say goodbye.

[norajane]

I am sitting here at my desk in my office trying to keep my compsure, as I want to cry my eyes out.

 

Norajane, thanks for giving me the proverbial "BitchSlap" that I needed. What you wrote was exactly what I needed to hear. I never thought about what my husband might feel like and by going outside our relationship for attention, I am essentially being a selfish bitch. I need to make him feel like the OM was making me feel. I'm sure if I'm feeling this way, he may feel the same.

 

Now the problem is, what do I do about the OM? It goes back to that whole addiction thing...I was able to let go of him 7 years ago and it took a long while to get over losing him. The rush of emotions I've been feeling since being back in touch with him has been just as strong and it's like I'm back where I was so many years ago, not wanting to say goodbye.

 

Well, I wasn't trying to do any bitch-slapping, but if it worked, cool.

 

Your thoughts of OM will fade once you start getting more excited about your H and your focus shifts to your H. But, to help that along, you just have to tell MM that you are afraid of the slippery slope you two are on and you really need to focus on your H, the man you love and have created a life and family with. Tell him you want to drop all contact and ask him to respect your decision. If you don't do that, then each time you two email or whatever, you'll be building your addiction rather than slowly weaning off it.

 

Then, give it time to forget him. You did it before, you can do it again.

 

If it helps, each time you start thinking about him, imagine being his wife and him having sex with some other woman for years and years and years behind your back. Should leave a bad taste in your mouth, yes? MM has already shown you loud and clear what his character is like - a dishonest, deceptive, and selfish one. He's really not worth your time and keeping him in your life is just dragging you down into his gutter.

[juliegeraci]

PriscillaElvis, I had an A 2 years ago. The PA ended but the EA has been ongoing. EA are just as difficult as PA to get over if not more. I finally had to go with no contact. It has been very difficult for me as I have know this guy for 5 years. If you just started back up with the EA then you need to stop now before it becomes harder. I still think about OM every day but I am slowly getting better. My H has forgiven me and we are working on our marriage. Things are getting better every day. No contact is the only way. Good luck.

[johnny47]

Again, digging your marriage out of that hole is a team effort. Your half of the team seems to be distracted doing other things...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, you should only beat half of yourself up. You should praise the other half of yourself....you are asking for help from strangers. H is doing something whereby you cannot go to him for help. I don't mean confessing, I mean to let him know that you are in an emotional crisis. If he refuses to help you, suggest MC, if he doesn't want to make an effort to help you heal.....you shouldn't be married to him. That's doesn't mean you should continue your A with OM. He is a dog! He had an PA with you when he was married before and he has no respect for maritial vows. If your marriage has any hope of getting back on track he will destroy it. The OM is a cancer.

[blind_otter]

I am sitting here at my desk in my office trying to keep my compsure, as I want to cry my eyes out.

 

Norajane, thanks for giving me the proverbial "BitchSlap" that I needed. What you wrote was exactly what I needed to hear. I never thought about what my husband might feel like and by going outside our relationship for attention, I am essentially being a selfish bitch. I need to make him feel like the OM was making me feel. I'm sure if I'm feeling this way, he may feel the same.

 

Now the problem is, what do I do about the OM? It goes back to that whole addiction thing...I was able to let go of him 7 years ago and it took a long while to get over losing him. The rush of emotions I've been feeling since being back in touch with him has been just as strong and it's like I'm back where I was so many years ago, not wanting to say goodbye.

 

IMO you should treat this like any other addiction - quit cold turkey and use your willpower to stay sober.

[whichwayisup]

love my husband dearly and couldn't imagine my life without him, but at the same time, sometimes I feel unappreciated for all I do for him and our family.

 

Do you think that all his needs are being met by you? Have you told him that you feel neglected, that you feel taken advantage of, and unappreciated by him? If so, how did he react? Did he say he'd try harder? Did you ask him if there's anything that you could do to make him feel happier? It isn't one sided....I bet he must have afew needs that aren't being met either.

 

Talking and listening to eachother, sorting it out is soo important to keep the relationship on the straight and narrow is a must. Marriage is hard work and yeah, it sucks sometimes when one does alot and never gets thanked for it, doesn't feel appreciated, but it's up to you to speak up and not get what you should be getting from your husband in the arms of another man. That's just wasted energy being poured into someone who really has no committment to you. It's all based on good feelings and fantasy fun. Not real life with the good, bad and the ugly rolled into one.

 

Yes, that may sound selfish, but I'm a person too and I have feelings as well. The OM makes me feel important and wanted and that makes me feel good, like someone appreciates me for being an interesting woman both mentally and sexually, rather than just being looked at as a good cook, mother and financial planner.

 

This is why many married folks have affairs...Ego feed. To make them feel good, to meet needs that aren't being met at home. Very easy to turn to someone else and get addicted to those feelings. You said it, it's like a drug.

 

I agree with B_O, go cold turkey. Tell the OM that you are sorry, don't mean to hurt him but it's time for you to focus that energy into your husband making your marriage better and stronger.

 

You don't need another man to make you feel good! You have your husband, just give him a chance to try..

[twice_shy]

I'm new to this forum, so please be gentle...ok?

 

I want to start off by saying (as many do, I'm sure), that I love my husband very much. He is a great man, a wonderful father and a caring husband. Before I met him, I was involved with a married man, who was 14 years older than me and what we had was an attraction like we had never felt before. The sexual chemistry was incredible, but after about 6 months, we broke it off because I was moving out of state.

 

Fast forward to 7 years later and we've reconnected and talk to one another occasionally on the phone for a few minutes and email each other a few times a week. We still live hundreds of miles apart, so I know there is no chance of physically being involved, but the attraction is still there. We never had a good closure to our relationship (it ended rather abruptly) and we know that what we are going through is an outlet for us, a fantasy if you want to call it that.

 

I know some may consider this emotional cheating, but I don't know if I fully agree with that.

 

Of course YOU don't.

 

 

Our sexual flirtation isn't taking anything away from my relationship from my husband, if anything it has increased my desire for him, as I am now feeling once again like a desired, attractive woman again.

 

 

So how would you feel if you knew your husband was getting jiggy wit it with another woman and simply mindf#####g some other gal? I don't think you'd like it one bit.

 

 

My husband and I are very sexually compatable, but sometimes I just feel like I am a wife and mother and not an individual anymore, so I appreciate how the OM makes me feel.

 

Then why get married? You are STILL an individual, but here is that 7 year itch setting in and you are bored.

 

 

I am confused about how I feel, but I know I would never have a PA with him.

 

 

You say that because of the distance between you two. If you were on a business trip and found yourself in the same hotel room with this guy, dont' tell me nothing would happen.

 

 

Is it wrong to want to feel desire and attraction again? I could use some advice, but please try not to be too judgemental. Thanks!

 

Nothing wrong with attraction. Desire? that is different. By saying this you "desire" this other man. And THAT my dear, is emotional betrayal whether you want to admit it or not. Its not like desiring someone you know you had absolutely no chance with, like Brad Pitt. But you are doing this with someone that you do have a chance with if there wasn't such a great distance between you. And the fact you had an affair with this man behind his wife's back, well, I won't even get started on that.

 

I think you need to break contact with this man. This IS betrayal of your husband whether you think so or not.

 

And if you don't want to break contact with this man and quit whispering sexual sweet nothings in his ear, then you just have to go on knowing that you ARE betraying your husband, PA or not and just live with the confusion you are feeling.

 

I tell you one thing, if I found out a significant other of mine was talking to another man with sexual innuendos, or speaking to each other with affection, she'd be shown the door without a 2nd thought about it.

[twice_shy]

If it's not cheating, then you will of course have no problem telling your husband about it, right?

 

 

very good point!

[twice_shy]

Yes, that may sound selfish, but I'm a person too and I have feelings as well. The OM makes me feel important and wanted and that makes me feel good, like someone appreciates me for being an interesting woman both mentally and sexually, rather than just being looked at as a good cook, mother and financial planner.

 

Of course this other man makes you feel appreciated. He doesn't have the burden of going through every day life with you. He can smell the roses without having to buy them.

 

You're husband, on the other hand, is your partner in life. Well at least he might feel that way. Things don't seem so rosy when you have to deal with every day life together. Thats what makes someone think that appreciation from an outsider, such as your other man, is more sincere and more desirable. They have the luxury of not having to raise the kids with you, worry about the bills with you, seeing you sit on the pot once in a while. See what I am getting at here?

 

Sounds like you are getting the 7 year itch. And guess what, yes I know its hard to believe, but if this other man were in your husband's shoes, it would be the same thing after going through 7 years of every day life with you.

 

Thats why I always say marriage is not for everyone.